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Dating advice

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Anonymous
Not applicable

Dating advice

I came here because YOU all will understand!

 

I met this guy. He seems perfect. Really. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and find out he's a satanic puppy-killer or something, but he's not. He's smart, funny, and seems to adore me.

 

Problem? We went to dinner one night and he said he didn't have any money because he couldn't get his ATM card to work. Fine. I paid. I'm not one of those girls anyway (you're the MAN so you pay!), so no big deal.

 

Then I go over to his house and there are bills on the counter, in plain sight, with FAILURE TO PAY WILL RESULT IN REPORT TO CREDIT BUREAU......on them. Yeah.

 

He's going through a divorce, and it could just be that. He is an attorney and has a good job, so I'm assuming he makes a decent wage. But my whole family has money issues, and I have fought long and hard to overcome my own. I cannot deal with a relationship with someone who can't handle their finances. At least I don't think I can. I'm really torn about this.

 

We've only been out a few times, and I'm willing to see where this goes, but it's just giving me bad vibes. Just to clarify, I don't CARE if he has money. For the right guy I'd live in a cardboard box. It's not being able to manage money that scares me. My parents declared bk, my brothers call me to ask for money...this is just a huge red flag issue for me.

 

Anyone been through this with a positive ending?

Message 1 of 37
36 REPLIES 36
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: Dating advice

How long have you been seeing him? How serious is it?

I ask, because if you feel the time is "right," and you have the inclination, you can offer to help him rein in his credit/financial issues. It could very well be that he doesn't *know* how to, on his own. Or doesn't see it's future benefits.

Speaking from a personal POV, I was like that. Credit? Huh? Managing and budgeting money? Whazzat? My parents are/were wealthy, so I never had to learn how to manage money. My parents, until I got married, acted like my own personal ATM (in fact, offered to buy me a house if I DIDN'T get married -- don't ask), so I had no idea how to budget or use credit wisely.

Not trying to offer any excuses for my past credit-crappiness, just giving a possible scenario. The automatic "know-how" to manage money correctly isn't something most people are born with -- and something the average person, IMO, is usually too embarrassed to ask help with.

Another possibility is that it's possible that if he sees how YOU take it seriously, he might, too. While I don't believe you can change people, per se, I do think that if person "A" sees person "B" manage something sensibly, they might get the idea they can, too.

Bottom line: If you're comfy with it, broach the subject with him (preferably over a nice bottle of wine) and see what his reasons for being irresponsible are. It could be the nasty divorce (could be their HER bills but he's having to pay them AND his bills and it's hurting him). It could be immaturity. It could be cluelessness.

But you'll never know 'til you find out for sure!
Message 2 of 37
Junejer
Moderator Emeritus

Re: Dating advice

I am of the opinion that more money to a poor money manager makes one more poor (ie goes into debt). It could be the divorce. You need to decide what you really want/need out of a relationship. If you have the eebie jeebies, then either walk away or address it with the gentleman if you like him a lot. Saying/doing nothing will certainly get the same result out.






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Message 3 of 37
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: Dating advice

You guys bring up some good points. It could be his wife's bills, and I guess I'm assuming a lot.  I was also thinking, if someone had dumped me a few years ago when I was credit-clueless, it would have really upset me.

 

I don't think this is serious enough yet to have that "talk", but if it gets there, I definitely will.

Message 4 of 37
demi
Established Contributor

Re: Dating advice

I would just keep an eye out for symptoms....and if the time comes, then have the talk. 

 

On the other hand, you might want to bring up what you have been thru and done for your credit just as a discussion topic and see where it goes..????  Maybe he is trainable and could use some help. Smiley Very Happy


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Message 5 of 37
marty56
Super Contributor

Re: Dating advice


@Anonymous wrote:

You guys bring up some good points. It could be his wife's bills, and I guess I'm assuming a lot.  I was also thinking, if someone had dumped me a few years ago when I was credit-clueless, it would have really upset me.

 

I don't think this is serious enough yet to have that "talk", but if it gets there, I definitely will.


I know what its like to get dumped and rejected over money.  It happend to my 6 years ago.  I showed those people they were wrong about me so give him a chance to do something about it, if it is his job to do so.

I

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Message 6 of 37
MattH
Senior Contributor

Re: Dating advice


@Anonymous wrote:

I came here because YOU all will understand!

 

I met this guy. He seems perfect. Really. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and find out he's a satanic puppy-killer or something, but he's not. He's smart, funny, and seems to adore me.

 

Problem? We went to dinner one night and he said he didn't have any money because he couldn't get his ATM card to work. Fine. I paid. I'm not one of those girls anyway (you're the MAN so you pay!), so no big deal.

 

Then I go over to his house and there are bills on the counter, in plain sight, with FAILURE TO PAY WILL RESULT IN REPORT TO CREDIT BUREAU......on them. Yeah.

 

He's going through a divorce, and it could just be that. He is an attorney and has a good job, so I'm assuming he makes a decent wage. But my whole family has money issues, and I have fought long and hard to overcome my own. I cannot deal with a relationship with someone who can't handle their finances. At least I don't think I can. I'm really torn about this.

 

We've only been out a few times, and I'm willing to see where this goes, but it's just giving me bad vibes. Just to clarify, I don't CARE if he has money. For the right guy I'd live in a cardboard box. It's not being able to manage money that scares me. My parents declared bk, my brothers call me to ask for money...this is just a huge red flag issue for me.

 

Anyone been through this with a positive ending?


 

Run Away

 

Or if you cannot bring yourself to do that, at least tell him in no uncertain terms the future of your relationship depends on a rapid and thorough transformation of his attitude towards money.  But beware of making him into a Pygmalion project!

 

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Message 7 of 37
Chopbrocoli
Established Contributor

Re: Dating advice

If hes going through a divorce and financial difficulty, I would honestly keep some distance and see how it plays out later. I dont think it's something you want to be caught in the middle of his divorce. But if your really interested in him, it doesnt hurt to just get to know him and play it casual.
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Message 8 of 37
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: Dating advice


@MattH wrote:
Run Away

 


I tend to concur. I would certainly sit him down and have the "talk" with him before investing anymore in the relationship. If you don't do it now, you will get attached to him and may make a judgement error due to the rose colored glasses of love. Get it out in the open NOW while you are still objective !                imho/ymmv/closecoverbeforestriking/laveselasmanos

Message 9 of 37
Junejer
Moderator Emeritus

Re: Dating advice


contractor wrote:
          imho/ymmv/closecoverbeforestriking/laveselasmanos

Smiley Very Happy  I like the disclaimer.  I read it in the really fast disclaimer-guy voice too.

 

PJ, I am still on the side of having that discussion with him.  It's true, usually you don't want to be in the middle of a divorce.  I recommend that person getting past everything, before taking it to another level.  Emotions run too high during a divorce.

Message Edited by ByrdMan on 01-07-2009 06:10 AM






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Message 10 of 37
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