topic Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories in SmorgasBoard

Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:26:14 GMT

I have a sick sense of humor and I have fun with people wanting my money.

Do the rest of you?

Please share with the rest of us your funny collection or telemarketer stories.

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:39:00 GMT

Ok - 17 years ago I had a Firestone charge card. Owning a POS car requires it. Anyhoo, I mailed my payment on my way out of town to visit my folks, and I guess it was lost in the mail. One of their collectors called me THE DAY AFTER IT WAS DUE. I told him I mailed it on such-n-such date, and he said (and I quote),"Are you retarded?" The really funny part is I am NOT RETARDED. So, I wrote a check for the balance, which I clearly remeber was $24.59, and cut the card into a million little pieces and mailed the whole mess in. Couple of weeks later, I get a call wanting to know if I needed a replacement card. I said, "No. I'M RETARDED, remember?"

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:40:13 GMT

That's a good one!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:43:56 GMT

Years ago in the early 90's I had a CA calling me and threatining me

at all hours and at home, work and everywhere else and just being a

complete gerk.

So I called him one day and told him if he didn't stop harrassing me

I was gonna climb thru his office window and stuff his phone down

his throat, at wich time he replied with some smart a$$ comment

and I told him to look out his window where I was standing with the

bankruptcy papers I was holding in my hands that were filed that day and I said he couldn't harrass

me anymore and that I filed just because of him and now that I knew what he looked

like he better hope I did not meet him in the bar he frequented..

Ya I was younger and dumber back then but I did put the fear back onto him...

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:49:45 GMT

Ok, ok another one.

A telemarketer calls and goes through this whole rigamirole about how they are collecting money from folks so "needy" kids can go to the circus. I said Great! My kids can finally go to the circus! Where do I pick up my tickets?

No reply.....

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:50:58 GMT

I like that!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 01:54:24 GMT

Back in the long-distance service wars, I had someone call me, obnoxiously claiming he could beat whatever I was paying for long distance service. The conversation went like this:

HIM: "Nobody can beat our rates."
ME: "You can't beat what I'm getting."
HIM: "What are you paying now?"
ME: (chuckling) "I don't PAY to make long-distance calls, they pay ME 4 cents per minute."
HIM: "What do you mean?"
ME: "I mean exactly what I said...for every minute I spend on the phone long distance, the carrier I'm with pays ME four cents. I made over fifty bucks last month."
HIM: "What carrier is that? I want to try that! Can you hook me up"

Of course I was BSing big-time, but I sure got that guy to shut up!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 02:07:01 GMT

I got a telemarketing call one day while at work when I was busy talking to my boss. Here's how this conversation went:

Phone rings, "please hold for an important message from XYZ company"

I told my boss "Listen to this" so he got on the other phone and pressed the mute button.

Him: Hi, this is Jeff with XYZ company. We'd like to extend to you...........

Me: Uh, sir, this is Michael with HP technical support. What is your issue?

Him: Huh?

Me: Sir, this is Michael with HP technical support. I was told that your department had a problem with either a copier or a printer. This telephone call is costing your company $50.00 per minute. Please tell me, what is your issue?

Him: I know nothing about this.......let me talk to my supervisor.

Less than 10 seconds passes.

Him: We have the issue resolved. Thank You.

CLICK!!!

To which, we had a GOOD laugh for the rest of the day!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 03:40:30 GMT

Look up some of Tom Mabe's work on YouTube or iTunes. Especially "Crime Scene" (which goes by several different names on YouTube) and "Crime and the Carpet Cleaner".

In the first bit, a telemarketer calls and asks for Tom Mabe. Tom impersonates a detective and tells the telemarketer that Tom Mabe is dead, a murder victim, and interrogates the telemarketer about exactly how well he knew Tom Mabe, and tells the telemarketer he may need to come in for questioning, which means traveling hundreds of miles ...

In the second bit, a telemarketer for a local carpet cleaning company calls, and Tom tells the telemarketer how glad he is to get the call, since he has an urgent need to get blood out of his carpet. A LOT of blood ...

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 08:36:19 GMT

Got a call once from a telemarketer calling on behalf of the Dove Foundation. I immediately switched into Stoner Dude mode.

Me: Hello.

Caller: I'm calling from the Dove Foundation.

Me: Oh, umm, ah, we use Ivory. Sorry dude.

Caller: No, no, no. We're not affliated with Dove Soap. I'm with the Dove Foundation.

Me: Oh, like, now I understand, dude. So, umm, do you like sell Ivory and stuff, cause we really like it.

Caller: No, no, no, no, no. We're the Dove Foundation. We have no affiliation with Dove Soap, at all.

