cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

I just don't want to be mean....

Regular Contributor

Re: I just don't want to be mean....

Giving someone the solution doesn't help them learn how to solve the problem.

In other words, by always helping your sister with money, she won't learn how to fix her spending habits or support them.

 

Sometimes you just have to show a little tough love.

It sounds like you're only helping her since she's your only "family" that you want to keep in touch with.

 

You aren't responsible for her and her husband and you shouldn't have to pay your way to finding friends and especially not family.

 

 


EX08: 731 | EQBankcard08: 752 | TU08: 803 | Total Utilization: 1% | Total Credit Limit: $26,900
Message 11 of 15
Established Member

Re: I just don't want to be mean....

Just wanted to add my words of support, as I too struggle with this issue.

 

I'm just getting to a point where I'm building some savings, and I have bouts of guilt where I feel I should be helping my family more financially. I have to tell myself, "If I play by their rules, I will be in their situation."  When I'm in my sixties, if I'm living 1 to 2 paychecks from financial ruin, I won't have a child to help me.  By reminding myself that my financial needs/goals matter as least as much as theirs do, I'm able to set healthier limits on my support of them. 

 

 

Message 12 of 15
Senior Contributor

Re: I just don't want to be mean....

In my opinion, you did a great thing cancelling the card.

 

Years back, I loaned a cc to my parents who were moving.  In that state, there was a 3 day wait period to finalize the sale of a house.  My folks wanted to get on the road to their retirement state right away and didn't want to wait after closing to get their funds.  All things considered, I got that.  Loaned them a cc JUST to help them move and pay for gas on the road IF they needed it.  They didn't have a valid cc.

 

Oh.  Boy.  NEVER, EVER again!

 

They took that zero balance card and maxed it out.  They missed making payments.  They lied to me about missing payments.  They (mom) called the cc and changed the mailing address to THEIR address so I wouldn't see the statements.  They (mom) called and asked for credit limit increases.  They (mom) was livid with the cc when they raised the interest rate because she missed a few payments.  She actually refused to make any more payments and at that point, the card was over the limit.  The cc (rightly) closed the account.  That was it.  She was having nothing to do with it.

 

I would not give them another cc.  I would not send them money.  I want to say that I told her something to the effect of she had better figure it out  and work it out with the cc company or there would be a fraud claim.  (The ccc had sent a replacement card the month before and mom kept it.  Never gave it to me.)  She did work out a settlement with them.

 

Here's the kicker - they had (and still do) have the income to pay for the cc.  There's no valid reason for not being able to pay their bills.  They just have poor financial management skills and refuse to get the help/learn the skills needed to live within their means.  Where every penny of my paycheck is dedicated to a bill, with zero left over as discretionary income, they have about 3300+ after the mortgage is paid, to spend for utilities, car insurance, and food.  Lol - my budget for electric - $25.  My budget for water/sewer - $10.  Gives you perspective between their funds for utilities and mine.

 

You did good taking the cc away from her.  My folks still struggle and it's THEIR struggle not mine.  Your sister's struggle is HER struggle, not yours.  I feel bad.  You feel bad.  And every once in awhile, they will get me in a moment of weakness and I will help out a little.  You can do that, but once it starts again, it keeps going.  

 

Feel good about your decision.  Stick to it.

Message 13 of 15
Regular Contributor

Re: I just don't want to be mean....


IOBA wrote:

In my opinion, you did a great thing cancelling the card.

 

Years back, I loaned a cc to my parents who were moving.  In that state, there was a 3 day wait period to finalize the sale of a house.  My folks wanted to get on the road to their retirement state right away and didn't want to wait after closing to get their funds.  All things considered, I got that.  Loaned them a cc JUST to help them move and pay for gas on the road IF they needed it.  They didn't have a valid cc.

 

Oh.  Boy.  NEVER, EVER again!

 

They took that zero balance card and maxed it out.  They missed making payments.  They lied to me about missing payments.  They (mom) called the cc and changed the mailing address to THEIR address so I wouldn't see the statements.  They (mom) called and asked for credit limit increases.  They (mom) was livid with the cc when they raised the interest rate because she missed a few payments.  She actually refused to make any more payments and at that point, the card was over the limit.  The cc (rightly) closed the account.  That was it.  She was having nothing to do with it.

