topic Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable in Relationships and Money

My wife is making my financial life miserable

CreditCrusader — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:52:37 GMT

Please allow me to preface this post by saying that I love my wife dearly. We all have flaws and hers are no worse than anyone else's...they just hit our family's finances...and HARD.

I am the bread-winner in our home per mutual decision for the past 12 years. My wife made the decision to stay home with the kids - a decision I applauded and resolved to support financially. She didn't finish high school and has no work/credit history, but she keeps a terrific home and the kids are better for having her there with them at home and engaging in activities at school. I put myself through school and am a step from a Ph.D., so my job prospects supporting a family of 5 seemed more positive.

However...

Her glaring flaw is that she is TERRIBLE with money. I have tried to bring her into the family finances because, quite frankly, working a full-time job and two part-time jobs is a difficult enough burden to bear without being responsible for deciding what needs to be paid and when. Plus, it would be good for her to understand basic household finances in case she ever had to assume the duties down the road.

My wife has repeatedly spent far more than our budget allows...run up credit cards...altered checks I have written to reflect a much larger amount (without telling me...credit union was thrilled, as you can imagine)...and simply refuses to manage money or credit in a responsible fashion. We have three children, so I am actually charged with supporting a total of 5 people without help...a task that is made more difficult by my wife's spending habits.

I have tried many things...including depositing money weekly so that she would only have a set amount to spend. She responded by trying to overdraw the account (we are opted out of OD, thank God...but CU called to notify me anyway) when she spent 90% of her weekly budget in the first day.

Now, I have been reduced to putting cash in her wallet so that she only has a day's worth of money to spend. She is hostile and resentful of this...coining the practice as "treating her like a 12 year old" or "being controlling". However, because I am feverishly trying to improve our credit so we can finally buy a house in 2012 and get our family budget in order, I feel as though I have been forced into this position so as to not bankrupt our home and once again dash our children's hope that we will own a home.

I would really like the advice of anyone who has either had to deal with an irresponsible spender or is a reformed irresponsible spender. I would also like to avoid the feminist empowerment lectures as well, if possible. This isn't an issue of control (which I would gladly sede to my wife if it didn't mean a one-way trip to the poor house) or empowerment (which mostly comes from within). It's about how I can address a glaring concern in our home relative to my inability to bring my wife on board the financial responsibility wagon.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 18:50:12 GMT

She might respond to having a prepaid card in her wallet.

If I was in this position, I would have all of the accounts in my name only. Oh, wait, that did happen.

What I did (literally) was no joint accounts, no joint cc, no joint assets.

When the working person would come to demand, or beg, for money, I refused to bail him out. Instead, I would sit down and try to help him understand where his paycheck went.

I also had to protect my ss# and my credit 24/7. He quickly figured out that since he was being turned down for more credit, he should just open stuff up under my ss# (that's how he got 1k cell phones!), or he would open up cc's and loc's as joint and forge my signature. Life was a constant battle trying to protect my identity and my credit. I left.

Big difference here - you love your wife.

1. No joint anything. No bank accounts. No cc's.

2. Consider having a prepaid cc for her to keep in her wallet. It might help her pride/ego.

3. You mentioned having kids. Sit down as a family and talk about the weekly budget in terms of food money. Include the kids and make them a part of the discussion. It might help keep your wife on track, help her learn how to manage moneys. You mentioned her being a great mom, so (in theory) she would want to teach her kids to be great money managers. This way, your wife learns and saves face at the same time.

4. Make a family goal poster for saving to buy a house.

5. Have a coin jar at home. Once a week, take the kids and your wife to the bank to deposit loose change.

The kids don't need to know all the financial details, but it wouldn't hurt to learn a little. Make it a game. Depending on their ages, maybe include the utilities in the weekly budget game.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 18:59:24 GMT

DH wasn't so much a spendthrift, as he was unaware of the big picture, when we dated.

It took a lot of time, a lot of patience, but he's now pretty good.

What I did with him...

1. Made a spreadsheet that listed all of the debt, payments, and interest. I posted it on the fridge. EVERYONE could see it. DH was shocked by how much was owed.

