I don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

Bravo!  Amen!  Er...uh...yeah, what THEY SAID!!!

You've no reason to feel guilty!  You wouldn't be "putting them out on the streets", you'll be refusing to further enable her / them.  There can only be ONE queen in the castle and right now, you're handing over your throne ~ it's time to take it back!

The longer you enable the dysfunction, the harder things will become.  It's obvious how much you love your daughter & the last thing you want it to damage your relationship permanently.  Expecting her to finally become an adult will not do that, however, her remaining there will continue to breed contempt and may eventually lead to a blow out that would, in fact, cause permanent damage. 

Not only could they live in base housing, but she could prevent his "spending all the money" on crap for his car by using the money for its intended purpose & buying a house!  In addition, she could put it into Certificates of Deposit that will mature about the time he's expected to come home & they'd have even more available when they do decide to buy a house but not available to spend online during every spat.

Either way ~ it's time to hit the road!  Hubby doesn't have to be the one getting the ball rolling on base housing!  They're married, which means SHE can do it.  The military is more than willing to work with the wives to get / keep the families' affairs in order!

I'm not a grandparent (and won't be for many years), but ....

Isn't the point of having grandchildren to SPOIL THEM and then SEND THEM HOME??? 

[Anonymous]

Ok... now on top of everything else DD says she doesn't want to be with him.  Marry in haste, repent at leisure would be an apt description.  Not my drama to get into and I've told her that if they have all these problems that they should go to counseling since, she says, he won't talk to her about it.  His answer is, as I said, every time there is a disagreement to "I'll just spend all the money."  She has worked hard the time he was away to clean up their credit and brought their scores up considerably, paid off debts and collections, so that they could buy a house.

He is not only being irresponsible with the money they have saved but, he is not making payments on his car, she is paying it out of her meager wage from her night job.  I told her my opinion was to NOT pay it then.  What is the use of going through all this, paying HIS car payment that is not in her name in any way, to try and keep his credit clean?  She told me he said to not pay it... he has 90 days to make a payment before they repo.

I don't want this drama in my house. It's stressful to know they are not getting along.  If they seperate or divorce then what?  Kick my daughter and her two kids out of the house?  I feel like I am stuck here, my life on hold until she gets her's straightened out.

[Anonymous]

She needs to start stashing money away.  He shouldn't have access to all of their money if he is going to blow it.  So withdraw some money, talk to a lawyer, and MOVE out!!

[Anonymous]

Yeesh, Pamela. What a nightmare!! But I have to say, in regards to a marriage going sour, hubby in the military, and spending all the money, BTDT.

Tell your DD to join her local Officer's Wives Club or Enlisted Wives Club. They have an awesome support network and I'll bet you a month's rent that they'll know what she can do NOW. Personally, I think the issues she's dealing with happen more in the military than any other industry. Perhaps it because everything's spoon-fed to these guys and they have excellent job security? I dunno. :/

Another option, but more of a last resort (since it will open a can of worm with her hubby's job) is to speak to her hubby's First Shirt (that's Air Force, but each branch has it's own equivalent). If hubby's out of line, his FS can bring him back double-time (no pun intended).

I'll bet that they have their banking accounts in hubby's name at a local military bank? If so, she needs to get at least HALF out NOW. The way those banks are set up, her hubby can come along and clean the whole thing out, even if he's not the primary, without a word being said to HER. BTDT. Ex did that to me with an account in MY name. Just cleaned the durn thing out. They said he could do it, since he was the sponsor.

But really, the Wives Club is her best bet on getting this taken care of. They can direct her to an on-base agency or department that will help her ASAP.

[Anonymous]

BTW, if the $$ they've saved is in HIS name and not hers, tell her to get herself to the FS NOW. He is required to support her if they are married. The military takes a VERY dim view of not supporting dependents AND not paying bills.

If she were to stop paying on the car note, her hubby's butt would be in uber trouble. She needs to stop paying it (assuming it's in his name alone?) and use THAT money to sock away.

She can also appeal to the base JAG office. They provide FREE legal services to sponsors and dependents alike. THEY can get him to stop his crap ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I just may start screaming any moment now...

