topic Re: I have this friend.... in Relationships and Money

I have this friend....

800who — Sun, 05 May 2019 02:21:36 GMT

My good friend from work.. he's a smart guy... in some aspects. I've been working with this guy closely for over a year now and we frequent do stuff outside of work as well as other co-workers. He got into a relationship last july/august (9-10 months ago) and he's a full time 21 year old worker and shes a 21 year old college senior graudating with $100k in debt going into a retail job with no relevance to her degree what so ever(waste of a degree???). My friend is very clingy when it comes to his gf, he pays for EVERYTHING when it comes to the two of them. He has his own trailer and he's talking about moving her in and he's going to help her with her student loans. My girlfriend and I split everything just about evenly even though shes a junior in college and i'm a full time worker. I tell him that he shouldn't be taking on all her financial responsibilies because that's a heavy strain on him now absorbing the financial burden of two people. When I ask him about it, he constantly assures that's him being a "good boyfriend" and that's what boyfriends are supposed to do. I am predicting a not so happy ending result of that relationship. My friend is a very "proud" person, as well as a know it all/my way is the best way kind of person. I do acknowledge the fact that it's his life not mine and it doesn't affect me, and I do respect that, I guess I am concerned as I friend. Considering I am 20 years old and have never been in a relatinship to the point where finances are a shared part of the relationship, I am looking for everyone's opinion on what they think of my friend's mindset and his financial decisions towards his relationship.

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Sun, 05 May 2019 02:34:06 GMT

In my opinion - you’ve done your obligation as a friend by saying “hey, you might want to think about this.....”. It’s awesome you’re looking out for him. Now, it’s his business and not yours.

In the end, he’s going to make his decisions. And that’s the way it should be. We all make decisions that others might not understand.

Maybe he’s doing the right thing if they feel there is a serious future to their relationship. Maybe he’s doing the wrong thing if his motivation is misaligned. In the end, it’s his money. If you dwell on it, all it will do is drive a wedge between your friendship.

And that’s my 2 cents.

Re: I have this friend....

hernaemm90 — Sun, 05 May 2019 02:54:04 GMT

Ditto to the comment above. You've told your friend what you think. There is no need to keep repeating it to him

Re: I have this friend....

Shooting-For-800 — Sun, 05 May 2019 11:11:36 GMT

Education is expensive, so are life lessons.

Re: I have this friend....

800who — Sun, 05 May 2019 13:18:26 GMT

Thanks, I'm typically one for getting too involved in other people's business. I totally agree with you, gotta let people live their own lives how they wish to.

Re: I have this friend....

pinkandgrey — Mon, 06 May 2019 01:21:14 GMT

I think you’ve done what you can. Now he just has to live and learn.

Re: I have this friend....

Five6Two — Mon, 06 May 2019 02:00:43 GMT

I was your friend several years ago. No matter what any one told me; best friends, coworkers, family - I did not listen. Always did my best to put my gf through private college and pay for everything while getting myself in debt. Relationship ended and while she offered to pay for some of the debt accumulated (au), she argued the other several thousands were my choice. My sister (an attorney) told me she was right and to do my best to get myself out of my own hole. I’m happily married to my DW now and she was very supportive but also brutally honest with me and helped me improve my money management.

Point is, your friend will have to learn the way they choose - which, if it involves emotions, will be the hard way.

Re: I have this friend....

800who — Mon, 06 May 2019 21:28:10 GMT

My current girlfriend seems to have a solid understanding of finances and the importance of them, she makes wise decisions, but I think if she started racking debt like crazy or tried to have me buy everything, it would definitely be a deal breaker. If I ever get a DW, she has to be on the same page as me financially.

Re: I have this friend....

tcbofade — Wed, 08 May 2019 03:02:16 GMT

@800who wrote:
My current girlfriend seems to have a solid understanding of finances and the importance of them, she makes wise decisions, but I think if she started racking debt like crazy or tried to have me buy everything, it would definitely be a deal breaker. If I ever get a DW, she has to be on the same page as me financially.

Every couple does it their own way. Make certain that you have this conversation with whomever that lucky DW might be, and as long as the two of you communicate with eachother, you'll be fine.

