my boyfriend wasn't really that happy for my success.

[ficonian]

Congratulations on your credit card approvals!!!!! Eventhough,  you are facing some challenges,  I comend you for having the perserverance to continue to grow.

You have to follow your instincts because you know what is best for you.

Has he tried joining the Armed Services?

Good luck. Keep us posted on your continued sucesses.

[SunriseEarth]

---

@Anonymous wrote:

Thanks for everyones thoughts, I was having a hard time and didn't know what to say or how to respond really. I kinda just needed to marinate with everyones feedback and figure out what I wanted. I need to reread what I wrote in my original post. Maybe I mispoke he has a job at a tavern, which is the same job he has had for about 6 years. He is looking for his out of college job now. His tavern gig doesn't pay enough. He can't keep track of anything and I can really sense his anxiety. He has student loans, is a great guy, just his initial reation to my sucess was a pretty confusing moment honestly...I know he wants to get back on track, so today I just kinda took the initiative and started setting him up with a mint account. I showed him how it keeps track of everything. How he should just auto pay everything to his credit card and then PIF before it cuts, start diluting a few of his mess ups with good stuff. He was VERY receptive, more so than I could have imagined. And I actually remember that feeling when I first started setting up mint for myself, that everything made sense, everything was so easy. 

We still have a lot of work to do. 

---

I'm glad you were able to communicate with him.   It sounds like some progress has been made.   As far as your original post, I think you were also frustrated and needed to vent.   I don't paint my SO in the best light when I'm mad at him, and we all understand that every situation has multiple sides.   It's not always black and white.  Anyway, I hope the progress has continued!  

[yfan]

I know I'm reviving an old thread, but I would like to offer a few thoughts, especially in light of your thread on the CC forum about "sneaking" credit cards in. Reading this thread puts things into perspective for me.

I have actually suffered from depression in my early 20s (professionally diagnosed, not self-diagnosed), and I can tell you that most blocks in any relationships or even conversations come from a place of the fear of being judged. We don't want to own up to our mistakes at work because we think we're going to be judged as lazy or incompetent. We don't want to own up to our shortcomings in our romantic relationships because we're afraid of suffering in the eyes of the person we love and are in love with. We deflect to other people's faults rather than our own because somehow that's easier.

It is VERY difficult to unlearn the social deep-drilling we have about being judged. What is a little easier is for us to be non-judgmental while speaking to others. By non-judgmental, I absolutely do NOT mean that we should condone bad acts. But we need to be clear that what we are criticizing is the action, not the person. Focus on the action. Focus on why not paying bills on time is a bad idea - not how it reflects on him. Focus on what about the job search isn't working, not on how he can't get a better job.

Along this line, when it comes to credit, have a frank discussion about credit as a tool to acquire what you want. A house, a nicer car, that new washer and dryer, whatever. It seems that your BF is afraid of being judged as a person based on his finances. Make it clear to him that you know the difference between him, the person, and his finances, the tool. Avoid "you". Use "this". Not "you made a mistake." But "that didn't work out, because [a, b, c]." It's not just you that should separate the person from the actions, but more importantly him. He needs to understand that his finances are not him - that it's a tool. Then he can start working both out of his depression and out of his credit jam.

[Anonymous]

   I don't know you, but I'm going to be honest. There are a lot of layers to your situation. Relationships usually don't work, if the woman is the leader. Your boyfriend's upbringing is definitely a contributing factor to your station in life. First, I want to commend you for sticking with him, when things are tough. Just because everybody has trouble, doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

   Your boyfriend is not a complete loser, because he had the motivation to complete his degree; so he has self-sustaining qualities. From what I've read, I'm assuming your boyfriend's confidence and self motivation are depleted. It's a nasty downward spiral, that cycles in, cycles out, and repeats(I know from personal experience). Some people react differently to this scenario.Some are self-loathing and others bring others down with them. Seems like he trying to drag you down, but that does NOT make him a bad person. He just lacks self perspective.

   You have a big problem, though. He probably is not going to listen to you. If you really want to help him improve himself, the method you use  is VERY important. You have a very hectic schedule, and deal with daily stress. I'm willing to bet every time you bring this subject up, you're in the middle of a daily task or in a bad mood(or maybe not, I DON'T know). This is still no excuse for him, because he must find a way to rise above his situation. Men usually respond to advice, from people they respect. Not saying he doesn't respect you, it's just that your his girlfriend(so you don't count).

   This is probably more of a self-motivation, and "lack of guidance" problem. Him being unhappy for you, has nothing to do with you. Some college degrees can be used for several different industries. You have to think outside of the box(did I really just say that?). There is no shame in starting at the bottom of a company, and using your degree to propel your career. The past doesn't count. It is the present, that is important. Your present determines your future. And you can't have a future, without starting SOMEWHERE. The world is not going to change anytime soon. Have patience and start building.

[vanillabean]

---

@Anonymous wrote:

Relationships usually don't work, if the woman is the leader.

---

I don't see why not, except maybe in an outdoor shopping mall parking lot during the holiday season.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure is I agree with the gentleman either. So many single mothers rocking the single mother thing have nestled into the American mans psyche. She will haveth, and she will haveth all. 

[Anonymous]

First of all, that is awesome that you were approved for AMEX and Discover cards. Congrats!

He really needs to learn to grow up. No offense, but it sounds like he has had everything up until now handed to him on a silver platter and you are kind of an enabler. You care about him as evident by the fact you cook, clean, work a real job, pay the bills and basically do EVERYTHING. Heck, you are obviously just a really caring and generous person because you not only are taking care of him but you helped your mom out, too. I am saying this as someone who has also been handed a lot of things by my parents and people around me. You need to get him to pay some bills (at least his student loan!), do some housework, get a real job or a second job, do something productive besides whine. If he does actually have depression try and get him help. I know you can't force him to go see a therapist, but it would definitely help. He needs to follow your example and woman up! If he refuses to improve himself, I say go find a place closer to work and stop babying him. I'm not trying to be judgmental, but I know from experience that he needs to take responsibility for himself and that he shouldn't tear down your success. That is not a good relationship if he can't be happy for you and has to make it all about him.

The thing is with you doing everything he should be able to make student loan payments and find a better job. Have you talked to him about at least making student loan payments? Even if he can't make the full payments, he shouldn't just stop paying them.

[sccredit]

---

@Anonymous wrote:

   Relationships usually don't work, if the woman is the leader. 

---

I know this is old but I gotta say ... That is the most asinine thing I have heard in a long time.  Relationships work when 2 people are willing to put the effort in and support each other, it has NOTHING to do with who the leader is.

[bdhu2001]

---

@sccredit wrote:

---

@Anonymous wrote:

   Relationships usually don't work, if the woman is the leader. 

---

I know this is old but I gotta say ... That is the most asinine thing I have heard in a long time.  Relationships work when 2 people are willing to put the effort in and support each other, it has NOTHING to do with who the leader is.

---

You misread or misunderstood Zero's statement.  Let me give you the translated version. "Relationships usually don't work, when the man is insecure."

Hope the translation helps.

[Anonymous]

---

@bdhu2001 wrote:

---

@sccredit wrote:

---

@Anonymous wrote:

   Relationships usually don't work, if the woman is the leader. 

---

I know this is old but I gotta say ... That is the most asinine thing I have heard in a long time.  Relationships work when 2 people are willing to put the effort in and support each other, it has NOTHING to do with who the leader is.

---

You misread or misunderstood Zero's statement.  Let me give you the translated version. "Relationships usually don't work, when the man is insecure."

Hope the translation helps.

---

Lmao. Um ya.