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How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

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Valued Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@Brian_Earl_Spilner wrote:

I stay intentionally vague when money comes up. It's a little tough because I was known in the family for having money and good credit. I wasn't rich by any means, but compared to everyone else in the family, I was Scrooge McDuck. When they come around asking about my finances, I know it's just a matter of time before they hit me up for money. I just play dumb and say my accountant handles it (I don't have one) and I can give them their number if they need help. Conversation usually ends there.


This gets very difficult when the disparity becomes large. My SO and I try to intentionally avoid numbers and be vague about finances around family, and with her side of the family it works well. They're all also in a the same ballpark financially and things we do spend money on (and more importantly, how much we spend on them) don't raise any red flags. With my side of the family, this becomes nearly impossible because it creates awkward moments even doing little things like taking them out to dinner, and sometimes we intentionally falsify our situation just to avoid creating hard feelings, but that doesn't feel right. Someone who lives on $10/day can only be around someone who lives on $500 per day so long before questions get asked.

 

An example to highlight this is my last visit to my parents. We mentioned we were casually house hunting, but nothing serious yet. Being parents, they want to point out suggestions and make their own little recommendations. The problem with that is our budget is in the 7 figures and they're pointing out houses in the low 300s they see as excessively fancy and how nice it must be nice to be so profanely wealthy to buy such a place, but that one cute little mobile home for $85k would be ok. We were able to quickly change the subject, but this is only going to work for so long.

Message 31 of 47
Super Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@Remedios wrote:

OP is hardly the only one proselytizing here 

Entire series of Judge Judy had less judgements than this thread


Well this is a safe place for doing that.

1. We're here because we're interested in this stuff (as opposed to most everyone else I know)

2. OP was asking for advice, so we gave it.

 

 


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Message 32 of 47
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@SouthJamaica wrote:

@Remedios wrote:

OP is hardly the only one proselytizing here 

Entire series of Judge Judy had less judgements than this thread


Well this is a safe place for doing that.

1. We're here because we're interested in this stuff (as opposed to most everyone else I know)

2. OP was asking for advice, so we gave it.

 

 


Funny you'd say that to me considering you said it pretty much yourself right here "7. Don't brag about it, (a) because it's not nice to brag and (b) because you are but a single misfortune away from being less "financially sound".

At least this time red font was not used, so I'll consider that a progress. 

Have a great day Smiley Happy

EX 754 EQ 773 TU 752
Message 33 of 47
Community Leader
Senior Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@800who wrote:

I am 21 years old, I make roughly $50k, I definitely lean towards the frugal side. I live well below my means and invest and accumlate liquid savings into an interest bearing account with intentions of having a 20% down payment on a house three years from now. I have no debt besides a year left on a auto lease, I use credit cards as debit cards to earn cash back, to have fraud protection and to build credit, I have never paid interest on a credit card. 

I try very hard to avoid being involved in financial conversations with co-workers because nearly everyone I work with is just beyond terrible with their finances, however I also want to help. So I try and offer advice, however my advice isn't valid due to being a 21 year old kid who doesn't have a clue... ok.... well according to the information above I'm doing okay. Or people will ask me how much money I have and I never throw numbers, I just say enough for what I need it for and then I start getting grilled about how saving is important, then I assure that I have plenty saved, then it's "oh must be nice"... ok.... I guess I really want to help people with improving their finances if I can, but then I end up looking like a bad person or that I am LUCKY because I am financially sound, when in reality I earned it... thoughts???


IDK, something is just not clicking here. Maybe it's because you're GenZ and I'm a BabyBoomer.

 

Nearly everyone you work with is beyond terrible with their expenses. How would you know this?

 

Okay, I'm not going to grill you, but you don't have to have any type of conversation about finances with anyone except your spouse or SO. So, in the future, just stop inquiries by stating -- I don't discuss finances.

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Message 34 of 47
Community Leader
Senior Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@SouthJamaica wrote:

@800who wrote:

I am 21 years old, I make roughly $50k, I definitely lean towards the frugal side. I live well below my means and invest and accumlate liquid savings into an interest bearing account with intentions of having a 20% down payment on a house three years from now. I have no debt besides a year left on a auto lease, I use credit cards as debit cards to earn cash back, to have fraud protection and to build credit, I have never paid interest on a credit card. 

I try very hard to avoid being involved in financial conversations with co-workers because nearly everyone I work with is just beyond terrible with their finances, however I also want to help. So I try and offer advice, however my advice isn't valid due to being a 21 year old kid who doesn't have a clue... ok.... well according to the information above I'm doing okay. Or people will ask me how much money I have and I never throw numbers, I just say enough for what I need it for and then I start getting grilled about how saving is important, then I assure that I have plenty saved, then it's "oh must be nice"... ok.... I guess I really want to help people with improving their finances if I can, but then I end up looking like a bad person or that I am LUCKY because I am financially sound, when in reality I earned it... thoughts???