Me: Oh, OK. Well, umm, we only use Ivory, but I think we're out.

Caller: I'll try back later.

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 08:48:54 GMT

This floated around 4 or 5 years ago and I got a copy via Email.

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/41510/Annoying_Telemarketers.html

Version I saw was slightly different, but close enough to serve as a great script.

Either MCI or Sprint called me maybe 3 to 4 years ago, and I had it still fresh in my head. Think it was MCI. Got through a piece of it. I was about to lose it when the telemarketer hung up on me.

Me: Hello?
Caller: Is this Mr. Bodie?
Me: Yes.
Caller: This is MCI.
Me: This is MCI?
Caller: Yes this is MCI.
Me: Is this MCI?
Caller: Yes this is MCI.
Me: Like, the phone company?
Caller: Yes sir, the phone company.
Me: Heh, wait a minute. I thought you said this was MCI.
Caller: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: Is this some kind of subliminal thing. Because I heard about this on Jerry Springer.

click

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 09:03:17 GMT

If you're no good doing improv, try one of these. You pick up, answer, it's a telemarketer.

"Hello." Whatever they say, you just respond "Hello."
Say, "I don't speak any English, at all." Don't attempt to put on a fake accent. Whatever they say next, respond "I really don't speak any English, at all." They'll likely start to boil, and might even scream or swear at you, if they don't hang up. Respond, "I'm sorry, you caught me at a bad time, and I don't speak any English, at all."
Whisper, "You have to keep your voice down. He's sleeping." When they start to talk, shush them. Again in a whisper, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I told you. He's sleeping." When then start talking again, shush them again, and in a whisper say, "Shhhhh. Please. Don't do this to me. He's sleeping. Don't you understand."

Whether you pick 1, 2 or 3, the telemarketer likely won't stay on past 30 seconds or so. If they do, just start repeating one of the phrases to everything they say.

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 09:07:54 GMT

For you romantic types, you can always hit on the telemarketer. Cheesy or overtly sexual pickup lines are best. You can probably think up tons of them. Doesn't matter if you're male or female, and doesn't matter whether the caller is male or female.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm. You sound hot."

"So, what are you wearing?"

"Heh, what's your sign?"

"Come here often?"

"Wanna come back to my place?"

"You into anything kinky?"

"Talk dirty to me."

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

MidnightVoice — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 14:39:38 GMT

When they said they were a telemarketer I always us to say "Oh bother, and I thought you were the AIDs clinic calling in with my test results"

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 16:50:43 GMT

You guys are GOOD! I'm going to have to remember some of these!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 18:37:13 GMT

LOL....these are too funny!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 02:00:49 GMT

My kids frequently use straws, and there's often a cup of something left sitting on the kitchen counter with a straw in it.

For my next trick, my plan is to use my Stoner Dude personae, then while the telemarketer is mid-ramble, chime in and interrupt.

"Hang on a momentito there dude."

[Pick up the cup, and start blowing bubbles into the straw.]

"Whoa! Oh, man. Awesome. Dude, I like, just some serious munchies. Can you like, hold the phone for a sec. Gotta like go raid the frig."

I'm told, as I have no personal experience in this area, there is the possibility of conveying the message I am doing something other than blowing bubbles into a cup.

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 02:17:33 GMT

This thread is *AWESOME* keep it going

Haven't had a good laugh in a long time.

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Tuscani — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 06:56:32 GMT

This wasn't actually me.. but I remember reading this several months ago on another forum:

---

Me, Yes this is XXXXX, how can I help you?

Scummy Lawyer: You can help me by paying off this debt you owe (I am not kidding I was floored)

Me: Well sir perhaps you could tell me a little bit more about this debt.

SL: It is a Utility bill owed by you for a bill with OH ED.

Me: Sir, can you tell me what year this bill is from as I have filed BK7 and have not had service with OH ED for a very long time.

SL: The bill is from 1994, it was transferred to Genesis in 2000 and then to us this year.

Me: well sir, you actually have no right to collect on that debt as it was included in a chapter 7 BK before your offices bought it.

here where I about choked from laughter, God this people are morons.

SL: Well Ma'am, you may have discharged your obligation to OH ED and Genisis Financial, but we own this debt now and you did NOT include us in your bankruptcy.

At this point I just laughed, told him I would be sending him some mail today and advised him against reporting this "debt" to the CRAs until he gets my mail.
This guy sounded like a 1 man operation, perhaps someone trying to break into the collections world. What an IDIOT!

Re: Funny Collection or Telemarketer Stories

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 17:04:53 GMT

These are GREAT! But, I know there are more out there! C'mon y'all! We all want to hear more.