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separating finances during marriage.

Member

Re: separating finances during marriage.

I picked this post to reply to as I am in a similar senario.  We got married 3 years ago and moved to his state, his house, etc.    I am earning more and more now that I am establishing myself/business in the new state. He continues to be horrible at managing money. Thus I have gradually taken over the money task in trying to ward off  a looming financial decline. I am the OCD one that needs to have zero balances , a plan and savings.

Recently there was an issue with his mortgage payment (all in his name). He wanted me to speak to the USbank rep because it is difficult for him to be on the phone where he works and he doesn't know our finances the way he should. The bank would not speak to me unless he first got on the phone and then transferred the phone to me.  The bank rep said he could submit a form for a third party consent in order for me to speak with the bank without going through all this. They sent him the form. He completed it and sent it back. It was made clear he was not adding me to the mortgage. They wanted my SS# so I questioned this thinking why did they need that if this was informational. We were told this was the proceedure and it was all merely for informational purposes.  I am not on the deed. He has owned the house for 12 years prior to us getting married. 

Just 2 days ago myfico score went down 30 points because USbank reported his missed mortgage payment on me. Is this legal?  What do I do now? I've worked so hard for the past 5 years to grow my scores and now this.

 

BTW - I notice I haven't updated my scores.

Now reporting 620 - 630 and the 657 was just lowered to 627 as explained above. :-(

11.2014.608.617.619
moving on up

Starting Score: 608
Current Score: 617
Goal Score: 619


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Message 31 of 45
Regular Contributor

Re: separating finances during marriage.


70020015 wrote:

 

Just 2 days ago myfico score went down 30 points because USbank reported his missed mortgage payment on me. Is this legal?  What do I do now? I've worked so hard for the past 5 years to grow my scores and now this.

 

 


I'm not sure about legality, but it would help to know what sate you are in, because some states are community property states, which might have some bearing on whether or not it's legal.

Message 32 of 45
Frequent Contributor

Re: separating finances during marriage.

since his name is the only one on the mortgage ,  then what they did is an FCRA violation.

 

 

I would dispute and see if they verify. If they do, send them a letter threatening suit.

Message 33 of 45

Re: separating finances during marriage.

You cold as ice in a good way. If I had your hand I'd cut mine off I'm stealing this idea. My wife gonna think I made some sh......t up thanks a lot!

Message 34 of 45
Established Member

Re: separating finances during marriage.

THis is a great read as i am in a similar boat.

 

My wife of 1 month is terrbile with finances. She went through bankruptcy  during our engagment and even had a good paying job for most of it (600$/w) ,but would constently find her self over drawn. She would knowingly swipe her debit card knowing shes was negitive. She blames it on feeling upset and shopping was a coping mechanism.  We had some rocky times with  my  mother leading up to our wedding so i get the stress, but  I dont get the whole " spending money" to make one self feel better.

 

Money is tight now in the house  due to me dipping into my savings to dig her Checking account out of negitivitly, but i put my foot down and made a weekly budget of money she needs to give me to pay our bills and im even paying her bills because she couldnt get the concept of  putting a little away each week for her car payment so that when it came due she wasnt  blowing most of her check on it. She has no debt out side her  car payment which I envy her, but at the same time  I dont agree with how she got to the 0$ debt( ch7)

 

This week marks the 1st paycheck from her new job and our new budget. I need to be the bill payer for our house hold.  Wish me luck! hopefully she really wants to become more fiscally responsible this time!

Message 35 of 45
Valued Contributor

Re: separating finances during marriage.


ralph9983 wrote:
 

My wife of 1 month is terrbile with finances.


 

 I can only assume she makes up for it in other ways hahahahahaha.

 

 


I dont get the whole " spending money" to make one self feel better.

 

Shopping appears to tap into the brain's reward center. In your favor, it should be noted though that surges in dopamine levels are linked much more with anticipation of an experience rather than the actual experience!

 

Message 36 of 45
Established Member

Re: separating finances during marriage.

 She does! lol ,but  its still frustrating at times!. Reading through here makes me feel a little better tho.. its not jnust her! lol

Message 37 of 45
Frequent Contributor

Re: separating finances during marriage.

i'm a saver and spend wisely and married a woman who spends on anything. It's like she sprayed a money repellent on her hands.

 

This was a large part of why we got divorced after 22 years.

 

We then got back togther 3 years ago and kept our finances separate. I pay mortgage and she buys food and own gas and has own spending money.

 

Splitting our finances was the best thing we ever did.

Message 38 of 45
Established Contributor

Re: separating finances during marriage.


my-own-fico wrote:

ralph9983 wrote:
 

My wife of 1 month is terrbile with finances.


 

 I can only assume she makes up for it in other ways hahahahahaha.

 

 


I dont get the whole " spending money" to make one self feel better.

 

Shopping appears to tap into the brain's reward center. In your favor, it should be noted though that surges in dopamine levels are linked much more with anticipation of an experience rather than the actual experience!

 


There's a cultural element too. Anyone in that position should look at themselves and ask why they are behaving that way. It's usually due to some form of shame or unhappiness, unresolved. If you address that, usually through meditation or therapy, the urges pass.

 

But a lot of pop culture is focused on how strong and independent people should be and that just makes everyone anxious about whatever is bothering them (example: "why am I upset about my friend/family member/spouse betraying me? I don't need him/her anyway!" umm if you feel anything BUT upset about a friend's betrayal then seek help! but it never occurs to some people to ask why they shouldnt feel upset, independence and revenge are just sort of the music and movie default). Anxiety about anxiety. So the restless nights and panic attacks come and the best outlet is a distraction: shopping, drinking, drugs, stamp collecting, whatever. This obviously doesn't actually address the underlying, perfectly reasonable issue but it does raise their "buying temperature". And once they are broke, well now the old problems are still there and their credit and wallet are shot. Good work, society.

 

This is why separate accounts make me nervous. They don't solve the underlying issue (inability to compromise or work together toward shared goals), and that issue is an inevitable marriage killer. I would rather try to fix the underlying issue and, if that fails, divorce, than be in a marriage where my spouse and I are on different teams. But ymmv.

Message 39 of 45
Valued Contributor

Re: separating finances during marriage.

Okay everyone.  This is my second time in the Rodeo.  My first husband, was horrible with finances and dipped into joint account constantly.  Caused over draw fees etc.  

 

My second husband is also not good with bills. My second marriage, we never opened a joint account. I handle all the bills and my husband transfers a minimum of $ amount to my account each month. We have separate credit.  I made sure that the amount allows him to have fun money.  When he works more, he keeps more.  

 

I previously watched women at my job with joint accounts with their husbands. Only the husband had the check book and they couldn't buy anything without going to hubby.  I refuse to live that way or have my husband live that way.  Thus, as long as the bills get paid, no one asks me what I do with my money.  As long as he contributes the set amount that we established, l don't ask him what he's doing with his money.

 

There are other things that I do for finances, but the basic is not to expect my spouse to be as OCD as me with finances. Put a plan together that meets my need for bills, yet doesn't treat my spouse like a child.  Agree upon major financial decisions and move forward.

Original Mortgage maturity Sept 2044; Refi maturity Dec 2030
Starting Score: EX 751 EQ 720 TU 737 on 4/9/14
Current Score: EX 849 EQ 835 TU 843
Goal Score: 850


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Message 40 of 45