Friends about to lose their house

[GregB]

I went to a very exclusive prep school that is considered one of the best in the country. I would love to send my son there. Current tuition including incidentals is $50,000 per year.

My soon-to-be ex made a disaster and I am now an almost full time father with a household income 70-80% less than  7-8 years ago. I've sacrificed almost everything EXCEPT the house that is the only home my son has ever known. I'm now making enough to cover my house payment with about $5-10,000 per year left over for EVERYTHING ELSE.

I think I made the right choice. They think they did the right thing for their kids but I think they made a big mistake. Even the best private schools arent' worth losing a house. And sports! that is just silly.

BTW, my brother went to public schools and it worked out just fine. Was it worth the sacrifice of my parents to get me an education that today would cost $500,000? Probably not.

[BungalowMo]

What good will a private school be when they end up in a homeless shelter??

*extreme example, but the point is the same. Also...at some point, their children will need to actually learn the value of a dollar EARNED....not just a dollar GIVEN.  I also agree that until they're ready to give up the fancy schools, extra sports, and all the truly unnecessary perks that come with a large income, and really live within the means (now, not from 6 mos ago), offering any money will just put a bandaid on a gaping wound.

I realize this sounds pretty harsh, but they have found themselves in a very bad situation, and right now, the only way to recover is to downsize across the board.....  to borrow money from others who just might be in the same situation in 6 mos is wrong.  

[Anonymous]

I don't know what it's like in in Omaha, but I went to a private school. In order to go to a decent public school I would've had to drive 1.5hrs each way. So my parents sent me to private school, although not nearly as expensive as the Andover/Exeter/etc. My parents ran into some tough times later and sent my brother to public schools. I went to medical school and he dropped out of college. Purely anecdotal, of course, but sometimes private school is the right option for people. So without further details, I don't think I'd be so quick to call them idiots.

I do, however, question their foresight for waiting so long to deal with reality!

[GRILLMASTERNEEDAHOUSE]

---

@Anonymous wrote:

I don't know what it's like in in Omaha, but I went to a private school. In order to go to a decent public school I would've had to drive 1.5hrs each way. So my parents sent me to private school, although not nearly as expensive as the Andover/Exeter/etc. My parents ran into some tough times later and sent my brother to public schools. I went to medical school and he dropped out of college. Purely anecdotal, of course, but sometimes private school is the right option for people. So without further details, I don't think I'd be so quick to call them idiots.

I do, however, question their foresight for waiting so long to deal with reality!

---

I didn't think anyone call them idiots rather they are making a poor choice. I don't need any further details. If you about to lose your home and your kids are going to private schools and playing in expensive sports, your priorities are not in order. Case closed.

[granny031350]

well I will offer my 2 cents only because I have walked in their shoes.

Lifestyle is the hardest of all things to change.  And kids are hard to say no to.  I know because I had 3 plus 4 married on's and we tried to give it all to them.  Well I ended up divorced and in bankruptcy.  Now it wasn't all the kids fault, it was mine because I refused to understand that a single income can't do what a double income can do and I continued to allow my kids to believe that "all was well".

Please tell your friend that it is time for a real family pow wow.  They need to come clean with their kids and involve them in the decision making.  THe kids I am sure aren't stupid and see what is going on and we all know that they can be great at laying on the guilt trips and manipulating situations

But there comes a time when "just say no" is meaningful and necessary.  But involving the kids in the decision making will help everyone.

But this will be a real lifestyle change for them.  and they need to understand that you are their friend no matter what their lifestyle is and that they need to step back from their emotions and make a "business" decision for the betterment of the family.

I wish them the best because I know that being at the bottom of the pond is no fun but I made it back and so can they. 

[MattH]

Thanks everybody for your responses, it sounds like most of you read the situation about how my wife and I do, although she points out there probably are many relevant details that we do not yet know because our only data come from one email (that was sent about 3AM during what was doubtless one of many sleepless nights).

