@babygirl1256 wrote:I certainly wouldn't add her as an AU . . . if she's not concerned and/or has no problem maxing-out her cards . . . are you willing to take a chance on her maxing-out your card(s)? Sorry but you can't possibly help her unless she is willing to help herself . . . first she had to admit to having a spending problem then taking positive action to correct the problem. Wishing you and her the best in her challenging situation!!!
Thanks! My idea--and she and I discussed this--was to add her as an AU and then never even give her the card number! That way she couldn't run it up if she wanted to, but I'm aware (from this forum) that banks expect to see use on AU cards, so I figured I'd just use her card occasionally to keep them happy. I think their thinking goes something like: if the AU never uses the card, the cardholder must be doing this strictly to help the AU's credit, and that's not what we're here for, so if we don't see activity on it, that's bad! (Surely someone will correct me if I've got that wrong.)
But thanks, I totally get your point and am absolutely unwilling to do *anything* that could jeopardize my credit. I've worked too hard, and pulled myself out of the black hole of financial disaster too many times, to be willing to EVER get down there again--certainly not because of someone else's carelessness.
@RSX wrote:i think you are a great person to try and help her out
but
i think she made to learn the credit/finance importance when it is actually needed
ie. she goes to buy a car, and is either denied or gets a 10-20% rate
or applies for a mortgage and gets told what she needs to do to get approved
i know this will likely start a 1-2 year clock for her (delay) but that is possibly what is needed - and the only way for her to understand on her own
1 suggestion for the talk you are going to have - if cleaning the house is part of the Free Rent deal - then not cleaning it is now $200/mnth...
my brother in law did this with my nephew - make the bed - get $0.50 - don't make the bed - owed him $0.50
all the best to you
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. 
Your post reminded me of something I haven't mentioned about her: she's had *incredible* luck. An example: her old car was in desperate need of a new transmission; there was no way on earth she could afford that. Next thing you know, one of her best friends is moving back to Scotland and sells her her SUV for $300. A perfectly good, late 2000s, in excellent condition Nissan (or Honda? I can never remember) large SUV for $300. Or take rent. Please! She's had a free ride here and that's about to come to a crashing halt. At one point, after it had become obvious that she was not fulfilling her part of our agreement, she did start paying me $300/month 'rent' (and I can't help but point out that $300 in my neighborhood can't even rent a closet). Then the pandemic hit. She ended up unemployed. And guess what? I told her don't worry, you have a roof over your head, we'll deal with money later... Later still hasn't come!
I never thought I'd be in my 60s and supporting another adult. A healthy, young, able-bodied adult. When I supported my husband, I didn't mind at all. He had worked his butt off for 25 solid years, keeping us afloat before I started my career and working long after I was well-established. When he told me was burned out and wanted to stop working, I said go for it! YOU supported ME when I didn't work. Now it's my turn. But that was a completely different situation. As Judge Judy would say, my helper is "a stranger" to me--in other words, not related by blood or marriage or any other legal bond. Judge Judy would ask why I'm supporting this bum. But she's really not a bum. She's a hard worker, has worked steadily over the years, is very smart, and took excellent care of me when I really, really needed it. (Mod edit - such explicit, inappropriate details are unnecessary - TOS, remember? - bullet point #5 if curious), for heaven's sake. 
That was when I was still too weak to use a bedpan, but finally got released from the hospital; I was in diapers. She's not lazy and she's not afraid of hard work, or dirty work, or whatever.
We feel very strongly about each other. That may or may not have come through in this thread. I mean, it's mostly been about my feelings for her, but I want to stress that it's mutual. Today--from Costa Rica--she called me in a panic. Miscommunication with my contractor had left her thinking *I* had been hospitalized again. (What really happened is that I had a doctor come to my house today; long story how my contractor fits into this, but his wife texted her and this huge confusion followed.) It took five minutes to convince her that I wasn't dying.
She has a boyfriend in Costa Rica. They met when she was there last year--that trip was a gift from her mom, as I recall. He's a SCUBA diving instructor and they met in a class he gave. They've been inseparable ever since--except that he's in Costa Rica and we're in LA!! He paid for this ticket and she's staying at his house, so the trip isn't exactly an extragavant expense on her part--not that she could fund it if it was!
