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How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner

PandaGirl77
Regular Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner

 

I can tell you--from past experience--exactly what my ex would do when faced with a major expense: borrow the money from family...including me.

 

A few years ago, one of his brothers, the one I'm very close to, had come to visit me and while he was here we made a pact: don't lend the ex/brother any more money! Smiley Very Happy  The ex is older than both of us, and we just decided, you know, enough is enough. He had decades to plan for this, but CHOSE not to, even with me harping at him for 30 years. I'm just glad I was diligent about saving/investing for the future; those choices I made have served me well.

 

Your story really struck a chord with me! I don't think I have any actual advice to offer, other than--for your own sanity--stick to your "do not co-mingle finances" plan. I'm telling you from experience that that can lead to a LOT of angst and worry and anger. Maybe keep your finances separate, let him do as he will, and if things work out great for him along the way, great! If not, you're not financially tied together.

 

@SoCalGardener  very sound input for sure! Glad you had the support of the BIL, I keep things very private so it's nice to get the support and feedback here.  As far as the commingling, I'm certain I'd be in a state of panic daily and my sanity would be on the line absolutely. Like you said harping for 30 years...have to sound cliche here but you can lead a horse to water right! In this area I need to let go and focus on me. Also have an 18 yr old I am starting to REALLY educate about finances. I have done my best all along but him turning 18 was a game changer. I want to see him succeed with credit in his life. 


 





Message 11 of 20
PandaGirl77
Regular Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner

@calyx @Thank you for this! What a life experience. Im glad things turned around for you and you chose to change your path.  I certainly need to work on the gentle part. Im the 'let's git it done' type and attack things full bore. I believe that overwhelms him. It's helpful you pointed out that my way doesn't have to be HIS way but he CAN find an effective way should he choose to. And I can point in those directions without 'doing for'. I also love that business dinner idea!





Message 12 of 20
SoCalGardener
Established Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner


@PandaGirl77 wrote:

 

@SoCalGardener  very sound input for sure! Glad you had the support of the BIL, I keep things very private so it's nice to get the support and feedback here.  As far as the commingling, I'm certain I'd be in a state of panic daily and my sanity would be on the line absolutely. Like you said harping for 30 years...have to sound cliche here but you can lead a horse to water right! In this area I need to let go and focus on me. Also have an 18 yr old I am starting to REALLY educate about finances. I have done my best all along but him turning 18 was a game changer. I want to see him succeed with credit in his life. 


 


Living with financial stress, day in and day out, is NOT fun and I totally get why you don't want to set yourself up for that. Before I opened my own (not joint) bank accounts, I worried all the time--and with good reason! I can still picture the yellow NSF notices that would come by mail...ugh, I hated that.... My ex meant well...unfortunately, he was just really bad at bookkeeping. For example, in our checkbook register (you know, when people wrote checks?!) he'd enter an amount in the CREDIT/DEPOSIT column when it actually was a CHECK, adding it to the running total instead of subtracting it! You can surely imagine the results.

 

I also really understand wanting your son to be credit-savvy and do things the right way. I taught our daughter all about saving, working for a living, being independent, NEVER relying on someone else for financial support, being self-sufficient, handling credit responsibly, etc. I'm happy to say she and her husband have credit scores in the 800s! And they're teaching their two kids the same practices.

 

It'll be very interesting to see how things develop for you as time passes!

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Message 13 of 20
PandaGirl77
Regular Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner


@SoCalGardener wrote:

Living with financial stress, day in and day out, is NOT fun and I totally get why you don't want to set yourself up for that. Before I opened my own (not joint) bank accounts, I worried all the time--and with good reason! I can still picture the yellow NSF notices that would come by mail...ugh, I hated that.... My ex meant well...unfortunately, he was just really bad at bookkeeping. For example, in our checkbook register (you know, when people wrote checks?!) he'd enter an amount in the CREDIT/DEPOSIT column when it actually was a CHECK, adding it to the running total instead of subtracting it! You can surely imagine the results.

 

I also really understand wanting your son to be credit-savvy and do things the right way. I taught our daughter all about saving, working for a living, being independent, NEVER relying on someone else for financial support, being self-sufficient, handling credit responsibly, etc. I'm happy to say she and her husband have credit scores in the 800s! And they're teaching their two kids the same practices.

 

It'll be very interesting to see how things develop for you as time passes!


That's impressive! You taught your daughter well and she chose her life partner well!





Message 14 of 20
Kforce
Valued Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner

I am one who believes extremely few people learn from someone suggesting a plan.  He will need to fail,  or he will never learn and change.   Just walk away

 .. or ..

You would need to totally take over and manage his financed "Forever".  Like a pet parrot, the moment he is set free he would not realize his wings are clipped and hit the ground hard.

 

The problem is that when you care about someone it is often harder to let them fail than keep bailing them out.

 

Good Luck

 

Message 15 of 20
PandaGirl77
Regular Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner


@Kforce wrote:

I am one who believes extremely few people learn from someone suggesting a plan.  He will need to fail,  or he will never learn and change.   Just walk away

 .. or ..

You would need to totally take over and manage his financed "Forever".  Like a pet parrot, the moment he is set free he would not realize his wings are clipped and hit the ground hard.

 

The problem is that when you care about someone it is often harder to let them fail than keep bailing them out.

 

Good Luck

 


@Kforce @Thanks for that input and you're right about how hard it is not to keep being that security net.





Message 16 of 20
FishingGuy
Regular Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner

Well,  I would try to help him..... ask if he would like you to help.... or if you can help ( and even manage it for him ).... see what he says, 

He should be grateful for the concern and offer of assistance.    If he isn't..... dump him,  and go out with me.    lol   Smiley Happy

Message 17 of 20
Remedios
Moderator

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner


@FishingGuy wrote:

Well,  I would try to help him..... ask if he would like you to help.... or if you can help ( and even manage it for him ).... see what he says, 

He should be grateful for the concern and offer of assistance.    If he isn't..... dump him,  and go out with me.    lol   Smiley Happy


 

Please, don't. Just don't. 

Message 18 of 20
PandaGirl77
Regular Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner


@FishingGuy wrote:

Well,  I would try to help him..... ask if he would like you to help.... or if you can help ( and even manage it for him ).... see what he says, 

He should be grateful for the concern and offer of assistance.    If he isn't..... dump him,  and go out with me.    lol   Smiley Happy


🤣 thank you for lightening this up with some humor. Very cute 🤣





Message 19 of 20
loyalsudz
Contributor

Re: How to Cope W/ Financially Damaged Partner

Well, the first thing is not to think of the person who is a partner as damaged.  I respect that this is your relationship but to be blunt it would be better if you equalized things by getting on the same page.  They do not want to seem like a failure in your eyes, your partner wants your respect and love and you need each other.  Walk together and attend a basic finance class together either online side by side or at a bank or at church if they offer Financial Peace University, anything.  While it may be boring or unwise unnecessary to you, it may help you both and in the process, since your finances are separate anyways.  Remember to appreciate that at least they are trying to impress you by cutting up the card.  As you know, that is a first step in allowing your partner to clean up the mess.  They may already sense that you are disappointed and it is seems like a good idea.  Please hand them to scissors and make a cupcake or do a shot of wheat germ and celebrate.  It does not seem like they are asking for anything just trying meet you half-way.  Sounds like they never even asked to co-mingle just cut up a card.  That sounds simple enough to do.  Go for it!

Message 20 of 20
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