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Wed, 08 May 2019 18:33:27 GMT

Don’t listen to the others about this is all you can do! Insist he’s being an idiot. There’s nothing chivalristic about taking on someone else’s debt UNLESS he’s already married! I’ve been on that other side and wished someone would have made their relationship uncomfortable with me by getting through my thick head! At the end of the day we must all be accountable for our own finances/choices. Taking on the responsibility for someone else almost always doesn’t help the other person or the one offering the helping hand... regardless of motive!

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Tue, 14 May 2019 04:22:36 GMT

At some point when he can't keep paying she will leave. Money causes many problems in relationships.

Re: I have this friend....

marty56 — Mon, 20 May 2019 10:40:02 GMT

I used to be the type of guy who felt he needed to date women who needed rescuing from some situation until I realized hat I was really trying to rescue them from themselves. Once your friend starts giving her money, it is game over for the relationship and if he is lucky, it ends sooner then later. I would bet money that she actually prefers bad guys vs the nice guy too and he is being played in some way and will be another one of those nice guys left with a broken heart and someone elses debt or problem. Been there and done that.

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Sat, 18 May 2019 22:29:05 GMT

I'm 30, my DH is 26 and we've been together for 4 years. Got married last September.

Every relationship is going to be different. It's a good thing that you mentioned your concerns, that's being a good friend. Now the only way to know whether or not your friend is making a mistake, is.....hindsight. It's just wait and see now. If your friend is making a mistake, then he will learn, and it's going to be okay.

My DH and I met when I was living on the streets, too disabled to work my entire adult life, income $733/month SSI. I had no savings (not allowed to under SSI or my income stops), no retirement, and $5,000 in debts to friends, who loaned me the cash to buy the van to live in to escape my previous bad living situation.

He had a retail job, no debt, and some savings. He insisted on paying for everything, and I let him. When I collapsed on the dance floor on our 3rd date, he moved in with me and became my caregiver. Our relationship was a delirium of New Relationship Energy. Most days were spent conversing and connecting so nonstop we eventually had to literally break from each others' presence for half an hour at a time just to eat, otherwise food sat cold for hours in front of us because we were so engulfed in each other. We were both losing weight we couldn't afford to lose. People said we were crazy to move in togehter so soon, people said he shouldn't be taking care of me so much, people said all sorts of things. But we were happy. Neither of us thought the relationship would last, and we spoke openly of such together, but by god we were gonna relish the moment for all it was worth while we had it.

And what they didn't see was while he provided the physical care I needed, I provided him mental/emotional support that he needed, and under each others' nurture, we both began to heal.

10 months into our relationship we survived a major car accident together. He lost his job due to his injuries. Suddenly we were living off just my $733/month. Suddenly I was paying for everything. DH had never before lived frugally, and the transition was painful for him. I think I told him "we can't afford that" several times a day during the next year as we recovered from our injuries. Surprisingly, i tnever strained our connection. We were just that compatible. When you can live 24/7 in a minivan with someone under significant medical and financial strain and still find complete bliss and safety in each others' arms, and the rare conflict addressed in a healthy, satisfying manner, you know you've got something.

Guess what? I became the primary breadwinner. He is still recovering from the accident 3 years later and despite several attempts, has not been able to hold down a job. I slowly managed to increase the amount I worked as my body healed, and got my first official job at age 27. I'm still not able to work full time, and I'm still disabled. But we are off the streets, own two vehicles and an RV free and clear, have nearly 14K in savings and are burning through my debts like wildfire. I started an IRA this year with a company match. DH still does odd gigs when he can, applies for jobs frequently and is working on his business ideas, as I'm also working on mine.

I think the only time our connection suffered from finances is when he worked up credit card debt and concealed it from me....twice. That was rough. We worked through it. Other than that, the transitions have all been pretty seemless. A major reason I knew I wanted to marry him was because we navigated all these major life changes together so in sync, so easily, it was like no matter what chaos was happening in our lives our relationship was always the eye of the storm, perfect calm.

