topic Re: nfcu and relationship in despair in Relationships and Money

nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jun 2015 22:40:28 GMT

I have been married for five years and my husband has had better credit than me. I hid the fact that I had $25,000 in credit card debt from him. Last year we joined nfcu to buy our first home. When we joined nfcu we opened a checking account together, I used the account all the time. Since he was the primary he got pre- approvals all the time. So I set up a overdraft line of credit which I used all the time. I ran up the line of credit and to avoid him finding out, I set up a po box and had all the mail sent there. Fast forward to now in another attempt to consolidate my debt I applied under him for a personal consolidation loan with nfcu and Their security department got involved. They approved the loan but restricted our account due to the application, I think they thought it was fraudulent. They insisted that my husband come to the branch and verify his identity. So I had to tell him everything. I need advice on how to regain his trust again and whether we can make it after this. He said that he won't leave because of this but he doesn't trust me. We have two kids and I feel horrible. Plus nfcu has restricted our accounts because they are investigating something.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

SisterGirl — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 03:45:25 GMT

Best wishes to you both ! The Security dept is PRETTY serious stuff.....let us know how it works out.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Creditwiser — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 04:01:33 GMT

WOW. If he simply complies with the Security dept and you two move on, then no harm done with NFCU. The only advice I can give you on the trust is to be upfront and talk about it. Don't assume its okay if he decides to let it go and not bring it up. It will always be there between you two and if you talk about it from time to time, it will let him know that you were seriously and genuinely sorry. The time will then come when you can both let it be and totally move on from it. Best of luck to you guys.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

tacpoly — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 04:06:23 GMT

I was just wondering what you were thinking of doing if you hadn't been caught. Would you have told him?

If I were your husband, I wouldn't trust you with any money in the foreseeable future - at least until you've demonstrated that you have become financially responsible. That means you should stick to cash and a budget from now on. Do you work? By that I mean do/can you generate income so that you can eventually pay off all the debt you've incured by yourself - that would go a long way into building trust.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 10:57:38 GMT

I do work, and I have been working on rebuilding my credit so I can get a loan to refinance the debt. I made a bad decision. I was planning on telling him I even tried to tell him, but I got cold feet. I do agree that I should be probably sort this out on my own. The sad part is I am in the banking industry but I really didn't know about credit until I joined the forum. I make about 92,000 a year.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2015 10:59:46 GMT

What is the best way to go about paying of $25,000 of credit card debt and 23,000 of student loans?

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

tacpoly — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 01:23:34 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I do work, and I have been working on rebuilding my credit so I can get a loan to refinance the debt. I made a bad decision. I was planning on telling him I even tried to tell him, but I got cold feet. I do agree that I should be probably sort this out on my own. The sad part is I am in the banking industry but I really didn't know about credit until I joined the forum. I make about 92,000 a year.

If you can pay $1000 off the principal per month you can clear your debt in a little over 2 years. It would mean being disciplined with your spending - that means not putting any more charges on your credit cards. Put your cc somewhere you can't get access to it. You can place transaction alerts with your banks and cc's (I have mine set up to send me a text or email for any transaction over $1)...maybe if you put your husband's email on them, it will make you more disciplined and less likely to charge or overdraw your accounts.

And perhaps seek counseling. Whatever the issue that caused you to rack up the cc debt, you were close to committing a crime to cover up your debt -- that's pretty serious.

Edit: It is possible to get past this, but it will require a lot of work on your part (and your husband's). I suggest starting to save a little bit regularly. Seeing your savings grow can be pretty addicting - even better than spending (at least to me )

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Revelate — Mon, 15 Jun 2015 04:07:22 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
What is the best way to go about paying of $25,000 of credit card debt and 23,000 of student loans?

What is your credit like? You may have some decent options, wouldn't hurt to go through Lending Club's pre-qual to see if you can qualify for a credit card consolidation loan; however, this isn't a license to continue spending on the cards... but it is a way of getting cleaner quicker.

You have good income so the debt won't break you, but might be able to strategize a bit and reduce the time period of the pain.

+1 to tacpoly's comments beyond that.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Jun 2015 00:16:25 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I have been married for five years and my husband has had better credit than me. I hid the fact that I had $25,000 in credit card debt from him. Last year we joined nfcu to buy our first home. When we joined nfcu we opened a checking account together, I used the account all the time. Since he was the primary he got pre- approvals all the time. So I set up a overdraft line of credit which I used all the time. I ran up the line of credit and to avoid him finding out, I set up a po box and had all the mail sent there. Fast forward to now in another attempt to consolidate my debt I applied under him for a personal consolidation loan with nfcu and Their security department got involved. They approved the loan but restricted our account due to the application, I think they thought it was fraudulent. They insisted that my husband come to the branch and verify his identity. So I had to tell him everything. I need advice on how to regain his trust again and whether we can make it after this. He said that he won't leave because of this but he doesn't trust me. We have two kids and I feel horrible. Plus nfcu has restricted our accounts because they are investigating something.

