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How do I make this work?

Your FICO® Scores can impact your loan interest rates, terms, approvals and more.
Established Contributor

Re: How do I make this work?

From reading this, the OP should definitely take full control of her money and credit cards to stop the damage and bleeding. However, please be careful as the spouse could flip on her as Bungalow mentioned. This is a possibilty. I hate to see this relationship play out but its more common than you think. At this stage, you are looking out for your kids wellbeing, even if it means leaving him. 

Message 21 of 30
Regular Contributor

Re: How do I make this work?

The spending is a symptom of a bigger problem. Him. I am currently cleaning up my life after financially ruining myself after years of substance abuse. I can only equate this to something similar. I used substances, your husband uses shopping. He just can't help himself. It would have been similar to handing me a bag of dope and saying "Hey, don't shoot this.". What would I have done? I would have shot it. For your husband it's shopping. You handing him credit cards and saying "Please don't use these" means nothing. He gets instant gratification. It's money to spend. He may get a high from it. You will not make him financially responsible. Isn't going to happen. The only way he sees the light is to admit there is a flaw in him somewhere that needs to be addressed. Unless you are going to babysit him 24/7. 

 

The way I see it is this. You have options

 

-Ignore it and keep going as you are

-Divorce

-Therapy. For him. Not couples therapy, but there is likely depression there that needs addressed.

-Take all finances out of his hands and hope for the best.

 

Now, I am not a saint, and I am not Mr. Flawless Credit. But through my own problems I have experience in what personality disorders and addiction can do to someone. Drugs, gambling, shopping, it's all the same. Different symptoms, same problem. He likely does not want to hurt you, but he just cannot control himself. Addiction issues put your own needs before everybody elses. 

 

I hope everything works out for you OP.

Message 22 of 30
Established Member

Re: How do I make this work?

I only have one word... budget.

If for 1 week you can keep track of how much you are spending and then sit down and go over your [Wants & Needs] and then times it by 4 this will give you an idea of how much you are spending and then you can decide on which bill is more important to pay. I had to go thru this when I went from $700,000 a year to $200.00 a week. It was a terrible shock to me not having all the things I thought I needed and it put me in a deep depression. If you are noticing these problems, you should take over the finances if you can and put him on a strict budget and yourself. After I went thru my depression and kept track of my wants and needs I realized I didn’t need to be paying a $800.00 per month cell phone bill for my teen daughter, also $350.00-$400.00 for all the cable channels. You dont want to get to a point where you are loosing your home, your car, having to change cell phone companies because you cant pay the bill. Also, dont be ashamed to buy one of those pre-paid cell phones and get on a budget of paying the same every month, a lot of those online cell phone places have plans for more the one phone.

I hope this helps and good luck.

STARTING SCORE: (05-01-2018) TU 584; EQ 597
CURRENT SCORE: (06-01-2018) TU 600; EQ 583; EX 552
GOAL: 800-850
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Message 23 of 30
Established Member

Re: How do I make this work?

I'm so sorry. I was you, 15 years ago. My ex ran up credit in my name without my knowledge. I just this year repaired my credit! That is 12 years of living cash basis. I couldn't even get utilities in my name! You can see my post by clicking on my icon if you're inclined.

My ex is a narcissist (diagnosed later) He was the same way. He only cared about himself. I AU him too, only to be maxed out. Then when I revoked AU, he undermined me by opening CC without my knowledge or consentn loans too. I got a divorce. Yes, we had young kids. Here I am today, home owner with good credit (and happily remarried to boot). The ex remarried and did the same thing to his new (now ex) wife.

My current husband also had an ex do this. He divorced her after only 1.8 years of marriage. They had 1 baby together. He's in the military and having bad outstanding debts can cost security clearance or even whether or not you get promoted, or even re-enlisted!

10 years is a very long time to put up with child like behavior. Marriage counseling is overdue, IMO. If he won't go, you know what you need to do.

In the meantime, have a heart-to-heart with yourself. You deserve, absolutely to be in a marriage that offers financial security and safety. As well as mutual respect, understanding, goals and dreams.