2. On a calendar, I wrote down the day the bills were due and approximately how much the bills were. (ie - cc $500, student loan $250, 450, 521, etc).

3. We started off with, each week, sitting down and saying "this is how much money is coming in this week, what do we need to pay?" Bills were always paid first! Whatever was left over could be used for food. Eventually moved to having a food budget.

4. Talked about what the goals were. Updated the sheet on the fridge every two weeks. Asked DH what WE should do with the leftover $5.61 from food money. He use to say things like, ice cream, or something instant gratification. Now he says, savings. No question about it.

5. I still keep financial goals posted in a public place. I keep the budget on the computer. And I update DH on thoughts, ideas, and suggestions and then we decide together. There is no doubt that I manage the money, but I try to keep him involved in the process and the understanding.

Maybe your wife needs the instant gratification? Maybe she feels she's too stupid to learn the finances, so since she's going to fail anyway, why bother? Is there someone she can talk to, one on one, about this?

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 22:24:38 GMT

I really want to be helpful but can't think of a nice way to tell CreditCrusader he's probably in deep doo doo.

A buddy of mine went through a similar situation until literally getting his wife to join the army, LOL! She's spend everything in sight, send money to relatives in Nigeria and England, collect money for lunch from people at work, pay with a the CC and then Western Union money to relatives, shop until dropping, etc... Everything he did to control spending only cause increased creativity or OD fees, credit cards, Debit cards with money budgeted for certain periods of time, and watching her like a hawk didn't matter. No matter what he had to keep forking over cash because she'd spend the food budget and leaving the kid hungry wasn't an option. His second job became making sure she didn't spend them into the poor house.

He figures the entire military paycheck is going to her lazy relatives but doesn't care.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

CreditCrusader — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 13:03:35 GMT

@IOBA wrote:

Maybe your wife needs the instant gratification? Maybe she feels she's too stupid to learn the finances, so since she's going to fail anyway, why bother? Is there someone she can talk to, one on one, about this?

I think if she spoke to her father, he'd set her straight on this subject since he has had to bail out her irresponsible sister when she spent herself bankrupt. However, I really don't know how to delicately pair them to talk on this issue without revealing that I have sought his consult on this matter (I literally knew no one else I could turn to). I think she would explode if she knew I spoke to him about her problems with money.

I really don't think this is an instant gratification issue. I think she just doesn't care about the big picture and spends in the moment without considering the overall consequences. I liken this to a gambler's addiction and the inability to understand just how much money is gone until the pocket is empty.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

CreditCrusader — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 13:07:46 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I really want to be helpful but can't think of a nice way to tell CreditCrusader he's probably in deep doo doo.

A buddy of mine went through a similar situation until literally getting his wife to join the army, LOL! She's spend everything in sight, send money to relatives in Nigeria and England, collect money for lunch from people at work, pay with a the CC and then Western Union money to relatives, shop until dropping, etc... Everything he did to control spending only cause increased creativity or OD fees, credit cards, Debit cards with money budgeted for certain periods of time, and watching her like a hawk didn't matter. No matter what he had to keep forking over cash because she'd spend the food budget and leaving the kid hungry wasn't an option. His second job became making sure she didn't spend them into the poor house.

He figures the entire military paycheck is going to her lazy relatives but doesn't care.

Believe me when I tell you, I will keep a tight grip on the finances and what you describe will NEVER happen in my home. Little mouths don't get fed if I let her spend.

This is more about how I can bring her around to being responsible with money since my marriage will suffer greatly if she continues to keep these habits and resent me for disallowing them where our family budget is concerned.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 13:46:03 GMT

@CreditCrusader wrote:
@Anonymous wrote:
I really want to be helpful but can't think of a nice way to tell CreditCrusader he's probably in deep doo doo.