We were just eating dinner and SIL asked DD if she had called about that house.  She said she had but they hadn't called back.  I asked what house?  She said they drove by a house for sale today in the area that's priced at $129k.  That is DARN low for our area of California.  The house my ex and I bought about 12 years ago was $144k.

Anyway... NOW they are looking at houses?  What happened to not wanting to be with him?  What happened to him not caring about saving for a house?

Save me from the drama of young love!

(wondering if me telling her that he has to get his STUFF out of here and that the Great Dane that has destroyed my back yard has to go too is what prompted them to make a decision/act.)

Message Edited by PittsburgPamela on 07-20-2008 07:02 AM

[Anonymous]

Ummm .... congrats?!

You know, I tell my kids this every chance I get: I would NOT want to be a teenager or Twenty-Something EVER again. It sucked. Too much d@mn drama and not enough experience to know what was worth the drama (and what wasn't).

Personally, and I mean no offense), it sounds as though they both are on the high side of immaturity (and boy! Do I remember THOSE days!) and really have no idea WHAT they want. What sucks is that YOU'RE being pulled into the drama (consider it emotional shrapnel) simply because of proximity.

Chances are, she's feeling neglected. She's obviously been left with the kids while he's deployed, she's feeling not only abandoned, but I'll bet she's also feeling that she's "missing out" on the fun stuff youth usually provides. Add to that, when her hubby IS home, instead of listening to her, being with her, it sounds as though he's off buying crap they don't need.

It sounds as though she's being FORCED, by her circumstances, to be an adult and a SINGLE mother (unless I'm missing the point, it doesn't sound as though hubby really does much in the parenting department) ... and the financially responsible person in the "household."

BTDT.

But still, even though I'll bet her present condition is similar to my previous marriage's ... I don't envy YOU one bit. I was a real PITA to everyone around me. I knee-jerk reacted to EVERYTHING. And it seemed that EVERYTHING upset the crap out of me. When you're having crap happen in your marriage and you're young AND you have young kids, it seems like it's the end of the world.

But I really wish all of you (well, maybe not HIM) the best of luck Pamela. You WILL get through this and so will she. You all may end up with scars, but you'll get through it and find ya'll's happy place.

(BTW, may previous marriage was a nightmare ... but in my case, my Ex decided he was gay and STILL wanted to be married -- I guess I was good cover, dontchaknow - and keep his military career AND his boyfriend on the side. When I decided that wasn't how I wanted to live -- or how I wanted my soon-to-be-born daughter to live -- I left his butt. So if I can start over, SHE can if she HAS to)

[Anonymous]

Hey no need to feel guilty, The military will pay for her to have a place or she can use base housing. She not only will be O.K. But  will be happier, and if she does not move ...there is a way to force the issue. you can evict her. Sometimes you have to use tough love for everyone's sanity.It isn't as if she has no where to go and you are throwing her out in the cold with nothing, she has resources!! You just have to make her use them. She will thank you for it later. Hope you find peace in what ever you decide to do. nunan1953

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

Hey no need to feel guilty, The military will pay for her to have a place or she can use base housing. She not only will be O.K. But  will be happier, and if she does not move ...there is a way to force the issue. you can evict her. Sometimes you have to use tough love for everyone's sanity.It isn't as if she has no where to go and you are throwing her out in the cold with nothing, she has resources!! You just have to make her use them. She will thank you for it later. Hope you find peace in what ever you decide to do. nunan1953

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Evicting as family member, especially if there's no pre-existing "agreement," is a real heartache and would require the OP to jump through more hoops than she's probably physically and emotionally able. It's REALLY hard. REALLY.

Had to "evict" my ex-hubby at one point in time ... he was no where on the lease. Finally had to get a TRO to accomplish it (things were REALLY ugly). It's harder to do than you think.

[fishbjc]

My adopted brother didn't pay my mom rent for nine months.  She finally sold the house.  He hasn't spoken to her since...for putting his family *on the streets*.  The rent was $225/monthly, geez.