Not good... Be honest with him from now on. How does your credit profile look like? If you profile is strong, try to get the debt consolidated under just your name without involving him and demonstrate to him you have repented from your sins.

Also, what else is NFCU investigating if you don't mind me asking?

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 01:02:27 GMT

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 09:31:31 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I have been married for five years and my husband has had better credit than me. I hid the fact that I had $25,000 in credit card debt from him. Last year we joined nfcu to buy our first home. When we joined nfcu we opened a checking account together, I used the account all the time. Since he was the primary he got pre- approvals all the time. So I set up a overdraft line of credit which I used all the time. I ran up the line of credit and to avoid him finding out, I set up a po box and had all the mail sent there. Fast forward to now in another attempt to consolidate my debt I applied under him for a personal consolidation loan with nfcu and Their security department got involved. They approved the loan but restricted our account due to the application, I think they thought it was fraudulent. They insisted that my husband come to the branch and verify his identity. So I had to tell him everything. I need advice on how to regain his trust again and whether we can make it after this. He said that he won't leave because of this but he doesn't trust me. We have two kids and I feel horrible. Plus nfcu has restricted our accounts because they are investigating something.

I say this gently, but I agree with him; I wouldn't trust you either because you have (1) proven you are untrustworthy and (2) it appears from your post that you have some kind of spending problem - as in a pattern of overspending and then lying about it.

The only way to truly regain trust is to truly become trustworthy. Showing a pattern of honesty and openess in your actions over time (probably a long time) should slowly regain his trust. I also think you might need to examine your need to overspend, which is a totally different issue. If you don't get that under control you're going to wind up right back where are you now, again.

I hope it all works out for you guys and I wish you the best.

Marlena

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Fri, 19 Jun 2015 15:48:19 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I have been married for five years and my husband has had better credit than me. I hid the fact that I had $25,000 in credit card debt from him. Last year we joined nfcu to buy our first home. When we joined nfcu we opened a checking account together, I used the account all the time. Since he was the primary he got pre- approvals all the time. So I set up a overdraft line of credit which I used all the time. I ran up the line of credit and to avoid him finding out, I set up a po box and had all the mail sent there. Fast forward to now in another attempt to consolidate my debt I applied under him for a personal consolidation loan with nfcu and Their security department got involved. They approved the loan but restricted our account due to the application, I think they thought it was fraudulent. They insisted that my husband come to the branch and verify his identity. So I had to tell him everything. I need advice on how to regain his trust again and whether we can make it after this. He said that he won't leave because of this but he doesn't trust me. We have two kids and I feel horrible. Plus nfcu has restricted our accounts because they are investigating something.

So you are comitting fraud with the bank? That is pretty serious stuff.

I think you need to attend some sort of debt counciling. I could live with someone hiding debts from me as being ashamed, but if they went and applied for more loans under me to hide thier debt problem i would be furious.

It will be a long road to earn back trust.

Dont hide anything anymore you need to copletely honest with your SO

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Existentialist — Sat, 20 Jun 2015 01:13:25 GMT

Oh my. Ohhh what a tangled web we weave.... (smh). My advice to U is simple...

DO BETTER. BE BETTER.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

OrangeTree — Thu, 25 Jun 2015 01:26:09 GMT

If you are not being forthright with your husband about money & debt, odds are you are not being forthright with him about other things as well. You know it, and other problems you haven't referenced in this thread exist as well with your husband & marriage. From what you have posted here it seems you have a really decent man who loves & trusts you, and you still have some level of "credit" there. The only way to exit this nightmare is to come clean with your guy and allow him the opportunity to help the both of you recover. Give your husband the chance to forgive you vs. forcing him into a discovery situation he cannot deal with. Odds are he will be impressed & motivated by your humble honesty and the both of you will recover more than just your credit & debt situation; your relationship and family life will improve more than you could ever imagine.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Jul 2015 08:05:48 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I have been married for five years and my husband has had better credit than me. I hid the fact that I had $25,000 in credit card debt from him. Last year we joined nfcu to buy our first home. When we joined nfcu we opened a checking account together, I used the account all the time. Since he was the primary he got pre- approvals all the time. So I set up a overdraft line of credit which I used all the time. I ran up the line of credit and to avoid him finding out, I set up a po box and had all the mail sent there. Fast forward to now in another attempt to consolidate my debt I applied under him for a personal consolidation loan with nfcu and Their security department got involved. They approved the loan but restricted our account due to the application, I think they thought it was fraudulent. They insisted that my husband come to the branch and verify his identity. So I had to tell him everything. I need advice on how to regain his trust again and whether we can make it after this. He said that he won't leave because of this but he doesn't trust me. We have two kids and I feel horrible. Plus nfcu has restricted our accounts because they are investigating something.

