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At what point do you give up?

Established Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

It is very difficult for anyone else to decide when your marriage is over. But if you are already not wanting to go home it is a very bad sign.  You are definitely on 2 different tracks in life. I second all the advice to cut her off from your money and freeze reports so she can't do any damage to your name. If she has cards in her name, make sure she is paying those out of her money since she will just charge it back up if you pay it for her.


Most importantly, the two of you need to sit down and have a long, hard, serious conversation about how she spends and why she spends that way. Make sure she knows that you are feeling like you can't stay if things continue. She needs to know the extent of the damage she is doing. If you can get her to open up, you may stand a chance of repairing the damage.

Giving up on the images for now

Stepped out of the garden 10/9/16

Message 11 of 32
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

abnormalspring wrote:

I am going to take TheVig advice and see how she reacts.


If she is willing to get onboard then things may go well if things go downhill then I will evaluate the situation at the time. Thank you both for the advice.

You are welcome and good decision.  Let us know how it goes.

Message 12 of 32
Established Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

 This story strikes a chord with me...  My fiancee's parents are in the exact same boat.  Dad worked for the railroad, mom was basically a homemaker, but had a hair business "on the side."  He was also making very good money.


 They had to file for BK13 as well because she couldn't stop spending.  In her case, it was HSN and craft shows and gifts for other people, nothing for THEM.  It got so bad that their daughter had to buy their groceries sometimes.


 Thd daughter finally talked Dad into forcing them both into financial counseling, and things got better for a little while, but eventually the wife decided she was better and stopped going, and of course the spending is going up and up again.  Her dad never really took control of the finances like he was supposed to.


 I hope your conversation with your wife goes well.  It seems obvious that she has to have access to money severely limited.  There needs to be provisions for emergencies while you are traveling, of course, but this could be in the form of a debit card to which you keep at a certain balance.  Have that be the one and only shared account.


 And set up and stick to financial counseling.  You both will learn things... hopefully her to spend more wisely and you to reduce how much you enable that spending (even if unintentionally).


 As others have said, only you can decide when "enough is enough."  If you get to that point, you'll need to make sure to get all your financial ducks in a row before you file.

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Message 13 of 32
Super Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

abnormalspring wrote:


Me and my wife filed bankruptcy together. Mainly because I had a 6 year old Garnishment catch up to me I had forgotten about. But my wife had a terrible amount of credit card dept I made $76,000 the year before we filed I only had $26,000 in living expenses and I took away her cards and was trying to pay them down and I couldnt figure out why or how she owed so much. Well $50,000 later i found out she had re ordered and they were pretty much maxed again so I gave up and we filed bankruptcy.


Now that it is discharged things were starting to look better till I checked our account and found she had spent $5,000 in one month and we nolonger have an emergency fund / savings and her new cards are maxed out.


I have tried everything to get her to calm down and learn to budget but nothing works and the money and financial problems we had before are coming back.


The financial stress she is causing is unbearable I work a 21/7 sechedual and I skipped my week home so I am working 42 straight day just because i dont want to be at the house anymore.


So my thoughts are at what point should I say financial managment and a budget or im done?


I would be happy if she budgeted everything and had a catagory for $100,000 wasteful spending a month because atleast it was budgeted and I could work with her to get the category brought down.

I think, from what you've described, that she needs some sort of counseling.



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Message 14 of 32
Super Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

Very hard situation and the posters in this thread have really brought out some good points. Want to add, we think we can "change" the other person. Often times when dealing with additions we really end up "care taking" and "enabling" the addictive behavioral pattern. Counseling was mentioned as an option. Leaving may have also been eluded too. The major frustration is getting the person to accept their behavior and acquire a desire to change. Without it you end up on a temporary basis for recovery but not a life changing pattern of behavior. Like dieting where the person knocks of 50 pounds and nine months later puts it all back on because they really could not live the life style it takes to keep the weight off. Wish you only the best as I have had to change my life for an addiction and I did permanently change my life style so I would not revert back to the old ways an addiction.
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Message 15 of 32
Valued Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

This budget talks made me think of how to control her spending.  One business I owned in the 8o's had stores in 4 states.  I typically would go out of town 2 or 3 days a week. I had a seperate checking account and debt card that  no one else could sign on just for travel.  At the first of the month I put more more money   into it but it kept it away from personal money and I knew down to the dime how much "travel" money I had and kept it out of household money.  She could have a little account no one else on it for grocery,  gas so forth and the account gets replaced 1st of every month.  

Message 16 of 32
New Member

Re: At what point do you give up?

Messy and very complicated. You have put up with a lot. I cant put myself in your situation, but from what youve told us, i would divest myself ASAP.


You dont have kids together. If she is not willing to change after counselling etc, you have to look out for yourself. Youre working too hard and it sucks to see it all go to waste.

Message 17 of 32
New Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

I want to tell you to run hard and fast, but hmmmmm... I'm a healthcare professional and I seriously wonder if she has something else going on like bipolar disorder.
Message 18 of 32
Regular Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?



I am thinking the same.  I am bipolar, and impulsive addiction behavior is a big part of that.  When someone is undiagnosed, they are often seen as purposefully doing these things, but it is a way of coping. Getting the help she seems to need could drastically change this pattern and the dynamics of your relationship. Just a thought. 

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Message 19 of 32
Established Contributor

Re: At what point do you give up?

abnormalspring wrote:

Yes she has a job she only works a few hours a day to get out of the house. As in her gross income for 2016 was $9,000

I looked at the statement and it's all to walmart and coffee shops. I have no idea as I saw nothing new around the house.

She says she has no idea how she spent that much and most of it had to be me started face palming at this point.

We have been married for 3 years and we have 4 kids "well I married into 4 kids".

I believe she just looks sees there is money and decides it's okay to spend. I switched my checks into a new account but that takes two weeks and in the mean time $675 is due for rent and we don't have it and I have grossed nearly 11k this year already.

I just don't understand we're t all went and makes the overtime I work feel pointless.

2 months $11,000 at 19.95 an hour she has me working my self to death at 70 hour weeks. I am working to save so much because I wanted to buy a house 1/1/17 no matter my credit score with a nice enough down payment. But now it just seems like a lost cause. 

OMG you married a single mother with 4 kids, my deepest condolences.

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Message 20 of 32