A buddy of mine went through a similar situation until literally getting his wife to join the army, LOL! She's spend everything in sight, send money to relatives in Nigeria and England, collect money for lunch from people at work, pay with a the CC and then Western Union money to relatives, shop until dropping, etc... Everything he did to control spending only cause increased creativity or OD fees, credit cards, Debit cards with money budgeted for certain periods of time, and watching her like a hawk didn't matter. No matter what he had to keep forking over cash because she'd spend the food budget and leaving the kid hungry wasn't an option. His second job became making sure she didn't spend them into the poor house.

He figures the entire military paycheck is going to her lazy relatives but doesn't care.
Believe me when I tell you, I will keep a tight grip on the finances and what you describe will NEVER happen in my home. Little mouths don't get fed if I let her spend.

This is more about how I can bring her around to being responsible with money since my marriage will suffer greatly if she continues to keep these habits and resent me for disallowing them where our family budget is concerned.

You can't rescue a fish from water, CC.

I'd bluntly ask if she really wants a house. You two may have totally different financial and familial long-term goals. Worse yet, she could be one of those who 'spends in anticipation of wealth' and simply figures you'll be able to afford the lifestyle in a few years anyways so it's no big deal. "Do you want a house? Or not?" isn't an easy place to start but unless she's unable to make the connection between these spending habits and ultimate home ownership there's no point.

Personally, keeping an eye on someone's daily spending habits doesn't sound like a fun job. I'm too simple a dude for that and am not controlling by nature. Besides, there are plenty of places that will extend credit based upon household income. You could do everything right and still not manage to qualify as the mortgage may need both parties to have great credit.

It more or less reads like a disaster waiting to happen. Wish I was smart enough to write that in a way that read as helpful as my intent yet still honest. I've read, re-read it and keep thinking there has to be a better way. I just don't think anything but a job and being responsible for her own debts and financial decisions will cause growing up for anyone. You can't say "Grow the heck up! We'll never get a house if you keep spending this way!" and then keep bailing her out.

My buddy's mom has the kids... a lot! The wife is just too irresponsible with money to be trusted when he's deployed.

Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe there's some resentment over things and spending is a way to get your attention.

Sadly, you won't get a lot of responses to this thread. This sub-forum isn't very busy and it's also possible many others are in similar circumstances on either side. I've read horror stories on other sites where people got goaded, nagged, or just plain fooled themselves into into buying way much more house, car, or whatever than they hoping it would make somebody happy.

My Ex was a huge fan of the cash advances, minimum payment method, LOL! I didn't even know until the bank sent a letter explaining authorized users could not request CLIs. Apparently her ~~boy~~friend needed bail money.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 16:39:01 GMT

drkaje - you did a great job expressing your thoughts.

cc - there is no easy answer. Either she makes changes or she doesn't. Either she can make changes or she can't.

This is a generic, blanket statement that may or may not apply to your situation --- the people I know who have had spending money issues have had emotional or mental disorders. Some disorders are diagnosed, others have not been.

For example - the x I mentioned earlier - diagnosed with being Malignant Narcissistic.

For example - an old roomie not mentioned - depression, obsessive compulsive (OC).

For example - a friend - emotional issues that she was not loved, so she compensated by buying herself gifts.

For example - a friend - emotional issues from being abused, so she compensated by buying herself things because she was "entitled" to them and the world "owed" her

I am not in your home, I have not met your wife, and I have no idea what the underlying issues really are. But there is always a reason for the things we do. And finding the real reason is sometimes a painful struggle.

If her dad can set her straight, bring him onboard! Let her be angry with him, or you, or God - whatever it takes so she doesn't financially ruin your lives!

You mentioned your wife did not finish high school. That was important enough to you to mention and it's probably a factor in this situation. Maybe your wife doesn't feel like she can accomplish the basics of being financially responsible.

I am a big advocate for making the finances a family affair. I won't disclose all of the finances to the kids, but I did start educating them early on with pieces of the big picture. As young as 6 yrs old, they were part of deciding if we were going to order a pizza or cook a pizza, go out to eat or rent a movie. I would phrase it something like, "Ok, Molly suggested pizza for family night. That would cost about $20 for a pizza to be delivered to the house. That would use up all of the "family fun" money. It also means we can not rent a movie at all this month. What would you like to do?" One of my favorite ones was this - "Ok, if we go out to eat, that will cost us about $60. That is equal to about one month of cable or three nights of pizza delivery." The kids usually made good decisions. And they learned the if we did this, it affected that.

