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This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

Established Contributor

This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

I've been with the myfico community about 4 months now and what I realize is that more often than not is that most people feel like they are "less than" for one reason or another, ex:

1. The rebuilders (like myself) who either made bad choices in a previous life or are going through some tramatic circumstances to get them there. We are almost apologetic that we're in this place in our lives, having to explain over and over again after the question "why did you let yourself get in that position?"

2. People who are denied: this creditor or that denied me. Denial hurts

3. People who have been AA'd. You were once in the "cool clique" and now you're out with the rebuilders. Prime lenders who used to be your friends won't touch you.

4. People who open new credit because they wanted to for whatever personal reason but they always pay their bills on time and may PIF every month with low UTIL but they must not think they deserve more because they still feel like someone will judge them for opening new credit. They feel bad about having lots of inquiries but they actually manage their credit profile very well.


5. Surprisingly people who have great credit that go on a successful AP spee only to feel remorse the next morning. Likely they will use new credit responsibly but yet they are racked with guilt anyway.

It doesn't help that there are a few ppl on this board that will respond to an OP berating her/him and then not offering solid advice regarding how to fix the problem. Whatever that may be. That just adds to the guilt.
"However many years she lived, Mary always felt that 'she should never forget that first morning when her garden began to grow'.”― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
Message 1 of 30
29 REPLIES
Valued Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

These are good observations. I recognoze the guilt concept. Yesterday, I apped with NFCU for memberhship (not for credit), because I wanted to build a relationship with them in case I wanted a car or mortgage in the coming years. I felt the guilt, knowing that I had commited myself to the garden. Even though no credit was attached to the application, I still felt like I would be judged. Funny enough, I posted in the garden thread that I had apped for membership and I dont' think anyone even noticed. Maybe the guilt is totally self imposed.

Message 2 of 30
Established Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

It is completely self imposed. Those of us who feel validation from being "approved" and those of us who feel poorly about ourselves When being "rejected". My feelings were hurt when citi balanced chased me two years ago when I fell under hard times and I have blacklisted them for life. Really, I have more important things in my life to put my energy towards lol.
"However many years she lived, Mary always felt that 'she should never forget that first morning when her garden began to grow'.”― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
Message 3 of 30
Community Leader
Senior Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

None of this is personal,  Denials are shrugged off by many of us.  This attitude will come over time.  We are not the normal customers of lenders and most of the time we walk the fine line of what is acceptable with our current profile (at that time) so denials are part of the game. My profile does not measure my self worth...  It donates where i am on my journey.

 

 I Don't sweat the small stuff as I may miss out on experiences in other areas of my life.



Message 4 of 30
Valued Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.


bmhill wrote:
It is completely self imposed. Those of us who feel validation from being "approved" and those of us who feel poorly about ourselves When being "rejected". My feelings were hurt when citi balanced chased me two years ago when I fell under hard times and I have blacklisted them for life. Really, I have more important things in my life to put my energy towards lol.

This. Definitely most of us do feel bad occasionally about creditors' decisions or our own failures to attain goals. But that's just us. Self imposed as bmhill says.

 

Besides, to whatever extend these forums do leave us feeling guilty or bad about ourselves, it's usually in a useful, productive way. Guilt isn't a bad thing if it encourages us to examine our motives and behavior and do better in the future.

Message 5 of 30
Super Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.


bmhill wrote:
I've been with the myfico community about 4 months now and what I realize is that more often than not is that most people feel like they are "less than" for one reason or another, ex:

1. The rebuilders (like myself) who either made bad choices in a previous life or are going through some tramatic circumstances to get them there. We are almost apologetic that we're in this place in our lives, having to explain over and over again after the question "why did you let yourself get in that position?"
--  A perfectly understandable perspective, not unlike how I had felt after my financial irresponsibility during my University days.  I find as I get older, the more I stay true to the Disraeli adage, "never apologize, never explain."  Your friends don't require it, and your enemies will never believe it.
2. People who are denied: this creditor or that denied me. Denial hurts
-- Sure, but as with most endeavors in life, the one with the *most* denials will be ultimately the most successful.  A "no" turned into a "maybe" is the most powerful answer in life--it is the stuff of hope with unlimited possibilities.
3. People who have been AA'd. You were once in the "cool clique" and now you're out with the rebuilders. Prime lenders who used to be your friends won't touch you.
-- Turn about is fair play.  Some Prime lenders have nerfed so much, they're not even fit to churn, let alone for me give any serious consider using.  
4. People who open new credit because they wanted to for whatever personal reason but they always pay their bills on time and may PIF every month with low UTIL but they must not think they deserve more because they still feel like someone will judge them for opening new credit. They feel bad about having lots of inquiries but they actually manage their credit profile very well.
-- In my view, when it comes to purely financial pursuits, we use money to keep score.  From this perspective, per the Wilde adage, "nothing succeeds like excess."  There is nothing to feel guility about.  Frankly, I never understood the guilt associated with app'ing for too much credit, harvesting too many bonuses, or closing a card to avoid a fee.  Nothing personal, aside from meeting our obligations, what do we owe these Banks and CC companies?  

5. Surprisingly people who have great credit that go on a successful AP spee only to feel remorse the next morning. Likely they will use new credit responsibly but yet they are racked with guilt anyway.
-- Only remorse I feel is if by app'ing now, I may have missed a better offer tomorrow.  I understand feeling "dumb and stupid" on app'ing for a pointless card, but never guilt or remorse.
It doesn't help that there are a few ppl on this board that will respond to an OP berating her/him and then not offering solid advice regarding how to fix the problem. Whatever that may be. That just adds to the guilt.  -- On this, I'd usually just tell the person to go pound sand.  If it weren't for FSR, I'd could be much more colorful on how I deliver that message.

Excellent post!  Some very succinct observations.  My compliments.

Message 6 of 30
Established Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

Open123, I agree with all of your responses and your philosophy! You're so right! What do we care what a bunch of strangers on a forum are going to think or say? Also, I agree: we don't owe these cc companies anything but paying back the money we "borrowed". If they don't show us love we don't have to either!
"However many years she lived, Mary always felt that 'she should never forget that first morning when her garden began to grow'.”― Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden
Message 7 of 30
Super Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

Excellent posts on this topic! For myself, it has been about learning the "tricks of the trade." Lenders have rules/guidelines and posters take up the challenge and find innovative ways to get where they want to go. Until this forum I found I was way to accepting of one CSR's or credit analyst's opinion (which often was not the last word on the subject). Now, I am like a dog that bites the mail man (used to feel bad about the attitude). Now it is the best person wins. Truth, I constructively use the knowledge put forth on this site and log off when I have had enough.

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Message 8 of 30
Valued Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.


bmhill wrote:
I've been with the myfico community about 4 months now and what I realize is that more often than not is that most people feel like they are "less than" for one reason or another, ex:

1. The rebuilders (like myself) who either made bad choices in a previous life or are going through some tramatic circumstances to get them there. We are almost apologetic that we're in this place in our lives, having to explain over and over again after the question "why did you let yourself get in that position?"

2. People who are denied: this creditor or that denied me. Denial hurts

3. People who have been AA'd. You were once in the "cool clique" and now you're out with the rebuilders. Prime lenders who used to be your friends won't touch you.

4. People who open new credit because they wanted to for whatever personal reason but they always pay their bills on time and may PIF every month with low UTIL but they must not think they deserve more because they still feel like someone will judge them for opening new credit. They feel bad about having lots of inquiries but they actually manage their credit profile very well.


5. Surprisingly people who have great credit that go on a successful AP spee only to feel remorse the next morning. Likely they will use new credit responsibly but yet they are racked with guilt anyway.

It doesn't help that there are a few ppl on this board that will respond to an OP berating her/him and then not offering solid advice regarding how to fix the problem. Whatever that may be. That just adds to the guilt.

Guilt and worry are self inflicted. Neither is the intent of this forum.

 

Ignore the negative but use any constructive advice/criticism to your benefit.

Fico 8: .......EQ 850 TU 850 EX 850 (3/2017)
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Message 9 of 30
Established Contributor

Re: This forum is made to make us feel guilty.

I get it - and sure it is self imposed....

I also have found myself - defending myself because of a situation or plan of attack on my/our own goals......

Everyone situation is differnt - and we all got here for/and by different reasons.....

 

guilt can be a great motivator - you have to remember - none of us really know each other - so take it with a grain of salt - use the experiences for what they are worth - and try not to let the rest get you down.....

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Message 10 of 30