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Well I broke down.
I stopped by Chase today and applied in-branch for the FU. The banker pulled up a prequal with a $300 bonus (same $500 spend) and 15 months 0%.
It didn't come back instantly (He said that only ~10% do -- can anybody confirm this?) but I'm hopeful. Wish me luck!
EDIT 2/5: APPROVED http://ficoforums.myfico.com/t5/Credit-Card-Approvals/Chase-FU-APPROVED-with-300-bonus/td-p/4857590