topic Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits in Relationships and Money

Concerned about fiance's spending habits

PdxGirl — Thu, 09 Mar 2023 21:11:28 GMT

I have been with my BF for 3 years and we recently got engaged. We are both in our late 50's and have lived together for 2 years. During that time I have not seen him spend ridiculous amounts of money, but he thinks nothing of going out for dinner or spending big bucks at the grocery store - just charge it! I am more careful with budgeting for things. If it's in my budget and I need it, I will buy, so I don't think I am a cheapskate.

At one time I made a lot more money but lost my job and started my own business during the pandemic. I have about $30k in cc debt due to the business, but I also have $30K in liquid investments to pay it off if I need to. My business now makes enough to pay my monthly bills but not a lot extra to pay down the cards. Really hoping the investments will turn around and then I won't have to totally empty my savings account to pay off the debt.

He has a good job but also credit card debt. He ran up most of the debt when he had a low-paying job. He has been paying it down, but bought himself some new sports gear ($600), needs a new car (his is literally falling apart), and just got hit with a $7,000 medical bill. He's told me he can't afford to pay it.

I can't figure a way out of debt. I hate that we are getting older and have no assets, no home. We are renting. We both have some retirement funds but not large amounts. Any suggestions on how we can work together to get out of debt?

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

SeaProbe — Fri, 10 Mar 2023 03:31:07 GMT

As one of a similar age who has had two marriages and two divorces, I have both failed and also learned a lot from each failure. So take the below with a grain of salt…

The most important part is regular and steady communication, and a *joint* plan for budgeting & spending. The two of you need to agree on a budget and "regular" spend, such as gas, groceries, utilities, insurance and the like. Other non-regular spend should be discussed prior to making any expenditures and in the context of the family budget. A "fun" discretionary budget for each of you, whether it be for splurging or impulse buys, or anything else, is an important part. Without that, it can feel like one of the two is trying to "control" the other.

In short, both of you should work with a budgeting program or spreadsheet, problem solve together, and commit to your joint path forward.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

iced — Fri, 10 Mar 2023 16:07:51 GMT

@PdxGirl wrote:
I have been with my BF for 3 years and we recently got engaged. We are both in our late 50's and have lived together for 2 years. During that time I have not seen him spend ridiculous amounts of money, but he thinks nothing of going out for dinner or spending big bucks at the grocery store - just charge it! I am more careful with budgeting for things. If it's in my budget and I need it, I will buy, so I don't think I am a cheapskate.
At one time I made a lot more money but lost my job and started my own business during the pandemic. I have about $30k in cc debt due to the business, but I also have $30K in liquid investments to pay it off if I need to. My business now makes enough to pay my monthly bills but not a lot extra to pay down the cards. Really hoping the investments will turn around and then I won't have to totally empty my savings account to pay off the debt.
He has a good job but also credit card debt. He ran up most of the debt when he had a low-paying job. He has been paying it down, but bought himself some new sports gear ($600), needs a new car (his is literally falling apart), and just got hit with a $7,000 medical bill. He's told me he can't afford to pay it.
I can't figure a way out of debt. I hate that we are getting older and have no assets, no home. We are renting. We both have some retirement funds but not large amounts. Any suggestions on how we can work together to get out of debt?

That's a question for your fiance. He has to want to get out of debt, you have to want to get out of debt, and you two have to communicate and agree on a plan to do it. If he's not on the same page as you about this, you nor any Internet forum response can put him on that page. He has to go there willingly.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

FireMedic1 — Sat, 11 Mar 2023 11:44:24 GMT

Whats the number 1 reason for divorce? $. If it doesnt get under control now. What will happen after the wedding? Time to sit down and come up with a plan. Any purchases have to be approved by both of you. Nothing like a savings account and save what one of you want to purchase. Once you got the cash. Use the card. Get the rewards. You earned it. No interest flying out the window you'll never see again. Finances have to be as a couple. His I'll buy that and you find out later wont cut it. Your a team. Have to work as a team. One sided wont cut it. So the budget will need a sit down plan now. Or do you want to walk down the isle in debt and worry more debt will come as he spends what I'm sure you both work for. Love doesnt concor everything. Especially money. My 2 cents.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

JoeRockhead — Sat, 11 Mar 2023 12:37:30 GMT

As stated upthread, he has to be a willing participant. Would be best to sit down now and come up with a plan together, for now, as well as what you both want for the future. You'll both need to be committed to it because if one of you is responsible, focused on what's important (and what isn't) for your lifelong financial goals and needs, and the other tends to be irresponsible, frivolous and/or selfish, it's simply a drag on the whole thing in it's entirety. If it continues, sooner or later it will rear it's ugly head, and become a major sore spot in your relationship, and your life.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

PdxGirl — Sat, 11 Mar 2023 12:55:47 GMT

Thank you all for your advice. I don't think he is unwilling, just clueless. And we are both of an age where we don't want someone else telling us what to do. We are working together this weekend to document all expenses and income. I think it will be very enlightening for him to see where his money is going. Next step will be to make budget. Then see if we can both stick to it. Feeling hopeful!

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

madmann26 — Thu, 16 Mar 2023 10:49:04 GMT

So the credit world is stressful as it is. People get lured into companies that aren't legit.

