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Child support flip-flop question...?

Contributor

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?

Have you considered the possability of talking with her about establishing a college fund for your son? One that you both could agree to contribute towards. Maybe point out that fact that since she makes more than you then she should contribute a certain percentage more than yourself. Just a thought.

Message 11 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?


@BrutalBodyShots wrote:

@A1CreditI don't understand the need to go after her for child support.  Why don't you have a conversation with the mother of your child and explain your feelings?  Open communication is very important.  I could understand if you proposed to lower the amount you provide for her and put the money you save into savings but to try and extract money from her seems a little petty.  It does not matter if she moved away if she is still caring for the child and is an active part of the child's life.

 

It seems like you guys have a decent relationship and are able to co-parent very well.  Why rock the boat just to try and even the score?  Nothing in life is ever truly even as I'm sure you know.  I'm not sure if you had a bad break-up with the mom or not but it seems that way since you seem to have a negative view of her that comes through your post.  I also noticed you stated that you don't need it so why are you thinking of pushing the issue?  The money you save from not paying her the same amount can go into savings.  You don't know what she has saved for the child because you have probably never asked and just assumed.  If you are concerned, maybe you should discuss the need for saving for your son with the money and come to an agreement.


I never said there was a "need to go after" child support from her.  I can assure you she has not saved a single penny for him though, as she's gone from $0 to over 5-figures in CC debt due to spending on herself.  There was never a "need" for her to receive child support from me other than to fund her spending habits [on herself].  My son never saw any of that money.  She doesn't even cook him real meals, barely buys him any clothes or anything like that.  The only reason she asked me for child support when she moved away was because, "you make X more than me, so you have to pay me Y per month."  Using her own logic, wouldn't that mean if she now makes X more than me that she'd expect to pay me Y per month?  Of course not, because we're going to pay the double standard game and bring up how Mom is always > Dad. 


If there was no need then why did you make this post?  I'm sure she has always had these issues but yet a child was made.  Did you think she would change overnight?  And just how would she be able to pay you child support if she owes all of this money?  I guess that is none of your concern, right? Although I'm sure she will need money to care for the child while he is with her. You are missing the big picture.  It does not matter that she asked you to pay child support and you paid.  You don't get kudos for that.  If you said no, and she was forced to take you to court, you would have paid if she was deemed the custodial parent.  You skipped over a lot that I said and focused on what you wanted.  I never mentioned a double standard anywhere or mentioned moms being better than dads.  That is your issue obviously and you can continue to have that chip on your shoulder if you want but it only hurts your child.  

 

Is your child healthy?  Fed and clothed?  Does she mistreat him?  If you answered yes, yes, and no then what is the issue?  There probably aren't any aside from your personal issues with her.  You bring up her credit problems as if you have never had any yourself.

***Gardening 3/29/2018 until 9/25/2018***

FICO 8 Scores: EQ~692 l TU~657 l EX~669
Message 12 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?


@BrutalBodyShots wrote:

@A1Credit

And just so you know it doesn't matter if she makes more than you, the non-custodial parent is still obligated to pay the custodial parent.


And as of now, neither of us is the custodial parent.  If there was a custodial parent, though, (if we went to court) I can say with 100% conviction that it would be me.


I hope she really knows who she is dealing with.  And just so you know, in the court of law, nothing is ever a guarantee.  All of this over a need to even the score.  WOW!

***Gardening 3/29/2018 until 9/25/2018***

FICO 8 Scores: EQ~692 l TU~657 l EX~669
Message 13 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?


@BrutalBodyShots wrote:

@A1Credit

This is why I encourage people to actually have it court ordered so people aren't allowed to do what you are trying to do.  It's wrong. You shouldn't try to all of a sudden "switch it up." She probably would have gotten more from you had she went to court but agreed to handle it amongst you two, but now you are trying to get back what you paid and that is unfair.  You also seem to hold it against her because she moved out of state, although her moving probably allowed her to get a better job and led to this $20k increase, which then allowed you to lower your child support payments.  You need to look at the big picture and not get hung up on your feelings and your need to even the score.  You sound jealous and petty and I don't say that to be mean or rude.

