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I have this friend....

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Valued Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

At some point when he can't keep paying she will leave.   Money causes many problems in relationships.

 

 

Message 11 of 21
Super Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

I used to be the type of guy who felt he needed to date women who needed rescuing from some situation until I realized hat I was really trying to rescue them from themselves.  Once your friend starts giving her money, it is game over for the relationship and if he is lucky, it ends sooner then later.  I would bet money that she actually prefers bad guys vs the nice guy too and he is being played in some way and will be another one of those nice guys left with a broken heart and someone elses debt or problem.  Been there and done that.

 

 

04/24/2019: FICO 849 EQ 845 TU 848 EX
Message 12 of 21
Regular Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

I'm 30, my DH is 26 and we've been together for 4 years. Got married last September. Smiley Happy

 

Every relationship is going to be different. It's a good thing that you mentioned your concerns, that's being a good friend. Now the only way to know whether or not your friend is making a mistake, is.....hindsight. It's just wait and see now. If your friend is making a mistake, then he will learn, and it's going to be okay.

 

My DH and I met when I was living on the streets, too disabled to work my entire adult life, income $733/month SSI. I had no savings (not allowed to under SSI or my income stops), no retirement, and $5,000 in debts to friends, who loaned me the cash to buy the van to live in to escape my previous bad living situation.

He had a retail job, no debt, and some savings. He insisted on paying for everything, and I let him. When I collapsed on the dance floor on our 3rd date, he moved in with me and became my caregiver. Our relationship was a delirium of New Relationship Energy. Most days were spent conversing and connecting so nonstop we eventually had to literally break from each others' presence for half an hour at a time just to eat, otherwise food sat cold for hours in front of us because we were so engulfed in each other. We were both losing weight we couldn't afford to lose. People said we were crazy to move in togehter so soon, people said he shouldn't be taking care of me so much, people said all sorts of things. But we were happy. Neither of us thought the relationship would last, and we spoke openly of such together, but by god we were gonna relish the moment for all it was worth while we had it.

And what they didn't see was while he provided the physical care I needed, I provided him mental/emotional support that he needed, and under each others' nurture, we both began to heal.

10 months into our relationship we survived a major car accident together. He lost his job due to his injuries. Suddenly we were living off just my $733/month. Suddenly I was paying for everything. DH had never before lived frugally, and the transition was painful for him. I think I told him "we can't afford that" several times a day during the next year as we recovered from our injuries. Surprisingly, i tnever strained our connection. We were just that compatible. When you can live 24/7 in a minivan with someone under significant medical and financial strain and still find complete bliss and safety in each others' arms, and the rare conflict addressed in a healthy, satisfying manner, you know you've got something.

Guess what? I became the primary breadwinner. He is still recovering from the accident 3 years later and despite several attempts, has not been able to hold down a job. I slowly managed to increase the amount I worked as my body healed, and got my first official job at age 27. I'm still not able to work full time, and I'm still disabled. But we are off the streets, own two vehicles and an RV free and clear, have nearly 14K in savings and are burning through my debts like wildfire. I started an IRA this year with a company match. DH still does odd gigs when he can, applies for jobs frequently and is working on his business ideas, as I'm also working on mine. 

I think the only time our connection suffered from finances is when he worked up credit card debt and concealed it from me....twice. That was rough. We worked through it. Other than that, the transitions have all been pretty seemless. A major reason I knew I wanted to marry him was because we navigated all these major life changes together so in sync, so easily, it was like no matter what chaos was happening in our lives our relationship was always the eye of the storm, perfect calm.

I guess that's a lot to share but I just wanted to demonstrate how sometimes standard advice just doesn't match up, and things can work out great even when you're going against sound wisdom. The only othe rthing I'd add is maybe suggest your friend ensures he has a 6 months' expenses buffer and is contributing 15% to a retirement plan before he helps his girlfriend with bills. After all, if he wants to be her safety net, he's going to want to have is own safety nets in order so he can provide that. Make sense?


