Here is my patented credit score rubric. Your mileage may, of course, vary.
How about:
Superb (820 and up) (midnight blue) (rank: god/goddess)
You are the king (or queen) of credit. You have a very long history of polishing your financial brass to a blinding gleam, with nary a misstep or a jot out of place, and it shows. You have managed to avoid even the tiniest of misfortunes. There's a plaque next to third base at Wrigley Field commemorating your birth there. Traffic signals turn green at your approach. Lenders will fall all over themselves to give you the lowest possible rates, and may even ask you for your autograph. Who is your publicist?
Excellent (775 to 819) (deep blue)(rank: emperor/empress)
While a little short of perfection, your credit is sterling, obviously the product of many years of good financial management (or extraordinary luck). You'll have no trouble at all getting a great deal on a house, car, or aluminum siding, and you can count on plenty of willing lenders. In fact, if you go to any buyer's fair for homes, or to a car lot, you had better carry a Taser at full charge to fend off the foaming-at-the-mouth salesmen. Yours is the charmed life.
Very Good (740 to 774) (azure) (rank: king/queen)
Congratulations. Your credit is quite up to the task of securing any loan, and at excellent rates. You could get your FICO higher, but what's the point? You're decidedly above average, a cut above the rest, so why work harder than you have to? The only value of credit surpassing yours is snob appeal, and who needs that?
Good (710 to 739) (turquoise) (rank: governor)
You have good credit. Not outstanding, not perfect, not as handsome as Adonis himself, but quite respectable. You're responsible, but you have better things to do in life than obsessing over your FICO score or those few extra pounds on your waistline. You should get that car loan or mortgage you want, at rates just a few hairs above the bottom.
Decent (675 to 709) (green) (rank: mayor)
Your credit is right around average. Average isn't bad. Maybe not good, but not bad either. You'll be eligible for almost any loan, but not at the best rates. Keep rowing harder, and you can get ahead!
Fair (625 to 674) (spring green) (rank: principal)
Your FICO score is in a gray area. You're below average, but you aren't low enough for anyone to make any snide remarks. You're just sucking along a couple strokes above par. Mediocrity is the American way, so don't be ashamed. If you want to bother, you can raise your FICO and significantly improve your interest rates. And did we mention your ScoreWatch subscription will also give you whiter teeth?
Shaky (600 to 624) (yellow) (rank: store clerk)
At this level, a few people may raise their eyebrows. You're far enough below average to definitely not be in the In crowd. Mortgage brokers and car loan bankers will approve you, but grudgingly, and for rather high rates. At least they won't spray the chair you sat in with Lysol after you leave, so be grateful for small favors.
Poor (550 to 599) (orange) (rank: busboy)
Your FICO is in definite need of help. If you golfed as well as you managed your credit, you'd have a hole in ten. Suffice it to say you won't be on the guest list of any parties in the better parts of town. Not only will your loan applications probably be rejected, but they WILL Lysol the chair after you leave their office. Sucks to be you. Stick to the secured cards and avoid needless humiliation.
Bad (480 to 549) (red) (rank: bum)
You're just one short step above untouchable. Your loan and credit applications will be fished out of the incoming mail cart with tongs by clerks dressed in full environment suits, and fed into the incinerator unread. Take heart though, because your class of FICO underachievers has driven a whole new area of innovation: the max fee credit card. Your statements arrive with postage due. In addition to the $1000 deposit for your $200 line of credit, you also have a membership fee, an account maintenance fee, an annual fee, a stamp-licking fee, a balance change fee, and a payment processing fee. Oh, and every time you read your paper statement or load the Web page with your electronic statement, that'll be a $2.99 statement reading fee.
Terrible (below 479) (maroon) (rank: leper)
Your FICO sucks. You must have worked hard to get such lousy credit. Have you ever paid anything on time? Your luck is beyond bad. If you entered into a bet involving a coin toss, and were guaranteed five times your original stake for heads or tails, the coin would land on edge and stay there. If you bet there was going to be hot weather this summer, the Earth would fall off its axis and we'd slide into an Ice Age. No one will ever offer you credit. If you could put up the Saudi oilfields and the Taj Mahal as collateral, you couldn't even borrow enough money for lunch at McDonald's. You can't even get a punch card at the local deli. The library will ask you for your card back. And even if you could get into the loan department of a bank before the Dobermans were released, you would see a picture of yourself on the bank wall, the caption reading "Do NOT give this person credit for ANY reason WHATSOVER!!!!"
Have a nice day.
