@Anonymous wrote:
I don't want to comment on whether you should remain in a relationship with her because the heart wants what the heart wants and I disagree with your family about the definition of marriage. But, if you look at what I'm guessing is her take home pay, it looks like she's pretty far under 40% DTI and that's against take home, not gross. That's fairly healthy. Also, you mentioned her savings, but does she possibly have a large 401K through her company or something? Or, is she newly arrived at this salary? I have to say, based on the data you've provided, I don't think she needs to change anything. She has experienced great career success and is still young. Presumably she will continue to experience even greater success. She makes plenty of money to service that debt.
The DTI is deceptive. I'm looking at her expense list in the OP and thinking that's really high, and I make significantly more than she does. 401k alone isn't enough, particularly for people in middle to middle-upper brackets as she is. When one gets used to spending more per month, planning on a minimal Social Security + 401k retirement is going to result in shock when one actually retires and finds they have half their former income overnight. At $175k, maxing out an IRA, 401k, and HSA (if available) is the bare minimum. Taxes and such are also higher, and after withholdings my net pay is only about 35-40% of my gross.
The other red flag in here that DTI is a distraction from is the spending habits. Take the BMW as a good example: she bought a car she didn't need as a birthday present, and financed it over 6 years. This shows impulse (car on a near whim) and lack of foresight (6 year financing). If she was of sound financial mind, one of those two wouldn't have happened; she would have traded in her old car to offset the expense or she would have made a much larger down payment to bring the 6 years down to a 4 year loan (and likely with a better rate).
If this was a "I got a raise, let's go have fun" expenditure, that shows the impulsivity as well. When success shines on someone, the first order of business should be to save that success for a while, not spend it. Success can leave just as quickly as it came, and someone who immediately ups their expenses in response to an increase in salary exhibits the dangerous problem of never being able to make enough since no matter how much more she may make in the future, she seems to have the mindset to spend more to offset it.
The last red flag I'm concerned with is the justifications she's made to herself and is comfortable with. It sounds like she has no intention of changing her habits, and possibly even sees them as deserved or good. She doesn't even have one month's income saved, and she's ready to go out and spend more?
Finally, management in particular is a fleeting occupation: those at the very top (owners and CEOs) are one disaster away from losing their business and those in middle management are the "tallest blades of grass" and thus among the first to be cut when cost savings are needed. Before you pull the trigger on this, imagine life with her when she's making half what she does now: how will she handle the debt, the change in lifestyle, and the loss of income?
If the OP really loves her, he'll do what he does, consequences be damned. From where I sit though, this is a lifetime of financial stress and arguing waiting to happen. You can't expect her to change, so you'll need to either accept her spending problem or move on. You can certainly kiss financial independence and early retirement goodbye in such a marriage - she'll be working until she's too old or let go.
[2/2019]