Ideas on splitting bills/expenses in relationships?

[Anonymous]

I think that's a valid point above.  The only issue is that it's much more difficult to quantify non-financial contributions... that is, what something is "worth" where it's very easy to determine the value of a bill or expense paid.  I definitely agree though that if someone is contributing non-financially to the relationship/household that it makes the person that is carrying the majority of the financial load feel much better about doing so.

I think this was another one of my sources of irritation and/or resentment, as not only was I paying 100% of our joint bills and several of her bills, but i was also contributing far more to the household than she was.  For example I would cook more, clean more and in general just maintain the household more.  A lot of that was my personality though.  If something needs to be done, I can't enjoy my time (have fun) until I know it's done... otherwise the entire time I'm trying to decompress all I'm doing is thinking about what isn't done yet. 

For example, I come home after a 12 hour day at work where my girlfriend was off most of the day and I walk in to her on the couch watching TV but there's a mounded pile of dishes in the sink.  Do I want to sit on the couch and veg with her for a little bit after a long day?  Of course.  However, I see that mound of dishes and immediately start knocking them out.  That's my personality type and I know that by taking care of that chore for 10 minutes I'll enjoy the next 45 minutes far better.  She could never understand this and would in a way resent me for not spending more time with her (those 10 minutes, for example) while I would resent her for allowing me to come home to that knowing full well that I'm not going to be able to walk past that eyesore without dealing with it. 

[Anonymous]

You miss a very large point here - in many situations, that person sitting on the couch is sitting down for one of the few times they've been able to that day, between work and having a young child.

Many, many mothers and dads who either work and/or stay home and have a child have a pile of undone dishes in the sink.

She wasn't "off" for most of the day (or any of it) if she has a young child.

Also, another very significant point. You mentioned in your other thread that this lady had just completed a master's degree in the past year. That's a significant accomplishment requiring a lot of hard work.

[Gunnar419]

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@Anonymous wrote:
I think this is one area in which contributions which are non-financial need to be weighted as heavily as do financial ones. For example, I know several stay at home dads who contribute a great deal from a non- financial perspective, and that means a great deal.

If we're going to weigh financial cotributions, we also need to just as equally weigh non- financial ones.

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I'm glad somebody finally brought this up. Thank you, humuhumunukunukuapuaa.

Although everybody has raised valid points and most everybody luckily seems to have found a method that works for them and their partners, I've had two relationships run into trouble on this issue of who does more of the work around the house, inside and out. My partners and I each agreed on a 50/50 split of expenses and a split of household duties. Then I found myself doing the majority of the work while they persued hobbies or just neglected their side of the work agreements, sometimes finding excuses to avoid jobs they had plainly agreed to take responsibility for.

It's true that how much work somebody is doing can be very subjective, but on the other hand there are clear situations where one person is more involved than the other with house and home. I would always take that into account, even if it's hard to quantify.

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

You miss a very large point here - in many situations, that person sitting on the couch is sitting down for one of the few times they've been able to that day, between work and having a young child.

Many, many mothers and dads who either work and/or stay home and have a child have a pile of undone dishes in the sink.

She wasn't "off" for most of the day (or any of it) if she has a young child.

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That wasn't part of the equation in my response.  While I know very well this could be the case in some situations, it wasn't in mine (which is why I didn't mention that).  In my situation the girlfriend didn't work during the day, or if she did it was for an hour or two and there was no child at home all day.

[Anonymous]

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@Gunnar419 wrote:

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Although everybody has raised valid points and most everybody luckily seems to have found a method that works for them and their partners, I've had two relationships run into trouble on this issue of who does more of the work around the house, inside and out. My partners and I each agreed on a 50/50 split of expenses and a split of household duties. Then I found myself doing the majority of the work while they persued hobbies or just neglected their side of the work agreements, sometimes finding excuses to avoid jobs they had plainly agreed to take responsibility for.

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If you agreed on a 50/50 split of expenses, does that mean both of you brought exactly equal amounts of income to the table?  If so, I agree that makes perfect sense to evenly split both expenses and household duties 50/50.  If you've got someone however earning 1/2 the money as the other yet they're contributing even money still with respect to expenses, relative to their income they are actually contributing more financially, which IMO means it's only fair that they contribute proportionally less household duties wise compared to the partner.

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

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@Anonymous wrote:

You miss a very large point here - in many situations, that person sitting on the couch is sitting down for one of the few times they've been able to that day, between work and having a young child.

Many, many mothers and dads who either work and/or stay home and have a child have a pile of undone dishes in the sink.

She wasn't "off" for most of the day (or any of it) if she has a young child.

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That wasn't part of the equation in my response.  While I know very well this could be the case in some situations, it wasn't in mine (which is why I didn't mention that).  In my situation the girlfriend didn't work during the day, or if she did it was for an hour or two and there was no child at home all day.

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Minimizing the amount of time she worked or took care of the child each day (and if she has a child, she did take care of the child each day and had responsibilities for raising him, regardless of the number of hours he was home) doesn't help the situation.

[Anonymous]

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@sillykitty1 wrote:

First I'd like to back up Mishka, and agree, this comes across as pretty sexist.  And when she very nicely pointed it out, you just defended it instead of evauluating it at all.

• We viewed things as one, no my expense vs your expense.  

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Agree with sillykitty on both points. Sexism has no place on these forums, period.

Also, the sentence #2 that she wrote above is a primary key to relationship success. I've seen it time and time again and am rewriting it below:

" We viewed things as one, no my expense vs. your expense."

None of this " did you pay 50% or 20% of things?" nonsense.

You will run into trouble 100% of the time if you start evaluating who did 50%, 30% or 20% of bills, just as you will run into trouble if you start evaluating who did 50% or 20% of housework. Next thing you know you'll be monitoring the other person and gauging how much they did of x, which will not work well.

Simple key to success.

[Anonymous]

I have made an edit to one of the posts in this thread.  Let's not turn this into the battles of the sexes.  Points can be made without labeling either sex into a certain charactheristic or trait.  To do so is sexist no matter what sex is involved. Thank you all for your cooperation.

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

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Minimizing the amount of time she worked or took care of the child each day (and if she has a child, she did take care of the child each day and had responsibilities for raising him, regardless of the number of hours he was home) doesn't help the situation.

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I couldn't disagree with you more.

I agree completely that caring for a child is considered equal "work" to someone leaving home and working a job.  That's not in question.

That said, if Parent A works 55 hours per week and cares for the child 30 hours a week and Parent B works 25 hours per week and cares for the child 30 hours per week, Parent B in theory has more time available to spend on household duties... especially if Parent A (due to working more than double) is paying ALL of the bills.

Anyone that argues against that I honestly can't take seriously.

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

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None of this " did you pay 50% or 20% of things?" nonsense.

You will run into trouble 100% of the time if you start evaluating who did 50%, 30% or 20% of bills, just as you will run into trouble if you start evaluating who did 50% or 20% of housework. Next thing you know you'll be monitoring the other person and gauging how much they did of x, which will not work well.

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And you'll also run into trouble if upon evaluating these things you find that someone is taking care of 100% of the bills while also taking care of 75%-80% of the housework, especially if the perception of the person that is paying 0% of the bills and is doing 20%-25% of the housework agrees on these numbers... that is, their perception of the situation is exactly that of the partner.

I'm not going to argue over 50% verses 40% or 30%.  But, if you're talking 100% vs 0% I'd find it hard to believe that anyone can view that as "fair."