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Regular Contributor
PittsburgPamela
Posts: 105
Registered: ‎04-15-2008

I don't know what to do

My 24 year old daughter has always lived with me.  She had a daughter 8 years ago and I have supported them all along, she has worked sporadically.  She then met and married an Army man a couple of years ago right before he was deployed to Kuwait.  She had a son 11 months ago.  So... they had been saving for a house and they have about $20k saved.  He came home a couple of months ago and they were supposed to be moving to Washington state.
 
I have bought new furniture that is still in the boxes waiting for them to move out, they can take the furniture I am replacing with them.  I have bought new table linens, cookware, tableware, everything that I want to replace that children (her and the kids) have been hard on.  I was excited about getting my home in order.  She got a Great Dane even thought she KNEW that I did not want a dog here and he has ruined the Japanese garden that I toiled to create.
 
Well, she told me tonight that he is being deployed again in August.  :womansad:  I don't want to be  selfish but I have spent my life taking care of and supporting others.  I wanted something for me, some time for me.  I have never, ever, lived alone.  I wanted to get my house in order, to not have someone else creating a mess, breaking things, scratching things.
 
I told her tonight that since he is leaving again that he will need to get a storage space for his two cars, two motorcycles, big black cases he had shipped here from Kuwait, and a garage of STUFF.  I tolerated it to help them save for a house but he is being irresponsible and spending many thousands for cr@p for his car.  Every time they have an argument he gets online and buys stuff, says he'll just spend all the money then!
 
I've done enough all these years, feel like I have put my life on hold for her, and I am through.  My house is a mess, kitchen is a mess, can't even open the laundry room door all the way because of the piles of clothes, my office is a mess because she lets the baby pull all the books of my shelves when she's in there on the computer, my garage is full of his stuff, car, motorcycles and I can't park my SUV in there.  We even got a notice from the city about a "non working" car in the driveway and told to move it.  It works... it has just been sitting there for two years.  Add to that my daughter's truck and the little car they got for her to commute to her night job.
 
I have just had it!  On one hand I feel guilty about how I feel but on the other I HAVE HAD IT!  I want them out of my house.
 
1/10/09 EQ=806, TU=772, EX=788
Senior Contributor
ilovepizza
Posts: 3,071
Registered: ‎05-17-2007

Re: I don't know what to do

Storage is fair. The auto sitting for 2 years is not so fair unless you have land to stick it away. Maybe they could sell the unused vehicles and big toys. You sound like a great mom. Two years. I live life as a minimalist. I hate clutter. What I do is designate a specif amount of space for my junk and what doesn't fit gets sold or tossed. And what fits I keep until I need to make room for something else and then I have to give up something to make room for it. This way things might get messy but never over taking beyond that space. I understand exactly how you feel. Storage is a great suggestion. That's how I learned to become a minimalist. Storage costs money. After a while I looked at the value of my stuff as cost per sq foot. Once I did that lots of stuff got sold/donated/tossed. :smileyhappy: Hope this helps. As far as kids in the office that is a complete no no in my house. Everywhere else is ok but my office is off limits. I have another computer for people to use in the other room. It is ok to share but you still need personal space. My office is my personal space.
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Epic Contributor
haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,098
Registered: ‎04-01-2007

Re: I don't know what to do

Sounds like it's time for tough love. They both need to grow up, and as long as you're being so "helpful", they have no reason to.

He's old enough to wear his country's uniform and be in combat, and she's old enough to be married and have two kids. (And a lot of Stuff.) Time for base housing for them. There are a lot of very young wives (and husbands) with small children in military housing, who don't really know how to run a household or bring up their children, and there's a support system to help them.

You've done your part and more over the years. It's an act of love for you to now insist that they find their own place to live and start to function as adults.

I've got one gone, except for weekend laundry, and two more in school but with no sign (so far) of wanting to move back home, so my fingers are crossed! I always threatened that when the last one graduated, I'd move to a houseboat with a dog, a cat, a potted plant, and a shotgun, and anchor out in the middle of the lake. Visits only with prior permission, and for no more than two nights, please. :smileywink:

Stand your ground, don't feel guilty, and good luck!
* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
Established Contributor
ObsessedwithmyFico
Posts: 513
Registered: ‎05-31-2007

Re: I don't know what to do



haulingthescoreup wrote:
Sounds like it's time for tough love. They both need to grow up, and as long as you're being so "helpful", they have no reason to.

He's old enough to wear his country's uniform and be in combat, and she's old enough to be married and have two kids. (And a lot of Stuff.) Time for base housing for them. There are a lot of very young wives (and husbands) with small children in military housing, who don't really know how to run a household or bring up their children, and there's a support system to help them.

You've done your part and more over the years. It's an act of love for you to now insist that they find their own place to live and start to function as adults.

