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I don't know what to do

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Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: I don't know what to do

I know it will help her and them to finally get out on their own and experience life.  It is hard but they seem (hope) to be getting it together.  My daughter told me this evenng that she found a lender to work with and told him they had 20% down if they can get a house around $130k.  She said he told her that they had first time homebuyer programs that they "need to use" and they could likely get a house for 10% down and downpayment assistance rather than use all the cash they have.
 
I am happy for them just as much as I am happy for me (that is if it goes through).  It's not that I don't like having them here really... I just don't like the mess and STUFF and I want my back yard back.
 
Yes, he gets a housing allowance and that is part of what they have been saving for the last year and a half. 
 
No, it probably hasn't helped her to have me always there.  My other two children, aged 22 and 27, have been on their own since shortly after 18 and they are doing well.
 
I just need to vent sometimes and I really appreciate all the words of wisdom.  I spent yesterday evening looking at products for home improvements that I want to do, saving pictures of things I like, even looked up some landscape design firms that can maybe help me more fully realize the Japanese Garden I was creating (before DOG).
 
 
Message 31 of 45
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: I don't know what to do

I'm sitting here crying after another encounter with my daughter.  I've been on pins and needles wanting so much to do things around my house but it's useless while they are here.  The back of my SUV is full of things I have bought for the kitchen, the new furniture is still in boxes.  I was able to hang some new paintings and another will be finished framing this week. I got a nice silver, double picture frame recently and it was wrapped in tissue paper and bubble wrap and was in the top drawer of the armoir in my bedroom.  Today I looked through digital photos and printed two black and white ones of the grandkids.  I get the frame out and immediately something feels strange... I unwrap it and find that the hinges are all twisted and wracked and almost torn off the rivets to the frame.  Like someone had tried to fold it backwards.  I asked my granddaughter if she did that and she said, "All I did was pop the bubbles (on the bubblewrap)"  I was so angry and upset that nothing I have is safe from being destroyed, even something I so carefully put away.  I told my daughter that no one is allowed in my bedroom, though I said more than that about not leaving my things alone and how the whole house is a mess. 
 
As usual, if I say one thing SHE totally goes off and starts yelling at ME.  Like, "I told you we were applying for a loan, I'm trying to get out of here but you still have to bitch at me.  I know we're not welcome here. What else do you want me to do?"  I said for one thing how about appreciating that she has lived with me for 8 years and never paid a thing?
 
It's not that they are not welcome!  It's that my back yard is destroyed by the dog, the garage is totally taken over with her husband's stuff, my office is a disaster, the kitchen is hardly ever free of dirty dishes and other debris.  I don't even want to be here anymore.
 
And writing that just makes me cry again.
 
Message 32 of 45
southernficoaddict
Frequent Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

My heart hurts for you, but please don't even think thoughts like that.  Give them a deadline, a month, two at the most.  If the house thing doesn't work out then they have to find somewhere to rent.  That will give you a date to look forward to.  Just be no nonsense and very firm, you love her, you love the kids, but this is how its going to be.   You did your job and raised her, now she has to be responsible for the decisions that she has made, and not depend on you to bail her out or make things easy for her and her family now.  Consciencely (sp) or not, she is manipulating you, and so is he.  Force them to take control of their on lives.  SIL will probably be much happier anyway when he is not depending on his MIL, whether he knows it or not.  Thats just a man thing.  (no offense, men)  Set that date and be prepared to stick by it.  You worked hard for what you have, shouldn't you be allowed to enjoy it?
Good luck with everything....
Message 33 of 45
haulingthescoreup
Moderator Emerita

Re: I don't know what to do

I'm so sorry to hear that she's pulling this on you. A parent is responsible for raising kids and setting limits in all circumstances, including while waiting to get a new house. She doesn't respect your boundaries herself, so I suppose it's not that surprising that she sees no reason to require her children to respect boundaries.

