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Established Contributor
Bella1980
Posts: 583
Registered: ‎06-22-2008

Friends making bad mistakes?

My friend who also has credit issues just started dating a guy that is awful...makes racist remarks to her, belittles her,makes her feel like a loser for having bad credit and seems to be overly possessive.
 
I have tried to tell her to just dump the guy as they have only known each other 2 weeks but she says she is hooked to him and she loves how he is honest and calls her out on her **bleep**.
 
I think she is crazy, he is an **bleep** and just because he is rude doesn't make him a good guy. I can see the heartbreak coming and I feel like she should as well as she has dated 4 losers in the last year.
 
Am I being too harsh on her because she just can't seem to learn from her mistakes? should I wait patiently and ready to help her when the ineveitable S**t hits the fan? Or should I just not even concern myself with that crap and live my life and feel no symphathy when it goes bad?


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Moderator
guiness56
Posts: 22,406
Registered: ‎01-17-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

No matter how bad you want her to ditch him, it is up to her.  Has she ever been treated nice by a man?  If not, more than likely she is convinced this is what she deserves or the best she can do.
 
You are not being harsh.  You are speaking from the heart but, she has to listen.  As her friend I highly doubt you could not feel sympathy if it did not work out.  If you could do that, the situation would not bother you now.
Established Contributor
Bella1980
Posts: 583
Registered: ‎06-22-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

Yeah I know.....I just am so frustrated and fed up of hearing about this guy...cos it just gets worse and worse.
 
Who knows,maybe she can change him!


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Senior Contributor
Wonderin
Posts: 3,494
Registered: ‎05-25-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

Bella, Lawsa-mercy, Girl, you are one caring person!!

The only advice I really have to offer you is to not get "too" involved. As Guiness said, it's up to your friend. Its her life and she'll have to live with her decisions.

I CAN say, having been on both sides of the fence that the more you tell her what a pophead he is, 1) the more she's gonna either do her durnedest to find SOME redeeming quality in him and 2) the LESS she's going to confide in you when it comes to the relationship and/or listen to you, and 3) the less likely that she'll come to you for help when she "needs" it.

I introduced one of my best friends to my ex's dorm-mate several years ago. They hit if off and soon became an "item." Shortly thereafter, I began to notice that she wore more make-up, wore tighter clothes, began (ab)using alcohol AND began sporting bruises. She had the most beautiful long, chestnut hair -- the envy of us ALL -- and it was her pride and joy. She cut it ALL off and bleached it blonde because HE told her to.

You get the picture.

I was young, I was stupid, I was brasher than anything you can imagine. I also had no tolerance (like anyone does, of course) for bullying and abusing others -- much less MY friends. So I did my best to convince her to leave his sorry butt. She just worked that much harder to "make it work." She also began avoiding me, much to HIS delight, like the plague. Soon, I went from seeing her daily (we grew up on the same street) to seeing her literally twice a year.

I did get invited to their wedding, though (don't know why), about 3 years later. She was absolutely beautiful .... broken arm in a sling and all. And the makeup job was perfect -- you could barely see her black eye. :smileysad:

To this day I feel guilty about it. I keep thinking that perhaps if I had backed off, she might have seen it herself what a b@stard he was. But I really think that my immediately telling her how awful he was, kept her from coming to that conclusion.

Her story DOES end happily, though (as best it could, rather). The first time he hit their toddler, she was able to leave him. By that time, her entire family had pretty much abandoned her, so she spent time in a women's shelter, after which she got a low-paying job, went back to school and is now a vet (her BIG dream before HIM), remarried with two more kids and HAPPY.

So I took the moral of the story to pretty much be that if you tell her he's bad news, and she doesn't listen, it's going to take more for her to realize it than just your saying so. She's going to have to find it out on her own. But that's not the end of the world (though it DOES feel like it). She can make it. She can still have a happy ending. And it will be of HER own making. Just be there, as long as you can, to offer her a comforting shoulder to cry on, a couch to crash on when it gets really bad, and advice when SHE ASKS for it.

At least, that's the lesson I learned from my experience with a friend going through the same thing. :/

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Hubby's FICOs when we started: high 400s (June 2008)
Hubby's FICO NOW (04/06/09): TU: 679 EQ: 608 EX: ???
My FICOs: TU: 643, EQ: 606
Closed on new home: 1/20/2009 -- If we can do it, YOU can do it!!

Established Contributor
Bella1980
Posts: 583
Registered: ‎06-22-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

Wow, I really really hope that he's not as bad as your friends ex. I'm glad she is in a successful and happy marriage now though.
 
I guess I will just back off and let them be. But he has all the signs of being a control freak....but like u said I just got to back off.
 
I think she is already trying to make him seem better and hide stuff......
 
And I'm really not that nice, lol....well I am but when the switch flips with me its flips and I'm DONE.
 
 


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Senior Contributor
Wonderin
Posts: 3,494
Registered: ‎05-25-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

I seriously doubt that my friend's ex is like your friend's BF (unless his name is Monty? If so, RUN!!).