I guess that's a lot to share but I just wanted to demonstrate how sometimes standard advice just doesn't match up, and things can work out great even when you're going against sound wisdom. The only othe rthing I'd add is maybe suggest your friend ensures he has a 6 months' expenses buffer and is contributing 15% to a retirement plan before he helps his girlfriend with bills. After all, if he wants to be her safety net, he's going to want to have is own safety nets in order so he can provide that. Make sense?

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Sun, 19 May 2019 18:49:52 GMT

If he won't listen to reason and you're a real friend...there's only one thing you can do to save your friend...

Get a female friend to contact his gf and claim she's sleeping with him. Possibly add in pregnant.

The situation should work itself out.

But yea...he views it as investing his money into something very worthwhile for great returns down the road. Sadly, investing in people is rarely a good financial move. Sometimes, you have to learn that lesson the hard way.

If she's actually trying to better her situation and seeking to get a job related to her degree (being unable to find a job with a practical bachelor's is very common these days...I have a lot of friends who went through that...and even then are clawing their way to a real income).
So, if retail is her only job option currently, at least she's working. But she ought to be looking, too/not settling.
If she's just being lazy, demanding lavish treatment/gifts/trips/etc....she isn't an adult & ready for a real relationship. Tell your friend yes--he is being a good boyfriend. But he needs to be aware of whether she's being a good girlfriend or a bad girlfriend. A good girlfriend would be thankful for all his support (letting her live with him, and thus eliminating her rent/utility bills) and not ask for many extra things. Going out for a date once every two weeks or so isn't being crazy. That is responsible (assuming it isn't a lux date) and is important for the relationship to not just be some terrible financial grind that sucks the joy out of their lives. Balance is important.

But if she's require stuff constantly...get that female friend to hop onto Facebook asap.

Re: I have this friend....

800who — Sun, 19 May 2019 23:47:30 GMT

I appreciate everyone's advice, I've come to the conclusion that my friend is very stubborn(he's always right) does whatever he wants, I did put my opinion, now I have to just let him do his thing. Maybe it could work out best. He seems to be happy currently and I am glad. We don't really see eye to eye on some things. For example, just recently I went out and shot darts with a girl just for something to do and he told me that I'm kind of messed up for hanging out with a girl like that because I have a gf. Although my girlfriend and I are on the terms of basically hang out with whoever, the trust is there in both directions.

Re: I have this friend....

Save-n-Invest — Mon, 20 May 2019 16:32:39 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I'm 30, my DH is 26 and we've been together for 4 years. Got married last September.

Every relationship is going to be different. It's a good thing that you mentioned your concerns, that's being a good friend. Now the only way to know whether or not your friend is making a mistake, is.....hindsight. It's just wait and see now. If your friend is making a mistake, then he will learn, and it's going to be okay.

My DH and I met when I was living on the streets, too disabled to work my entire adult life, income $733/month SSI. I had no savings (not allowed to under SSI or my income stops), no retirement, and $5,000 in debts to friends, who loaned me the cash to buy the van to live in to escape my previous bad living situation.

He had a retail job, no debt, and some savings. He insisted on paying for everything, and I let him. When I collapsed on the dance floor on our 3rd date, he moved in with me and became my caregiver. Our relationship was a delirium of New Relationship Energy. Most days were spent conversing and connecting so nonstop we eventually had to literally break from each others' presence for half an hour at a time just to eat, otherwise food sat cold for hours in front of us because we were so engulfed in each other. We were both losing weight we couldn't afford to lose. People said we were crazy to move in togehter so soon, people said he shouldn't be taking care of me so much, people said all sorts of things. But we were happy. Neither of us thought the relationship would last, and we spoke openly of such together, but by god we were gonna relish the moment for all it was worth while we had it.

And what they didn't see was while he provided the physical care I needed, I provided him mental/emotional support that he needed, and under each others' nurture, we both began to heal.

10 months into our relationship we survived a major car accident together. He lost his job due to his injuries. Suddenly we were living off just my $733/month. Suddenly I was paying for everything. DH had never before lived frugally, and the transition was painful for him. I think I told him "we can't afford that" several times a day during the next year as we recovered from our injuries. Surprisingly, i tnever strained our connection. We were just that compatible. When you can live 24/7 in a minivan with someone under significant medical and financial strain and still find complete bliss and safety in each others' arms, and the rare conflict addressed in a healthy, satisfying manner, you know you've got something.