 

I would not give them another cc.  I would not send them money.  I want to say that I told her something to the effect of she had better figure it out  and work it out with the cc company or there would be a fraud claim.  (The ccc had sent a replacement card the month before and mom kept it.  Never gave it to me.)  She did work out a settlement with them.

 

Here's the kicker - they had (and still do) have the income to pay for the cc.  There's no valid reason for not being able to pay their bills.  They just have poor financial management skills and refuse to get the help/learn the skills needed to live within their means.  Where every penny of my paycheck is dedicated to a bill, with zero left over as discretionary income, they have about 3300+ after the mortgage is paid, to spend for utilities, car insurance, and food.  Lol - my budget for electric - $25.  My budget for water/sewer - $10.  Gives you perspective between their funds for utilities and mine.

 

You did good taking the cc away from her.  My folks still struggle and it's THEIR struggle not mine.  Your sister's struggle is HER struggle, not yours.  I feel bad.  You feel bad.  And every once in awhile, they will get me in a moment of weakness and I will help out a little.  You can do that, but once it starts again, it keeps going.  

 

Feel good about your decision.  Stick to it.


Gawd, IOBA I was going to write something, but your comments are basically my own! I feel much sympathy for the OP because s/he so obviously wants to maintain a familial connection to the sister. It also seems as if (sorry, OP, I don't know your gender, so forgive me) s/he feels guilty for being financial astute, solvent and successful while the sister is not. BUT. This is her choice!

 

I commend you for the help you've given her and husband, but it grated on my nerves when you wrote of how she's yelled at you and argued with you when you refused to co-sign loans (they obviously couldn't afford) or "loan" (read that as GIVE) her more money. She'd come to see your credit card $300 as her very own income and was indignant when she didn't get a massive raise, AND later got "fired".

 

Please, please, please don't feel bad. Your sister has learned to manipulate you into feeling guilty for your financial success. But you were/are absolutely doing her no favors by paying for her love, nor by being her permanent income supplement. Do you realize that she has been "budgeting" (yeah, right) her spending with the expectation that you were going to pay for her forever?

 

Your self-esteem IS NOT dependent upon her false love, as it only comes so long as you were throwing money at her financial incompetence. You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your own labors. Hopefully, being forced to remove your income from her monthly expected "income" will force her to curb her spending, or get a job of any sort, or her husband to get a better job, and spend only within their means. You were actually only enabling her to always play the victim and not rise to whatever highest potential she may have. And if she doesn't, you know what? THAT'S STILL NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

 

Good on you for standing up for yourself. Family and friends who trade love for money are the worst! Hugs!!!

15 Months into gardening for 2 years until January 2019 when the last HP drops and BK7 is 5 yrs post.
Message 14 of 15
Frequent Contributor

Re: I just don't want to be mean....

I have a suggestion. Its obvious you want to help your sister otherwise you wouldnt have this internal struggle. I was in a similar situation with my sister. I wanted to help but didnt want it to be an always type thing.

I gently brought up credit during our conversations over a few months. Eventually got her thinking about credit. Convinced her that building her credit was a possibility. She depends on husband for his poor credit opportunities. I basically said you need to think about your future. If something happened to him how would you get a car, apt, etc. I had her order her credit reports. Low and behold she only had 2 baddies due to fall off next year. I jumped for joy for her. Told her how this time next year she could have a great credit score if we do some small things to prepare. I am going to fund a small secured cc and get a secured loan for her at the cu.

This way i am not "giving" her the money but helping her learn to manage her credit with small balances. She is so excited about the possibility of having good credit that she is actually asking questions about budgeting and finance. Shes looking at cars and calculating payments for average credit instead of the high risk loans she had to have before.

Long post but moral is maybe you can use the teach the man to fish method once your sister gets over the angwr of rejection. She'll come around once she finishes processing the let down now.
Message 15 of 15