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Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

Regular Contributor

Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

Hello All,

Been on this forum for a few years and have really started to clean  up my credit! Still some work to do but am in a WAY better position than I was 3 years ago.

 

Fast forward to now- I am engaged to a fantastic guy who owns his own house, and has his own car with financing so has to have some knowledge of credit right?

 

Last night- I found out he hasn't paid his mortgage in two months. This is the 3rd time I've had to have a conversation about the importance of bills being paid on time, as now it affects BOTH of us. He didn't tell me he was behind, and that is also a big issue for me, as I do make more money and would have helped out. Which he knows.

 

I know that he makes just enough to cover bills and a has just a little bit of dispoable income after, so I just don't know if I should be making a huge deal about this as I am, or if I should just make an effort to sit down with him twice a month to get him on track.

 

He is contrite, feels terrible, and has an awful day with my being upset with him. But I can't help feeling frustrated and also like I'm babysitting.

 

Any married couples want to weigh in?!?!?

Message 1 of 9
8 REPLIES
Regular Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me


Istherehope wrote:

Hello All,

Been on this forum for a few years and have really started to clean  up my credit! Still some work to do but am in a WAY better position than I was 3 years ago.

 

Fast forward to now- I am engaged to a fantastic guy who owns his own house, and has his own car with financing so has to have some knowledge of credit right?

 

Last night- I found out he hasn't paid his mortgage in two months. This is the 3rd time I've had to have a conversation about the importance of bills being paid on time, as now it affects BOTH of us. He didn't tell me he was behind, and that is also a big issue for me, as I do make more money and would have helped out. Which he knows.

 

I know that he makes just enough to cover bills and a has just a little bit of dispoable income after, so I just don't know if I should be making a huge deal about this as I am, or if I should just make an effort to sit down with him twice a month to get him on track.

 

He is contrite, feels terrible, and has an awful day with my being upset with him. But I can't help feeling frustrated and also like I'm babysitting.

 

Any married couples want to weigh in?!?!?


I'm not married, but speaking from a guy's point of view, we typically don't want to ask for assistance from our partner, even if she makes more money, because it just makes us feel "less of a man." A lot of it has to do with pride and ego.

 

I understand that you're frustrated with him being late, but you should try to speak to him in a positive way and not get upset with him because that will only make matters worse.

 

He already feels bad about the situation, there's no need to rub it in or belittle him. Just have open communication and figure out what's going on.

 

You mentioned that he should have enough money leftover even after all the bills. Has something changed with his income or spending habits?


EX08: 731 | EQBankcard08: 752 | TU08: 803 | Total Utilization: 1% | Total Credit Limit: $26,900
Message 2 of 9
Valued Member

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

How about educating him about credit or stress the importance of credit in a positive manner. If he does not mind, maybe agree to take over the bills that would take away a lot

of the stress and come back at the end of the month and let him know what's been paid. This has work for me and my wife, i pay all bills!!

Message 3 of 9
Frequent Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

I pay all the bills in my house, otherwise, nothing would get paid on time. We have a weird set up where things are joint but separate, like we can transfer money between each other's accounts, but he doesn't use my account for anything and I don't use his. So, all the husband is responsible for is transferring money over to our retirement accounts and sinking funds (for things like insurance premiums, car maintenance, and replacement car funds), and I still end up having to remind him to do it. I would lose my mind if he touched anything else. Haha. 

 

But my sister is having a similar problem as you with her husband. They just got married, and all while they were dating and engaged, he wasn't completely open about his finances. He paid things late. He paid things every other month sometimes. He had no idea how much he even owed on his credit cards. It was crazy. 

 

What she did while they were engaged was help him get organized, so he would at least know when all of his due dates are and get his bills paid on time. Now that they're married, she finally has him trying on a budget (we're all nerdy numbers people in my family), so maybe now they can get his debt paid off and his bills completely under control. 

