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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,115
Registered: ‎04-01-2007
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Imdone123 wrote:

Greetings.....

 

My wife has tried to ruin me financially, but she did NOT succeed.  Perhaps describing things so as to imply that she tried is NOT accurate...but a little emotional.

 

I have a substantial income, and we have a 10,000 square foot house.  My wife has two children from a prior marriage, and I have one.  We share an 8yo son together.  My wife is NOT at all capable of managing money.  I recognized this early in the marriage.  We have been married for 9 years.  That said, she purported to need money every month.  Therefore, as her husband, I gave to her $3000 per month over a 6 year period of time.  In total she received $237,000.  Today her credit score is about 300.  She has no funds whatsoever, and she was working during this same period of time.  No one knows where this money went.  While she received these funds, 100% of all expenses were paid in the house.  We had a nanny, a house keeper, etc.  She had no expenses WHATSOEVER regarding the house.  Her ex refused to pay child support...and he is a lawyer.  I have maintained a very good credit score, got my oldest son through an Ivy League University- he graduated debt free ontime, and kept our youngest in private school.

 

The lesson:  DO NOT HAVE A JOINT ACCOUNT.  DO NOT GIVE THE WIFE ACCESS TO ANY OF THE MONEY.  IF YOU HAVE A JOINT ACCOUNT CLOSE IT.  PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS SITUATION WILL NOT GET BETTER.  WHEN ONE OF YOU WORRIES ABOUT THE FINANCES THE OTHER DOES NOT HAVE TO,  SHE COULD SPEND EVERY DIME YOU ONLY TO FILE FOR DIVORCE AND ASK THAT YOU CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF HER.  And while not allowing access creates marital discord, which would you prefer?  If you divorce and your personal credit is ruined than anger and hopelessness abounds.  If however, you continue to NOT allow the wife access to funds, she will become angry and feel as if she is not a part of things, and therefore she will seek a divorce.  To whit, you will feel a sense of relief and freedom having not allowed access versus "**bleep** was I thinking for allowing her access."  Either way you will be divorced.  The thread for this blog is Love and Money.  A marriage in America based solely on love is doomed to fail, as is one based solely on money.  If you cannot balance the two with your wife, the marriage will fail.  The longer you stay, the more it will cost you if and when you leave...now she may leave when she has had enough or the money dries up.


Yikes. :smileysad:

 

Marriage is meant to be a partnership, emotionally, physically, and financially.

 

Just as in a business partnership, you have to have common goals with your partner, and you have to be able to trust one another and be open and accountable to one another.

 

I wouldn't try to keep track of every penny that a partner has, and vice versa. We're all grownups, and we have a right to our own Baby Ruth splurges and CD sprees. But $3K a month, just gone, without a trace; that's nuts.

 

As is common in military families, my mother managed the household income for her entire married life, and it went great. My parents discussed things, planned things, and accomplished many of their goals and dreams. It wasn't so smooth with DXH, mainly in the common plans and dreams department, but we were both responsible with money, and we did OK with me managing the checkbook for day-to-day stuff, and us jointly deciding on big stuff.

 

As I mentioned in another thread, I would be OK with only one person handling all the money when the other can't or won't take responsibility, IF the first person keeps records and is willing to share what's going on and IF the other person truly signs on and doesn't whine and complain. Some are genuinely relieved to be out from under the burden of handling and thinking about money.

 

But refusing to be responsible AND complaining about being put on an allowance, that's childish and absurd.

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tonyaether
Posts: 341
Registered: ‎06-04-2011
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable
[ Edited ]

kjm79 wrote:

WOW!  I don't think I've ever read a thread on these forums that have ever struck a personal chord for me the way this one did. 

 

