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Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?

PNWRambler
Regular Contributor

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?

Disagreements on money is one of the top causes of divorce, I think it should be brought up in a general sense (not specific numbers) very early on in the dating process. And discussed more thoroughly and specifically along the way.  The more your views differ, the more important this is.  If you live a debt-free "Dave Ramsey" lifestyle and your potential partner is a doctor with $650,000 in student loans, you don't want to wait to discuss this until you're married...  

 

This is what I did. We discussed, in a general sense, living below your means and planning for retirement and basic concepts pretty early on. A ways into the relationship we talked about ideal size of savings account, and our views on how to use debt and when it was appropriate (mortgage is fine, credit card debt isn't ideal, etc). By the time we were close to getting engaged we started to talk more specific numbers. And after getting engaged we did a mock up budget together, listed all our separate bills and expenses for each other, and discussed long-term financial goals.  We started sharing all the specifics and running larger purchases past each other. By the time we married and combined finances there were no surprises and it was a surprisingly smooth process. There were a few things we disagreed on in the early stages but we had plenty of time to see each other's point of view and find a place to meet in the middle before marriage & combining finances.

 

YMMV but I think this is the best way to handle things. Money is one of the top causes of divorce; I would personally wait to get married until I could manage to be on the same page about money.  

Message 11 of 17
hrdsurfer
New Contributor

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?

My SO and I have kind of similar attitudes about money, but she is much more conservative than I am when it comes to spending. I don't carry any debt that I can't pay off, but she definitely does more saving than I do, but she makes more money, although we both do very well. 

 

The one big issue that we had was when we started looking for a house. We had already lived together for a year at that point, but never really had an in depth money talk.

 

She knew that I had some pretty serious personal issues before we met. (Lost multiple jobs and went into rehab.) I told her all that on the second date, and made it clear that I was starting over with nothing. I never brought up my bk7 until it was time to buy a house. Part of me just didn't think it was relevant before then, and I was kind of hoping that we would hold off long enough that it wouldn't be an issue. 

 

Well, it was a huge issue for her. We almost broke up over it. It got very nasty. We went on a vacation that we had scheduled and either fought or ignored eachother the entire time. She came from a place that didn't even have bankruptcy laws until recently and she thought it was only used by crooks and deadbeats. And that meant that she couldn't trust me, and that I was financially ruined and could never recover. On top of that she had a very different attitude towards debt. The concept of a 30ys mortgage was completely foreign to her, and she was really scared of doing that in her name. I think she had been counting on the fact that I would do that for us, and now I wouldn't be able to. 

 

The only way we moved past it was with time, and going even deeper into my finances, and with some more education on her part. Once I was ae to show her my finances, and she learned about how bk works here, the situation became much calmer. FF to today, and we're building a new housebthat will be finished around the end of the year, and she'll be the sole borrower on the home, while I take care of the general credit card stuff since she can't really open any new accounts. 

 

I regret that we had to go through all that, but I'm not really sure what a better time would have been to bring it up. Judging by how mad she got, I'm not sure she would have been very receptive to learning about what bk really is here if she had less time invested in the relationship. I don't know that for sure, and it might not be fair for me to just assume that, but it's the feeling that I get.

 

Looking back, I think the most important thing I've earned is that you have to have understanding and education. I had to understand why it was a much bigger deal to her than I thought it would be. After that it was just a matter of education on the matter. Once she was able to talk to her financial people, and hear it from someone other than me, it really helped alleviate some of her concerns. 

 

I'm sure it won't be the last money fight we'll have, but I am also sure as of right now there's nothing else I'm hiding, and that feels pretty good. 

Bk7 2019 current: Interior FCU 25K SL, Venture x 15k SL, bread cb 9k, Amazon store card 7k mercury 4.5k, c1 plat. 4k
Message 12 of 17
DogwoodLynx
Frequent Contributor

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?


@hrdsurfer wrote:

My SO and I have kind of similar attitudes about money, but she is much more conservative than I am when it comes to spending. I don't carry any debt that I can't pay off, but she definitely does more saving than I do, but she makes more money, although we both do very well. 

 

The one big issue that we had was when we started looking for a house. We had already lived together for a year at that point, but never really had an in depth money talk.

 

She knew that I had some pretty serious personal issues before we met. (Lost multiple jobs and went into rehab.) I told her all that on the second date, and made it clear that I was starting over with nothing. I never brought up my bk7 until it was time to buy a house. Part of me just didn't think it was relevant before then, and I was kind of hoping that we would hold off long enough that it wouldn't be an issue. 

 

Well, it was a huge issue for her. We almost broke up over it. It got very nasty. We went on a vacation that we had scheduled and either fought or ignored eachother the entire time. She came from a place that didn't even have bankruptcy laws until recently and she thought it was only used by crooks and deadbeats. And that meant that she couldn't trust me, and that I was financially ruined and could never recover. On top of that she had a very different attitude towards debt. The concept of a 30ys mortgage was completely foreign to her, and she was really scared of doing that in her name. I think she had been counting on the fact that I would do that for us, and now I wouldn't be able to. 

 

The only way we moved past it was with time, and going even deeper into my finances, and with some more education on her part. Once I was ae to show her my finances, and she learned about how bk works here, the situation became much calmer. FF to today, and we're building a new housebthat will be finished around the end of the year, and she'll be the sole borrower on the home, while I take care of the general credit card stuff since she can't really open any new accounts. 

 

I regret that we had to go through all that, but I'm not really sure what a better time would have been to bring it up. Judging by how mad she got, I'm not sure she would have been very receptive to learning about what bk really is here if she had less time invested in the relationship. I don't know that for sure, and it might not be fair for me to just assume that, but it's the feeling that I get.

