Re: Hoping I'm not the only bad person out there ...
08-10-2012 12:33 PM
This scenario (although not quite to the same magnitude) was my #1 reason for getting divorced 11 yrs ago. There were other issues as well but minor compared to my issues with the financial dishonesty.
Dishonestly kills trust, trust is required for a successful partnership of any kind. You were dishonest at the beginning and continue to be so to date. If you're hiding money, entertainment destinations, etc... what else are you hiding?
Personally I would prefer to be cheated on and know about it than to be lied to about money or anything else. If I was your wife (and I'm the same age you are) and you were up front about the joint finances, gambling, going to the strip club, etc I personally would be fine. BUT, being lied to about any of it is a deal breaker.
I tried the joint finances route unti ex-h decided NOT to deposit his paycheck and NOT contribute to the financial necessities of the household. He would cash it and keep the money, telling me it was gone already. He also went out and bought himself a used truck at 25% interest that was 10 yrs old when his broke down WITHOUT telling me AFTER we had just discussed going to look at new trucks which we could well afford and would've been at 0-3% interest. I was completely disgusted by this time and decided to separate finances... closed joint cc, closed joint acct, removed his cell from my account, etc. I had bought my house before we were married so the mortgage was solely in my name as were all utilities. I got my check, he got his and other than joint living expenses I didn't care what he spent the rest of it on. I presented him a flat half share bill each month for mortgage, utilities, and daycare. Paid my own car payment, cc, cell, all baby diapers and clothing, and so on. After discovering his hidden stash of about $500 cash only days after he hit me up for gas money "because he was broke" I was LIVID!!! His excuse..." I was saving up to buy you something nice" **bleep**!?!?!? Bills weren't getting paid, baby needed diapers, we needed groceries... and he's hiding money... the only things I ever wanted didn't cost a dime... honestly and household help since I also worked full time out of the home. Oh... and later, I found out that about the same time he started hiding money issues from me he ALSO started sleeping around.
Unless she's just hanging around because of the money she is aware of and already lacks trust in you... you are headed for disaster. My advice, come clean NOW... on all of it. Expect to be rebuilding the entire relationship from the ground up if she gives you the chance... and count your blessings if she does. If you can't be honest on the financial front, it is impossible to be honest in the marriage
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