In 97 I was still in my 20's - I think a the time I had 3 or 4 bank credit cards - CLs $5000 - $11,800. I had good cards too - Citi - Discover - Credit Union. I moved across country on the heels of relationship trauma - and was already in the first stages of a very NASTY gambling problem - but I had no idea. Gambling was a way to numb my pain. I went from working F/T in one state to P/T in another while trying to complete graduate school. I had no family - and no friends - no support. The casino was a 30 minute drive away. I was hurt - and spending most of my time on an Indian reservation cashing my paychecks - and taking out cash advances on my credit cards to cover gambling debt.... and only sometimes to cover living expenses. It was a pure hell that lasted 17 years - that only another person who has lived this can understand.
When I was 23 - I was making very little money - but proudly was able to pay my bills. At 33 - I was trying to ward off bankruptcy. I CCs, but really did not know what credit was about. I had never seen my CR - had no idea what my credit score was. All I know is applied for CCs and was approved. I used them - and paid on time. Ten years later - I was overwhelmed - utterly confused - depressed - addicted and calling CC companies to try to set up payment plans I could not follow through on.
I think I finally saw a BK lawyer in like 2000 - sitting there ashamed and really not wanting to do this... he just looked at me smugly and kept trying to convince me that this was the only way to regain some parts of my life. I walked out of his office - I did not go back until 3 years later - when I saw no other way. I HATED EVERYTHING about my life. There is a small cooperative credit union here with which I had a small personal loan. One of the blessings in my life I count is how the CEO of the the CU showed up at the court - said that he knew I was having such a hard time - and told me that if I did not include them - they would allow me to pay back my load without interest. I was so ashamed - and of course agreed. I did eventually pay them back - with some bumps - but I did pay them back. In fact, now that I am typing this, I am thinking that I will contact them and offer to pay that interest back. The CU is run by activist who believe in financially empowering poor people.
It was in 2008 when I got an offer to apply for a Discover Card - I was shocked because I knew my credit was in the toilet - I applied anyway and was approved for a CL of $2100. I was SHOCKED - and then I learned that it was an HSBC Discover - I had never heard of this - thought it was a scam. So, I Googled it - and clicked a link that lead me to MyFico.com. It was then that I learned that I COULD rebuild - and how to do so...... So began the journey. I still had a lot of bumps for the next 4 years because while I had myself banned from the local casino in late 2006 - In 2007, I had started gambling online. Now, I was using my new credit cards to do so, but each year I evolved a bit. I did put a lot of money on my cards - but this time I actually still paid my bills. I desparately wanted CCs but having them was so dangerous for me. In about 2011 I banned myself from my favorite on line gambling site. I began finally saving and getting back on my feet.
A couple of months ago - I drove to Canada to gamble for the first time in 2014. I took one of my cards - I ended up taking a cash advance for a few hundred dollars on my Freedom. Trust me - that is some serious progress. Ten years ago, all of my new credit would have been maxed right now - no exaggeration. But two months ago - even taking a $500 cash advance hurt me to my very core - and before I took another dollar out on my new and growing credit history - I walked into the security office and had myself banned for life from every casino in Ontario. I came back to NY - and have not thought about gambling since.
I am now very careful with my cards - I get nervous about having so much credit. But I also take care of it - I do not overdo it - I do not have any balances that I cannot pay right now if I wanted to. I do not live on my cards - and I realize the blessing that I have in my life... that I am here typing this long response - as opposed to looking haggard and crazy in a casino - further setting down my limited financial resources on a blackjack table. There were many many times when I thought I would die a very painful death - and wish I would - before I would get to this point. No more maxed cards for me. In fact, I only use my cards to get rewards - And the ones that have a balance have them only because I have 0% APR on those accounts.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
@EW800 wrote:Changingmantra2:
Wow.... Thank you so much for sharing what you have been through. You really have been through a lot. I am so pleased to hear that things are going MUCH better for you now. It is hard enough to just to have a lot of debt, so hearing that there was an addiction involved as well, had to have made it millions times harder. I am so sorry for what you went through, but so pleased that things are better now!
Hang in there!
Thanks EW800 - It goes a long way to teaching you how to value what is really important! I tell you - I have a grand appreciation of blue skies - and any moment I can genuinely laugh - or just enjoy a movie - a song - or a walk in the woods. The so-called small things are HUGE -
