Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?

[DogwoodLynx]

How early in the relationship did the subject of money/personal finance come up? Were there challenges initially? Has it been easier or harder to manage money since meeting your SO? 

Im trying to get back in the dating world. Lol

Thanks!

[MarkintheHV]

We had our discussion after marriage.  I was the one who was not very responsible (bills paid, but no savings), she was the miser.  Luckily, she got me on the right track and everything has worked out.  Looking back, I would say to have the discussion about the time things started to get serious.  If I were dating, I do not think I would be open to having that discussion with someone that I was not serious about spending the rest of my life with.

[txwallflower]

This was my experience.  Hopefully you will not put yourself in the same position I did. I moved across the country for my job so didn't know anyone or had any family near me.  I met my BF at work. He was divorced, no children.  I was single, no children. Mid-30's. He owned a home in the suburbs and I rented an apartment downtown. After a year of dating we got engaged. We had never discussed finances since we were not living together. We paid our own bills.

He was also in the Army reserves but to get the promotion he wanted he needed to attend Officier Candidate School for a year which wasn't located where we lived. So I moved out of my apartment and into his house since after we were married that is where we would live. To be honest I didn't like the house or the location but it was fine for now.  He continued to pay the mortgage/insurance and I paid the utility/water  bills which allowed me to save toward the wedding.

When he graduated and came home was when I first tried to have a discussion with him about the wedding/honeymoon expenses.  He said he would try to save some money. Total cost was 40K as he is not a lay on the beach kind of guy so we spent almost a month on an African safari. My parent gave us 10k and his parents paid for the rehearsal dinner.  Everything else went on my credit cards as I dealt with getting the venue, caterers, booked the honeymoon.  He provided some imput just not any financial input.  Red Flag #1.

Since I had always been single up to this time I tried to have a discussion with him about our finances since we are now a married couple.  We didn't have a joint account for household expenses.  He was still paying everything for the house like he did when single.  I knew his job at work but did not know his income.  But I knew my job paid more. He just did not want to talk about money.  I suggested a joint account that we'd fund for the household expenses based on a percentage of our pay and keep our individual accounts.  It took a while and we did eventually get a joint account but he insisted we "fund" it evenly.  Add up all the household expenses and divide by 2 even though our income varied.  Red Flag #2

We discussed having children and I said we need a plan for that.  I wanted us to go talk to a financial advisor for that as well as saving to eventually move to a bigger house.  He wanted none of it.  I finally dragged him to one.  He sat there and didn't say anything.  Red Flag #3.

By now I was really frustrated. I felt like I was the only one in this marriage. There was a lot of deferred mainteance need in the house and yard and he just couldn't find the time to complete any of it. I knew he was depressed and tried to get him to talk to me but he blew me off.

After 3 years I had enough and when he was away for the weekend on reserve duty I moved out. The furniture we bought for the house, ON MY CREDIT CARDS, came with me. He came home to an almost empty house.

He ended up going to counseling on his own. He realized he messed up and wanted me back. Since we still worked for the same employer I would see him at work.  He asked if I would go with him to counseling together.  This was about 4 months after I left him.  I agreed. I showed up to the appointment and met him outside so we walked in together.  When checking in at the receptionist's desk, she asked who was going to pay for the appointment.  Apparently my lovely husband had used up all of his mental health benefits so I had to "pay for this visit". That was the only time I went.

I filed pro bono but it took me 7 months before he would sign the divorce papers.  He still believed we could "work this out". Not if I wanted my financial and mental health intact.

My story is a long way to tell you in hindsight, at least by the time we got engaged, we needed a finacial discussion. It would have save me 4 years of having to pay 30k for a marriage that wasn't going to work since one party refused to talk about finances.  I never did find out what his salary was.

[DogwoodLynx]

@txwallflower Thank you for sharing your story. That sounds awful, and I hope you have since moved on to greener pastures. 

Looking back, did any of your friends or family see the red flags before you did? 

[txwallflower]

---

@DogwoodLynx wrote:

@txwallflower Thank you for sharing your story. That sounds awful, and I hope you have since moved on to greener pastures. 

Looking back, did any of your friends or family see the red flags before you did? 

My family lived 1,000 miles away.  They only saw him a couple times before the wedding and a couple times after.  The last time we went to my parents my sister knew something was off but didn't say anything to me at the time.  After I told my family we were getting a divorce my sister said she wasn't surprised. That my husband looked like he had "checked out" of the marriage.

His sister and her family lived close to us and we spent time with them.  They were lovely but sis protected her brother.  A few years after I moved for my job I joined a non-profit Arts organization as a way to meet people and eventually was on the board for the annual 2 night Black-Tie fundraiser.  I was dating my future husband at the time and he came to some of the events. After we got married he stated " I hope you don't expect me to join any committees". Sigh..  I had questions why I was attending meetings without him.  I just thought ok this will be my thing.  We will find something we both like to do together. That never really happened.  When dating, we went out to dinner, movies, charity events.  Visit some of his friends spent time with his sister and her family.  That kinda slowed down after we got married.

DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS!!  Things are better.  Ironically he got married to one of his sister's friends and she called me literally on Christmas Eve wanting my opinion if she should marry my ex.  Very interesting phone call.  She married him and they have 2 kids.  Still together.

I just wish I could have understood his reasons for not wanting to talk to me about finances. A relationship or marriage that isn't built on trust and open communication will not last.

Good for you to jump back into the dating pool.  I hope you find someone special that's worthy of you.

[GatorGuy]

When my wife and me first started dating we came from two very different backgrounds and had very different money habits. We were both young, so our parents habits had a lot of influence over us. I came from a household that constantly would have credit cards declined and would have to check balances before writing checks. She was raised by two accountants and had excellent financial discipline. We did not really talk about finances until we were engaged and then delve deep into discussing our different habits and plans. It became apparent very quickly just how different we were.

Now we've been married for so long I'm the one that manages all of our finances from our bills to credit to investments. It can be hard to get her to sit down and talk about some things. She would prefer me to just handle everything.

Money is a top 5 reason for divorce so I would strongly recommend you broach the subject before marriage. 

[disdreamin]

Another vote for talking before you marry. In-depth talks about philosophies on debt, insurance, investing, saving, and specifically about finances related to children if you plan on having them. Kids are expensive AF and they require planning or they will sink you; I've watched it happen to a lot of couples over the years.

My SO and I lived together prior to marriage and had a chance to see how each of us handled our finances before combining them. SO owned the house, I moved in and paid rent until we were married, after that we split bills. SO came from a rather priviledged background relative to mine, so our resources/support and upbringing were very different. I  had significant student loans that I continued to pay on my own after marriage, SO was debt free. We combined funds for household expenses, but I worked a second job for years to pay off the student loans since they were my debt.

Married over 20 years now and still going strong. At this point all day-to-day finances are handled by me. SO checks in periodically and is aware of all major decisions, and we run all large individual-item purchases by each other (~$250+ unless it's a gift that has been budgeted for). Sometimes I feel like I have too much control over our finances, but SO seems happy with it and the bills get paid so it seems to be working.

[Chazzay12]

This is a great topic. 

Before being married I was reckless and careless with my finances and credit. When I met my wife it put a lot into perspective for me, and she was very organized and well put together with her money. She never had credit but was responsible with her finances. She helped me focus and get organized about my spending and habits. She's a massive penny pincher unless it's some ice cream or chocolate 🤣 

3 years later we have a son and she is a stay at home mom. I pay all the bills and she has access to some accounts and I talk her ear off about our finances and credit stuff. I'm glad I can take some of the load off here and talk to others in here about stuff my income is only 55k but it's enough for us, and I'm expecting a heavy raise soon(10-15k). I'm also finishing up my degree now. We are both in our mid/late 20s.

I work from home as well. That was all maybe more information haha but the only thing we haven't done is get a joint account together because I'm blacklisted from Cheksystems for another 3-4years and she won't leave Wells Fargo to join PenFed. We keep about 2k in her account as a savings. Other than that she knows most of what is going on. She took a Dave Ramsey class years ago and doesn't understand credit cards can be used responsibility for rewards but I'm slowly showing her haha. 

[PullingMeSoftly]

DW and I didn't have any substantive financial convo's until after marriage and living together. We had to make some early sacrifices in my career to finish grad school and she was super helpful with taking on a lot of our expenses during those early years. A lot of the financial discussions were centered around just making it from month to month while raising our first kiddo. Once we gained momentum and I was able to get into my professional career, then I ran with the ball at that point and have been in the provider role since. DW has been an amazing family manager, so we've just utilized our strengths to move forward as a team and get the kiddos raised with good heads and hearts. Very difficult years at first, but nowadays enjoying the rewards of raising a family. 

Now our financial convo's are centered around which cards i ask DW to use, and getting her to use the right ones at the right times (using charts, stickers, phone notes, and other ongoing strategies lol). She absolutely will not play my rotator game, so I've got her on a 4-card setup that never changes! (Which means I'll be paying the BCP AF inddefinitely haha)

[DogwoodLynx]

---

@PullingMeSoftly wrote:

DW and I didn't have any substantive financial convo's until after marriage and living together. We had to make some early sacrifices in my career to finish grad school and she was super helpful with taking on a lot of our expenses during those early years. A lot of the financial discussions were centered around just making it from month to month while raising our first kiddo. Once we gained momentum and I was able to get into my professional career, then I ran with the ball at that point and have been in the provider role since. DW has been an amazing family manager, so we've just utilized our strengths to move forward as a team and get the kiddos raised with good heads and hearts. Very difficult years at first, but nowadays enjoying the rewards of raising a family. 

Now our financial convo's are centered around which cards i ask DW to use, and getting her to use the right ones at the right times (using charts, stickers, phone notes, and other ongoing strategies lol). She absolutely will not play my rotator game, so I've got her on a 4-card setup that never changes! (Which means I'll be paying the BCP AF inddefinitely haha)

---

Thats awesome that you guys were able to work as a team through all that. Ive watched friends and family that couldnt. 

Thanks for the input.