Senior Contributor
Posts: 3,889
Registered: ‎05-24-2011
Re: Child Support Woes

LilMirth wrote:

Booner72 wrote:

IOBA wrote:

My suggestions would be 


* file the grievance with CS

* file a complaint with the BBB - CS has an obligation to provide proof that they have the right to collect.

* go to court and change the court order.   No one has provided proof of actively attending school.   And you want a limit on how long this game of going to school can be played/paid.  Suggest a limit of 8 semesters total?

Yes, I will do the grievance.  Not sure what I would BBB about though.  The same as the grievance?  The law in OR says that she can get "child" support until age 21, there is no negotiating how many semesters, etc.  It USED to be when this first started, that the "child" couldn't  turn it off and on - they went or they didn't.  Things changed, though.  Even if it does go into suspension. if she sends in the proof, they restart it.  So we're basically screwed until next December.


Regarding her moving in, that is never going to happen.  EVER.  My husband made that very clear to her when she first started this that he doesn't approve of it, she should have talked to him first, he would have helped her w/ college w/o the state being involved, and if she proceeded to continue it would be a cold day in hell before he would dole out any help to her again.  It is our opinion that she chose money over family, and for only 300 bucks!



Maybe I shoulda put this post in the "relationships and money" section.  This is certainly a topic for that section!

Hi Booner!


Are you doubting that your step-daughter is in college? Given that this is "child support" and not the voluntary "parental merit scholarship", why are you attempting to see her grades, and obtain information from her school? Don't get me wrong, I understand that she should still be in college to be eligible for *child support*, but what's led you to believe that she ISN'T? And, presuming that she is still in school, isn't it just as possible that she runs into the same "run-around" that you get when you deal with the child support people? And, if/when she provides the proof to the CS verification people... then what?   Thank you for your words and thoughts. 


I have no single idea if she is still in college or not.  None of us do.  her mom literally stole her away in the middle of the night when she was in the 3rd grade taking her across the country.  We saw her regularly until some time ago we bought the ticket and then she decided she didn't want to come, to spend the summer w/ her friends.  So we were out the ticket and the visit, and of course her mom just laughed about it.  We SHOULD have gotten a visitation agreement years ago, but didn't. 


She's not getting any runaround.  All she has to do is fax in a few forms and they will reinstate it for her.  Like I said originally, the bend over backwards for the kids in this system.


Here's what troubles me... On the one hand, it's yours and your DH's opinion that she chose money over family. On the other hand, isn't that what you're doing to by saying that her pursuit of child support (which she must have been deemed entitled to, and you even mentioned that DH owed back child support) would preclude you from ever "helping" her again? Does the money, doled out now, mean more than a natural parent/child relationship?   Bc of the longstanding hellish fights w/ her mother over the years, I've backed out of  any relationship with both of them, though she blames me that her dad isn't speaking to her at the moment.  i know it sounds HORRIBLE, but he's been screwed so many times by his ex (And now he sees that his daughter is screwing him).  I have let them both know a million times that if they want a relationship, FINE.  If he wants to go there or her to come here FINE.  He has his very own phone and it's not like she has to go to me to talk to him (Which is how she sees it ).   As I said, he wanted to help her through college.  He would have sent her 300 or more a month.  But bc she went behind his back, so to speak, and forced it, he's pissed.  Are we really the only ones who see it this way? 


The back child support is from the inititial order - when the mom got the order, she of course lied and was able to get it backdated for 3 years at almost 500 a month.  DH was young and dumb and didn't fight that and now it's too late.  He lived with them during that time.  He put his ex through dental assistant school.  He and his family took care of that child.  He has NEVER MISSED A PAYMENT since I have been w/ him over 12 years.  I will also add that 1/2 the arrears (2K) goes to the state for her mom being on welfare.


I can tell you one thing.  I would never have done that to my dad.  EVER.  I moved out the day I graduated HS and the only help my dad has given is what he has chosen to do on his own terms.



A 20 year old is, without a doubt, legally an adult. But, you'd be hard-pressed to find one who is (especially in this day and age, and especially if they're enrolled in the exceedingly expensive post-secondary educational rat race) completely, financially independent. I don't hold anyone else to my standards of when a child is expected to be out of the proverbial nest, and off the literal payroll (in very general terms, I consider that time to be sometime after 21 years of age, and very probably upwards 24 with the rising cost of a college education, and specialization). My point (I really do have one, LOL) is that, the issue of child support, whether it stays in your pocket, is freely given, or forcibly extracted should never, ever... EVER come between a parent and their child (minors or young adults). Speaking from a maternal POV, I'd find it very disturbing if my DH held a grudge against our child(ren) over financially supporting them when it is still common, reasonable, and acceptable for a parent to support their child. I just hope, for all of your sakes, that this doesn't taint what your DH & his daughter should have together. That'd be a loss that you'd be hard-pressed to quantify-- a tragedy really, that can't be measured in dollars & cents.  yes, I realize it is a tragedy.  But there have been many many tragedies in this entire situation, so one more really isn't going to make that much difference.  We had such great family times when she was younger, I love her, I really do.  I'm just so resentful - in my mind (And DH) she has turned into her mother - it's all about money.  We just want "out" of this situation where our hands are tied and they get to have power over us.    She can't just ignore us, not visit, not call, never send pictures, NOTHING, but expect money, (well I guess she can).....and expect that to be okay with us.


BTW - We became guardians of my half brother when he was 3 - my mom couldn't take care of him for a multitude of reasons.  It's been 10 years now.  Never got a dime of child support from my mom (nothing to get) and his biological dad is some loser on SSI   (Not SSD where the child gets benefits, too).    The only thing we get is the state health plan, but he's on my health insurance so that really doesn't do us much good, 5 bucks here and there for copayments.


My point being:  We are not heartless and cruel children haters.  DH loves him as if he were his own son, never has made one single comment ever about how taking him in has affected us, doesn't resent the expenses, time, anything.  It was the right thing to do at the time and we did it.  We did it to save his life and out of love.



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