topic Re: hello fellow friends in Relationships and Money

hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Aug 2015 23:36:20 GMT

My girlfriend of five years moved in with me a year ago, i have always paid my bills, mortgage, and any other payments on my own due to enjoying being independent and because i like to make sure everything is on time and that i see where my money goes. However, for some reason i feel as if it is important to share your finances with your spouse and id like to practice this before engagement to see if it works well because it is important to me to be responsible with money. I have a fear of late payments and such, and someone having access to my money without me knowing where it is going and she is fine with me doing so but upsets her that i wont let her help. Recently, the past month or two ive been obsessing over my credit and im hooked on the forums i gain so much knowledge from you guys its crazy. It made her wonder about her own, so i signed her up for a few credit reporting apps that i use and unfortunately shes about a 520 due to 1 unpaid medical bill of 2000 dollars. however her car is financed through edwards so we opened her a bank account there and i have tried to get her a few credit cards. however shes been denied for even a secured card. So today i added her as an authorized user on my capital on card, and plan to do the same with her on one of my american express cards so evetually she can get her foot in the door with her own credit card. im assuming an authorized user gets credit for my aaoa and payments made on time.

I also wanted to know, if anyone has had a similar situation how do you go about merging finanaces with someone else? i had this house and all the bills before her so its not like we went into this together activating the electricity and all bills together she knows i spend alot but im not quite sure what the least painful way for me is to let her "help"

Re: hello fellow friends

IncrsCreditScore1 — Mon, 10 Aug 2015 23:46:58 GMT

I do not recommend merging finances. Each of you keep your own earned money in your own bank account. What you can agree on IMO is who who will pay for what and when. Rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Every month, every other month, etc. It appears this person has a problem being responsible with money. Remove her as an authorized user from your cards - you don't want her ruining your credit ratings. Just my 2 cents thoughts and experience.

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 03:57:20 GMT

Woah...having one medical collection does not mean she's hopeless and should be written of as irresponsible. If she's taking steps to learn and correct her errors then good for her! Some take longer become aware of how one lapse in payment can effect things.

If you really see yourself with her and want to figure out a long term solution that you both are comfortable with I would suggest starting with one account that you manage together. Both deposit money for basic household expenses and pay those expense together. Literally together...both sit down at computer, with checkbook, etc...together. individual expenses are handled independently. After some time, you can start adding as comfort allows. This helps you to relax your grip as well as be assured she's on the right track. You need to learn to trust just as she needs to learn to manage.

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 04:02:03 GMT

Thank you, that's more a more reasonable. She is not irresponsible with money at all. She acts holds onto it better than I do. She just didn't have an option to get her own credit card because of that medical bill. So I added her to mine hoping that will get her started.

Re: hello fellow friends

Pway — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 04:02:41 GMT

I do not recommend merging finances. I have a horror story that I learned from many years ago. Help her out as much as posisble with her credit. Keep all monies seperate and tell her what her half of the bills are. Keep it simple.

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 04:15:09 GMT

There are horror stories on both sides of the situation. They need to find out what works for them. Many couples feel merging finances are part of a relationship, especially once married. Why would the OP "tell her what her bills are"...that should be a mutual decision, not dictated.

Is there risk? Yes. But there's also a huge reward by working together and establishing healthy communication about finances early.

Re: hello fellow friends

Pway — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 04:26:36 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
There are horror stories on both sides of the situation. They need to find out what works for them. Many couples feel merging finances are part of a relationship, especially once married. Why would the OP "tell her what her bills are"...that should be a mutual decision, not dictated.

Is there risk? Yes. But there's also a huge reward by working together and establishing healthy communication about finances early.

Yes I agree that there are many risks. However, once you move in together I feel that there should be talk around each other bills and sort. We have read a story on here where this guy and his girl friend broke up because of finances. Not managing well. He allowed her to go rent free and after that time was up she still could not afford the rental agreement between the two. Precautions must be taken. I am a firm believer that once you move in with someone everything needs to be out and open. There should be no secrets especially around credit and money.

