Argumenting about fixing credit

[jbsea]

Unbelievable, I can’t believe that I could ever have this argument.   So last year in about July I had app for a secured cc.  I was denied.  It really kind of woke me up but I was getting married in a month so really I had no time to deal with it. I did however find out that my fico score was 543.

Well after we get back from our honeymoon and things come down a bit I wanted to get back to my credit and see if I could get a card from anyone but nothing was happening. 

So then I found myfico.  (This would have been around November) Here I learned about credit, what to do, what not to do and most of all how everything I do affects my credit.  So I jumped in and found some secured cards and added my DW to them as AU.  (By the way her credit was in the low 600’s)

So she got mad because she thought that I had used her credit to get the cards and when I told her how I got them she was mad that I had used my money to get secured cards.  Well fast forward to late January I was able to get the non-secured versions of the cards and get my cash back.  Then I also was able to get another card with a much higher limit which really helps in the utilization department.

In all this time that she has been on my cards I have been able to raise my score 60+ points.  But by adding her I was also able to raise hers 31 points.  I found a open collections on her account that I will try to start to fix here in the next few days….

But the problem is that she gets mad every time we talk about this kind of stuff.  She wants me to talk about it with her but she will NEVER say yes she is in to try to fix anything.  She thinks getting credit cards are bad (We had paid off all of hers with a lot of the money we got for our wedding) and she does not understand the value of having good credit.  She thinks that we are doing fine without it and no effort needs to be put into it.

Never in my life did I think that I would get in a argument for trying to do the right thing, especially about money.  At some point I would like to refinance the house, and get a new care.  It would be nice to go in and not get denied or have to pay 25% interest. 

 I guess I’m just letting off steam but really, how can this be a problem?

[Gunnar419]

Wow, I'm sorry you are in that position especially when you're newly married. It's great you're beginning to address your credit and I hope you and your wife are soon able to find a calm way to discuss this.

I'm seeing more than one red flag, though. Aside from what seems to be her fears about credit in general, it sounds as if you started the process out without consulting her at all, yet at the same time you involved her, both by adding her as an AU and by (so it sounds) spending jointly owned money to make deposits on the secured cards.

If I'm understanding that rightly (and please correct me if I'm not), then it sounds as if you were very well intentioned but terribly undiplomatic in the way you started. So immediately, she's scared, on the defensive, and feels she's being forced into something she doesn't want.

It sounds as if she does need to get over her fears and misunderstandings about credit, but you are in desperate need of better ways to communicate. You can't just force things on her, even when they seem like obvious good ideas to you.

I'm hoping someone else will chime in with ideas for how you guys can get some helpful counseling from a reliable outside source because it sounds as if the two of you are likely to continue to butt heads unless you can get a neutral party to help you communicate and plan better TOGETHER.

[jbsea]

Yes you are correct i do need to explain better why I'm doing the things that I do and I agree that I do want her "in" on the fixing of our credit.  Although I did not use any of her money to do the secured CC.  Now it can be argured that anything that I have received AFTER we got married was "OURS" but it is money that I had received from stocks that I have had long before we every got together.

But that being said talking with her would be better.  My only thing is that she does not see this as any kind of priortiy and that if it were up to her it would always be pushed back to sometime later.  I would like to get this all cleaned up before we NEED to have credit.  I'm embarrased if we have to ask anyone for money because we dont have the credit to do it ourselfs.

[Gunnar419]

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@jbsea wrote:

Yes you are correct i do need to explain better why I'm doing the things that I do and I agree that I do want her "in" on the fixing of our credit.  Although I did not use any of her money to do the secured CC.  Now it can be argured that anything that I have received AFTER we got married was "OURS" but it is money that I had received from stocks that I have had long before we every got together.

But that being said talking with her would be better.  My only thing is that she does not see this as any kind of priortiy and that if it were up to her it would always be pushed back to sometime later.  I would like to get this all cleaned up before we NEED to have credit.  I'm embarrased if we have to ask anyone for money because we dont have the credit to do it ourselfs.