Guess what? I became the primary breadwinner. He is still recovering from the accident 3 years later and despite several attempts, has not been able to hold down a job. I slowly managed to increase the amount I worked as my body healed, and got my first official job at age 27. I'm still not able to work full time, and I'm still disabled. But we are off the streets, own two vehicles and an RV free and clear, have nearly 14K in savings and are burning through my debts like wildfire. I started an IRA this year with a company match. DH still does odd gigs when he can, applies for jobs frequently and is working on his business ideas, as I'm also working on mine.

I think the only time our connection suffered from finances is when he worked up credit card debt and concealed it from me....twice. That was rough. We worked through it. Other than that, the transitions have all been pretty seemless. A major reason I knew I wanted to marry him was because we navigated all these major life changes together so in sync, so easily, it was like no matter what chaos was happening in our lives our relationship was always the eye of the storm, perfect calm.

I guess that's a lot to share but I just wanted to demonstrate how sometimes standard advice just doesn't match up, and things can work out great even when you're going against sound wisdom. The only othe rthing I'd add is maybe suggest your friend ensures he has a 6 months' expenses buffer and is contributing 15% to a retirement plan before he helps his girlfriend with bills. After all, if he wants to be her safety net, he's going to want to have is own safety nets in order so he can provide that. Make sense?

Thank you for sharing. Your story is refreshing. Wishing your and DH many happy, healthy years!

Re: I have this friend....

SBR249 — Tue, 21 May 2019 20:50:45 GMT

I would say that instead of trying to dissuade your friend from his course of action, maybe suggest to him that he could use some backup failsafes in case things go pear-shaped. At this point, he's unlikely to change what he's doing but maybe gently suggest that he make contingency plans like a stocked emergency fund or something of the sort, so that if things don't break his way, he won't be completely up the creek without a paddle.

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Thu, 30 May 2019 13:07:13 GMT

Send him to Dave Ramsey and the Red Pill community on Youtube.

If shes a good lady not just using him and good to him/responsible, marrige, etc in the future, I hope it will work. And people do need to learn their own lessons.

Re: I have this friend....

TheVig — Tue, 11 Jun 2019 14:14:50 GMT

Think more, and feel less is my motto for the most part these days.

In the old days, sadly most of my decisions about any subject matter were based off of feeling and emotion and what others might think. Like a lot of people, I had to learn the hard way and drive the car off the cliff so to say.

When I see people doing stupid, I try to share my own personal experiences, and the decisions I made to move past them. Sometimes it might resonate, most the time it don't, as most people are delusional enough to think their situation in life is different from everyone elses.

In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and and oil. But a fool devours everything he has.

Re: I have this friend....

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Jun 2019 04:47:42 GMT

@TheVig wrote:
Think more, and feel less is my motto for the most part these days.

In the old days, sadly most of my decisions about any subject matter were based off of feeling and emotion and what others might think. Like a lot of people, I had to learn the hard way and drive the car off the cliff so to say.

When I see people doing stupid, I try to share my own personal experiences, and the decisions I made to move past them. Sometimes it might resonate, most the time it don't, as most people are delusional enough to think their situation in life is different from everyone elses.

In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and and oil. But a fool devours everything he has.

Well the thing is, people's situations *are* different from everyone else's.

You say you had to learn to think more, feel less. But see, I had to learn the opposite. In fact, I was raised from babyhood to disregard emotions as irrelevant and suspect. I was taught to outright distrust my own intuition as something that will lead me astray. I was also raised in what therapists have told me meets the definition of a cult. Anyhow, as an adult I had to go through the painstaking process of learning how to actually feel emotion and discover that the sensations of emotion are okay to feel and can provide valuable information about my world and how I'm relating to it.

I also happened to spend nearly a decade of my life almost completely bedridden, isolated, and fighting for my life confined to a custom built environment for folks with my condition, unable to go outside or even look out a window.

But everyone goes through that, right? Man, I should go ask my therapist if I'm just delusional...