"I applied under his name to consolidate my debt."

Read it to yourself 10 times, now put yourself in his shoes, turn the tables and realize it's your credit score on the line how that make you feel? Even worse that you used his private info without his knowledge better yet consent, just because he married you doesn't mean you have to ruin his credit score as well! Unbelievable...

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

savingmoney87 — Mon, 27 Jul 2015 19:13:47 GMT

I'll be frank money and credit is on akin to cheating in my book. I think i'd rather someone cheat on me then mess with my money or credit! However, everyone is different. Only you can evaluate the strength in your relationship and determine if you can recover from this situation. While I don't know your husband or the depth this impacted him, I would recommend that it's time you grabbed all those statements, etc. and take a hard look at it. Share it with your husband, discuss some strategies. Depending on what situation fits you best.

1. Evaluate your debts. (pull your credit report, statements, etc. )

2. Use the snowball method to pay off those debts with your discretionary income.

3. Keep your husband informed each step of the way.

4. DO NOT CHARGE A SINGLE DOLLAR UNTIL EVERYTHING IS PAID OFF or you regain a sense of what DEBT in comparison to income.

or, which would probably be the I'd handle the situation.

1. I'd probably take full control over my spouse financial spending and act as a Trustee in a CH13. (I know the feeling).

2. I'd set up a credit monitoring service which enabled me to monitor if new debt is being aquired.

3. I'd set up a discretionary income for your everyday spending.

4. I'd pay off all that debt.

5. I'd probably sit you down every chance I got to show you what I am doing.

6. Over time, I'd probably start giving back certain responsibilities over but that would require you don't relapse.

Each way has pros and cons but really in the end it's about whats best for you and which way will earn his trust.

You also asked what's the best way to get out of debt and pay off student loans. I would recommend read some of David Ramsey's books. A lot of people have seen great success with his programs. I also like using mint as a budgeting tool, and the best part it shows all my debt and assets in one place. It's a huge wake up call and reminds me that XXX amount I have in the bank is not for that nice Purse. Ultimately, you really have to get to root cause of your spending patterns and work on fixing that. I wish you the best of luck.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Jul 2015 23:16:25 GMT

I wish you the best of luck, and just want to give you a heads up that it might take years to get trust back. If you are looking for a quick fix you might make things worse, and not to sound mean, but you've got to be as perfect as you can at first, little things that might be shrugged off in a normal relationship won't be let go of for you.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

800ficogirl — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 22:16:15 GMT

oh dear thats a tuffy,.. the only thing you can do is tell him how sorry you are and that it will never happen again,.. tell him how you will include him in all major decsions from now own, and will never use his credit again without his permission,. earn more money to pay down your debt and the debt you forced on him. once he see you take resposiblilty eventually you will earn his trust again. just dont mess up,.remember to thank him for being understanding and not making you feel even more terrible. we are all human,.. we make mistakes.. some big some small.. you will get past this. together.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Aug 2015 11:54:14 GMT

Do you have 401k savings? You can take a loan against it pay off all your debt and the interest to yourself. Rule number 2, is ask you husband to take control of the finances give him your check, and ask him to give you a weekly stipend at least for a couple years if you are ok with it, and it will show a big effort on your part to change.

Re: nfcu and relationship in despair

stellar — Sun, 09 Aug 2015 19:18:02 GMT

Here are some ideas for getting out of debt sooner. I won't get judgy about your choices because we have all lied and we have all made mistakes.

Work a side job to increase your income

Ask for a raise if you are due for one

Try to get APRs lowered on your credit cards

Try to get a consolidation loan with a lower interest rate

Sell what you can to generate money to pay off the debt

Cut all extraneous spending

Use coupons

Use cash back sites

Shop at cheaper retailers and grocery stores

Learn to cook inexpensive healthy meals: rice, beans, vegetables, pasta

Hope that helps