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How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

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Senior Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

You have very good goals and a good start on them. As you age and family status changes your financial goals and ways of achieving them change.  Until age 25 I accumulated wealth at an ureal rate.  Marriage. divorce and family all changed things.   I made several very good /lucky

investments that I kept on auto pilot when I was young that still account for a very large percentage of our assets.   

Message 11 of 47
Established Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

Just tell them, "I'm happy with the choices I'm making.  

I hope you're happy with your choices too."  

And then change the subject to something else.

 

+100

 

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Message 12 of 47
Established Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

Speaking about finances can be tricky and is a very personal subject. As someone else said, it’s only appropriate to offer advice if someone asks for it. People will only change if they are open and receptive to it. Otherwise it comes off as judgey, and that you know better than they do, and that’s never welcomed (even if it’s warranted). 🤷‍♀️


Aug 2019:

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Message 13 of 47
Super Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@800who wrote:

I am 21 years old, I make roughly $50k, I definitely lean towards the frugal side. I live well below my means and invest and accumlate liquid savings into an interest bearing account with intentions of having a 20% down payment on a house three years from now. I have no debt besides a year left on a auto lease, I use credit cards as debit cards to earn cash back, to have fraud protection and to build credit, I have never paid interest on a credit card. 

I try very hard to avoid being involved in financial conversations with co-workers because nearly everyone I work with is just beyond terrible with their finances, however I also want to help. So I try and offer advice, however my advice isn't valid due to being a 21 year old kid who doesn't have a clue... ok.... well according to the information above I'm doing okay. Or people will ask me how much money I have and I never throw numbers, I just say enough for what I need it for and then I start getting grilled about how saving is important, then I assure that I have plenty saved, then it's "oh must be nice"... ok.... I guess I really want to help people with improving their finances if I can, but then I end up looking like a bad person or that I am LUCKY because I am financially sound, when in reality I earned it... thoughts???


My advice is

1. avoid such conversations

2. don't offer unsolicited advice

3. don't tell people your business

4. be less judgmental... being "financially sound" doesn't make you better than

anyone else

5. remember that being "financially sound" is partly luck

6. at 21 you haven't been supporting a family... that can often make people

who are "financially sound" a lot less "financially sound"... so don't think you

know it all... you don't

 


FICO 8: EQ 735 TU 760 EX 729 Total revolving limits 713500 (592500 reporting)
Message 14 of 47
Senior Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

This may interest you: https://ficoforums.myfico.com/t5/Relationships-and-Money/When-relatives-give-bad-advice/td-p/5366547

 

Around my extended family, it's all theater. The savvy and successful people, to keep things peaceful, play dumb around the low-earning overspending self-proclaimed "experts". I only give advice when someone asks for it and don't share much about my own finances.

 

When in doubt, I can always steer a money conversation to stocks or credit cards.

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Message 15 of 47
New Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

OP when it comes to money to put it bluntly most people don't have impulse control and can't do delayed gratification.  Whether it's due to nature or nurture or both isn't clear but in reality a lot of people just aren't capable of making sound money decisions.  It's not necesarily because they are dumb it's just that they see something shiny and they go out and buy it. 

 

Why I loathe Dave Ramsey if you happen to listen to his show when guests call in and say they have thousands, tens of thousands or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in bad debt (i.e. consumer debt) it's due to not being able to delay gratification.  Dave's had doctors, professors, lawyers, etc. call into his show in massive debt and you can't just chalk it up to them all being stupid since to become a doctor means you have to be pretty intelligent and yet a lot of them are in massive debt.  

 

Another thing to consider is so many people try to "Keep up with the Joneses" going into massive debt because they don't want to be outdone by their neighbor having the only fancy car in the neighborhood.  It's a social status thing and for someone like me, and probably and some others on here it's something we don't get because we don't have that impulse/urge to try and one up someone by buying a more expensive liability.  Wanting to keep with the Joneses and lack of impulse control creates a vicious cycle of debt for these people and it's not something they can always easily break because it's not really an intelligence and lack of information problem (although sometimes they can be the case).  No in regards to people being in that vicious cycle it's really and emotional problem that's a lot deeper and quite frankly a lot of them...I would say most of them aren't ever going to be able to pull themselves out of that vicious cycle.

