A lie of omission is still a lie....right?

[Anonymous]

First, some background:  My boyfriend and I have been together almost 8 years, and have lived together for 7.  For various reasons, there are trust issues on both sides, but we have settled into a pretty comfortable place, and I have accepted that he will always keep parts of his life from me, and that isn't going to change (one reason marriage is off the table). For the first 4-5 years of our relationship I made more money. Not a lot more, but still more. We keep our money seperate. We have pretty much always split bills 50/50, but we freely ask each other for money if needed, and we don't keep score when it comes to date nights, etc.  About 2 years ago I was out of work for 10 months, and I couldn't afford my 50% while on disablility, so he paid the difference.  No problem. 

Fast forward 2 years:  I have a GREAT job, and he does as well.  I really never asked, but from the way he talks about his money, I assumed we made about the same amount now (which is far more than previously for both of us).  We still split 50/50, but I fully fund my 401k, my IRA, and have a small emergency fund going. After my savings and paying debt, I am pretty much tapped out.   I just found out that he makes almost DOUBLE what I make.  And he has zero saved.  Nada.  Retirement is my biggest concern, as I am planning for it, and he is not.  He talks about starting, but talk doesn't compound.

My question is do have any basis for being upset?  Our money is not combined, and nothing has changed execept me being nosy.  Neither of us plan on going anywhere--in fact, we talk about our retirement all the time.  We are also looking to purchase a house in the next 12-18 months.  Again--everything would be split.  Paying his portion of our joint bills is not one of our issues, lol. Although he needs to step to it if he is going to have 1/2 of the down.

I guess I just feel as though I have been lied to.  But I never asked. I tell him how much I make, but he never asks--I'm just a far more transparent person.  Should I just get over it?

[Anonymous]

You said  "I guess I just feel as though I have been lied to.  But I never asked. I tell him how much I make, but he never asks--I'm just a far more transparent person.  Should I just get over it?"

You said you never asked so you can be upset for a minute, but get over it.  Don't hold it against him.  I think you should rather sit with him and discuss the importance of having a retirement account.  Maybe he just doesn't understand why it is needed?  You should dig deeper and find out why and try to get him to start it.

[Anonymous]

I agree, since you never really asked I don't think you can hold it against him.  One thing I wonder- why did you assume you both made about the same? Did he say or do something to lead you to that conclusion? That may sway my opinion a bit. Before buying a house I do think the two of you should have an open conversation about what you want and what each of you can afford, since he has more income. Many who maintain separate accounts divide the bills more along the lines of the income division as opposed to 50/50.

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

I agree, since you never really asked I don't think you can hold it against him.  One thing I wonder- why did you assume you both made about the same? Did he say or do something to lead you to that conclusion? That may sway my opinion a bit.

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It's hard to say why I thought that...mainly because he still expected me to contribute my 50% if I had something like a car repair, etc.  I think the biggest reason is I always tell him if I got a raise, and what my salary is, etc.  I just assumed.  And I was wrong.  But the point could all be moot as of today.  Remember all that crap I said above about a comfortable place, and talking about houses and retirement.  Yeah.  I may be done.    All is good.  Sometimes you just go with your gut.  (and no, it has nothing to do with money, lol)

[Anonymous]

True.  Hard to be mad at someone if you never ask.  I have been married forever and my hubby stilld doesn't get it.  I take care of all bills and his cc's included.  I make sure we have money in the bank.  I think he would just keep on spending and thinking it's just growing in there.  Some men are just that way and some are totally the opposite.  Nothing much we can do but take the reins.  He has a good job and we also have a small business together.  He is a hard worker.  Only missed maybe 2 days in his entire life so far.  If your significant other has doubled his income, he might have doubled his repsonsiblity and that could keep him very busy in his head.  I know mine can get that way when there's a quota to meet and you have to get everything done.  You guys have been together a long time and that should say something.  One thing my dad still tells me, don't take everything so serious.  He's a guy, so he should know, right?   

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it all works out for the best. 

[IOBA]

So the next question is, what it is happening next?

Are you still going to buy a house together?

Are you going to ask him to take on more of the financial responsibility since he has the larger income and you are TAPPED out at the end of the month?

[Anonymous]

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@IOBA wrote:

So the next question is, what it is happening next?

Are you still going to buy a house together?

Are you going to ask him to take on more of the financial responsibility since he has the larger income and you are TAPPED out at the end of the month?

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Reread post 4. I think she is done with him. 

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

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@IOBA wrote:

So the next question is, what it is happening next?

Are you still going to buy a house together?

Are you going to ask him to take on more of the financial responsibility since he has the larger income and you are TAPPED out at the end of the month?

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Reread post 4. I think she is done with him. 

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I don't know what the heck I am going to do.  As far as finances, if we stay together then yes, I think we do need to look at reshuffling some expenses.  And I need to think long and hard to decided if qualifying for a "better" house is in my long term best interest.  I would do just fine in a Townhouse alone   I always tell people don't go looking for something you don't want to find.....I should probably take my own advice.    

Thanks for the replies--I agree--if this was the only issue in our relationship then I probably should get over it as I never asked.  Now, I'm over it as it may not matter...

[Anonymous]

But if there is something to find, ignorance is not bliss. You deserve the truth, and you deserve someone you can trust in all aspects of your life. Stay strong, and make the best decision for you.