I've got one gone, except for weekend laundry, and two more in school but with no sign (so far) of wanting to move back home, so my fingers are crossed! I always threatened that when the last one graduated, I'd move to a houseboat with a dog, a cat, a potted plant, and a shotgun, and anchor out in the middle of the lake. Visits only with prior permission, and for no more than two nights, please. :smileywink:

Stand your ground, don't feel guilty, and good luck!

What hauling said...Amen!!!
Moderator Emeritus
fused
Posts: 16,373
Registered: ‎03-12-2007

Re: I don't know what to do



haulingthescoreup wrote:
Sounds like it's time for tough love. They both need to grow up, and as long as you're being so "helpful", they have no reason to.

He's old enough to wear his country's uniform and be in combat, and she's old enough to be married and have two kids. (And a lot of Stuff.) Time for base housing for them. There are a lot of very young wives (and husbands) with small children in military housing, who don't really know how to run a household or bring up their children, and there's a support system to help them.

You've done your part and more over the years. It's an act of love for you to now insist that they find their own place to live and start to function as adults.

I've got one gone, except for weekend laundry, and two more in school but with no sign (so far) of wanting to move back home, so my fingers are crossed! I always threatened that when the last one graduated, I'd move to a houseboat with a dog, a cat, a potted plant, and a shotgun, and anchor out in the middle of the lake. Visits only with prior permission, and for no more than two nights, please. :smileywink:

Stand your ground, don't feel guilty, and good luck!

Yikes, where did all of your Aloha go! LOL:smileyhappy:
Credit Profile -
FICO 08 Scores (11-08-2014): EQ 818, EX 817, TU 822
All three scores were 850. Lost points for not having an open installment TL. So, BE WARNED!!!!!
Credit History: 26+ years ~ AAoA: 12 years ~ Util: 1% ~ Inqs: EX 1

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Epic Contributor
haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,098
Registered: ‎04-01-2007

Re: I don't know what to do


fused wrote:

Yikes, where did all of your Aloha go! LOL:smileyhappy:
Tough aloha! :smileyvery-happy:

Seriously, no one ever moved to a better place (spiritually, emotionally) without going through some heartbreaks and growing pains in the process. Duck challenges and stay stuck in a rut, or accept them, fight your way through, and be a better person. I'm really glad that I'm not the person I was in my mid-20's.

Today's sermon is now over. :smileywink:
* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
Super Contributor
MidnightVoice
Posts: 8,161
Registered: ‎03-25-2007

Re: I don't know what to do



haulingthescoreup wrote:
I'm really glad that I'm not the person I was in my mid-20's.


There are certain times from that era that I might well enjoy revisiting   :smileyvery-happy:
The slide from grace is really more like gliding
And I've found the trick is not to stop the sliding
But to find a graceful way of staying slid
Established Contributor
demi
Posts: 852
Registered: ‎09-18-2007

Re: I don't know what to do

Ditto for hauling...if they can afford toys, they can afford rent.  You have been a great mom, but eventually your daughter needs to be bumped out of the nest.  If hubby is going to continue in the military, they are going to need to learn to live that way.
 
Yeh, tough love...I didn't move out of Mom's until 27...except for college. 

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Valued Contributor
stef37
Posts: 2,205
Registered: ‎12-06-2007

Re: I don't know what to do

I too did not move out of my parent's home until I was 28. My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and pushed me off to marry a man I had been dating and she thought he was the greatest thing. She was scared she wouldn't be there to 'take care of me'. I was such a momma's baby.
 
But, I cooked, cleaned, ironed all the clothes,  washed dishes and made sure my children didn't destroy her custom made furniture. If I was a pig, I am sure she would have had no problems kicking me out.
 
This is really disrespectful for them to treat you this way. Yes, I think the tough love is the way to go. Our family enjoyed being together, but not living in cluttered chaos. The line would have been drawn for sure.
 
And to be clear on the part of her making me leave. It wasn't because she didn't love me and want me there. She didn't want me to have to see her suffer. It broke my heart to have to leave. It broke her's even more when she told me she couldn't die yet, because I still needed her. But that is life. I will always NEED her, no matter where she is.
Moderator Emeritus
llecs
Posts: 32,869
Registered: ‎08-04-2007

Re: I don't know what to do

The day I moved to go to college my folks kept their promise and re-keyed the locks (no joke) and got rid of my stuff, except for furniture. Looking back on it, it looks harsh from the surface, but the last thing they wanted is to have a 30 yo bachelor in their home munching off of them.
 
I compare that to my sister-in-law and hubby. Until recently, they were in their mid-20s, eating the in-laws food and living married inside of their home. They did the right thing and moved out recently, but staying there did nothing to help them, ready them, or prep them for the real life out there. It added stress to all parties involved.

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