topic Re: Dating advice in SmorgasBoard

Dating advice

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:02:53 GMT

I came here because YOU all will understand!

I met this guy. He seems perfect. Really. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and find out he's a satanic puppy-killer or something, but he's not. He's smart, funny, and seems to adore me.

Problem? We went to dinner one night and he said he didn't have any money because he couldn't get his ATM card to work. Fine. I paid. I'm not one of those girls anyway (you're the MAN so you pay!), so no big deal.

Then I go over to his house and there are bills on the counter, in plain sight, with FAILURE TO PAY WILL RESULT IN REPORT TO CREDIT BUREAU......on them. Yeah.

He's going through a divorce, and it could just be that. He is an attorney and has a good job, so I'm assuming he makes a decent wage. But my whole family has money issues, and I have fought long and hard to overcome my own. I cannot deal with a relationship with someone who can't handle their finances. At least I don't think I can. I'm really torn about this.

We've only been out a few times, and I'm willing to see where this goes, but it's just giving me bad vibes. Just to clarify, I don't CARE if he has money. For the right guy I'd live in a cardboard box. It's not being able to manage money that scares me. My parents declared bk, my brothers call me to ask for money...this is just a huge red flag issue for me.

Anyone been through this with a positive ending?

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:18:14 GMT

How long have you been seeing him? How serious is it?

I ask, because if you feel the time is "right," and you have the inclination, you can offer to help him rein in his credit/financial issues. It could very well be that he doesn't *know* how to, on his own. Or doesn't see it's future benefits.

Speaking from a personal POV, I was like that. Credit? Huh? Managing and budgeting money? Whazzat? My parents are/were wealthy, so I never had to learn how to manage money. My parents, until I got married, acted like my own personal ATM (in fact, offered to buy me a house if I DIDN'T get married -- don't ask), so I had no idea how to budget or use credit wisely.

Not trying to offer any excuses for my past credit-crappiness, just giving a possible scenario. The automatic "know-how" to manage money correctly isn't something most people are born with -- and something the average person, IMO, is usually too embarrassed to ask help with.

Another possibility is that it's possible that if he sees how YOU take it seriously, he might, too. While I don't believe you can change people, per se, I do think that if person "A" sees person "B" manage something sensibly, they might get the idea they can, too.

Bottom line: If you're comfy with it, broach the subject with him (preferably over a nice bottle of wine) and see what his reasons for being irresponsible are. It could be the nasty divorce (could be their HER bills but he's having to pay them AND his bills and it's hurting him). It could be immaturity. It could be cluelessness.

But you'll never know 'til you find out for sure!

Re: Dating advice

Junejer — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:50:35 GMT

I am of the opinion that more money to a poor money manager makes one more poor (ie goes into debt). It could be the divorce. You need to decide what you really want/need out of a relationship. If you have the eebie jeebies, then either walk away or address it with the gentleman if you like him a lot. Saying/doing nothing will certainly get the same result out.

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:19:11 GMT

You guys bring up some good points. It could be his wife's bills, and I guess I'm assuming a lot. I was also thinking, if someone had dumped me a few years ago when I was credit-clueless, it would have really upset me.

I don't think this is serious enough yet to have that "talk", but if it gets there, I definitely will.

Re: Dating advice

demi — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 23:50:58 GMT

I would just keep an eye out for symptoms....and if the time comes, then have the talk.

On the other hand, you might want to bring up what you have been thru and done for your credit just as a discussion topic and see where it goes..???? Maybe he is trainable and could use some help.

Re: Dating advice

marty56 — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:08:33 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
You guys bring up some good points. It could be his wife's bills, and I guess I'm assuming a lot. I was also thinking, if someone had dumped me a few years ago when I was credit-clueless, it would have really upset me.

I don't think this is serious enough yet to have that "talk", but if it gets there, I definitely will.

I know what its like to get dumped and rejected over money. It happend to my 6 years ago. I showed those people they were wrong about me so give him a chance to do something about it, if it is his job to do so.

Re: Dating advice

MattH — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:00:18 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
I came here because YOU all will understand!

I met this guy. He seems perfect. Really. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and find out he's a satanic puppy-killer or something, but he's not. He's smart, funny, and seems to adore me.

Problem? We went to dinner one night and he said he didn't have any money because he couldn't get his ATM card to work. Fine. I paid. I'm not one of those girls anyway (you're the MAN so you pay!), so no big deal.

Then I go over to his house and there are bills on the counter, in plain sight, with FAILURE TO PAY WILL RESULT IN REPORT TO CREDIT BUREAU......on them. Yeah.

He's going through a divorce, and it could just be that. He is an attorney and has a good job, so I'm assuming he makes a decent wage. But my whole family has money issues, and I have fought long and hard to overcome my own. I cannot deal with a relationship with someone who can't handle their finances. At least I don't think I can. I'm really torn about this.

We've only been out a few times, and I'm willing to see where this goes, but it's just giving me bad vibes. Just to clarify, I don't CARE if he has money. For the right guy I'd live in a cardboard box. It's not being able to manage money that scares me. My parents declared bk, my brothers call me to ask for money...this is just a huge red flag issue for me.

Anyone been through this with a positive ending?

Run Away

Or if you cannot bring yourself to do that, at least tell him in no uncertain terms the future of your relationship depends on a rapid and thorough transformation of his attitude towards money. But beware of making him into a Pygmalion project!