Re: hello fellow friends

Revelate — Tue, 11 Aug 2015 20:19:30 GMT

@Pway wrote:
@Anonymous wrote:
There are horror stories on both sides of the situation. They need to find out what works for them. Many couples feel merging finances are part of a relationship, especially once married. Why would the OP "tell her what her bills are"...that should be a mutual decision, not dictated.

Is there risk? Yes. But there's also a huge reward by working together and establishing healthy communication about finances early.
Yes I agree that there are many risks. However, once you move in together I feel that there should be talk around each other bills and sort. We have read a story on here where this guy and his girl friend broke up because of finances. Not managing well. He allowed her to go rent free and after that time was up she still could not afford the rental agreement between the two. Precautions must be taken. I am a firm believer that once you move in with someone everything needs to be out and open. There should be no secrets especially around credit and money.

There's a big difference between a shared account that is used to pay all the bills, and comingling one's finances and credit.

There's very good reasons even if things go EXCEPTIONALLY well to keep one's credit report utterly seperate; namely, if the family's finances hit the skids, can declare a BK on one and not the other and still have access to credit without absurd interest rates for necessities while the BKer rebuilds.

That said, I'm a firm believer in full disclosure, and if my theoretical spouse wants less, that's fine I can give summaries... I'll show you mine if you show me yours has a rather different context now than it did when I was a kid in school, but these days one could make the argument it's far more important to a successful relationship.

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2015 02:42:17 GMT

Rev, that's an amazing example of real life credit scenarios. My work friend moved to Seattle with her home back in Missouri completly under water. They couldn't sell, they couldn't rent. Her husband made more money so she was seriously considering declaring bk while he maintained his good credit. It didn't happen as they found a renter in time. But it was the only thing she could do.

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Aug 2015 03:06:24 GMT

I feel as if you all have slight horror stories. But the scenario is, I am the account holder I have the credit and the income for anything we desire. I'm 24 I can't expect someone of her age to be to the same as far as finances seeing as how no one in her past has cared about it. She got her job when she met me, I sold her the car she drives, she is very eager to understand the importance of it like I do. & seeing as how she lives here bk's and all of that nonsense is not an option because I can control the outcome of my finances and future. I understand a lot of people should be worried but as quick as I added her I can also block her off if for some magical reason she decided to be economically insecure. That's when she would be removed as an unauthorized user

Re: hello fellow friends

tacpoly — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 11:34:37 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I feel as if you all have slight horror stories. But the scenario is, I am the account holder I have the credit and the income for anything we desire. I'm 24 I can't expect someone of her age to be to the same as far as finances seeing as how no one in her past has cared about it. She got her job when she met me, I sold her the car she drives, she is very eager to understand the importance of it like I do. & seeing as how she lives here bk's and all of that nonsense is not an option because I can control the outcome of my finances and future. I understand a lot of people should be worried but as quick as I added her I can also block her off if for some magical reason she decided to be economically insecure. That's when she would be removed as an unauthorized user

It's your decision, after all, but I would not get tangled up in anyone else's credit unless they have a legal relationship with me. If people need financial help, I give them cash -- I certainly don't tie them to my credit. All that can happen with cash is I lose it, but credit issues take (a long) time to go away. You sound like you have the money. Why not give her the $2000 to pay off the medical bill and do a pay-for-delete? (You could arrange for her to pay you back in installments.) That would improve her credit significantly. This way you would not need to babysit her finances.

On the flip side, I certainly wouldn't want to be completely beholden to anyone. It feels wrong that a person can pull the rug out at any moment. (There's another thread here of a guy who gave his girlfriend his credit card and then on a whim wanted his card back.) It seems like your girlfriend is dependent on you for housing, did you get her her job as well? And now you're resuscitating her credit -- that's a lot of control over someone. You might be the nicest guy in the world, but....

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Aug 2015 15:16:28 GMT

Nicest girl in the world. I tried the pay for delete but apparently they don't do "pay for deletes". Besides the chances of her using up the credit card(which she won't seeing as how she knows how serious I am about my credit and she hasn't even taken the card out of the envelope), nothing on her credit can effect me just cause she is an AU on one card for a couple months right?
I didn't get her her job she got it herself. Things that aren't worked for aren't kept.

