topic Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ? in SmorgasBoard

Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:35:18 GMT

Need help or suggestions on how to deal with DH's spending... how do you tell someone again that they were wasting money without hurting their feelings? I can tell him there is x dollars in the account, we have these expenses this week etc. in hopes he will be understanding.... it's a lost cause! Is it really necessary to go every local HS football game, I could understand if we had a kid playing but he doesn't know any kids on the team? He can go by the ATM for lunch money and the minium withdrawl amount is $20 (which would last me a week or better) but he will come home broke and have to visit the ATM again the next day... don't matter if he takes $10 or $20 a day he comes home broke! Heaven forbid he goes by Wally World!

I have cut every expense that can be cut... no where left for me to trim. I go over the budget with him weekly sometimes more frequently if I feel it's needed...nothing seems to help... I don't want to be that nagging wife each day. Keeping the kids, home & the finances straight are exhausting! I'm guessing men don't stress over expenses like women do? Guys don't be offended by this please and if you have any suggestions I'm all eyes right now! A mother and/or wifes job never ends.....

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Junejer — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:45:24 GMT

Hey Bran, I am a man, and I feel your pain. What I did to make the ex understand the need and power of budgeting is to hand her the checkbook, the budget and the expenses and said "have at it. It's yours for the next six months." One month of that and she was begging me to take it back. I made her do it for two months, and that honestly worked for a good while.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

MidnightVoice — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:47:03 GMT

Take away his ATM card, CCs and check book and give him an allowance

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:48:51 GMT

MidnightVoice wrote:
Take away his ATM card, CCs and check book and give him an allowance

Or open a second account that is his and put his allowance in that account. Then he doesn't have to ask you for money or depend on you for money, but can't overspend. (well unless he writes bad checks)

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

MidnightVoice — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 21:55:44 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
Or open a second account that is his and put his allowance in that account. Then he doesn't have to ask you for money or depend on you for money, but can't overspend. (well unless he writes bad checks)

Has to be one without an ATM card!!!

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

marty56 — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:29:57 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I have cut every expense that can be cut... no where left for me to trim. I go over the budget with him weekly sometimes more frequently if I feel it's needed...nothing seems to help... I don't want to be that nagging wife each day. Keeping the kids, home & the finances straight are exhausting! I'm guessing men don't stress over expenses like women do? Guys don't be offended by this please and if you have any suggestions I'm all eyes right now! A mother and/or wifes job never ends.....

You are not nagging and it is hard when one person wants to do the right thing and the other doesnt. IMHO you may have some issues in your marriage beyond trying to get DH on board to keep a budget. Money is a prime reason why people get divorced.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

MsKiwi — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 22:49:15 GMT

@MidnightVoice wrote:
Take away his ATM card, CCs and check book and give him an allowance

I agree.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 23:10:57 GMT

@Junejer wrote:
Hey Bran, I am a man, and I feel your pain. What I did to make the ex understand the need and power of budgeting is to hand her the checkbook, the budget and the expenses and said "have at it. It's yours for the next six months." One month of that and she was begging me to take it back. I made her do it for two months, and that honestly worked for a good while.

I made a boo boo and missed my cc payment by 1 day this month...cost me $10.51 finance charge and $39 got the late fee reversed but paying that finance charge really gets under my skin.... I did tell him once that I was going to let him handle all the finances including grocery shopping... I couldn't do it and he knows it because he know I know he spending habits. (whew had to say that aloud) He knows how I feel about paying anything late & finance charges. He would become homeless very quickly!

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 23:15:24 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
Or open a second account that is his and put his allowance in that account. Then he doesn't have to ask you for money or depend on you for money, but can't overspend. (well unless he writes bad checks)
Has to be one without an ATM card!!!

@marty56 wrote:
@Anonymous wrote:
I have cut every expense that can be cut... no where left for me to trim. I go over the budget with him weekly sometimes more frequently if I feel it's needed...nothing seems to help... I don't want to be that nagging wife each day. Keeping the kids, home & the finances straight are exhausting! I'm guessing men don't stress over expenses like women do? Guys don't be offended by this please and if you have any suggestions I'm all eyes right now! A mother and/or wifes job never ends.....