My advice is

1. avoid such conversations

2. don't offer unsolicited advice

3. don't tell people your business

4. be less judgmental... being "financially sound" doesn't make you better than

anyone else

5. remember that being "financially sound" is partly luck

6. at 21 you haven't been supporting a family... that can often make people

who are "financially sound" a lot less "financially sound"... so don't think you

know it all... you don't

 


+1 zillion.

This is really cream of the crop advice.

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Message 35 of 47
Super Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@iced wrote:

@Brian_Earl_Spilner wrote:

I stay intentionally vague when money comes up. It's a little tough because I was known in the family for having money and good credit. I wasn't rich by any means, but compared to everyone else in the family, I was Scrooge McDuck. When they come around asking about my finances, I know it's just a matter of time before they hit me up for money. I just play dumb and say my accountant handles it (I don't have one) and I can give them their number if they need help. Conversation usually ends there.


This gets very difficult when the disparity becomes large. My SO and I try to intentionally avoid numbers and be vague about finances around family, and with her side of the family it works well. They're all also in a the same ballpark financially and things we do spend money on (and more importantly, how much we spend on them) don't raise any red flags. With my side of the family, this becomes nearly impossible because it creates awkward moments even doing little things like taking them out to dinner, and sometimes we intentionally falsify our situation just to avoid creating hard feelings, but that doesn't feel right. Someone who lives on $10/day can only be around someone who lives on $500 per day so long before questions get asked.

 

An example to highlight this is my last visit to my parents. We mentioned we were casually house hunting, but nothing serious yet. Being parents, they want to point out suggestions and make their own little recommendations. The problem with that is our budget is in the 7 figures and they're pointing out houses in the low 300s they see as excessively fancy and how nice it must be nice to be so profanely wealthy to buy such a place, but that one cute little mobile home for $85k would be ok. We were able to quickly change the subject, but this is only going to work for so long.


Yeah, you're right. We can't dodge the questions forever. I just try to change the subject. I'm just not comfortable talking about it with the family.








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Message 36 of 47
Valued Member

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

Hey.

 

I'm 19, make 40k, and save about half of it (give or take) between retirement accounts, company stock plan, my own brokerage account and liquid savings.  I expect to have a net worth of $40,000 by the time I turn 21 and a stretch goal of 50,000, but that means going "no life" frugal.  The only debt I have is a car note and usual monthly credit card spending that is paid in full, which I have investments outearning the interest rate on.

 

From my experience, us Gen Z's early memories were during the 2008 recession, and money has generally been an open subject.  But don't offer or provide unsolicited advice.  People are bad with money, welcome to the United States of America.

 

I get the exact same shame at work.  Either, it's that I am far too inexperienced and young, or I've been coddled my whole life and never experienced a real hardship.  Theway I deal with it, is stick to yourself, save your money, buy that house, and pay that house off ASAP.  The only person that cares about your financial wellbeing is you.  But seriously, don't offer unsolicited advice.


Message 37 of 47
Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound

I work for the government, everyone's pay is regulated and public information, so everyone know's what everyone makes. So naturally people talk about money more openly, and it just so happens that I am frequently finding people talking about their lack of money as well as their spending habits, I don't go out of my way seeking out everyone's financially lifestyle it's just common for people to be more than open about it. so for example I went on a vacation recently and people ask about it and then it leads to "oh must be nice to afford to go on vacation", that's generally how finances come up. Or if people see me in my 2 year old truck it's always, oh MUST be nice... or HOW do you possibly afford that... I don't go around bragging by any means.

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Message 38 of 47
Valued Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@800who wrote:

I work for the government, everyone's pay is regulated and public information, so everyone know's what everyone makes. So naturally people talk about money more openly, and it just so happens that I am frequently finding people talking about their lack of money as well as their spending habits, I don't go out of my way seeking out everyone's financially lifestyle it's just common for people to be more than open about it. so for example I went on a vacation recently and people ask about it and then it leads to "oh must be nice to afford to go on vacation", that's generally how finances come up. Or if people see me in my 2 year old truck it's always, oh MUST be nice... or HOW do you possibly afford that... I don't go around bragging by any means.


That open disclosure in the public sector used to cause me serious headaches. When I was in it, watercooler chat would usually be along the lines of why a particular employee deserved $X salary just for being an employee for 10 years when another employee did more for less. Or worse, two people with same title in same team making $10,000 different in salary and the higher paid one was usually the lazier/dumber/insert-unfair-comparison-here one. Those meetings got fun.

 

Once you're engaged or married, you'll have DINK thrown your way as an obvious reason why you can do something they can't, too.

Message 39 of 47
Frequent Contributor

Re: How do I deal with people shaming me for being financially sound


@iced wrote:

Once you're engaged or married, you'll have DINK thrown your way as an obvious reason why you can do something they can't, too.


 

I get DINK'ed all the time, as my wife and I dont have kids by choice. But yet the "other side" is always complaining and want me to join them.

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Message 40 of 47
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