He was more than a control freak, he was a psychopath. At first, 'cause he puts on the charm, I thought he was a nice guy -- quiet, a loner, smart, etc. It was only AFTER my ex suggested that we "fix them up" did I find out what he was REALLY like from my ex.

He had a history of abusive relationships, treated women like objects ... prone to fighting and making threats. You know, not quite the kind of guy you set your friend up with. :smileymad:

Anywho, he ended up far worse. She actually called the MPs on his butt for abusing their child and he was dishonorably discharged. I think it "helped" that at the time, SHE was sporting several bruises herself. I think it made it more obvious to his First Shirt that something was SERIOUSLY wrong. Her neighbors (they lived in base housing) also served as witnesses to the abuse and testified on her behalf.

Last I had heard, he was serving a two years in Leavenworth for abusing his family. I dunno what he's doing now. Probably not much of anything since being dishonorably discharged AND serving time at Ft. Leavenworth isn't exactly nice resume material. :/

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Hubby's FICOs when we started: high 400s (June 2008)
Hubby's FICO NOW (04/06/09): TU: 679 EQ: 608 EX: ???
My FICOs: TU: 643, EQ: 606
Closed on new home: 1/20/2009 -- If we can do it, YOU can do it!!

Established Contributor
Bella1980
Posts: 583
Registered: ‎06-22-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

yeah, its not Monty....
 
But this guy after a couple of days started getting mad at her for not letting him in emotionally and saying he wanted her to be his woman and so she should share everything with him (of course she liked that, I was like DING DONG....emotionally manipulative!)
 
Then he straight up tells her he HATES one whole race (not her race) and she was like oh? (she only dated someone of that race for 7 years and says she wants to get a job looking out for their rights). This alone was enough for me to be thinking are you crazy?
 
He then stops talking to her on and off when she is mad at him and of course that drives her crazy and she wants him badly (exactly as he is planning in his head).
 
Now I wouldn't be so mad at this but she has been in bad relationships recently where all the signs were there just like they are here and she still refuses to let him loose because she so desperately wants a relationship (she straight up says she has the baby bug right now).
 
I just have no patience for this....especially after I warned her in the 2 previous relationships that those guys were not for her but she still went ahead. I guess its not my relationship though so should just concentrate on my own life, lol.


Starting Score: TU- 682, EQ- 698, EX- 713
Current Score: TU- 723, EQ- 747, EX- 737
Goal Score: 760 PLUS FICO's


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Senior Contributor
Wonderin
Posts: 3,494
Registered: ‎05-25-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

Okay, I quit just shy of a psych degree, but I can tell you from what you're saying that she should consider counseling. :smileysad:

I think she's probably got a few low self-esteem issues, possibly felt "unloved" by her father or needed approval from a strong male figure and never received it. That would be the "garden-variety" stereotype for a woman constantly entering disastrous relationships.

How old is she (if you don't mind my asking)? Unless she's kissing thirty, I'd think that the "baby bug" shouldn't be such a huge issue. Of course, that's my opinion.

In any case, a baby doesn't make a relationship more loving and more likely to succeed. If anything, a baby, considering that most marriages end in divorce due to financial disagreements, will make things worse (since they're mighty expensive).

And chances are, the kind of guy you're describing won't like another target of attention in the house. IF he IS the kind of guy that gets progressively more controlling (and might escalate to abuse), he either won't let that happen at all or will just put her off continually. Though sometimes, they might see it as a way to ensure that she can't leave.

But, unfortunately, chances are good that even if this relationship doesn't last, she'll just run headlong into another, equally dissatisfactory and disastrous relationship. It seems to be what she prefers.

Just curious ... is she the "takes-in-stray-dogs" type? Do you think she considers him a "project?" Or someone who needs help in being "all they can be?" If so, she might move on all on her own. It's hard to say. :smileysad:

I wish you the best of luck with her .... and I wish her the best of luck, too. It's never easy dealing with relationships -- especially doomed ones -- and it's not easy to watch one, either. :smileysad:

{{{{{{{{{{Hugs!!!!!}}}}}}}}}

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Hubby's FICOs when we started: high 400s (June 2008)
Hubby's FICO NOW (04/06/09): TU: 679 EQ: 608 EX: ???
My FICOs: TU: 643, EQ: 606
Closed on new home: 1/20/2009 -- If we can do it, YOU can do it!!

Frequent Contributor
southernficoaddict
Posts: 365
Registered: ‎06-04-2008

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

You can't do anything but offer your advice and then be prepared to be there for her when it does hit the fan.  If you push it you could stand the chance of loseing a good friend all together. 
Moderator Emeritus
llecs
Posts: 32,869
Registered: ‎08-04-2007

Re: Friends making bad mistakes?

You become who you associate with....perhaps her associations are keeping her self-image low. Because her self-image is low, she's willing to settle for whomever comes along first.
 
You are NOT the architect of her future, but look into her friendships and see if you can't get her around a new group of friends. And figure out what is bring her self-image down and prop it back up. If she ever saw herself as priceless, she wouldn't settle.

Wonderin wrote:
Okay, I quit just shy of a psych degree, but.....

Same for DW, but she uses what she did learn to figure me out.

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