 

If you want a good book to read on this matter I'd recommend the millionaire next door...not anywhere near a great book for providing information on how to make a lot of money but what the book is great at is looking at the personality traits and habits of millionaires and seeing how they differ from people in the same income brackets who instead of having lots of assets spitting out cashflow instead have massive debt from liabilities.  The book really explains UAWs (Under Achievers of Wealth) which is what the vast majority of people are in this world.  

Message 16 of 47
Super Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@SouthJamaica wrote:

@800who wrote:

I am 21 years old, I make roughly $50k, I definitely lean towards the frugal side. I live well below my means and invest and accumlate liquid savings into an interest bearing account with intentions of having a 20% down payment on a house three years from now. I have no debt besides a year left on a auto lease, I use credit cards as debit cards to earn cash back, to have fraud protection and to build credit, I have never paid interest on a credit card. 

I try very hard to avoid being involved in financial conversations with co-workers because nearly everyone I work with is just beyond terrible with their finances, however I also want to help. So I try and offer advice, however my advice isn't valid due to being a 21 year old kid who doesn't have a clue... ok.... well according to the information above I'm doing okay. Or people will ask me how much money I have and I never throw numbers, I just say enough for what I need it for and then I start getting grilled about how saving is important, then I assure that I have plenty saved, then it's "oh must be nice"... ok.... I guess I really want to help people with improving their finances if I can, but then I end up looking like a bad person or that I am LUCKY because I am financially sound, when in reality I earned it... thoughts???


My advice is

1. avoid such conversations

2. don't offer unsolicited advice

3. don't tell people your business

4. be less judgmental... being "financially sound" doesn't make you better than

anyone else

5. remember that being "financially sound" is partly luck

6. at 21 you haven't been supporting a family... that can often make people

who are "financially sound" a lot less "financially sound"... so don't think you

know it all... you don't

 


Oh, and by the way, how could people know you are "financially sound" unless you've been bragging about it.

Which leads me to advice bullet point no. 7:

 

7. Don't brag about it, (a) because it's not nice to brag and (b) because you are but a single misfortune away from being less "financially sound".


FICO 8: EQ 735 TU 760 EX 729 Total revolving limits 713500 (592500 reporting)
Message 17 of 47
Valued Member

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

It's funny how some people will shame someone for making responsible adult decisions. I feel like they are probably jealous that they don't have they're lives in order to the same degree as a 21 year old. You keep doing what you're doing and you will end up in a much better position than these people.

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Message 18 of 47
Frequent Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@CH-7-Rebuilding wrote:

Something I've learned along the way is to never give advice unless somebody specfically asks for it, and they really want to listen and learn from you, or at least consider what you have to say.   Most people's questions are rhetorical in nature -- they don't really care what you have to say, they already have their own opinion.


 

This is spot on!!

 

I have eventually figured out that even responding to SOLICITED advice is just a waste of time. They just want you to affirm their decision that they already have made up in their own mind.

 

There are enough self-help books, youtube videos, and google-fu to go around that if people really want answers, they can get them on their own.

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Message 19 of 47
Established Member

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

Let me give you some advice that was summed up nicely by a friend - If you’re a medical Doctor, you can be sure that everyone- especially family members- will never cease bugging you for help/ advice on medical issues.

 

The opposite is unfortunately true if you are financially sound/ professional.  Nobody wants any kind of advice.  Believe me I have seen family members manage their affairs in totally haphazard way. Only if motivation comes from within and they reach out to you for help should you try and give advice. Otherwise you’ll be resented. It’s just not worth it unless you have a direct stake and control over the eventual financial outcome. Rarely is anything free respected as much as if it was paid for.

Message 20 of 47
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