You are not nagging and it is hard when one person wants to do the right thing and the other doesnt. IMHO you may have some issues in your marriage beyond trying to get DH on board to keep a budget. Money is a prime reason why people get divorced.

Trust me I have done almost all of the above. I haven't taken his card away but I did open another account that he don't have access to which holds my mortgage, car payments.

Yes financial woes are the leading cause of divorce!

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 02:30:32 GMT

really, give him an allowance. It sounds childish, but if he can't be responsible...

Have the joint account for your joint expenses. sit down WITH HIM and figure out a monthly or bi monthly allowance for both of you to stick to $100, $200, whatever. then open two accounts one for him and one for you and deposit the allowance in it accordingly.

Take his atm card for the joint account and cut it up. If he overdrafts, that's his problem. If he "runs out" that's his problem... the same goes for you.

this will only work if you can get him to agree to it and stick to the rules, which you should be able to do so long as he agrees on the amount of the allowance. You know your husband, so you have to word this in a way that will be appealing to him rather than condescending or threatening.

really, give it a try. it works wonders.

(I actually advocate 4 accounts + however any retirement/investment accounts you desire: 1 joint account for bills, 1 joint savings account, 1 checking account each for each spouse. ideally, the joint account would have a zero balance each month.)

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 12:14:27 GMT

Dizzier-

He put himself on an allowance of $10 per day like I said above the ATM minimum is $20 so his intentions are still$10 per day but he don't have the self discipline . We have a joint checking & savings account, I have my retirement account + 2 separate savings accounts and I sometimes feel bad because he dunno about the 2.

I don't normally take a lunch because I don't have time most days... work 8 - 2 (great schedule for kids) sometimes later. Money wasn't an issue for the past 7 years until now...with the economies condition my sales have been down. I work on straight commission and in the hospitality industry and not many people has traveled this year thus contributing to the short fall of income.

I don't want to bash him because he is a good man... works everyday, don't drink. Just mt.dew, sometimes I wish it was beer at least he would pass out because soda averages $5 per 12pk and he averages 2 cases a day, if it was beer he might would drink 6 & pass out LOL. He works just as hard as I do so it makes it hard to just say hey you can't spend over x amount this week including your soda addiction (he would think I lost my mind) and I just don't want to be the nagging wife, lord knows I'm not the easiest person to live with. I think I'm OCD where the kids,house & finances are concerned LOL

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

marty56 — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 13:04:00 GMT

When people get married, they become a team and as such have to give up some individual rights. 6 years ago, I was in 70k of debt, lost a relationship and almost my job caused and yes I was and am a sober/nice guy who worked hard but refused to manage my spending or have a clear money goal for the future.

Now I have a great wife, no CC debt and a clear goal for the future. Yes DW still gets on me for buying DVDs and she somtimes even drags me out of the DVD/Game section at Walmart. Guys have trouble giving up toys.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 13:14:50 GMT

Congrats on getting out of all that debt in such a short time frame! Your right, guys do have a hard time giving up their toys!

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 13:42:35 GMT

If the ATM minimum is $20 and he can't "save" the other $10 until the next day, draw out $50 on Sunday and he can take $10 with him each day.

2 cases of soda per day? Wow.......

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

MsKiwi — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:19:24 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to bash him because he is a good man... works everyday, don't drink. Just mt.dew, sometimes I wish it was beer at least he would pass out because soda averages $5 per 12pk and he averages 2 cases a day, if it was beer he might would drink 6 & pass out LOL.

OMG! 2 cases of soda a day? I'd never leave the bathroom.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:27:49 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
If the ATM minimum is $20 and he can't "save" the other $10 until the next day, draw out $50 on Sunday and he can take $10 with him each day.

2 cases of soda per day? Wow.......