My wife and I have had many conversations about our friends and their situation, as you may well imagine.  Over dinner last night she remarked among other things how terrifying she found her most recent job search even though (1) it wasn't driven by economic desperation and (2) it had a very successful outcome.

We have not yet replied to their email message because we are still figuring out what to say and how to say it.   We are in agreement that sending them money would only be appropriate if dedicated to a specific purpose such as hiring a good financial advisor or career counselor; we absolutely don't want to see some of our money vanish down the same holes as their savings have gone.  If our friends form a thoughtful and reality-based plan for which some money would be useful, then we are in a position to give them a certain amount of assistance without in any way risking our own situation.  Back in summer camp when I took Red Cross Water Safety classes, they stressed the importance in making sure any rescue efforts did not place the rescuers at risk because "a double drowning does nobody any good."  As we think through whether and how to help our friends, I am keeping this warning very much in mind.

We also agree that he clearly needs to step back and think more strategically about his job search.  I gather he has been spending hours every day on the Internet searching for leads and sending off applications with no results.  Neither of us has much experience with job searching as such, because each of us has only actually done the classic job search once in our careers; most of our jobs have found us before we had even started looking.  But we do know if something has not worked for seven months the answer cannot be "do more of the same with ever greater intensity."

[MattH]

Update: my wife and I sent an email to the wife offering to pay for her husband to hire a career advisor; she has accepted our offer. We pray that (1) she can persuade him to accept this offer, (2) that he finds a good advisor, and (3) that with that advisor's help he can find appropriate employment -- both a better "survival job" for the short term and a "real job" for the longer term.

[Jazzzy]

I hope things work out well for your friends. My immediate thoughts on reading this thread are...

...My 5 children, my husband and I all went to public schools. Our family is sprinkled with advanced degrees. My oldest graduated from MIT before completing grad school. We live about 90 min from Omaha. Nothing wrong with most of the public schools in the midwest.

...I can't imagine the stress in that household. Lightening up on lifestyle would be well worth the reduced stress. Stress wears on everyone.

...Sometimes the worst thing you can do for people is do for people.

[MattH]

---

@LynetteM wrote:

I hope things work out well for your friends. My immediate thoughts on reading this thread are...

...My 5 children, my husband and I all went to public schools. Our family is sprinkled with advanced degrees. My oldest graduated from MIT before completing grad school. We live about 90 min from Omaha. Nothing wrong with most of the public schools in the midwest.

...I can't imagine the stress in that household. Lightening up on lifestyle would be well worth the reduced stress. Stress wears on everyone.

...Sometimes the worst thing you can do for people is do for people.

---

Well, I've spent time on various campuses: public grade school and intermediate school, Catholic high school, State University for undergrad, private institutions for grad school and postdoc* -- and my parents taught for many years at an institution that my mother once proposed renaming Generic State University.  I learned that much much more depends on the student than on the school.  It seems clear to me that my friends cannot realistically expect to keep their kids in private schools but my wife and I have decided to leave that issue for others to engage.  We picked the job search for our focus of advice and assistance because from her email it sounded like her husband was frantically following an ineffective approach of spamming resumes at every lead in order to Do Something.  If every friend works on helping them with one aspect of their situation, then I'm sure one way or another they will get through this.

*during my postdoc years at Yale this Dilbert strip was extremely popular there.  When I started at my current employers in 1998, for my first six months or so I was introduced as "this is Matt, he came to us from Yale," and I was always tempted to say, "Yah, I yust got out!"

[Watchmann]

Good luck to your friends.  It sounds like their job searching skills are ineffective and non focussed.  Truth be told most people do not know to go about looking for a new position, so maybe a good advisor can get them on the proper track.  Jobs are found by working the phones and calling people, and not by answering ads or doing online searches.  In my view looking for a job is the hardest job.  I've been laid off a few times in my life.  It is never easy to sit in front of a telephone and call a complete stranger that you have researched and targetted in the hopes of making a connection or perhaps another lead, but that is how jobs are found.  Hopefully they can get back on track before too long.