I had a relationship similar years ago. He spent, spent, spent. Not his fault his ccc charged him an over the limit fee. Not his fault his ccc charged him to raise his credit limit at his request. He never cared.
He expected me to take care of 4 children (foster), take care of the house, and work to bring home at least 80k a year in an area where minimum wage was the norm. (At the time, the area was very rural with the ONLY fast food place in town was McDonalds and the only store to shop for clothes and households was Walmart.) The income from foster kids was not very much at all and he kept it. To make 80k a year, I would have had to drive a minimum of 2 hours one way to get to work. (Again, rural area.) I was expected to purchase all of the food in the house, pay for any car gas I used, maintained the vehicle I used (it use to be mine, completely paid for, but he took the title and put it in his name.)
When I did get a daytime job (making minimum wage) that gave me the flexibility to work while the kids were in school (ages 6-16), I socked away as much money as I could. He found out 4 months into the gig and got me fired. (He physically prevented me from showing up to work.)
Long story short, I started selling off all of my possessions, we literally ran out of food in the house, and I refused to do into debt to pay the bills. I started doing any kind of work, even if it was below minimum wage, to get money. I still paid for food but got to the point of buying little at a time. I got out of there. I literally had the clothes on my back. Rented a room to start with. (Foster kids, for a variety of reasons, left.)
After I left, he kept bugging me for money. For a short period of time, I continued to buy groceries (there was one kid left), but I stopped. He needed some money for something. I told him to borrow it from his family, cash out his investments, or cash out his retirement fund. Of course, he refused and told me his mom wanted the money back that HE borrowed to buy me an engagement ring. Uh, that was years prior and the ring cost $130 not the 1k he wanted. Instead, he learned to forge my signature to get credit. (Nightmare. Decades later and still finding stuff popping up.) He eventually took out a retirement loan. He eventually lost his house. He eventually lost his job. (The kid was long gone before then.)
In my mind -- I have kids now and a stable relationship -- part of mommy obligations include providing a safe, stable, comfortable place for kids to grow up in. My kids learned how to budget, how to save, and how to manage their money. They learned about needs and wants. Do you want your kid(s) growing up around financial tension all the time? Anger and hatred? Learning that there are no devastating consequences to free spending? Repeating it's not my fault, but someone elses? Kids often repeat the behaviors they experience/they witness/they live as they grow up.
If your finances are not already separate, make them separate.
If your hubby and you have any joint cc, cancel them. Have cc in your name only that he is NOT AU.
If you have joint bank accounts, close them.
Change the beneficiary for your bank accounts and other assets, to include life insurance, to your kids.
Get a will done that states your kids inheriet everything from you - nothing to your husband. And list a guardian to manage things if the kids are under 18 yrs old.
Save up, get out. Or kick him out.
If you have a mortgage/house, get the buggers name off the deed as soon as possible. If he's not in the deed, he can't borrow against the house. (The x I mentioned above? We had a joint house. He was constantly refinancing behind my back and pull out thousands in cash. I got myself removed from that too. He pulled approximately 300-350k out of the house over the few years that real estate went bonkers. The house was foreclosed on. And I always made extra principle payments. It really hurt to walk away from the house, but my insanity and my safety was more important. It was a while before I could get to the point of buying again. And ya know, I have never made 80k a year, but that is ok.)
You can always come here and vent. We listen. Many of us have been there.
