Total Vent and not even FICO related

[Catacam]

So I am going to vent here and I'm not even going to spell check it!!!  For anyone I may offend.... well sorry...

So I am the step mom to a wonderful 14 year old son. He is a great kid and I have been in his life since he was 9. He was split about 70/30 with him living with us a majority of the time and my husband is the custodial parent. He has had some interesting issues with learning and some emotional baggage that came from an older step-siblings (not our side) abuse, but has sense been through counseling and has done much better.

Last March his dumba$$ mom gave us two weeks notice and moved to Texas. She didn't want to take our son (or the other 6 year old son) with her, which we would never allow anyway, but she didn't even mention anything.

Little back story, 12 years ago, she cheated on my husband and ended up marrying the other guy and thank goodness because he is the love of my life.

She has sense paid us $150 a month for child support (not court ordered) and his orthodontist bill which is about the same amount. Last month we got a message from her saying she lost her job AGAIN and couldn't send us any money and asked us to pay his orthodontist bill (which we do anyway because she is always late). The next day she posts on her facebook that she is on the boat and heading for Jamaica and the Camen islands with her baby....  Ummm, if you aren't pay for your obligations, don't be so stupid as to put it on Facebook... SMH... My husband called her out on it and she said to stay out of her business and that someone else was paying for the cruise... Hmmmm....

Fast forward to this week. She flew in on Friday to spend two weeks here. First time she has been back since Christmas. She was supposed to pick up our son on Friday but called us and said she couldn't fit it in?? WTH?? We made her call him and tell him because we feel she needs to own up to her responsibilities.  She finally picked him up at noon on Saturday and stayed with her until last night.

We try not to put him in an awkward position by asking too many questions, but last night he unloaded on us. He said that her and his step dad (they are seperated) fought the entire time. Then she tells our son that the step dad cheated on her two years ago and had another baby with someone else (Karma is a b*&ch huh) and that he was also sleeping with the receptionist at the sons school. (weren't you just on a boat with another guy??) Oh and I should add, they have both told the kids that they are trying to work things out which they are not, they just feel it is easier on the kids.  She also told him that she is going to get custody of her other son and move him to TX because the he has been tardy to school 4 seperate times. Our son got very upset at this point because he won't get to see his little brother anymore (we and the stepdad make sure the boys spend lots of time together). His mom told him that he doesn't see him now so why would it matter (she doesn't know how often they see eachother).  She also told him that even though she has no job, she has lots of money and will get an attorney to get custody (yet you can't pay us what you owe us)?????

GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR  I am so disgusted that a grown up would have these kinds of conversations with an emotionally vaulnerable 14 year old. He worries about her so much anyway and this just takes the cake. I know that I am NOT his mother, but in my heart, I am and mamma bear is pissed. I am having a very hard time not contacting her myself. Our son asked us to NOT say anything because he is worried about getting in trouble, and yes, she will get mad and take it out on him.

I would call her out, but my husband is unsure of what approach to take. He doesn't want to break trust with our son, but he needs to say something.

So I am done with my vent... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Any opinions are welcome!!

[FrugalRican]

Just be the best step mom you could possibly be.

She'll regret it one day and it'll be too late.

She might be a terrible mother, but you are there for him.

I have a mother and a stepmother. I feel blessed to have both in my life and that both are very positive inspirations for me, but had my mom not been in the picture, my stepmom was always there for me, and it counts for more than she could ever comprehend.

You guys have an important decision to make, but he does have legitimate cause for concern if he's worried about his own mother's repercussions.

Good luck, it's not an easy decision, but the best thing you could do is fully support him 100%.

[llecs]

I've never been in that situation, but speaking as an outsider and non-party, this is what I would do:

1) Skip the money. It's not court-ordered and you won't need to worry if she pays or not, or whether she travels or not. One less thing to worry about.

2) Block her on FB. De-friend her. Have your DH de-friend her. Do whatever it takes to make sure you never see her FB profile again. You won't have to think about her move, travel to the Islands, or whatever is happening in her life. All of that is superficial and unimportant to you.

3) Limit your DS's exposure. If the EX fails to follow-up and decides not to show up to pick him up, don't remind her. Move on. If she says she can't fit her son in, then say "OK".

4) Have a conversation with the EX minus DS. Set firm ground-rules on what the DS shouldn't be exposed to. Your DH needs to do that with you in the room so you are on the same page. Figure out what bugged DS and have all parties agree that certain topics of conversation are not to be made in front of him...ever.

[Errin1]

wow ....just wow. You go ahead and vent. I am amazed at how reckless some parents are. That woman (I will NOT call her a mother because none of her actions are motherly at all) is trifling. I will scream from the top of my lungs about how awful it is parents have adult conversations with CHILDREN. She put her son in an awful position and her conversation with him was inappropriate, to say the least. 

  Cat, get a lawyer ASAP. You and hubby have a chat with legal to explore your options and protect your family rights. Take her ass to court and get your child support and do it now. Hubby doesn't need to go down that road and have any conversation with her to let her know the cat is out of the bag. Handle the family's business. Protect your stepson's mental and emotional health.  Protect YOUR family's well being and let the lawyer be your mouthpiece.