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Absolutely hear you on wanting to clear up your credit long before you need to app for a mortgage or buy a new car! It's a great idea.

It's too bad she doesn't see this as a priority, but let me make a suggestion. This isn't (and shouldn't be) about you "explaining better why you're doing the things you do." Now, certainly you can clear up your own credit without her collaboration if you want to. But since the journey you're embarking on concerns both your financial futures, ideally you should both be completely bought into the idea, even if one of you does the most work on it. Saying, "Honey, this is what we're GOING to do" is off-putting even if you then explain why.

I know it might be hard to get her to understand, buy into the idea, and feel comfortable. But I can almost guarantee that as long as you present this as a decision that YOU are making and all she can do is accept your decisions and go along with them, she'll resist.

That's why I suggest you find a third party, knowledgeable about both personal finance and communication between couples to help your MUTUAL communication.

Good luck!

[Gunnar419]

Also, just as she needs to understand the importance of good credit, it would help your case if you took some time to understand and work with her fears and her misapprehensions. Not to lecture her or tell her how things ought to be, but to understand where she's coming from.

[jbsea]

lol, I thought everyone would be on my side   Ok I am not sure if we are to the point of bringing in a 3rd party.  But you are right that I do need to really understand where she is coming from.  As I was thinking about this I guess it would be best if we both sat down and decided together how we can approach this and the steps we need to take.  The hard part for me is I think that I get frustrated easily and then I just don't want to deal with it.  But as I can see from everyones replys that it is my communication skills that I really need to work on.  I do love my DW and I do want this to be a joint journey that we succeed in together. And of all the things I don't want to worry about in our future is our credit and finances. 

[Gunnar419]

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@jbsea wrote:

lol, I thought everyone would be on my side   Ok I am not sure if we are to the point of bringing in a 3rd party.  But you are right that I do need to really understand where she is coming from.  As I was thinking about this I guess it would be best if we both sat down and decided together how we can approach this and the steps we need to take.  The hard part for me is I think that I get frustrated easily and then I just don't want to deal with it.  But as I can see from everyones replys that it is my communication skills that I really need to work on.  I do love my DW and I do want this to be a joint journey that we succeed in together. And of all the things I don't want to worry about in our future is our credit and finances. 

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Good for you! With that attitude you and DW should be off to a great start.

[youdontkillmoney]

I guess the "honeymoon" is over and it is time to face reality. What you did technically improved both of your scores, the results, but the means in terms of doing it as a couple versus alone and "behind her back" without fully explaining how everything works, you punted. Your DW seems to have very very strong emotional feelings about credit and perhaps is even ashamed of her baddies so this fuels the emotional anger.

I would suggest to her that you both, together, take a class on personal finances at a local community college, so the both of you in a non threatening, educational environment can plan the seed of personal financial planning.

[Journeygod]

myFico Jeopardy!!!

1. Religion

2. Child rearing

3. Money

Answer: Name 3 things you should discuss before getting married!!!

[Duke84]

I consider my fiancee as my CFO because she is very financially savvy. She has historically always paid her bills on time, budgets well, and has built a savings. However, she is COMPLETELY uninformed about credit. How it works, what the scores entail, everything.

I'm like you, where I'm doing everything to rebuild my credit so that when the time comes for us to get a mortgage, we have no problems. Before, I used to hate talking about my financial picture because my man pride got in the way and I wanted to go it alone. I had to work on my communication and let her in.

With that said, you should suggest sitting down and taking some type of personal finance class. This way, you both know what it will take to make that next major purchase: credit and a solid budget.

She may well be uninformed as to what it takes to get credit. However, if you can show her these forums, the wealth of knowledge that is available, you should be able to get her to open up and begin learning about credit and how, now that you both are married, your financial decisions will impact both of you.