 

Looking back, I think the most important thing I've earned is that you have to have understanding and education. I had to understand why it was a much bigger deal to her than I thought it would be. After that it was just a matter of education on the matter. Once she was able to talk to her financial people, and hear it from someone other than me, it really helped alleviate some of her concerns. 

 

I'm sure it won't be the last money fight we'll have, but I am also sure as of right now there's nothing else I'm hiding, and that feels pretty good. 


Thanks for sharing your story with me. You guys sound like the communication is good in your relationship which is one of the most important.

 

I am in the very beginning stages of a potential relationship now. It will be the first relationship I have had as a person in recovery myself - financially and mental health/substances. 

Siggy updated Jan 20 2023
Chapter 7 BK discharge: 12/19/22
Inquiries: 7/6mo 7/12mo 10/24mo (3 drop off Dec 2023) – Latest inquiry: NFCU - Approved 01/23
Financial Goals: Start a publishing business and heal my credit report with time and good payment history
“You’re never gonna make the shots you don’t take, so you might as well fire away!” – Little Big Town (music group)

Message 13 of 17
hrdsurfer
New Contributor

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?


@DogwoodLynx wrote:

@hrdsurfer wrote:

My SO and I have kind of similar attitudes about money, but she is much more conservative than I am when it comes to spending. I don't carry any debt that I can't pay off, but she definitely does more saving than I do, but she makes more money, although we both do very well. 

 

The one big issue that we had was when we started looking for a house. We had already lived together for a year at that point, but never really had an in depth money talk.

 

She knew that I had some pretty serious personal issues before we met. (Lost multiple jobs and went into rehab.) I told her all that on the second date, and made it clear that I was starting over with nothing. I never brought up my bk7 until it was time to buy a house. Part of me just didn't think it was relevant before then, and I was kind of hoping that we would hold off long enough that it wouldn't be an issue. 

 

Well, it was a huge issue for her. We almost broke up over it. It got very nasty. We went on a vacation that we had scheduled and either fought or ignored eachother the entire time. She came from a place that didn't even have bankruptcy laws until recently and she thought it was only used by crooks and deadbeats. And that meant that she couldn't trust me, and that I was financially ruined and could never recover. On top of that she had a very different attitude towards debt. The concept of a 30ys mortgage was completely foreign to her, and she was really scared of doing that in her name. I think she had been counting on the fact that I would do that for us, and now I wouldn't be able to. 

 

The only way we moved past it was with time, and going even deeper into my finances, and with some more education on her part. Once I was ae to show her my finances, and she learned about how bk works here, the situation became much calmer. FF to today, and we're building a new housebthat will be finished around the end of the year, and she'll be the sole borrower on the home, while I take care of the general credit card stuff since she can't really open any new accounts. 

 

I regret that we had to go through all that, but I'm not really sure what a better time would have been to bring it up. Judging by how mad she got, I'm not sure she would have been very receptive to learning about what bk really is here if she had less time invested in the relationship. I don't know that for sure, and it might not be fair for me to just assume that, but it's the feeling that I get.

 

Looking back, I think the most important thing I've earned is that you have to have understanding and education. I had to understand why it was a much bigger deal to her than I thought it would be. After that it was just a matter of education on the matter. Once she was able to talk to her financial people, and hear it from someone other than me, it really helped alleviate some of her concerns. 

 

I'm sure it won't be the last money fight we'll have, but I am also sure as of right now there's nothing else I'm hiding, and that feels pretty good. 


Thanks for sharing your story with me. You guys sound like the communication is good in your relationship which is one of the most important.

 

I am in the very beginning stages of a potential relationship now. It will be the first relationship I have had as a person in recovery myself - financially and mental health/substances. 


That's great! 

 

Im lucky to have found someone was that was willing to take a chance on me. If it's the right person they'll make the recovery bit 100x easier. Won't even have to think about it, which is a nice change of pace in the beginning when it's all you can think about.

Bk7 2019 current: Interior FCU 25K SL, Venture x 15k SL, bread cb 9k, Amazon store card 7k mercury 4.5k, c1 plat. 4k
Message 14 of 17
OniStringer
Regular Contributor

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?

I think in the beginning you just do what you do, and let your partner do their own thing. If the relationship gets more serious and you begin to share expenses and bills. I think it should be 50/50 unless a partner chooses to be in charge or is clear and cut the more responsible one. And by 50/50 I don't mean like splitting bills, but just 50/50 taking responsibility on making sure due dates are hit, savings are made, etc. 

 

In the end, all relationships are different. I know in my relationship I take care of it all . 

Started with LOW 500s - Actively rebuilding as of early 2019

Message 15 of 17
QuarterB35
Member

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?

We have sep. accounts no issues

Message 16 of 17
iced
Valued Contributor

Re: Do you and your SO have similar beliefs around money?


@DogwoodLynx wrote:

How early in the relationship did the subject of money/personal finance come up? Were there challenges initially? Has it been easier or harder to manage money since meeting your SO? 

 

Im trying to get back in the dating world. Lol

 

Thanks!


Couple months in, though we were basically assessing one another's financial habits from date one. We would have never got to the living together phase of the relationship without a clear agreement on money. 

 

Money has been easier/about the same because we made sure we were compatible.

 

My first marriage was a complete disaster in large part because we were young and didn't think about financial habits prior to getting together. It helped me make sure I was looking out for poor spending habits and impulses early on in future dating.

Message 17 of 17
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