    Also NEVER allow that woman to take anything out on your stepson PERIOD. He should NEVER be made to feel bad because that wench has no filter and cannot act like a decent, caring mother. Never stoop to her level. This doesn't need to get ugly and let her make you and yours stoop to her level. Act classy, not trashy because the kids are watching and children always LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN!

[Catacam]

Thank you everyone!!

I will say that he is doing much better now that she has moved to Texas and yes he does have a great mom!   It is just so hard for me to understand how a mother could behave the way that she does (I would never in a million years leave my 7 year old) and it is even harder to see him so upset.

It is a great idea to stay out of her business especially when it just infuriates us and in reality, there is nothing we can do to change it.  We don't ever count on her money at all and it is such a small amount that it makes no difference. We they got divorced, she was ordered to pay CS and he never inforced it because he was worried about her backlash (she can be evil).  We are discussing going to court, but because we don't need the money, and my husband is already the custodial parent, there is almost no reason to spend the money, but we are looking at it.

We have talked to her in the past about the way she speaks to him, but it clearly goes in one ear and out the other. She is famous for false promises (we are going to Disneyland) and never following through. It is so bad that this last Christmas, she told him that she was going to get him a PS3 and of course never did, but he told all of his friends and a few of them said "yeah right".... That is the heartbreaking stuff and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do but tell him things will get better.

It is hard in once sense because we almost defend her because of his age and because he does love her so much, but behind the fake smiles, want to tell him the truth... So frustrating.

And, I do stand behind my husband 100%!!

[FrugalRican]

Cata, I know you guys want to tell him stuff... but in my opinion (and this might vary a LOT with other forum-goers)... let him draw his own conclusions.

He's getting older and a bit more conscious of what is going on.

And sometimes it's not just about the money, but about setting precedents too.

[Errin1]

Cat, I understand how you feel about not wanting to take her to court for support but it's the principle. You're making it too easy to shirk her responsibilities. Take her payments and open an account for  SS and he could use it in the future for education or moving expenses. 

 I am tired of hearing about deadbeat parents. My hubby and I lived it (both of our fathers had great jobs and chose to ignore their parental duties) and it still brings back bad memories for us and we're in our 40's. I've learned to forgive my father but I'll never forget what he did to us.

See now I'm pissed I want to smack her into reality because she will live to regret her actions. TRUST! Young flighty people become old...when they're not as cute and quick and noone wants to party with them they all of a sudden remember the kids they neglected and the families they ignored. I'd like to also add that she is emotionally abusing her son with her behavior and broken promises. I would be hard pressed allowing her to visit him unsupervised since she seems unable and unwilling to act in an adult manner.

Protect your head and hearts. Don't let her manipulate you, your hubby or your SS. Clearly she's unreasonable and unable to do the right thing so let the law do the work and keep her from abusing your son....forget the step crap. YOU ARE HIS MOTHER! Protect your son.

[Catacam]

Thank you so much everyone! Sorry I got you mad Errin!! I too have a deadbeat dad. I have never met him and then two years ago he found my on facebook and wants to have a relationship. I tried, and he has disappeared again.

I feel so much better having vented.

As far as the courts, my husband set up an appointment to go meet with the moderator to discuss modifying the current parenting plan!! It will be interesting to see what he learns!

[demi]

I went thru similar stuff as a child, father split the state, then came back 3 years later with his new wife and kids and wanted instant family again.  Left my mom high and dry, this was back in the 60's, mom was a stay at home mom with 3 kids.  He only paid half of what he was suppose to pay for child support, when he paid.  My mom never said bad things about him (I was the baby, my sister and brother new darn well what was up).  Back in those days, there was absolutely no enforcement of child support orders.

I would enforce the child support orders 100%...she needs to think of her son at least once a month when she has to write a check.  If you don't need it, keep it in an account for college or a down payment for a house for him some day.

My sister and father have not spoken in 42 years (since the day she got married), he has never seen his grandchildren or great grandchildren...he is the one who lost out.  

I don't have kids, but I can't imagine any parent ever not wanting to be a daily part of their childs life.

[Booner72]

Poor kid, and poor you guys.  It sounds like you are doing everything you can - I would advise, since you asked, to definitely enforce the child support, to whatever extent it can be - it will be garnished from her paychecks.  Whether you need the money is irrelevant, because it is the son's money and he will definitely be able to use it.  It can go into one of those tax accounts for college  maybe?  What if she wins the lottery or comes into some big money?  All the backdue support will go to you guys, first and foremost.

And llecs' advice to stay off FB is sound.  We banished the evil stepmonster from our FB's and blocked her, so that she can't see any of our pics or anything (Cuz even if you do unfriend someone, they can still see some of what you have), but if you block they can't, and then you can't see her, either.  It has for me been an all consuming obsession to find out what is going on with people that are better left out of my head!

Good Luck!!!!!  Keep us posted on what DH hears about the visiting schedule.