 

If I were her, I wouldn't trust you.  You may even be thinking of going to court now to establish custody just so you can extract more money and use all of this against her.  A total blindside.


You're passing quite a bit of judgement here, so I'd advise you to think before you write.  Perhaps I'll shed some more light for you.  First, she would not have gotten dime more from me had we gone to court, as I figured the amount based on my income and a 50/50 custody split.  The fact that it turned out to not be a 50/50 split would have actually resulted in her getting nothing from me according to my lawyer.  I'm not trying to "get back what I paid" at all, I'm trying to provide for my son as best I can.  Due to paying her X/mo for the last 12+ months, money that could have gone toward my son whether it be providing for him today or saving for his future went to her clothes and sneakers.  And yes, I do hold it against her that she moved out of state, because it's unfair to my 6 year old son to have to commute 1.5 hours on a train once a week to see her, or for him to have to get up at 5:30AM on school days he's with her to commute 2 hours in a car for him to go to school when I live 1/4 mile away from the school and he can sleep until 8AM on school days he's with me.  On school days he's with her he's completely shot and falling asleep by late afternoon; he can't do homework or even enjoy life.  It's unfair to his quality of life.  Judges have the child's best interest in mind.  I think you'd be very hard-pressed to find any judge that would feel such a routine was fair to the child in this case and if it ever came down to it, I have little doubt that I would get him for the entire school week.  It has nothing to do with me being hung up on feelings or trying to even any score... it has 100% to do with the best interest of my son. 


I passed judgement on the information you initially provided.  Maybe you should have provided more information in your post if you wanted it considered.  Obviously you wanted an amen corner and someone to tell you you're right in what you are thinking and not true opinions, thoughts and advice although you posted a question on a message board.  I've given my opinion, which you have a right to adhere or ignore.  I'm done, maybe others that think like you will provide the support you are looking for.  Good day!

***Gardening 3/29/2018 until 9/25/2018***

FICO 8 Scores: EQ~692 l TU~657 l EX~669
Message 14 of 17
Established Contributor

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?


@RedBeard44 wrote:

Have you considered the possability of talking with her about establishing a college fund for your son? One that you both could agree to contribute towards. Maybe point out that fact that since she makes more than you then she should contribute a certain percentage more than yourself. Just a thought.


I suggested a conversation and open communication but that was ignored and the focus was once again placed on the mom and how terrible she is.

***Gardening 3/29/2018 until 9/25/2018***

FICO 8 Scores: EQ~692 l TU~657 l EX~669
Message 15 of 17
Super Contributor

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?


@A1Credit

I suggested a conversation and open communication but that was ignored and the focus was once again placed on the mom and how terrible she is.


If you read my original post, there was no discussion of how terrible the mom is.  The conversation only went there after you passed judgement and assumed the things you wanted to (without asking any questions) in your initial replies to my original post.  Then after I provided more information (which required me defending myself and mentioning his mom's shortcomings) your only response was "well, you should have included more details originally."  Then, even after knowing more details, you too hung up on arguing rather than being impartial at this point.

Message 16 of 17
Moderator

Re: Child support flip-flop question...?

And with all this this thread is closed to further comments.
"If there's a lack of money in your life, understand that feeling worried, envious, jealous, disappointed, discouraged, doubtful or fearful about money can never bring more money to you, because those feelings come from a lack of gratitude for the money you have."

"Reactions are powerful creators because they contain every element needed to manifest—they're a combination of thought, belief, and feeling in action. Positive reactions create more positive things, and negative reactions create more negative things. If you can respond to negative situations calmly and lightly, instead of with emotional turbulence, what happens next in your life will be so much better."

- Rhonda Byrne

Message 17 of 17