At a loss...spouse lied about paying bills

[Revelate]

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@Hamaron wrote:

Thank you...I didn't distrust her to make the change; she didn't trust herself to do it. Since then I have put almost every bill on auto pay. No more late bills, ever. I asked her tonight after reading an excerpt of your message if she would be comfortable with handling the money...and she said, "No." Now understand that she is an educated person, with a Master's degree in a fast growing medical field. She is a professor at a local private University. She knows how to handle herself, and she knows how she cowers at the thought of handling the finances. Just because a person is amazing and gifted in one area doesn't mean they are amazing and gifted in all areas. I am an electrical engineer and have been steadily employed for two decades. We are doing fine, it's just fixing our credit that's been damaged... I'm at 679 and she's at 650. I was able to buy a new full size car in December without trouble (I put a large cash down payment on it). Our costs month to month are stable and under control. We're not in massive debt aside from student loans and have managed to pay off two credit cards since I originally posted. But these things take time. I'm not going to throw away a marriage because of a hang up about money.

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Dude, complete props for actually discussing the issue to both you and her.  

Relationships aren't easy, and they're about compromise: there are millions of marriages which work just fine with one person handling the finances and I completely agree that excellence in one area doesn't guaruntee it anywhere else... I'd even go so far to state that brilliance in one place, almost always winds up being balanced with awkwardness to outright stupidity somewhere else.  

End of the day, if the two of you aren't stronger together than you are apart, why be in the relationship?  That isn't the case here from your description, so continue getting the finances sorted and in time you'll be fine: it's not that hard, it just takes time and patience but you have decent cash flow and that solves all sorts of things as you noted in the short-term.

[Reincarnated]

THAT IS COMPLETELY RUTHLESS WHAT SHE DID!

I am so sorry for your loss. Hearing this is disgusting. No one has any right to ruin another persons' credit/reputation. It's just not right.

That's great that you're in control now. Hopefully she realizes the consequences of her actions.

[Hamaron]

I understand what you're saying, but I don't agree. My wife is anything but ruthless. She didn't do it maliciously. Please, take a seat and avoid bringing vitriol into the thread. What's done is done and there are only repairs to be made. Keep in mind the date of my original post. Time heals many wounds, but thoughtful actions erase all pain.

[JoshNurse]

I am scared to get married now. I would get so mad if my wife made me get a delenquency on my credit report.  I wont be able to handle that type of stress so I guess I need to learn how to control myself or not get married.

I would have to take care of all of my bills and anything in my name.. I dont think I can trust anyone but myself to pay bills on time.  I hope I find the right person lol

[youdontkillmoney]

If you feel that strongly about it you can do the bills and if she also cares, she can review.

[Hamaron]

Just thought I'd give an update...

Since I purchased a new car in December and felt the rate was too high (5.6%), I checked with my local credit union and was able to secure a 2.75% loan. I also found my credit score had risen 79 points from 620 after the "occurance" to 699. My wife's is 680. So not too bad. We're not Credit Score geeks, so having perfect credit isn't a goal.

We are planning to buy a bigger home and have been advised that this will not be a problem. So that's good news.

[ChargeItPlease]

Glad to hear it. Sounds like you are doing well now.

[capitalkid]

Some folks just get too overwhelmed with the responsibilities, and some people just cant make a decision, or many decisions .  

    My dad and mom divorced because of this in 1978,  cross decision making resulting in things not getting paid/overdrawn. My mother though to her credit was not a very forgiving person, still is not.  Pretty much 1 mistake and thats it kinda gal.  Anyway, for years after that my dad struggled to pay things, and really he didnt pay anything until it was shut off, I remember the boxes of unopened bills boxes and boxes of them when I was a kid.  Just bad at organizing and managing them, He made great pay in the Sheet Metal Union so he was not without resources, just could not manage.

    When I learned how all this works, spending years on myfico as my guide, I started to show him small things that can help him slowly and he manages very well now.  I introduced things in small bites and he did the rest. He got his first credit card last year (at age 66) and he is so proud of his card.  He also, for the first time in his life now knows how to manage a budget.  

    In 1978 there was no Ebill Service, debit card, or auto bill pay or overdraft protection.  No room for error in a checkbook without penalty.  Looking back I think if my dad had digital money management available to him, there may never have been a divorce.   

I think you are making the right changes, take it over for now, maybe she can come around to do it later.  Good Luck!

[youdontkillmoney]

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@capitalkid wrote:

Some folks just get too overwhelmed with the responsibilities, and some people just cant make a decision, or many decisions .  

    My dad and mom divorced because of this in 1978,  cross decision making resulting in things not getting paid/overdrawn. My mother though to her credit was not a very forgiving person, still is not.  Pretty much 1 mistake and thats it kinda gal.  Anyway, for years after that my dad struggled to pay things, and really he didnt pay anything until it was shut off, I remember the boxes of unopened bills boxes and boxes of them when I was a kid.  Just bad at organizing and managing them, He made great pay in the Sheet Metal Union so he was not without resources, just could not manage.

    When I learned how all this works, spending years on myfico as my guide, I started to show him small things that can help him slowly and he manages very well now.  I introduced things in small bites and he did the rest. He got his first credit card last year (at age 66) and he is so proud of his card.  He also, for the first time in his life now knows how to manage a budget.  

    In 1978 there was no Ebill Service, debit card, or auto bill pay or overdraft protection.  No room for error in a checkbook without penalty.  Looking back I think if my dad had digital money management available to him, there may never have been a divorce.   

I think you are making the right changes, take it over for now, maybe she can come around to do it later.  Good Luck!

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^^^^

That's a nice uplifting story about your dad, glad it worked out for him in the end and his accomplishments. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Hello. I'm sorry that you are having problems. 

Are there any tasks that you can give her to compensate for you taking over the finances. I would pull her credit reports to see if she has some accounts that you don't know about. I would do an audit of all household expenditures to see just how deep it goes. Remember there are bills we have that don't appear on our credit report. Good luck!!