Bring her dad in. See if he can help.

Ask your wife what her financial goals are too.

And if you can/will, bring the kids on board and make it a game.

And keep us posted!

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

haulingthescoreup — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 16:57:03 GMT

CC, tell her that you think that you two need marriage counseling.

That might shock her into understanding how deeply this worries you.

Of course, you'd then need to be willing to follow through with it.

You've got my sympathies. I have to admit, I would have no clue what to do if a partner simply blew off anything I said. In any relationship, one party can be expected to occasionally do something that irritates the fire out of the other, but this is way beyond that.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 17:01:47 GMT

^ Thanks, IOBA!

I just don't want to sound mean/unhelpful. I have only seen one instance where a situation like this worked out well.

In my buddy's case, it became a game of cat and mouse. Aside from not being too insightful, she has a very useless family and was raised to believe taking care of them is a daughter's responsibility. She's probably supporting a brother (who refuses to work) and father who can't find any work that isn't beneath him. My buddy doesn't care anymore but has all finances separated so unless she forges a signature or files bankruptcy in a state where he could also be sued, there's no issue. Last time I asked, she was doing it all through paychecks and hadn't discovered credit. He's paying off her college loans, though. When they met he promised to do so and wouldn't dream of reneging.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

CreditCrusader — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 20:54:17 GMT

@IOBA wrote:
drkaje - you did a great job expressing your thoughts.

cc - there is no easy answer. Either she makes changes or she doesn't. Either she can make changes or she can't.

This is a generic, blanket statement that may or may not apply to your situation --- the people I know who have had spending money issues have had emotional or mental disorders. Some disorders are diagnosed, others have not been.

For example - the x I mentioned earlier - diagnosed with being Malignant Narcissistic.
For example - an old roomie not mentioned - depression, obsessive compulsive (OC).
For example - a friend - emotional issues that she was not loved, so she compensated by buying herself gifts.
For example - a friend - emotional issues from being abused, so she compensated by buying herself things because she was "entitled" to them and the world "owed" her

I am not in your home, I have not met your wife, and I have no idea what the underlying issues really are. But there is always a reason for the things we do. And finding the real reason is sometimes a painful struggle.

If her dad can set her straight, bring him onboard! Let her be angry with him, or you, or God - whatever it takes so she doesn't financially ruin your lives!

You mentioned your wife did not finish high school. That was important enough to you to mention and it's probably a factor in this situation. Maybe your wife doesn't feel like she can accomplish the basics of being financially responsible.

I am a big advocate for making the finances a family affair. I won't disclose all of the finances to the kids, but I did start educating them early on with pieces of the big picture. As young as 6 yrs old, they were part of deciding if we were going to order a pizza or cook a pizza, go out to eat or rent a movie. I would phrase it something like, "Ok, Molly suggested pizza for family night. That would cost about $20 for a pizza to be delivered to the house. That would use up all of the "family fun" money. It also means we can not rent a movie at all this month. What would you like to do?" One of my favorite ones was this - "Ok, if we go out to eat, that will cost us about $60. That is equal to about one month of cable or three nights of pizza delivery." The kids usually made good decisions. And they learned the if we did this, it affected that.

Bring her dad in. See if he can help.

Ask your wife what her financial goals are too.

And if you can/will, bring the kids on board and make it a game.

And keep us posted!

You seem to have some insight regarding my dilemma, so I'll toss this idea out there and see what you think:

I am convinced that my wife feels helpless regarding the finances in our house. It frustrates her that I don't earn enough to allow for the regular frivolous purchase - and she spends to compensate for that frustration.

I am of the opinion that if she earned her H.S degree (which she is one remedial-level English class from earning), got a part-time entry-level job that pays $7-8/hour or more (kids are in school full-time now) and had some pocket money in the range of $400-600/month, she would empower herself more and focus less on what I provide.