I hope that you get your house back to yourself soon. They have a lot of growing up to do, and maybe one day you will all be able to relate to one another on a fairer basis. I hate to say it, but I think that right now, you're just being exploited.
* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007
Message 34 of 45
MattH
Senior Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do



@Anonymous wrote:
I'm sitting here crying after another encounter with my daughter. I've been on pins and needles wanting so much to do things around my house but it's useless while they are here. The back of my SUV is full of things I have bought for the kitchen, the new furniture is still in boxes. I was able to hang some new paintings and another will be finished framing this week. I got a nice silver, double picture frame recently and it was wrapped in tissue paper and bubble wrap and was in the top drawer of the armoir in my bedroom. Today I looked through digital photos and printed two black and white ones of the grandkids. I get the frame out and immediately something feels strange... I unwrap it and find that the hinges are all twisted and wracked and almost torn off the rivets to the frame. Like someone had tried to fold it backwards. I asked my granddaughter if she did that and she said, "All I did was pop the bubbles (on the bubblewrap)" I was so angry and upset that nothing I have is safe from being destroyed, even something I so carefully put away. I told my daughter that no one is allowed in my bedroom, though I said more than that about not leaving my things alone and how the whole house is a mess.
As usual, if I say one thing SHE totally goes off and starts yelling at ME. Like, "I told you we were applying for a loan, I'm trying to get out of here but you still have to bitch at me. I know we're not welcome here. What else do you want me to do?" I said for one thing how about appreciating that she has lived with me for 8 years and never paid a thing?
It's not that they are not welcome! It's that my back yard is destroyed by the dog, the garage is totally taken over with her husband's stuff, my office is a disaster, the kitchen is hardly ever free of dirty dishes and other debris. I don't even want to be here anymore.
And writing that just makes me cry again.





Yikes! How awful for you. She is clearly being totally out of line and needs to be told the deadline in no uncertain terms. She also needs to be told that every such outburst on her part will SHORTEN THE DEADLINE by one day.
TU 791 02/11/2013, EQ 800 1/29/2011 , EX Plus FAKO 812, EX Vantage Score 955 3/19/2010 wife's EQ 9/23/2009 803
EX always was my highest when we could pull all three
Always remember: big print giveth, small print taketh away
If you dunno what tanstaafl means you must Google it
Message 35 of 45
LouMinotti
Regular Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do

This is what happens when you never tell your child "no" -- they freak out the day you decide to say it. She's not doing anything different, but you are.

So she's fearful of what it will be like, fearful of seperation, fearful of independance. fearful of parenting on her own and perhaps fearful of being without the moral support that you probably provide when she has complaints about her husband.

Hold her hand through the process, put her fears to rest -- you'll always be there for her -- but gently let her know it's time, that this is the natural order of things. When the day to day minutia comes up and she or you feel the urge to vent or freak out, gather your thoughts and tell yourself this is only a fear expressed, but everything will be okay..


When my kids freak out at me, and that happened yesterday, I knew there was some fear underneath and I had to control my urge to freak out right back (instead I freaked out at TheNewWorldMan)and put my child's fears to rest. It means that I have to go with my son to Boston to help him choose an apartment next week-end, this will cause me problems with my work, but the result will be my son learning to become independant, that it will be okay.

Be strong, be firm, and stay in control, it's going to be fine.
July 08 FICO TU/683 EQ/629 EX/658
Goal: 700+ by June 09
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.
Message 36 of 45
MattH
Senior Contributor

Re: I don't know what to do



@LouMinotti wrote:
...It means that I have to go with my son to Boston to help him choose an apartment next week-end, this will cause me problems with my work, but the result will be my son learning to become independent, that it will be okay.

Be strong, be firm, and stay in control, it's going to be fine.




My parents have never played any role in the selection of my residences since I finished my undergraduate degree, nor did I play any role in their choice of where to retire.
TU 791 02/11/2013, EQ 800 1/29/2011 , EX Plus FAKO 812, EX Vantage Score 955 3/19/2010 wife's EQ 9/23/2009 803
EX always was my highest when we could pull all three
Always remember: big print giveth, small print taketh away
If you dunno what tanstaafl means you must Google it
Message 37 of 45
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: I don't know what to do

Pamela, Darlin', I really wish I could just pop right through your monitor and give you a big ol' hug! You really don't deserve this ... you really don't.