I had/have a very similiar situation with my DH.  When he was young and lived at home his mom balanced his check book and bailed him out when he was in trouble with money.  After we married I handled all the finances, not by choice.  He would bring home his checkstubs still in the un-opened envelope.  He had no desire to know the passwords for our online banking accounts.  He had/has no concept of MONEY IN vs MONEY OUT.  I've done the spreadsheets, budgets, showed him in black and RED how much money comes in and how much goes out.  We sat down weekly and paid bills together.  Although he never voluntarily went to the checkbook to see our balances or even pay a bill himself.  While he did seem "shocked" at how much MORE went out than came in, his habits never really changed.  He said he cared about that "stuff" but actions showed otherwise.  I ended becoming labeled as the controlling wife by his friends and even some of his family.  Because he always had to ask "permission" before spending any money or even going out to lunch.  We tried the weekly allowance, still complained.  I tried explaining of course that it wasn't permission he was asking for, but it was confirming that we had the money to do whatever it was he wanting to do.  We had joint everything pretty much.  We actually separated for approx. a year after a while over this due to built up resentment on both sides.  All the remaing joint accounts that were open and owing I took and made sure they stayed current.  He opened a few cc's in his name.  Screwed those up of course.  let a utility bill go unpaid.  We've since reconciled and things are better, but he still hasn't quite got there yet.  A few years ago he lost his job and was out of work for months.  I'm the one who had to start the unemployment process, he was too proud.  After 6 months of NO work he and I had a LONG talk and he ended up joing the military.  He's been deployed once and returned home safe and sound.  I think his responsibility level has greatly increased.  Still financially immature though.  Getting better little by little.  We do have a few joint accounts still but also have our separate accounts.  He still pays very little attention to money in vs money out.  For example, just based on pay dates and due dates for bills we were short about $300 to pay all the bills that were due before we were paid again.  Because I save I was able to pull money from savings to cover that gap and will be able to replace it next pay period.  Frustrates the crap out of me!!  He's got the mindset that "we always make due" and "that's what savings is for".  I don't want to just "make due" or tap into savings for everyday expenses.  I've had to basically give him an allowance and there are times I have to tell him that he's not allowed to spend anything.  He complains about it of course and that it's his money too.  He's made the statments that I don't need to treat him like a child as well.  I've basically told him that until he actively participates in the family finances and SHOWS more financial maturity that this is how it's going to be.  I've also told him that if he wants to treat money like a child would treat money then he would be treated like that child.  The other option posed to him was that we can go separate on ALL our finances and we'd split everything down the middle.  He doesn't want to do that so he keeps quiet for the most part and goes along with it. 

 

Now we both work full-time jobs (he's also part-time with the army reserves) and we have two children.  Both finished high school and I went on to get a college degree while he has not.  Although, to his credit, he did help support our family while I went to school.  And now with Veteran's benefits he is looking into going back to school.  I do make more money than he does which I think has bothered him for a while but it's never been a real issue for us.  I think some of it may definitely be the lack of confidence in our significant others.  The military has helped him mature quite a bit.  Also, being separated and having to do everything on his own and failing at that was a real smack in the face for him.  Sometimes, something drastic has to happen before people really see what's going on.  Maybe CC's wife NEEDS her smack the face by having that talk with her dad, or being cut off from money and given a strict allowance.  Being forced to finish school.  Forced to work if she refuses to conform to a family budget. 

 

Our family goal is also to buy a house next year.   I'm been working on cleaning up his credit as well as bringing down our overall debt.  He's starting to grasp the concept of what needs to happen to reach our goal.  But it has not been an easy process at all and some of it he did have to learn the hard way.  Good luck to you CreditCrusader! 


I totally relate to CC and especially to you kjm79.  My DH is also really bad with credit and finances.  He has been in the military since we started dating and eventually married. He is still active duty and continues to be completely irresponsible with money and debt.  However, his pride doesn't really allow him to want to listen to my suggestions, even though I am far better with credit and finances.  Now I have always worked full time at my job for about 6 years (before we married and started dating). I had my own finances in order.  Once we got married and I saw his lack of responsibility in that area.  He kept many things secret when were dating and it's easy to do so when dating someone in the military. I had no idea of his financial past. Once I found out, I made a firm decision that we would keep everything separate.  We do own a house, but I had to qualify for it with only my finances as he has a foreclosure already. He is not on the mortgage or deed.  I had hoped by year 3 he would be on it; but nope.  All of our cars are in my name only.  He wants a new car when he gets back from his tour in Korea but I refuse to co-sign on anything with him.  I have been called selfish by family and friends (on both sides); controlling, etc.  He says I need to learn how to "live for the moment".  I just respond to him, "I don't want to work forever!"  I get a lot of guilt put on me for not assisting him credit-wise, including not co-signing on his car.  However, he keeps a vast majority of his military pay.  We have a joint account for bills in which we contribute equally to and bills are paid out of.  He keeps the rest of his pay and I keep the rest of my pay in our separate private accounts (although my pay goes towards bills and saving as I have active credit card accounts, my car note, etc. and he doesn't).  The thing is though, I wouldn't mind helping him if he tried to help himself.  He spends all of his money frivolously, never saves and basically blows his entire base pay.  I aggressively pay off debt (pay my car note ahead and paying down pricipal, always pay credit cards in full (with the exception of one BT soon to be paid off in April).  I feel I have helped him by giving him an opportunity to have progressively paid his debts (only totaling about $6000) and build up a considerable savings.  But he chooses not to do that.  I would love for us to be able to move into a bigger house where both of our incomes are considered and to have joint credit ventures (at least some)...it would make me feel a lot better and like the weight of everything isn't on me. But I feel stuck. I used to think this was a military thing as I see a lot of military men that do not show responsibility in that area (especially the younger enlisted).  But we are in our 30s. This is ridiculous. What people don't think about is that one of you needs decent credit and one of you at the very LEAST needs to think about your financial future. 


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FrugalRican
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Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Funny you say that, tonyaether... but my father is like this and he is ex-military and one of my best friends is like this as well and he's in active duty in Bahrain.