The problem is, she doesn't seem to be on-board with taking that last class even though she would attend for free (I am a faculty member of the college) and only have to attend one day a week. I am sure this is due to the fact that she has been, by choice, a stay-at-home mom for a decade now and is a little scared to enter the world of academia and business (God knows that would be a rational fear). Any advice/thoughts you might have (and that goes for everyone contributing here) would be appreciated.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 21:25:25 GMT

OK, CC!

This is the only time I've ever heard of a similar situation ending well. It only worked well because my buddy has a stomach for doing difficult things, the hard way. His wife had run up $14K or so in CC debt. Dude basically said "I'm not paying a dime", found her a midnight shift job at WalMart where she worked until the debt was paid to $0. She hated working there, being too tired to play with the baby, freedom on weekends, etc... Hiring a babysitter was not gonna really work on what he earned so midnight shift was the only option. Now she has no difficulty keeping a budget, paying stuff on time, and they're both on the same page with finances.

I don't know many dudes who would be that committed, LOL!

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 02:36:44 GMT

CC - here's another perspective... (from my DH)

She hasn't completed high school. You are nearly finished earning your PhD.

The kids are in school now, growing up, and will someday leave.

Then what does she have?? A husband who is much better educated than she is. Kids who have left home. She will be alone, without you and without the kids. Her own insecurities are playing out over the one thing she has control over -- money and how she spends it.

Oh, and the other thing DH brought up is that your wife has no consequences to over spending. You mentioned her dad bailed out her sister. You bail out your wife.

There's probably an emotional level that your wife stopped maturing from. That of a teenager. I don't know what your wife went through that caused her to drop out of high school. But whatever happened, dropping out of high school has been a major event in her life.

*******

If she has been home for more than a decade, she might be VERY intimidated about going to a college campus and taking a class. She feels much older, and probably a bit raggedy, and definitely outside of her league.

Suggestions -

1. Seperate out the finances. No joint anything!

2. Give her a prepaid cc to keep in her wallet. She will have it and she can choose to or not to use it. It will help boost her ego. Even if it has $10 on it..it's something.

3. Take your wife - just your wife - to the college campus and show her around a few times. Let her get comfortable with the campus, learn where to park, know where the buildings are, be familiar with the layout.

4. Have her dad brought into the conversation. Dad might be able to help her out. In my case, with DH, posting the debt on the fridge for everyone to see (I wouldn't take it down, even if family was over). Embarrassment can sometimes be a good tool.

5. Involving the kids with the finances - just pieces of the pie. For example, food. Say the weekly budget is $200. As a family, make a menu, figure out costs. Then have a reward if there is money left over after buying the groceries. The kids will probably help keep mom on track. Mom can save face by agreeing, when reminded, of the goal. Or she can say she's just seeing if they are paying attn. At the same time, everyone wins.

6. Counseling. Your wife may not have the maturity level, or the life skills, to manage money. As each day passes, you two are growing further apart. Your wife may feel like she's too "dumb" to help the kids with homework as they continue going through school. She may also feel embarrassed by her lack of education.

7. If the goal is a house next year -- then make a house goal poster. Have the kids help. Have your wife help. Put it up where everyone can see it. Set up a savings account (your name only) that you guys can put money into to save for a house. Update your poster every week. Even if there is no change -- document it!!

Ask away. I have experience with "partners" being financially destructive. And you can PM me anytime.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

CreditCrusader — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 12:49:48 GMT

@IOBA wrote:
CC - here's another perspective... (from my DH)

She hasn't completed high school. You are nearly finished earning your PhD.

The kids are in school now, growing up, and will someday leave.

Then what does she have?? A husband who is much better educated than she is. Kids who have left home. She will be alone, without you and without the kids. Her own insecurities are playing out over the one thing she has control over -- money and how she spends it.

Oh, and the other thing DH brought up is that your wife has no consequences to over spending. You mentioned her dad bailed out her sister. You bail out your wife.