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:31:30 GMT

If hes going through a divorce and financial difficulty, I would honestly keep some distance and see how it plays out later. I dont think it's something you want to be caught in the middle of his divorce. But if your really interested in him, it doesnt hurt to just get to know him and play it casual.

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:50:12 GMT

@MattH wrote:
Run Away

I tend to concur. I would certainly sit him down and have the "talk" with him before investing anymore in the relationship. If you don't do it now, you will get attached to him and may make a judgement error due to the rose colored glasses of love. Get it out in the open NOW while you are still objective ! imho/ymmv/closecoverbeforestriking/laveselasmanos

Re: Dating advice

Junejer — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 12:10:05 GMT

contractor wrote:
imho/ymmv/closecoverbeforestriking/laveselasmanos

I like the disclaimer. I read it in the really fast disclaimer-guy voice too.

PJ, I am still on the side of having that discussion with him. It's true, usually you don't want to be in the middle of a divorce. I recommend that person getting past everything, before taking it to another level. Emotions run too high during a divorce.

Message Edited by ByrdMan on 01-07-2009 06:10 AM

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 14:10:41 GMT

Today, financial issues can make or break a relationship. IMO you need to approach your new friend about his overdue bills you see on his cabinets or counters. Even if these bills are his soon to be ex wife's, if he is receiving them, then his name is associated with the bills, so his credit is also. You have worked hard on your financial issues so you do not want to be burdened by his troubles too!

Be careful here also, he may not tell you the truth when you ask him, he is a lawyer!

Re: Dating advice

marty56 — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 10:10:32 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
Be careful here also, he may not tell you the truth when you ask him, he is a lawyer!

Easy way to tell if a lawyer is lying is to check to see if his lips are moving.

Perhaps MyFiCO will offer Valentine's day discount for all 3 scores being pulled.

IMHO I would not get involved with anyone who is in the process of gettng divorced or had just ended a long term relationship regardless of what their FICO score is.

Message Edited by marty56 on 01-08-2009 02:10 AM

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:11:08 GMT

You guys are cracking me up, esp MattH. How do you REALLY feel?

I'll stick with seeing him casually til I figure this out. And yes, I might bring something up, hypothetically, just to see what he says.

I have no desire to save him. Hell, *I* just learned to swim, I have no business teaching anyone else!!

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 04:51:30 GMT

Family breakup, job loss, medical bills. They are the Big Three of BK so it's reasonable to presume they account for a whole lotta late payments and other bad credit stuff which is less than BK. Responsible, good people fall victim to it. Trick is knowing whether this is a hole he's in and will climb out of or not. I'm inclined to say extend the benefit of doubt, at least for now. I don't see the need to brand him with a scarlet letter and toss him.

Re: Dating advice

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:13:37 GMT

Don't count him out just yet! My DF was terrible with managing his finances when I first met him. But a few years later and 100+ points higher, he is very responsible now. No more baddies and good debt management.

There are two types of ignorance: passive and active. its the active ignorance you want to avoid.

If you all are "at that point" in your relationship, have "the talk".

Re: Dating advice

haulingthescoreup — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 00:57:01 GMT

My two cents...

It's unfair to count someone out on the basis of something you glimpsed on his kitchen counter. Those might have been his bills; they might have been hers. Stuff happens, especially during a crisis situation.

IMO, this discussion should occur at about the same time as the other conversation about lab results and protection occurs. It's a weird new world out there, and you have to protect yourself from all sorts of things.

Maybe he's the responsible party, and she's the nut case; maybe he's the wild spender and gambler and she initiated the divorce to get him out of her hair; maybe it's both of them. (As in most cases of divorce.)

But there's dating, and there's involvement, and there's marriage. By the time I'm moving into involvement, I would like to know some of the nitty-gritties about the other person. And as others have said, they might have screwed up in the past. Heaven knows, I did. If it's their fault, what have they done to acknowledge it; what are they doing now that's different; and what will they do in the future to ensure that it never happens again?

Good luck! It's a tough world out there, and finding someone who makes you happy is not to be discounted.

Re: Dating advice

marty56 — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 13:07:48 GMT

@haulingthescoreup wrote:
Good luck! It's a tough world out there, and finding someone who makes you happy is not to be discounted.

I thought about renting the Stepford Wives (remake) and watching it with DW. Lucky for me common sense kicked in and I didnt.

Re: Dating advice

MattH — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 19:00:38 GMT

@marty56 wrote:
@haulingthescoreup wrote:
Good luck! It's a tough world out there, and finding someone who makes you happy is not to be discounted.
I thought about renting the Stepford Wives (remake) and watching it with DW. Lucky for me common sense kicked in and I didnt.

Yeah, I'd never DARE take either the original or the remake of THAT one home to my wife!

Re: Dating advice

MidnightVoice — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 23:01:42 GMT

@haulingthescoreup wrote:

IMO, this discussion should occur at about the same time as the other conversation about lab results and protection occurs. It's a weird new world out there, and you have to protect yourself from all sorts of things.

I remember the days after the pill and antibiotics, and before AIDS

Re: Dating advice

marty56 — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 13:52:52 GMT

Last nite on the Suze Orman show she had this guy on who wanted his wife back since she divorced him after because he secretly took out $250k from their home to support his business. I first felt sorry for the guy and then started thinking how dead I would be if DW found out that I did something like that.

Communication and honesty are the real issues in any relationship.