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Holding Off A Commited Relationship

Established Contributor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship


@iced wrote:

@IMAWARE wrote:

I dont believe in the american dream, I am the most frugal person I know and I dont even engage in gift giving at xmas because I know its all marketing BS. My wife understands this. But she also grew up in a family where everyone shares gifts at xmas and her parents send her gifts at xmas. How long are you gonna ignore this year in year out and feel its normal? Check this section and you will find many threads where people entered into relationships thinking love, time and effort was all that was important only to run into serious money and budgeting problems. Dont take money out of the equation all together thinking your effort and time is going to win out because for all you know the girl you may be getting committed to might think that being in a  committed relationship means that you pay her phone bill every month!

 

On the basic level, both parties have to assume a certain level of fiduciary responsibility for this committed relationship to work long term. Just saying committed relationships dont cost money at all is thus a bit callous in my opinion because some people might take it as just that and feel its ok not have their financial affairs in order as long as they are committing time and effort which in themselves mean different things to different people.


 

If someone doesn't know whether the girl expects them to pay her phone bill or not before committing to a relationship, the problem is lack of communication, not money. Assuming fiduciary responsibility for yourself is not the same thing as having money, and it's possible for someone to have one and not the other.

 

Plenty of people with little/no money have happy relationships. Plenty of filthy rich people have miserable relationships. People who fight over money and break up over money would have fought or broken up over something else eventually. Fighting over money is a symptom, not the problem. In almost every relationship that fails, the real problem is a poor decision, poor communication, falling out of love, or lack of committment from one or both of the people involved.


 

A girl from way back asked to borrow money and said I'll pay you back my response? when asked if the person was able to pay the money back all I got was they had a check coming so ended with NO! the word often people feel bad to say. As it turned out the girl didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of ahaha. Smiley LOL this situation could have been in reverse the gender just happen to be a female I've read stories on here of males doing similar stuff. Smiley Wink

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Message 21 of 37
Established Contributor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship


@ABCD2199 wrote:

@CapCredit72 wrote:


I would have serious issues with anyone that can't support themselfs on a basic level like you just outlined. After all

when alone you need to support yourself I don't think anyone is suggesting you need a 6 figure income to be commited but

being able to hold your own apartment and being responsible with finances is key if you can't support yourself even at a basic level

then yes hold off getting involved you can't help anyone else... If you don't first help yourself now I know that sounds hard to swallow and maybe even mean but think about it how wonderful it can be if both people are able to not only support themselfs but also be in a relationship that's solid and one doesn't always have to put stress the relationship because someone isn't living up to their own needs on

a basic level food, shelter, etc. Smiley Very Happy


That's how I see it.  I went out on a single date with someone about 15 years ago and we had zero chemistry from the start but we are really good friends to this day -- she's in her mid-30s now, has never had a job where she's made more than $34,000 in a year and lives in a higher cost of living city and already owns her small apartment (no mortgage) and car (no loan) and has a FICO score in the 800s and has money in emergency fund and retirement.  She lives a really full life, too, but doesn't overspend.  It can be done on even $34,000 a year, you just have to obey the golden rule of budgeting.

 

I really like being with people who love themselves for good reason instead of a poor reason.  I think it's ok for a gal I date to be an egomaniac narcissist because she can say eff you to her boss and walk for a year or two without income.  I find it attractive because it means they're with me for more than my frugal budgeting skills, too.


34k a year and can actually budget that's very attractive IMO could easily have 15k and it would not be an issue

if they make less then I do... Reading books, Going to the Beach, Bike Riding, so many things can be enjoyed. Smiley Wink

 

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Message 22 of 37
Established Contributor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship


@iced wrote:

Forget what you see on TV or read on social media - it's all psychological BS meant to make you think you have to do something for love. If it wasn't for the scourge that is marketing, everything from proposing to pretty much every holiday (especially xmas) would be vastly different. The modern American Dream (kids, SUV, house with "open concept" kitchen) is literally a marketing scheme designed to get you to buy crap you didn't need. Don't let that disease spread by giving it your heart, too.


 There's a reason why its called a "dream."  Its something you strive for.  Happiness should be the number one thing to strive for, of course, but there's nothing wrong with wanting kids, an SUV and giant house and working towards those goals.  The key is to not make yourself miserable in the process, and not allow yourself to be suckered into thinking you have to have THAT dream in order to be "successful."

 

 For example, I would be unhappy with anything less than an mid-size SUV (or bigger).  But I'm a sportsman/outdoorsman, and have a wife and two dogs.  Going away to the cabin up north in the middle of nowhere with the boat for the weekend just wouldn't work in compact car.  But the key is that the SUV is a tool to achieve what makes me happy.  I don't have the SUV just for the sake of having it, and I prefer to stay in my older "closed concept" house because doing so costs less and lets me do more things things that make me happy.

 

 Of couse, these are not things I've over reached on soley for the purpose of attracting my wife or to impress my friends (in fact, many of my friends don't understand the appeal of going off the grid for the weekend).  Everyone needs to find their own dream that makes THEM happy, and forget about Keeping Up With the Jones' mentality!

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Message 23 of 37
Established Member

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship


@Dalmus wrote:

@iced wrote:

Forget what you see on TV or read on social media - it's all psychological BS meant to make you think you have to do something for love. If it wasn't for the scourge that is marketing, everything from proposing to pretty much every holiday (especially xmas) would be vastly different. The modern American Dream (kids, SUV, house with "open concept" kitchen) is literally a marketing scheme designed to get you to buy crap you didn't need. Don't let that disease spread by giving it your heart, too.