There's probably an emotional level that your wife stopped maturing from. That of a teenager. I don't know what your wife went through that caused her to drop out of high school. But whatever happened, dropping out of high school has been a major event in her life.

*******

If she has been home for more than a decade, she might be VERY intimidated about going to a college campus and taking a class. She feels much older, and probably a bit raggedy, and definitely outside of her league.

Suggestions -

1. Seperate out the finances. No joint anything!
2. Give her a prepaid cc to keep in her wallet. She will have it and she can choose to or not to use it. It will help boost her ego. Even if it has $10 on it..it's something.
3. Take your wife - just your wife - to the college campus and show her around a few times. Let her get comfortable with the campus, learn where to park, know where the buildings are, be familiar with the layout.
4. Have her dad brought into the conversation. Dad might be able to help her out. In my case, with DH, posting the debt on the fridge for everyone to see (I wouldn't take it down, even if family was over). Embarrassment can sometimes be a good tool.
5. Involving the kids with the finances - just pieces of the pie. For example, food. Say the weekly budget is $200. As a family, make a menu, figure out costs. Then have a reward if there is money left over after buying the groceries. The kids will probably help keep mom on track. Mom can save face by agreeing, when reminded, of the goal. Or she can say she's just seeing if they are paying attn. At the same time, everyone wins.
6. Counseling. Your wife may not have the maturity level, or the life skills, to manage money. As each day passes, you two are growing further apart. Your wife may feel like she's too "dumb" to help the kids with homework as they continue going through school. She may also feel embarrassed by her lack of education.
7. If the goal is a house next year -- then make a house goal poster. Have the kids help. Have your wife help. Put it up where everyone can see it. Set up a savings account (your name only) that you guys can put money into to save for a house. Update your poster every week. Even if there is no change -- document it!!

Ask away. I have experience with "partners" being financially destructive. And you can PM me anytime.

Wow...that is some terrific stuff...and it really hits on-point regarding my situation. I love your ideas and appreciate the opportunity to PM you as well. I'm going to get started with some of these right away.

Thank you for your help!

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

kjm79 — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 20:35:33 GMT

WOW! I don't think I've ever read a thread on these forums that have ever struck a personal chord for me the way this one did.

I had/have a very similiar situation with my DH. When he was young and lived at home his mom balanced his check book and bailed him out when he was in trouble with money. After we married I handled all the finances, not by choice. He would bring home his checkstubs still in the un-opened envelope. He had no desire to know the passwords for our online banking accounts. He had/has no concept of MONEY IN vs MONEY OUT. I've done the spreadsheets, budgets, showed him in black and RED how much money comes in and how much goes out. We sat down weekly and paid bills together. Although he never voluntarily went to the checkbook to see our balances or even pay a bill himself. While he did seem "shocked" at how much MORE went out than came in, his habits never really changed. He said he cared about that "stuff" but actions showed otherwise. I ended becoming labeled as the controlling wife by his friends and even some of his family. Because he always had to ask "permission" before spending any money or even going out to lunch. We tried the weekly allowance, still complained. I tried explaining of course that it wasn't permission he was asking for, but it was confirming that we had the money to do whatever it was he wanting to do. We had joint everything pretty much. We actually separated for approx. a year after a while over this due to built up resentment on both sides. All the remaing joint accounts that were open and owing I took and made sure they stayed current. He opened a few cc's in his name. Screwed those up of course. let a utility bill go unpaid. We've since reconciled and things are better, but he still hasn't quite got there yet. A few years ago he lost his job and was out of work for months. I'm the one who had to start the unemployment process, he was too proud. After 6 months of NO work he and I had a LONG talk and he ended up joing the military. He's been deployed once and returned home safe and sound. I think his responsibility level has greatly increased. Still financially immature though. Getting better little by little. We do have a few joint accounts still but also have our separate accounts. He still pays very little attention to money in vs money out. For example, just based on pay dates and due dates for bills we were short about $300 to pay all the bills that were due before we were paid again. Because I save I was able to pull money from savings to cover that gap and will be able to replace it next pay period. Frustrates the crap out of me!! He's got the mindset that "we always make due" and "that's what savings is for". I don't want to just "make due" or tap into savings for everyday expenses. I've had to basically give him an allowance and there are times I have to tell him that he's not allowed to spend anything. He complains about it of course and that it's his money too. He's made the statments that I don't need to treat him like a child as well. I've basically told him that until he actively participates in the family finances and SHOWS more financial maturity that this is how it's going to be. I've also told him that if he wants to treat money like a child would treat money then he would be treated like that child. The other option posed to him was that we can go separate on ALL our finances and we'd split everything down the middle. He doesn't want to do that so he keeps quiet for the most part and goes along with it.