 

Some people just need help with things like this, though you definitely don't want to feel like you're babysitting him! If he will let you, sit down with him and write out a budget for his expenses and put all of his due dates on a calendar. See if you can start getting him organized now so you'll have a little bit less of headache when you're married. When people aren't on a budget, sometimes money just gets lost because we spend it without really knowing where it's going. If he's budget averse, just ask him to try it. I was very budget averse until I started following it. Then it was like, GUILT FREE SPENDING WHOO! Within certain perimeters, of course. LOL! Now I think budgets are great! Smiley Very Happy

 

♠Queen of Spades♠
Message 4 of 9
Established Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

I'm the bill-payer in my relationship too. My SO was terrible with bills and balancing accounts when we first got together, and it was too stressful for me to watch and wonder. SO is the kind of person who believes the bank balance when at the ATM. Smiley Frustrated So it might be worthwhile to consider going that route since you two are headed toward permanent cohabitation. Also, if you do already live together (not sure), what about paying part of the bills to alleviate some of the stress on him if his income and debt make things really tight? If you don't live together, perhaps talk to him about what would help him; maybe less expensive dates, going dutch - assuming you don't already do that, whatever.

 

All that said, overextending onelself is obviously not a good thing, which is sounds like he might have done. I'd be very concerned about that and have a good game plan in place moving forward.

Replanted a seedling 5/9/2015.
Message 5 of 9
Regular Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

You all are so helpful. thank you!

 

We did sit down this weekend and I got him set up on auto bill pay through his bank. He wasn't doing that at all.

He also agreed to sit back down every payday and look at what needs to be paid and go through it together. He admits that he got behind and does want help getting back on track.

 

So that willingness does make me feel better. I have also agreed (as I make more money) to pay a bit more into our joint bills so he can get back on track and aligned again.

 

I think I freaked out because I remember how many issues I had getting credit when I had bad credit and I don't want to marry into that! I think we need to spend more time being open about finances/bills and like you all said, be positive about it rather than negative and also educate him a bit more on credit impact.

Message 6 of 9
Established Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me


Istherehope wrote:

You all are so helpful. thank you!

 

We did sit down this weekend and I got him set up on auto bill pay through his bank. He wasn't doing that at all.

He also agreed to sit back down every payday and look at what needs to be paid and go through it together. He admits that he got behind and does want help getting back on track.

 

So that willingness does make me feel better. I have also agreed (as I make more money) to pay a bit more into our joint bills so he can get back on track and aligned again.

 

I think I freaked out because I remember how many issues I had getting credit when I had bad credit and I don't want to marry into that! I think we need to spend more time being open about finances/bills and like you all said, be positive about it rather than negative and also educate him a bit more on credit impact.


For joint bills, perhaps consider doing it by income percentage if you aren't already: for example, if you make 60% of your joint income, you pay 60% of your joint bills. This might really help with the stress, and it makes for a very quantitative, non-confrontational way to determine what each person should contribute to joint bills. It still leaves you with more net income after bills are paid, so it's a very fair way to do it, IMO.

 

I'm so glad to hear that he sat down and talked with you. That is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING in any relationship, in my humble opinion. It is HUGE! It means you can work through things, both major and minor. Good luck, but it sounds like you are on the right track!

Replanted a seedling 5/9/2015.
Message 7 of 9
Regular Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

so sorry to hear this OP.

 

I have a serious boyfriend and we are planning to hopefully tie the knot next year (but first he needs to put a ring on it! LOL) anyways- I MANAGE all of his expenses INLCUDING his rent. Yup, I do and I have to because he is notrious to forget and before we got together he did not know how to manage his expenses. When we became serious, I took over everything he is no longer stressed on money and everything is paid on time. I think that would also be a good option when push comes to shove because if you guys are getting married, then you obviously would love to live in a home and not get evacuated Smiley Tongue just saying! 

 

Hope everything works out!


As of 08/24/16: EQ: 650 | TU: 677 | EX: 661
Message 8 of 9
Valued Contributor

Re: Fiance behind on bills-Didn't Tell me

I'm not married, but have dealt with this in a dating relationship. My girlfriend did not get how much effect not paying on time and wasting money was hurting. All I could do was keep explaining to her. Then, I helped her step by step to see the eventual results.

I think in your situation, he may not have told you because of outright being embarrassed. In this case, I wouldn't jump on him, but more or less make it a clean slate and ask for him to work with you and fix it together. It would be different if it was done on purpose, but I don't sense that. So I think it should be handled delicately.
                                                                  

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Message 9 of 9