He has the most impressive collection of Xbox 360 games ever, but not real keen on savings nor retirement nor anything like that.

 

My dad was terrible with credit and it was one of the main reasons why they got a divorce.

 

But I have met people in the armed forces who are very responsible with their finances.

 

It's too bad that you found out way too late.

Best of luck to you.

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tonyaether
Posts: 341
Registered: ‎06-04-2011
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

FrugalRican wrote:

Funny you say that, tonyaether... but my father is like this and he is ex-military and one of my best friends is like this as well and he's in active duty in Bahrain.

He has the most impressive collection of Xbox 360 games ever, but not real keen on savings nor retirement nor anything like that.

 

My dad was terrible with credit and it was one of the main reasons why they got a divorce.

 

But I have met people in the armed forces who are very responsible with their finances.

 

It's too bad that you found out way too late.

Best of luck to you.


It's a lesson learned.  I haven't given up but sometimes I get bitter and angry. I say I get tired of being the "responsible" one.  I just hope he gets better. I still have hope it will at least.  My dad is retired, one of my brothers just retired a year ago after 26 yrs in, and my other brother is currently active duty in his 25th year in.  All 3 are completely financially responsible.  That's why I didn't want to say it's all military men.


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tekzone
Posts: 4
Registered: ‎09-12-2011
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable
[ Edited ]

Yeah - no kidding.  My wife wants to take out student loans to start a career in medical billing and coding, but I'm not sure this career will yeild a good ROI. 


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haulingthescoreup
Posts: 28,115
Registered: ‎04-01-2007
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable
[ Edited ]

tekzone wrote:

Yeah - no kidding.  My wife wants to take out student loans to start a career in medical billing and coding, but I'm not sure this career will yeild a good ROI. 


Hey, just my perspective: I am a medical coder, no billing. I have a two-year degree from a community college in Health Information Technology, in a program that is accredited by AHIMA. (IMO, that part is important.) It was from a state-supported school, not a for-profit school. (IMO, that was also important, probably way more important than the first. I am VERY skeptical about most for-profit schools.) Most graduates from "medical coding/ billing" programs go to work for doctors' practices, and the pay is much lower than that earned by graduates of two-year AHIMA-accredited programs. Yes, there are absolutely exceptions, but they are exceptions. If she can't find an AHIMA-related school, she should at a minimum find a local chapter of AAPC and get plugged into their exam-prep groups.

 

I'm currently making $40K+ base pay, and way more than that adjusted for locality pay, working for the VA. If you are doing hospital coding, it's an incredibly complex field, requiring knowledge of anatomy and physiology, pathophysiology, pharmacy, current medical and surgical procedures, and a ton of legal stuff dealing with all this. (Outpatient coding can be equally complex, although in different ways.) If you get the right training, the type that's tough to get sometimes, AND you can get placed into a hospital job for entry-level pay, you can do very well. My $40K+ plus locality will jump up to the mid-fifties plus locality pay next year (winding up around $68K total), because I deal with compliance, so I'm up to my eyeballs in a lot of legal and financial detail stuff. For those who go on beyond my level, running hospital health information/ medical records departments, for instance, the salary range can go to $100K and beyond. But again, we're talking about (sorry!) real degrees from real schools to get that kind of money, generally bachelors degrees and masters.

 

All that being said, I would be cautious of local for-profit schools with one-year programs in "medical coding and billing." IMO, that's just not enough classroom time for understanding what you're reading in the medical record and turning into coding that will stand up in a courtroom when necessary. Also, it's really important to get real-world (not just what the recruiter tells you) feedback on the program's success rate in job placement. This particular field is as bad if not worse than any in needing to get experience so that you can get experience. In other words, it's really, really tough to get that first job, because you have to be so accurate that many employers don't want to take on the risk of hiring a new graduate.

 

But if your wife can find the right school and the right hiring environment, it can be a wonderful field.

 

Please tell her that if she's interested, she can pm me (click the envelope above on the right) if she wants to chat about her options.

* Credit is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master. * Who's the boss --you or your credit?
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jetsfan2012
Posts: 208
Registered: ‎05-28-2012
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Having gone through relationships where financially myself and the ex were on different pages, I realize how important it is to have those type of convos early on. I know of many ppl that have been in the same situation as the OP, and I know as tough as it is to make it on your own, having someone else take you off your financial goals is a deal breaker.

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cdevidal
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎08-04-2012
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable
[ Edited ]

CreditCrusader, what did you end up doing? Please bring us up to date.

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Justine_Alpha
Posts: 22
Registered: ‎01-13-2013
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable
Give her a spanking. Behaving like a teen with a cc...
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aj1901
Posts: 117
Registered: ‎07-25-2013
Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

you gotta lay down the law...all there is to it. cant stand for any of that. she sounds very childish with money, but yet wants to act like an adult by having a family and kids. as your wife she should care enough to listen to your requests / point of view and take them seriously.