Message 13 of 21
Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

If he won't listen to reason and you're a real friend...there's only one thing you can do to save your friend...

Get a female friend to contact his gf and claim she's sleeping with him. Possibly add in pregnant.

The situation should work itself out.



But yea...he views it as investing his money into something very worthwhile for great returns down the road. Sadly, investing in people is rarely a good financial move. Sometimes, you have to learn that lesson the hard way.

If she's actually trying to better her situation and seeking to get a job related to her degree (being unable to find a job with a practical bachelor's is very common these days...I have a lot of friends who went through that...and even then are clawing their way to a real income).
So, if retail is her only job option currently, at least she's working. But she ought to be looking, too/not settling.
If she's just being lazy, demanding lavish treatment/gifts/trips/etc....she isn't an adult & ready for a real relationship. Tell your friend yes--he is being a good boyfriend. But he needs to be aware of whether she's being a good girlfriend or a bad girlfriend. A good girlfriend would be thankful for all his support (letting her live with him, and thus eliminating her rent/utility bills) and not ask for many extra things. Going out for a date once every two weeks or so isn't being crazy. That is responsible (assuming it isn't a lux date) and is important for the relationship to not just be some terrible financial grind that sucks the joy out of their lives. Balance is important.

But if she's require stuff constantly...get that female friend to hop onto Facebook asap.
Message 14 of 21
Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

I appreciate everyone's advice, I've come to the conclusion that my friend is very stubborn(he's always right) does whatever he wants, I did put my opinion, now I have to just let him do his thing. Maybe it could work out best. He seems to be happy currently and I am glad. We don't really see eye to eye on some things. For example, just recently I went out and shot darts with a girl just for something to do and he told me that I'm kind of messed up for hanging out with a girl like that because I have a gf. Although my girlfriend and I are on the terms of basically hang out with whoever, the trust is there in both directions.

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Message 15 of 21
Regular Contributor

Re: I have this friend....


@Batsy wrote:

I'm 30, my DH is 26 and we've been together for 4 years. Got married last September. Smiley Happy

 

Every relationship is going to be different. It's a good thing that you mentioned your concerns, that's being a good friend. Now the only way to know whether or not your friend is making a mistake, is.....hindsight. It's just wait and see now. If your friend is making a mistake, then he will learn, and it's going to be okay.

 

My DH and I met when I was living on the streets, too disabled to work my entire adult life, income $733/month SSI. I had no savings (not allowed to under SSI or my income stops), no retirement, and $5,000 in debts to friends, who loaned me the cash to buy the van to live in to escape my previous bad living situation.

He had a retail job, no debt, and some savings. He insisted on paying for everything, and I let him. When I collapsed on the dance floor on our 3rd date, he moved in with me and became my caregiver. Our relationship was a delirium of New Relationship Energy. Most days were spent conversing and connecting so nonstop we eventually had to literally break from each others' presence for half an hour at a time just to eat, otherwise food sat cold for hours in front of us because we were so engulfed in each other. We were both losing weight we couldn't afford to lose. People said we were crazy to move in togehter so soon, people said he shouldn't be taking care of me so much, people said all sorts of things. But we were happy. Neither of us thought the relationship would last, and we spoke openly of such together, but by god we were gonna relish the moment for all it was worth while we had it.

And what they didn't see was while he provided the physical care I needed, I provided him mental/emotional support that he needed, and under each others' nurture, we both began to heal.

10 months into our relationship we survived a major car accident together. He lost his job due to his injuries. Suddenly we were living off just my $733/month. Suddenly I was paying for everything. DH had never before lived frugally, and the transition was painful for him. I think I told him "we can't afford that" several times a day during the next year as we recovered from our injuries. Surprisingly, i tnever strained our connection. We were just that compatible. When you can live 24/7 in a minivan with someone under significant medical and financial strain and still find complete bliss and safety in each others' arms, and the rare conflict addressed in a healthy, satisfying manner, you know you've got something.