To cut to the financial aspect if i could go back in time, here is what I would do: revoke all AU effective immediately. Do not tell him you did so. Tell him they sent you Adverse action because all your CC are maxed out. Next: freeze all credit bureaus so what happened to me can'thappen to you. Next: open 2 new accounts, 1 checking and 1 savings. Do not inform him of this, do not add him.tell no one! Leave no paper trail and no digital trail on any home computers. Do not install the apps on your phone! Pay that savings first, whatever you can.. ideally min $100 a month. When it is time for income taxes, if still married and you get a refund.. have that refund Direct Deposit into that savings account he is not on. When he asks where the refund is, tell him you had an offset for unpaid debts (student debt or whatever) so they took it.. play it good so he believes you.

I hope this does not come across as cold. I mean no harm. I can vividly recall my experience and I wish I had done this so when the inevitable divorce came, I would have preserved my credit at least for an apartment and utilities, some savings to start over, and some of my dignity.

I wish you well in this difficult time. I completely empathize with this struggle. Peace to you and your family ❤
Message 24 of 30
Regular Contributor

Re: How do I make this work?

Great stuff here! Kudos for the fantastic advice you've given. I know all of this now (where were you when I needed you? haha).
Message 25 of 30
Regular Contributor

Re: How do I make this work?


@HouseGoals wrote:

I keep thinking that surely there are other people that have this figured out.  But we always seems to be drowning.  ....  It shouldn't be this hard.


Big hugs offered to you! That's a really stressful thing.

 

What other people have "figured out" is when you're partnered with someone who's being responsible, the financial stuff can be really easy. My fiance and I have been through MAJOR financial changes--him primary breadwinner, me primary breadwinner, renting, living on the streets, with family, medical bills, etc. He liked to be spendy as a stress reducer, and when he suddenly found himself dependant on my SSI income (which is purposefully designed to not be enough for one person to live off of, let alone two) he had to learn QUICK not to spend. So, I taught him.

 

The difference is he actually listens. He learns. Not because he wants to, but because he loves me enough and hates debt enough to be willing to put in the hard work. He made a few mistakes along the way, and he learned from them and resolved to not repeat them.

 

This is the factor I see missing from your posts. It's the magic ingredient. And if he's not willing to bring that magic ingredient to you, then there is no hope for change.

 

I'm so sorry. Smiley Sad

Message 26 of 30
Regular Contributor

Re: How do I make this work?


@Batsy

<SNIP!>The difference is he actually listens. He learns. Not because he wants to, but because he loves me enough and hates debt enough to be willing to put in the hard work. He made a few mistakes along the way, and he learned from them and resolved to not repeat them.

 

This is the factor I see missing from your posts. It's the magic ingredient. And if he's not willing to bring that magic ingredient to you, then there is no hope for change</SNIP!>


You're correct!!!  The main ingredient is, INDEED "L-O-V-E"... if it's no longer there, run!  Also, just WHO does he love and what does he love comes next - if you're his first answer, your problem is solved - your money and your credit is simply off-limits...PERIOD.  To me, if I were in the same situation he was in with my one and (so-far) only TRUE love, it's a no-brainer...I'm with my queen and love of my life 100%.

Message 27 of 30
Established Member

Re: How do I make this work?

I put certain people on as AU to help build their scores but I ALWAYS cut up the cards and they do not use the cards at all. That has worked for me.

I feel your pain.  I used to have a spouse like that....

Message 28 of 30
Member

Re: How do I make this work?

First question to ask yourself is "Do I want to stay with this man?". Regardless of what you decide you need to protect yourself and children immediately.

Remove him from your CC accounts. Now. Like , yesterday, now. Open bank accounts in your name only. Depending on expenses...figure out the percentage each of you equally should be contributing to bills. Collect his percentage every payday and pay the bills.

You have children and it's greater than the two of you. Also, you should not carry the brunt of the burden.

Sorry if this comes across as too forward. I only mean to support you. I'm worried about the financial future of you and your children.

I got married asecond time after being single many, many years. All my finamces are seperate and bills structured as I suggested to you. He's bad with money and I knew it. I can love him and still protect my son and I. Hope this helps!
Message 29 of 30
Moderator

Re: How do I make this work?

As the OP hasn't been back to the forums in over a year the thread is now locked and closed to new messages.

 

Anyone who wishes to continue to discuss the topic is welcome to start a new thread.

 

--UB

Message 30 of 30