Now we both work full-time jobs (he's also part-time with the army reserves) and we have two children. Both finished high school and I went on to get a college degree while he has not. Although, to his credit, he did help support our family while I went to school. And now with Veteran's benefits he is looking into going back to school. I do make more money than he does which I think has bothered him for a while but it's never been a real issue for us. I think some of it may definitely be the lack of confidence in our significant others. The military has helped him mature quite a bit. Also, being separated and having to do everything on his own and failing at that was a real smack in the face for him. Sometimes, something drastic has to happen before people really see what's going on. Maybe CC's wife NEEDS her smack the face by having that talk with her dad, or being cut off from money and given a strict allowance. Being forced to finish school. Forced to work if she refuses to conform to a family budget.

Our family goal is also to buy a house next year. I'm been working on cleaning up his credit as well as bringing down our overall debt. He's starting to grasp the concept of what needs to happen to reach our goal. But it has not been an easy process at all and some of it he did have to learn the hard way. Good luck to you CreditCrusader!

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 14:35:50 GMT

I don't consider our spending to be extravagant but am cutting back on stuff and re-structuring how CC debt will be paid down because two student loans have no more grace period left.

Having been on both sides of the equation, I think it really comes down to discussing things and having a reasonable expectation about one's budget and spending habits. We're going to hit Duncan at least once/week, for example. I can't realistically say "Cutting out Duncan will make me get out of debt ten dollars a week faster!". Yes, it's technically true but ain't gonna ever happen.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:12:36 GMT

kjm79 - argh! I can totally feel your frustration! Is DH still in the military? Do you have a family budget? I have a few strategies that are great for military. PM or I can post them here.

Make a house poster. I'm telling you, seeing something every day, helps you stay focused.

drkaje - so leave Duncan alone that way, by start looking for coupons and do their "preferred customer" thingy (punch card, emails) and saving some change that way. We just have to stay away from the laundry mat. DD is right next door. It means laundry day costs about $15.

It takes time and effort to become debt free. It takes a LOT of patiences if the partner is not on board!

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

Anonymous — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 16:15:09 GMT

@IOBA wrote:
kjm79 - argh! I can totally feel your frustration! Is DH still in the military? Do you have a family budget? I have a few strategies that are great for military. PM or I can post them here.

Make a house poster. I'm telling you, seeing something every day, helps you stay focused.

drkaje - so leave Duncan alone that way, by start looking for coupons and do their "preferred customer" thingy (punch card, emails) and saving some change that way. We just have to stay away from the laundry mat. DD is right next door. It means laundry day costs about $15.

It takes time and effort to become debt free. It takes a LOT of patiences if the partner is not on board!

I'm jonesing for a cup right now, LOL!

If it'll make you feel better, I'll even pay cash!

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:54:00 GMT

Cash is good...and take the loose change and put it into a "loose change" savings account. Our is expressly for traveling/vacation.

Lol - DH said he thought we should do a load of laundry today. I replied, absent mindedly after just reading your earlier post, "Naw, we can't afford it right now." He did a double take and asked me to explain that. "Explain what?" I asked him, still distracted. He said, "Explain why we can't afford to do one load of laundry today."

"Did I really say that?"

lol - had to explain to him that I associate doing laundry with DD.

Re: My wife is making my financial life miserable

IOBA — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:17:45 GMT

Just curious...what is the update with wife? Which one of the seven ideas have you started with?