Guess what? I became the primary breadwinner. He is still recovering from the accident 3 years later and despite several attempts, has not been able to hold down a job. I slowly managed to increase the amount I worked as my body healed, and got my first official job at age 27. I'm still not able to work full time, and I'm still disabled. But we are off the streets, own two vehicles and an RV free and clear, have nearly 14K in savings and are burning through my debts like wildfire. I started an IRA this year with a company match. DH still does odd gigs when he can, applies for jobs frequently and is working on his business ideas, as I'm also working on mine. 

I think the only time our connection suffered from finances is when he worked up credit card debt and concealed it from me....twice. That was rough. We worked through it. Other than that, the transitions have all been pretty seemless. A major reason I knew I wanted to marry him was because we navigated all these major life changes together so in sync, so easily, it was like no matter what chaos was happening in our lives our relationship was always the eye of the storm, perfect calm.

I guess that's a lot to share but I just wanted to demonstrate how sometimes standard advice just doesn't match up, and things can work out great even when you're going against sound wisdom. The only othe rthing I'd add is maybe suggest your friend ensures he has a 6 months' expenses buffer and is contributing 15% to a retirement plan before he helps his girlfriend with bills. After all, if he wants to be her safety net, he's going to want to have is own safety nets in order so he can provide that. Make sense?


Thank you for sharing. Your story is refreshing. Wishing your and DH many happy, healthy years!

Message 16 of 21
Established Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

I would say that instead of trying to dissuade your friend from his course of action, maybe suggest to him that he could use some backup failsafes in case things go pear-shaped. At this point, he's unlikely to change what he's doing but maybe gently suggest that he make contingency plans like a stocked emergency fund or something of the sort, so that if things don't break his way, he won't be completely up the creek without a paddle. 

Message 17 of 21
Regular Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

Send him to Dave Ramsey and the Red Pill community on Youtube.

 

If shes a good lady not just using him and good to him/responsible, marrige, etc in the future, I hope it will work. And people do need to learn their own lessons.

Message 18 of 21
Regular Contributor

Re: I have this friend....

Think more, and feel less is my motto for the most part these days.

 

In the old days, sadly most of my decisions about any subject matter were based off of feeling and emotion and what others might think. Like a lot of people, I had to learn the hard way and drive the car off the cliff so to say.

 

When I see people doing stupid, I try to share my own personal experiences, and the decisions I made to move past them. Sometimes it might resonate, most the time it don't, as most people are delusional enough to think their situation in life is different from everyone elses.

 

In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and and oil. But a fool devours everything he has.

 

 

Message 19 of 21
Highlighted
Regular Contributor

Re: I have this friend....


@TheVig wrote:

Think more, and feel less is my motto for the most part these days.

 

In the old days, sadly most of my decisions about any subject matter were based off of feeling and emotion and what others might think. Like a lot of people, I had to learn the hard way and drive the car off the cliff so to say.

 

When I see people doing stupid, I try to share my own personal experiences, and the decisions I made to move past them. Sometimes it might resonate, most the time it don't, as most people are delusional enough to think their situation in life is different from everyone elses.

 

In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and and oil. But a fool devours everything he has.

 

 


Well the thing is, people's situations *are* different from everyone else's.

You say you had to learn to think more, feel less. But see, I had to learn the opposite. In fact, I was raised from babyhood to disregard emotions as irrelevant and suspect. I was taught to outright distrust my own intuition as something that will lead me astray. I was also raised in what therapists have told me meets the definition of a cult. Anyhow, as an adult I had to go through the painstaking process of learning how to actually feel emotion and discover that the sensations of emotion are okay to feel and can provide valuable information about my world and how I'm relating to it.

I also happened to spend nearly a decade of my life almost completely bedridden, isolated, and fighting for my life confined to a custom built environment for folks with my condition, unable to go outside or even look out a window.

But everyone goes through that, right? Man, I should go ask my therapist if I'm just delusional...


Message 20 of 21