He already thinks I treat him like a kid... I have thought about doing the $50 per week as well. As for the soda he allows his kids to drink a lot of soda...I've never allowed my children to drink soda freely... they only get soda once in a blue moon. I never bought soda before we met so that expense had to grow on me.... how can you tell a grown man no soda's or you can't drink no more that x amount of soda's per day?

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:39:09 GMT

How about explaining the health risk of drinking 2 cases of soda per day? That is over 8000 calories a day in just soda.

Soda can do as much damage as beer can.

I am a big Coca Cola fan. Until the spouse and I met that is all I drank, besides coffee.

I now sometimes drink 1 can per day, but not always.

Interesting fact 3500 calories = 1 pound-- if anything ever happened that he couldn't exercise or move around, he could potentially gain 2 lb per day from soda alone.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Scamp — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:43:27 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
@Anonymous wrote:
If the ATM minimum is $20 and he can't "save" the other $10 until the next day, draw out $50 on Sunday and he can take $10 with him each day.

2 cases of soda per day? Wow.......

He already thinks I treat him like a kid... I have thought about doing the $50 per week as well. As for the soda he allows his kids to drink a lot of soda...I've never allowed my children to drink soda freely... they only get soda once in a blue moon. I never bought soda before we met so that expense had to grow on me.... how can you tell a grown man no soda's or you can't drink no more that x amount of soda's per day?

Bran, if you've already tried this, then sorry for a wasted post, but have you actually sat down with him in any of those budget sessions and shown him his per MONTH and/or per YEAR spending on things like the Mt. Dew and his $10/day? Does he realize that's $300/month & $3,600/year? Does he realize that 2 cases of Mt. Dew a day at $5.00 per is also $300/month & $3,600/year?

Does he genuinely 'get' that if he spends more than the budgeted amount, the bills won't get paid, the kids go hungry, the lights go out, etc.? Have you already sat him down and said, Well, since you spent $300 on soda this month, we can't pay thus-and-such bill, and I wasn't able to buy (fill in a basic food or other household necessity, especially one important for the kids' health or well being)...? Have the numbers right there in front of him, and make sure it's a calm, fact-stating session about the seriousness of the money problem and you asking for him to be a part of the solution, not part of the problem, not an I-told-you-so kind of approach.

I know I didn't really think about the impact of my own ~$10/day spending on lunches at the local sandwich shop until sat down earlier in the year and added it up to see how much I was dropping into that place each month (I was trying to see where I could cut back and put more toward my cc debt).

If he says you treat him like a kid, you might try letting him know that no, you're trying to treat him like a grown-up member of the team that is you both, in the marriage, and that includes telling him even the not-so-fun truths about your expenses. It's little kids who just want to spend whatever they want, on whatever they want, without having to be aware of the cost or acknowledging the reality of bills having to come first and if money's tight, paying them may mean giving up some 'wants' like 2 friggin' CASES of Mt. Dew each day - grown-ups look at reality, set a budget and goals and have the discipline and maturity to control spending to stay within that budget, keeps the bills paid and on-track with the longer-term goals.

Good luck.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:54:14 GMT

Several years ago mentioned the health risk when he did start gaining a few pounds so his solution was change to diet mt. dew 0 calories. Now my rebutale and showed him article with statistics that most diet soda drinkers tend to eat more "snacks" that have tons of sugar including himself.

His previous marriage he was the sole provider so he never had extra money for ball games, golfing, fishing epuipment (he doesn't even fish) video games etc., so over the past 7 years he's trying make up for all the spending he couldn't do growing up or in previous marriage IMO.Like I said I have tried everything I can possibly think of to curb his appetite for spending.He acts like allergic to money and has to spend it as fast as he gets it.

Re: Suggestions on curbing DH spending ?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 15:05:40 GMT

Check out some financial counseling or budgeting classes offered locally. There are places that offer such, sometimes they are held free, sometimes a small fee.

Compromise with him....after all the bills are paid, X amount is in retirement, X amount in savings, X amount in kids college funds, X amount here, whatever different accounts you have, then he can have 50% of what is left to purchase anything of his choosing....

Maybe pack him his lunch each day......healthier eating and no need for the trip to the ATM.