But, yeah, don't worry about pointing out the cold hard facts, I can take it: she's had the better of the deal, no two ways about it. When we made the arrangement, it was perfect--and perfect timing--for both of us. But things change. Once she's back and we have that heart-to-heart, I'm going to give her--in writing--a list of expectations and the *fact* that breaking any of them will result in being told to move out. I have to add something: she figured out a long time ago that she could let things slide, because I wasn't being brutal with her in terms of keeping her on track. All kinds of things fell through the cracks, and I kept letting it go. Then last year something finally made me change my tune. She CONTINUALLY left the alarm unset, and doors unlocked. I'd go to sleep knowing I had set the alarm and the doors were locked, then I'd wake up during the night, have to reach for my phone to check ADT--because I KNEW she may have disarmed and left it off...again. I won't go into details but it's extremely important to me that I feel secure in my home, and I've explained to her exactly why, but it wasn't enough to make her consistently set the alarm. So last year, after tons of screenshots of a disarmed/unlocked ADT system taken in the middle of many nights--I sat her down and said, look, I'd hate for *this* to be the thing that makes me ask you to move, but I CANNOT take this any more, and if it happens ONE MORE TIME you're going to have to leave.
That was almost a year ago--and it hasn't happened again.
My point? I can put my foot down with her and she can understand that I'm serious. And that's where we'll be when we sit down for our talk.
I'm going to give her three options: 1) continue living here BUT keep the house clean, as she was always supposed to, along with her other duties, and pay me a token 'rent' (like $300/month), or 2) continue living here, have no chores, but pay actual rent (minimum $2,000/month) and I'll go back to my pre-illness routine of having the house cleaned every week and whatever else I need done, or 3) move out. Before the house gets dirty. It's clean now and this is how it's going to stay.
FWIW, this isn't your typical 'rent one room in a house' arrangement. Yes, she has her own room, but she also has free use of the entire house, the entire property, and is free to have friends over, have parties, have overnight guests, decorate for Halloween (her favorite holiday--and she really goes to town decorating my yard!), plus she's made a Tiki bar area in one [unused] part of my backyard, where she and her friends hang out. The 2-bedroom house next door rents for $4,000/month. Given her free access to the entire house and yard, I don't think $2,000 would be unreasonable, even though it sounds like a 'rent one room' arrangement. It's definitely not!
@DSTforlife wrote:
@SoCalGardener wrote:
@babygirl1256 wrote:I certainly wouldn't add her as an AU . . . if she's not concerned and/or has no problem maxing-out her cards . . . are you willing to take a chance on her maxing-out your card(s)? Sorry but you can't possibly help her unless she is willing to help herself . . . first she had to admit to having a spending problem then taking positive action to correct the problem. Wishing you and her the best in her challenging situation!!!
Thanks! My idea--and she and I discussed this--was to add her as an AU and then never even give her the card number! That way she couldn't run it up if she wanted to, but I'm aware (from this forum) that banks expect to see use on AU cards, so I figured I'd just use her card occasionally to keep them happy. I think their thinking goes something like: if the AU never uses the card, the cardholder must be doing this strictly to help the AU's credit, and that's not what we're here for, so if we don't see activity on it, that's bad! (Surely someone will correct me if I've got that wrong.)
But thanks, I totally get your point and am absolutely unwilling to do *anything* that could jeopardize my credit. I've worked too hard, and pulled myself out of the black hole of financial disaster too many times, to be willing to EVER get down there again--certainly not because of someone else's carelessness.
I don't think this is a big issue. I've had my daughter as AU on one of my Amex cards since she was 15 (she's turning 21 this month), and she's never used the card. Amex has never said nor done anything...as a matter of fact, last year, they sent her a new card since her original one expired. She will never see it.
Same with my husband...he's AU on one of my Amex since i opened the account in 2012. He's never used the card, and Amex has not bat an eye.
Thanks for the input. It's interesting! I had gleaned from this forum that not using an AU card could raise all kinds of red flags, but I guess that--like everything--it can vary by bank, card, customer, etc.
Make sure you give her the Annual credit report website. They offer free annual, but since COVID (and even now, for a few more months!!) they're offering free weekly reports from all 3 big bureaus. Just becoming aware of this, and starting the process with you, that's one way she can 'see' it, for free.
Can't fix the mess if you can't see it. You know this.. but maybe that angle will help. All the best to you both. x