As to your DD's outbursts and reluctance/refusal to control the kiddos, could it be that she's having a hard time with the hubby? Could it be a case of "poop rolling downhill?" and since you're Good Ol' Mom, it's rolling YOUR way? I'm in NO way trying to take her side -- not by a country mile, Darlin'. I think I'd just like to know if this is her NORMAL behavior or if it's situational.

If it's normal, then I hate to say it, but you've got to, GOT to give her a deadline on when her little patootie needs to be OUT of the house. Your home is YOUR sanctuary. And until she has a home of HER OWN, it's ain't supposed to be HER sanctuary. That comes later ... and it ain't going to come later if she's got you so sick of her and her crapola that you're literally crying yourself to sleep.

If it's situational, then I'd suggest some serious counseling for her. She obviously doesn't realize (or doesn't want to) what she and her brood are doing to you. It sounds, though, that she wouldn't even dream of seeing a counsellor, so I guess it's on to step 2.

Me? I'd treat her like the child she's acting like. Down to the food she eats, the tv shows she watches, the clothes she wears and the time she goes to bed. I think you need to make it as unbearable for HER as it is for YOU. If she's in YOUR house, she's got to obey the rules. Sit her down, and calmly explain that if she's going to be living in your house, you, as the Mom and the rightful Top Hen, are going to treat her like a child. And if she doesn't like it, she's free to leave and rent a hotel, apartment, etc.

I'd also tell her that within X days, you're having a yard sale and her hubby's toys are on the list to GO. Or conversely, if they're in your garage, you can tell her that you're going to be doing some remodeling work on it and his crap will be left outside ALL day and ALL night ... heck, it might even get left outside for a whole week, depending on what mood strikes you. And it's not going to be YOUR fault if any of it gets stolen.

Hire a couple of strapping boys and have them empty the garage OUT. Then have yourself a painting party (you know ... that remodeling we mentioned a second ago). It'll keep your mind off the situation and might even get you to laugh -- as you watch her hubby, scared crapless about his stuff, crying like the little boy he is.

Then, after the painting party, you can even consider changing the auto garage remote thingie. Or just lock the door so they can't access it. Or just park YOUR car in there. It's YOUR garage. And you know what? Unless you gave them permission in writing to let them use it, you're not obligated to.

I don't know if any of this helped. I hope it did. But the bottom line is that it's YOUR house, YOUR rules, YOUR sanity.

I'll be praying for you!!!
Message 38 of 45
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: I don't know what to do

In fact, if you're worried that the little boy might get all angry over his stuff being evicted, and you want to cover your patootie, send them both a letter CMRRR, stating that during the week of X and X, their things MUST be out of the garage as it's going to be remodeled.

Also make sure to mention that any items left IN the garage WILL be considered abandoned and will be removed to 1) a storage facility in their name or 2) the nearest side street out of the way or 3) the local GoodWill.

That would be nice and legal -- it's ALWAYS easier to evict someone from an out-building than it is an actual residence.

Though, remember that you're not "evicting" them, you're remodeling and need their things removed prior to work being started.
Message 39 of 45
Anonymous
Not applicable

Re: I don't know what to do

I know she's scared.  The more something is put off the larger and scarier it becomes. 
 
I love her and she's not always like that.  She came to me last night and apologized.  I accepted her apology and said that it was not that they were not welcome.  I love to garden, it gives me joy and a sense of accomplishment that I am missing here.  I found out that her husband is not being deployed, he is going to Washington state.  She won't be going, she is enrolling in nursing school.  I asked what she was going to do then?  Buy a house here while he lives there?  Keep her night job?  What is she going to do with the kids, drop them off here at 10:30pm and pick then up at 7:30am?  How is she going to go to school and work nights?
 
I don't mind them being here, I mind the mess.  I told her that and that we could work something out and that my requirements are that the garage gets cleaned out and the dog has to go so that I can do what I love to do.  My oldest daughter wants the dog, she and her fiance have a huge yard and two other dogs.  It will be best for him.  He's a Great Dane and I have a tiny little yard with no lawn.
 
Those two things would make me happy.  These are things that I need, to create and to be DOING something.  I did every bit of work in my last house and I enjoyed all of it.  It's coming home from work every day and looking forward to "what am I going to do tonight?"
 
 
 
Message 40 of 45
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