Re: hello fellow friends

Callandra — Sat, 15 Aug 2015 03:56:33 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
Nicest girl in the world. I tried the pay for delete but apparently they don't do "pay for deletes". Besides the chances of her using up the credit card(which she won't seeing as how she knows how serious I am about my credit and she hasn't even taken the card out of the envelope), nothing on her credit can effect me just cause she is an AU on one card for a couple months right?
I didn't get her her job she got it herself. Things that aren't worked for aren't kept.

If they won't do a pay for delete, pay it anyway and google the HIPAA removal method for that medical collection (we can't discuss the HIPAA method here though).

The only effect of her being an AU would be her running up the card and you having to pay it back. But it seems like you trust her so maybe that's not an issue.

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Aug 2015 04:50:51 GMT

Never heard of that but I'll look into it thank you. Might be of help for more people than just her

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Sep 2015 00:00:27 GMT

Ever live with a roommate? Think of it this way, except this roommate is hot and you wanna do things to them.

List all household bills. List each other's budget. Come to a compromise on who pays what and when.

Nice to to offer the AU option. I'm a tough love person and my Sig O may have an Amex Black, but Odin damn them all, I want my own. He's supportive of my rebuild and I refuse to AU. Think what you may.

Re: hello fellow friends

jotucker99 — Tue, 08 Sep 2015 22:41:01 GMT

Why in the world would anyone MERGE finances with someone they aren't married to? That's a very bad idea, never do that OP.

Re: hello fellow friends

CreekNative — Tue, 08 Sep 2015 22:54:02 GMT

Her credit will buold in time; for now, keep all finances separate. I was far under water due a huge hospital bill. Over time, I had a secured credit card to start with credit cards again; a year later, the card became unsecured. I obtained more cards. Now, I am a homeowner, and I recently was approved for a car loan. Start her with a secured card, and work from there.

Re: hello fellow friends

1-IS-ENOUGH — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 00:07:15 GMT

Love and Optimism can make us do crazy things. I strongly suggest that you rescind on one of the credit cards you offered your girlfriend and allocate only (1) credit card to her as an authorize user. That way she is bound to exercise financial restraint. You must see the evidence that your girlfriend has the ability to purchase wisely and few. You must see the evidence that she has consitently paid all purchases on time and in fulll; not just the minimum requirement, that's a no-no.. I truly think you have over-extended yourself to someone who has historically proven that she is not savvy with money and credit. Be WISE and look at this situation logically. You can live with her and love her without potentially ruining your own credit. Go slow and go lightly. All the best ~ Young Grandma Who Knows Better

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 01:00:21 GMT

Update~ to all my caring fico fam.

-we broke up
-she maxed out my card
-it is literally the end of the world

Just kidden,
However this really is an update, I added my gf as an authorized user on my capital one account which is 5 years old. I understand what you guys suggested and your opinions however me and all of you are coming from two different points I'm not blind in love and so forth I tend not to extend to much of my efforts financially & I have pride problems which is why I don't allow spouses to help with my finances because I fear the day someone says why are u leaving me I helped you?!? Nope, can't do it. I'll get there tho. Anyways, so I gave her the card, not knowing what to do with it and paranoid to use "my money" I forced her to put gas in her car once. She used it that time only since my post it was like pulling teeth to tell her to buy a soda or lunch. Anyways of course as it posted to her credit her score went up. In the 600's to be fako exact it went up 140 points fico 620 so I helped her apply for a capital one quicksilver ( where I started) that is currently in the mail to her. Before I could even speak for myself, her card was put into my wallet without my knowledge and she chooses to wait on her own. With her 300sl 😊 id probably be prouder if I didn't add her as an AU but I am proud that she has a start.

Good story?

Re: hello fellow friends

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Sep 2015 04:30:17 GMT

The word "Girl Friend" really mean she's a friend. You only merge finances if you're married, not friend. If you really want to help her, you can add her as a authorized user, but shred the card as it arrived aka "piggy back ride" with your good/great credit. But never ever let her ruin your credit because it will take years to fix one mistake. About finance and bills, I think I seen enough answers already so i'm not going to cover that.