Re: Financial Follies that Break the Relationsh
03-15-2012 09:56 PM
I never thought that financial issues could really create an end to a relationship but I was recently proved wrong! I got married 3 years ago and quickly learned that my wife came with alot of debt and credit issues. I couldn't really judge because while I had less debt, my credit was pretty miserable ( about 7k in student loans and 5k in delinquent ignored charge offs with a credit score around 450.) Shortly after we got married, I realized I needed to grow up and manage my finances. I quickly paid off all delinquent debt and brought my credit scores to a 610 within 6 months of it. I got my first credit cards in years (Amex Zync, Navy Fed Cash Back 7.5k, and Military Star 2.5k.) I now have credit scores around 660 (not great but on my way) and no real debt other than student loans which i have been on time on for over 2 years now. Througout this time I was talking to my wife about what we could do to repair her credit and get her out of debt. I am not the ideal saver but I work at it. She, on the other hand, was constantly asking for money because she would run out before her next pay day (we made roughly the same income totaling 75k) and I simply caved. She consistantly made poor financial decisions even when she said she understood what I was trying to teach her and planned to change and take care of things. She never did. I enabled this behavior because I was financially stable enough to provide vacations and cars and other luxuries that she could not contribute to. In the end, I found out 4 weeks ago she was having an affair. I am in Afghanistan and can't even file for divorce yet. She said she had become unhappy in our marriage because I put such a pressure on her in the financial realm (realistically I offered to even take over fixing her credit and all finances.) She said she felt like she was not an equal and I didn't treat her as one when it came to that stuff. Needless to say, it has lead to us getting divorced and I never thought me trying to fix everything would. C'est la vie! In short, simply being the one who is willing and able to handle finances can cause a relationship to fail when the other can not do the same.
Crap, I'm so sorry; this is the last thing you need to find out about when you're deployed, especially in a hellhole like Afghanistan.
You chose to grow up; she chose to remain childish, and manipulative, and (sorry) a con artist.
A successful relationship needs both parties to be on pretty much the same level of maturity. Sure, one person will be better at some things, and the other will be better at others. But they should be able to set common goals, and common plans, and work together to get where they want to be, and each one hold himself/ herself responsible in the process.
If you have any joint credit with her, close it now. Don't worry about possible consequences of closing; keeping the accounts open is far more dangerous. You don't owe her anything. She had the chance to change and grow along with you, and she decided not to, and even more, she betrayed you. You've done all you should do for her and more, and you now need to take care of yourself.
Mark it off to one of those painful lessons that we all have to eventually endure, and move on.
In the meantime, thanks for being there for the rest of us, and stay safe, and come home and start a new life with everything that you have so painfully learned.
FICO's: EQ 781 - TU 793 - EX 779 (from PSECU) - Done credit hunting; having fun with credit gardening. - EQ 590 on 5/14/2007