topic Re: SO STRESSED!!! in General Credit Topics

SO STRESSED!!!

TULO30 — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:42:00 GMT

I need some advice. I am so stressed right now. My fiancee and I earn a combined income of $175K. HOWEVER!! With my student loan, both our cars, miscellaneous loans AND credit card debt we are 100K in debt! The majority of which my fiancee had prior to our engagement.

We have looked at it and have a 2 year plan to get it all payed off, but in the mean time we are planning a wedding that carries a budget of $25K (yes, a new loan we just acquired). So, while we are paying down our existing debt of $100K we will be acquiring new debt with the loan we just took out for the wedding.

My fiancee is a home owner. We are both responsible people. I have a FICO score of 715 right now and I don't want to jeapordize it. I am scared to death of making a stupid decision, but I don't see how we can get around the wedding...I am a basket case these days.

Am I freaking out for no reason? What would you do? Thanks for your help!!

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

brownee — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:55:48 GMT

Congrats on your upcoming marriage! Have you considered a smaller wedding? Vegas? Anything that would decrease the cost. I honestly feel that if you're trying to get out of serious debt, the last thing you should do is to acquire new debt...especially debt that isn't neccessary. Of course you want, and deserve, the wedding that you've dreamed of, but at the same time you have to think of what that will do to your financial picture and if the cost of one days activities will outweigh the real cost. Just my .02, though.

Message Edited by brownee on 08-14-2008 08:55 AM

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:09:43 GMT

well said-

brownee wrote:

Congrats on your upcoming marriage! Have you considered a smaller wedding? Vegas? Anything that would decrease the cost. I honestly feel that if you're trying to get out of serious debt, the last thing you should do is to acquire new debt...especially debt that isn't neccessary. Of course you want, and deserve, the wedding that you've dreamed of, but at the same time you have to think of what that will do to your financial picture and if the cost of one days activities will outweigh the real cost. Just my .02, though.

Message Edited by brownee on 08-14-2008 08:55 AM

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

haulingthescoreup — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:21:30 GMT

The best wedding gift that you can give one another is to lessen your burden of debt.

Do something simple and meaningful for now, and in five years (or whenever), do a ceremony of recommitment or whatever they're called. If you can afford it then, that's when you can have your big blowout.

Good luck, and congrats on your upcoming marriage.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

TULO30 — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:22:53 GMT

Brownee, thanks for your response. We have considered smaller, but not small as in eloping. I can not imagine a wedding without my friends and family around to show their support - that is something that is very important to me. As it is, we will have about 70-90 guests...which isn't a big wedding. You are right...I want and deserve a nice wedding but I have to think of what it will do to my financial picture....that is the million dollar dillemma!

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:23:22 GMT

I concur. A smaller wedding seems like a feasible way of helping our your debt situation in the short term.

But, I know sometimes people have their mind made up. Have you considered a DMP?

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Math_Rocks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:22:14 GMT

Like others, this is just my opinion. DH and I have been married almost 20 years now and I have a lot of hindsight. My wedding day was beautiful and important but it was just one day. I wish that we would have spent less and had some "cushion" starting our lives together. As it was, we were very quickly in debt and, I believe, it really started us off on the wrong foot.

Its a little preachy (and may not apply at all to you) but it scares me these days how many couples obsess about their weddings and spend little thought on preparing financially, emotionally and spiritually for what should be a lifetime commitment.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

TULO30 — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:32:16 GMT

Thanks for your response Math Rocks. I don't think the amount of money we are spending on our wedding ($25K) is excessive. I think it is a reasonable amount, but I think it is unreasonable considering the amount of debt we already have...we will spend the next couple of years paying off all of our debt and the debt is what bothers me most. I prefer to live my life debt free. I brought a total of $25K debt into this relationship and I was working to pay that off....now things seem out of control and unmanageable...but, as you say...wedding is a very important day and all I will have are memories from the day and I want them to be great memories.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

MidnightVoice — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:55:23 GMT

$25K is a nice deposit on a new home

Or a one half day celebration.