 There's a reason why its called a "dream."  Its something you strive for.  Happiness should be the number one thing to strive for, of course, but there's nothing wrong with wanting kids, an SUV and giant house and working towards those goals.  The key is to not make yourself miserable in the process, and not allow yourself to be suckered into thinking you have to have THAT dream in order to be "successful."

 

 For example, I would be unhappy with anything less than an mid-size SUV (or bigger).  But I'm a sportsman/outdoorsman, and have a wife and two dogs.  Going away to the cabin up north in the middle of nowhere with the boat for the weekend just wouldn't work in compact car.  But the key is that the SUV is a tool to achieve what makes me happy.  I don't have the SUV just for the sake of having it, and I prefer to stay in my older "closed concept" house because doing so costs less and lets me do more things things that make me happy.

 

 Of couse, these are not things I've over reached on soley for the purpose of attracting my wife or to impress my friends (in fact, many of my friends don't understand the appeal of going off the grid for the weekend).  Everyone needs to find their own dream that makes THEM happy, and forget about Keeping Up With the Jones' mentality!


I've dated but nothing serious simply being "closed concepted" money is a very big deal for me

spending it on someone would have to be small not major items if at all becasue she should have her

own money self-supportive type gal I've got no interest in her money but she should never be asking me

as someone said above to pay a phone bill that's not love however masked she might make it sound.

Message 24 of 37
Valued Member

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship

Haha, that's totally me right now. 

 

I was in a relationship for 7yrs and it ended about a year ago. I told myself that I don't want to date right now and just focus on that FICO score. Smiley Tongue

Message 25 of 37
Valued Member

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship

LOL it works for some ! hahaha
Message 26 of 37
Established Contributor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship


@CapCredit72 wrote:

@ABCD2199 wrote:

@CapCredit72 wrote:


I would have serious issues with anyone that can't support themselfs on a basic level like you just outlined. After all

when alone you need to support yourself I don't think anyone is suggesting you need a 6 figure income to be commited but

being able to hold your own apartment and being responsible with finances is key if you can't support yourself even at a basic level

then yes hold off getting involved you can't help anyone else... If you don't first help yourself now I know that sounds hard to swallow and maybe even mean but think about it how wonderful it can be if both people are able to not only support themselfs but also be in a relationship that's solid and one doesn't always have to put stress the relationship because someone isn't living up to their own needs on

a basic level food, shelter, etc. Smiley Very Happy


That's how I see it.  I went out on a single date with someone about 15 years ago and we had zero chemistry from the start but we are really good friends to this day -- she's in her mid-30s now, has never had a job where she's made more than $34,000 in a year and lives in a higher cost of living city and already owns her small apartment (no mortgage) and car (no loan) and has a FICO score in the 800s and has money in emergency fund and retirement.  She lives a really full life, too, but doesn't overspend.  It can be done on even $34,000 a year, you just have to obey the golden rule of budgeting.

 

I really like being with people who love themselves for good reason instead of a poor reason.  I think it's ok for a gal I date to be an egomaniac narcissist because she can say eff you to her boss and walk for a year or two without income.  I find it attractive because it means they're with me for more than my frugal budgeting skills, too.


34k a year and can actually budget that's very attractive IMO could easily have 15k and it would not be an issue

if they make less then I do... Reading books, Going to the Beach, Bike Riding, so many things can be enjoyed. Smiley Wink

 


I think it has a lot to do with location though.  40k in mobile AL is about the same as 72k in washington DC.

Message 27 of 37
New Visitor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship

Couldn't agree more with @pipeguy! When you are commited to a long-term relationship where kids and all the "family" concepts starts to come into play, I do not really think that the money expense balance share will be the first of your problems to deal with, there will be many more serious matters that you will focus your attention on, believe me, calculating every piece of expense in order to make it equitable and balanced for you and your partner won't matter anymore.

 

Nonetheless, as @pipeguy already mentioned (citated in the comment), if you keep tracking every last coin spent, and creating "discussions" out of it, you are really not prepared for a long-term relationship.

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Message 28 of 37
Valued Contributor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship

If money is keeping from a committed relationship what else will it do? Avoid going to the hospital and having a life saving operation because you don't want to pay the deduct? Walk to work  every day? Work all the holday overtime?   All the money in the world is not  going to buy you happiness and companionship  when you get older.   You cannot take it with you.  I have seen others in the same line of work as DW and myself do everything to cut corners and cheat their employees.  They have terrible reputtions as etxreme   tightwads. Interesting enough I think karma comes back on them because we out sell and out net them every year and several have folded and we took over their business clients. 

Dw and i simply ask how we would like to be treated. 

Message 29 of 37
Valued Contributor

Re: Holding Off A Commited Relationship


@Backwoods wrote:

If money is keeping from a committed relationship what else will it do? Avoid going to the hospital and having a life saving operation because you don't want to pay the deduct? Walk to work every day? Work all the holday overtime?   All the money in the world is not  going to buy you happiness and companionship  when you get older.   You cannot take it with you.  I have seen others in the same line of work as DW and myself do everything to cut corners and cheat their employees.  They have terrible reputtions as etxreme   tightwads. Interesting enough I think karma comes back on them because we out sell and out net them every year and several have folded and we took over their business clients. 

Dw and i simply ask how we would like to be treated. 


Hey now, some of us pay a premium to live somewhere where we can walk to work (and everywhere else we need to go) every day!

Message 30 of 37