Fixing credit is even more stressful.

Relationships and credit is even more stressful.

So this compounds. You're trying to do the right thing and you may have to take it a step further. You've come to the right place to get help.

Sit him down and make a plan. Stick to the plan.

The old saying is true. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.

(I'm a guy btw)

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

MeredithLepore — Wed, 22 Mar 2023 14:59:16 GMT

Congratulations on your engagement! Debt can feel overwhelming, but it is possible to get out of it. The first step is to make a plan *together*. Start scheduling a regular "money date" with your partner. During your money date is a great time to bring up your questions, concerns, and goals, and create a plan around them. It's great that you're budgeting for things, but creating a budget together and divvying up the responsibility for certain expenses can ensure both you and your fiance are on the same page and are contributing to financial goals, i.e., getting out of debt and saving up for a home. Once you have a budget, start knocking out your debts *together* one-by-one. This will help you feel accomplished and strengthen your motivation to continue.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

Roisin — Sun, 29 Oct 2023 17:53:57 GMT

I'm sorry about the medical bill. Hopefully, your fiance can work out a payment plan. Also, I'm glad you're taking steps to address this issue now, rather than after you're married. I once made a mistake of financially helping a fiance, and after he lost everything I did too. Of course after that I was no help to either of us.

After being sure to protect yourself financially now -- as others have posted, in the long run your financial journey should be a partnership with shared goals. For starters, you're here on the forum, can your fiance be here too? I'm older than you both, and up until a few years ago I had "no" credit. I've discovered, however, that by checking in here and reading posts, I'm not only educating myself in a relatively painless way, but also, I'm feeling supported as well as inspired to actively engage in improving my credit, which I've done. If you're both participating, or at least reading here, then you'll be learning more as you open up a new, shared, common interest/goal. Also, if you can agree on some way(s) to build in some fun with this, giving yourselves little rewards along the way, it'll help avoid the potential "doom and gloom" your partner may associate with paying down debt.

All that being said, you're still two different people with different strengths and sensibilities; one of you may always be more adept at managing money than the other. Make sure your expectations are realistic, and if so, work out financial goals and a system that's fair and equitable, yet still accomodates each of your unique personalities/strengths.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

AdamCarey — Mon, 11 Dec 2023 14:19:09 GMT

This is it in a nutshell, be honest and create a solid plan regarding "extra expenses".

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

michealer23 — Mon, 27 May 2024 18:02:51 GMT

It's crucial to communicate openly about finances. Consider creating a joint budget, cutting unnecessary expenses, and seeking financial counseling to devise a solid plan to tackle your debts together.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

cashcardscore — Thu, 04 Jul 2024 14:23:14 GMT

You need to be able to sit down with your BF for a very important conversation. No lies, no half truths, tell him how you really feel. Get every bill and figure out how to pay all of them. Chip away at your CC debt as much as you without putting yourself in a bind.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

Realist — Wed, 11 Dec 2024 14:11:42 GMT

Quite the predicament. One that many people all around the world eventually find themselves in. You face the moment of rolling up your sleeves to do the hard thing. With patience and discipline, I'm sure you will find a way forward.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

IsambardPrince — Sun, 15 Dec 2024 23:43:37 GMT

@cashcardscore wrote:
You need to be able to sit down with your BF for a very important conversation. No lies, no half truths, tell him how you really feel. Get every bill and figure out how to pay all of them. Chip away at your CC debt as much as you without putting yourself in a bind.

Unfortunately, people who aren't the least bit concerned with spending both your paychecks and then about another 76% on top of that, usually don't want to sit down and have a chat about how to pay for the mess they caused and stop doing that.

I've lived with, let's say, my "fair share" of partners over the years (mostly the years where it was illegal for me to get married, which in some ways was a blessing....thanks to all the homophobes out there who were trying to oppress me I didn't marry any of the ones that were trying to spend me into the ground and having a court ordering me to pay for even more of their bull...crap), and not a single person is usually willing to change their bad behavior to make things work.

If they max out their credit cards and don't pay any of the bills, that's what they do. If they fling their dirty socks across the room for you to pick up and refuse to eat anything that's not out of a Chef Boyardee can, that's what you get if you stay with them. Just as much as you could ever want.

As bad as some of mine have been, they don't hold a candle to my mother. She married three times and the second and third one blew through all their money, got loans she didn't know about from loan sharks, spent all that too, and answered the question "How do two people spend through an annual salary of $198,000 in rural Indiana in 2014 and still get their heat and water shut off routinely despite owning nothing?"

Sure, one of mine shoved me into bankruptcy, and that hurt for about ten minutes, but my mom always has bad credit and deals with loan sharks, and she can't hang onto a dollar. Some people like living in the mud and rolling around with the pigs.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

JamesS84 — Sat, 15 Nov 2025 00:07:34 GMT

You definitely need to talk to him about your concerns before you get married. You don’t want it hanging over your head.

Re: Concerned about fiance's spending habits

kh_diane — Sat, 15 Nov 2025 18:33:04 GMT

Hi everyone,

Due to the age of this thread, it will be locked to keep discussions current and relevant. If you have the same or a similar question, please feel free to start a new thread on the topic.

Thank you for your understanding!