Message Edited by MidnightVoice on 08-14-2008 11:55 AM

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Math_Rocks — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:56:20 GMT

@MidnightVoice wrote:
$25K is a nice deposit on a new home
Or

That's what I was thinking!

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:10:44 GMT

I am sure everyone wants to have a great wedding that they'll always remember but one has to keep in mind that once the celebration is over, they will be reminded every month of it in the mailbox. So spend wisely!

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

haulingthescoreup — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:17:10 GMT

One of the most beautiful weddings I ever went to was in Cades Cove in the Tennessee Smokies. It was springtime, daffodils everywhere, deer in the distance, and it was performed by a minister outside one of the old ruined churches there.

The reception was pot-luck, and we set everything out on rented tables covered with cloths and went at it. (The food, that is.) Everyone had a wonderful time, no one had to worry about shushing children or dealing with surly waiters, and it was very memorable for all. It couldn't possibly have cost more than a thousand bucks.

I'm really not trying to step all over someone's dreams, but for those just starting out, it's difficult to realize how the wedding industry has taken over such a special time, setting crazy levels of expenditures and levels of pomp, and somehow making people believe that these are the norm. That's why I was thinking of something small and special (and that can include 70 - 90 people), and having a big rip-snorting blowout in several years, when you can afford it.

Again, I'm not criticizing, I'm just trying to point out that there are many alternative types of weddings that don't feel cheap or blah. Wedding consultants don't necessarily like these, though.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

granny031350 — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:09:40 GMT

There are so many ways out there to have a wedding that costs 1/4 of what you are planning to spend. And they were beautiful.

Dresses can be purchased during sales. Some offer 99.00 dresses etc. My step daughter borrowed her friend's dress instead of purchasing one that would sit in a box forever. (none of my kids wanted anything to do with my dress. LOLOL Too OLD looking!!!)

Flowers can be done with ribbons and bows and less flowers. Or rent decorations for the day. Photography can also be found inexpensive. In fact, one friend had the photographer take the pictures and instead of the cost of printing, put them all on a CD disk for her to print out which ones she wanted when she wanted. That was very cheap, like less than 500.00 and included the CD of the wedding ceremony.

I guess I am not trying to jump in here to say what is ok and what isn't. I know that is a very special day that comes only 1 time (well the first time)

But there are SOOO many ways to have a beautiful day on the cheap. You just have to want to look for it and be willing to make some changes.

GL in your new life!

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:58:33 GMT

I wouldn't plan any kind of wedding if I had 100k in debt. I'd wait a year, or two.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:23:11 GMT

I'm mostly from the type of people that have about 70-90, family alone, that have small weddings. Why? Because it's hard enough to swallow a thousand when you're living hand-to-mouth. It seems like 25k is excessive for your situation. May be scale down, have the guests bring their signature dishes, so there's a little bit of everything. And the memories, I think, will last longer because it was a group effort. The wedding shouldn't depend on the amount spent, but the intent and preparation involved.

Just my two cents, though. It seems like a better idea to not get any deeper.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:20:08 GMT

I'm a former wedding photographer, and I've been to a LOT of weddings at all kinds of budget points. $25k is about average for many parts of the country, but I wouldn't dream of spending that kind of money on a wedding.

Here are some ideas to save money:

1) Reception venue: If you are a member of a church, and are getting married in the church, have the reception at the church's fellowship hall.

2) Wedding Dress: $5k for a dress you are only going to wear once is insane. Get a $99 dress at David's Bridal. Or find a friend who can sew and have her make it for you. No one is going to know the difference if you don't tell them.

3) Food: Light hors d'oeuvres will be much less expensive than a full meal.

4) Music: A DJ is cheaper than a band. And you really don't even need the DJ.

5) Photos/videos: OK, I'm biased... I think a truly talented photographer is worth every penny that you pay him. But I also think that most of the wedding photographers out there are not truly talented. With the auto-everything digital cameras that are out there today, you can have a talented friend take the photos. Or ask your guests to bring their digital cameras and share the pics with you -- from the thousands of images they shoot, you'll find a few dozen great ones to make an album.

If I was in your shoes I'd keep the total wedding budget to around $5k. But I realize that different people have different priorities. If you really have to spend $25k to have your dream wedding, go ahead. But be aware that you are getting deeper into debt just to throw a party. The expensive party doesn't make you "more married."

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 20:37:14 GMT

Math_Rocks wrote:
Like others, this is just my opinion. DH and I have been married almost 20 years now and I have a lot of hindsight. My wedding day was beautiful and important but it was just one day. I wish that we would have spent less and had some "cushion" starting our lives together. As it was, we were very quickly in debt and, I believe, it really started us off on the wrong foot.

I can't second this enough. I got married in May of 2006 and while I have paid off all other CC and loan debts (except for house and car), I am still trying to pay off my wedding debts! And it did not cost that much - we economized where we could - and it was a lovely wedding, but my husband and I would be buying a new home this year if we'd done things differently. I COMPLETELY understand the lure of the $25K wedding with all the family and friends there, but if it's just going to make you more panicky, then either scale back or wait a while! Surely in today's economy, it's acceptable to tell people that you're going to wait until you can afford it!

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 21:30:07 GMT

My spouse and I had a very small wedding. I am sure we didn't spend over $1k.

We made a lot of our own items, bought things over the course of a year, and the wedding dress, some of the wedding party's wear was made by my spouse's aunt. We paid for the materials needed and she done all the garment making for free as our wedding gift.

We had a friend doing photos, a friend doing the video making. We also bought disposable cameras and laid around at the reception. We had the reception in the community hall next to the church.

We made our own decorations, rented some items, etc.

Spouse made invitations on the computer and you couldn't tell the difference.

With that being said........I would advise one of the two options

If you want to get married now........downsize greatly.

Wait for 2 years, pay the debt off and then have the wedding the budget allows.

I also have the following advice...from my own experience, the first year of marriage is the hardest, doesn't matter how long you have dated and/or lived together.

You both have just made a major commitment and for some, having that commitment set in stone(even if you were living the same before you set that commitment in stone) overwhelms some people and they have a hard time adjusting to it.

When you add money trouble, new babies, etc on top of this, it makes it that much worse.

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

NikJ4 — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 03:32:45 GMT

hate to agree on this with the others but $25K is very excessive. If you have to come to this site to say your stressed that is a BIG sign that you may need to come up with a plan B. I spent only $5K and i wish we would have kept that in the bank. If you can not pay cash for your wedding then, wait until you can. If you love him today, love will still be there when you are debt free. Dont go into a marriage with this type of debt. It will only make the relationship more strained as the days progress. Sorry for not being able to tell you what you want to hear.

Hind sight is always 20/20 so remember that and think what is REALLY important to you. Your wedding or your debt. Make the choice. In this instance, you cant have both and stay sane.

Message Edited by NikJ4 on 08-15-2008 10:32 PM

Re: SO STRESSED!!!

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 04:01:53 GMT

Go with whatever makes both you and your finance feel "right" I never got the whole wait until you pay off the debt to get married thing. If you are already living together yeah or nay on the wedding date won't change much. If you are not living together then you are paying for 2 households. If you and the finace really want a wedding to remember with all your close freinds and families then go for it. You guys make 175K per year. You are not the typical newlyweds coming out barely able to afford to eat and living off ramen noodles. If you guys can realistically pay off your 100K in debt in 2 years and both are disciplined enough to do so, there is no reason you can't have all this stuff paid off fairly quickly.

I am the contrarian person on this thread, but that is expected as this is a credit board. I agree that financially, holding off or downsizing would be better. That doesn't mean it is the right answer for you. If both you are your finace want to get married soon (and you have been together long enough to be comfortable with this), you both want the same size/expense wedding, and you both acknowledge and have the discipline to work at paying the debts off, then go for it. You do have the income to make it work if you want to.

I would want to factor this into the question though?

If you are thinking of kids, a house purchase, or any other serious financial move like going back to school, etc make sure you have planned for that as well.