Managing family credit profiles

[importxpresions]

My wife and I believe strongly in our roles. While it may be old fashioned to believe in rolls these days it's just how we work through life and through our faith. Not saying our roles are pre-determined, but we discussed who would do what and agree'd upon that during pre-marital counseling. She's a business owner and I work for a coporation. She handles her companies finances but I manage our overall personal finances. She's not a big believer in credit cards. I'm very much so into it as we have plenty of start up businesses, rental properties, and other ventures on the horizon. She trusts me completely with the finances but just likes to know how we're doing. I update her when and why I'm doing something with the finances and have an excel sheet that shows our yearly financial strategy. She's the head of the household over the kids and she get's the final say. I have full trust in her on the subject. While sometimes our strageies to certain situations differ we should trust our significant others if we permit them to have the final say on things. We cannot however shut them out of putting input in and theres a fine line of saying how it is and having the final say. Usually it's constant communication.

[Anonymous]

Me and my SO have been together just over 20 years.

I have seen all the phases, in my relationship.

First all seperate and secret.

When it was realized that I was the breadwinner that caused lots of friction, because splitting bills with a huge disparity in income isn't easy to tread, so we combined everything.

Honestly overall my SO absolutely despises anything money or credit related. Even spending it lol

So it worked best that I just run the show.

He rarely cares what products I choose, but he *absolutely* trusts my decisions and that we are like minded and that I have him amd his interests at heart when making such decisions for him. He just likes to be told if I am foing somsthing so he knows what to expect (and honestly, sometimes I am still working on that one lol)

I am way oversimplifying 20 years worth of work, but I can honestly see why money is probably the biggest root of relationship issues. Especially when there is income disparities and people want to keep what is "theirs" seperate. Could you imagine trying to split bills in a 175k house where one half is making only 25k? Should that mean we only live a 50k lifestyle? Anyway...

We trust each other completely and put our money in the pot and it is always "ours", no this is mine and and that is yours because that caused lots of friction early on. 

I am only relaying my experience in my relationship.

Your SO may feel loss of power because you are now steering the wheel. If they have interest, involve them, even in small ways. Even if it seems obvious, maybe just touching base with them before making a move will help them feel like they also are part of the team and not just having everything decided for them. You know, to feel a part of the process and involved in decisions that are for them. It might help feel like some of the "power" is still their's. They may not want to monitor anything themselves, as that isn't probably the issue, because that has no "power" in it and may be of little interest to just watch what happens or has come to pass. Just more of having a say or being included in the process.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

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@importxpresions wrote:

My wife and I believe strongly in our roles. While it may be old fashioned to believe in rolls these days it's just how we work through life and through our faith. Not saying our roles are pre-determined, but we discussed who would do what and agree'd upon that during pre-marital counseling. She's a business owner and I work for a coporation. She handles her companies finances but I manage our overall personal finances. She's not a big believer in credit cards. I'm very much so into it as we have plenty of start up businesses, rental properties, and other ventures on the horizon. She trusts me completely with the finances but just likes to know how we're doing. I update her when and why I'm doing something with the finances and have an excel sheet that shows our yearly financial strategy. She's the head of the household over the kids and she get's the final say. I have full trust in her on the subject. While sometimes our strageies to certain situations differ we should trust our significant others if we permit them to have the final say on things. We cannot however shut them out of putting input in and theres a fine line of saying how it is and having the final say. Usually it's constant communication.

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+100

Maybe if OP's DW doesn't desire to control her finances, perhaps there are other roles she could control.

I like the way you stated it. I drive the finances while my takes control of other aspects of our lives. It makes a great balance, as he has zero interest in finances (as long as we have a place to live, bills paid, a savings, and food to eat, he doesn't stress it).

I think keeping each other in the loop is probably the most important thing, as you stated. You never know when your other half may have an opinion and it shouldn't be ignored.

[Anonymous]

I think its important to keep your wife in the loop even with you managing it.  when you make changes, adjustments, employ strategies to reflect scores id include her on that so she feels part of the process.  especially with her credit.  its also an educational opportunity for her to learn.  she may be able to spend as she likes but it is still you who ahs the keys to manage it all.

i manage our finances and pay our bills.  my wife gets an alert for every payment i make and we talk once a week on finance and credit.  most of it is her just saying "ok great" but i think it helps her feel included and has a voice to give input if she wanted

[gingerflower]

@Jannelo  I definitely agree with your statement.  Not criticizing OP but seems to me you sound threatened by your wife wanting to take control of the finances. After all her pay check is being deposited in bill pay bank account!! 

[Anonymous]

I think it all depends on the level of "management" that you do.

I help manage my SO's finances (credit cards/retirement accounts/etc), but the key there is 'help.' Early into the process of merging our finances (we have a joint account), she expressed a lack of feeling like a real adult because I had de-facto control of everything that involved money. I found that educating her on how credit works, how to apply for things, and how to manage things helps more than just doing everything for her, and she is much happier feeling like she has some clue about what is going on with our finances. Now, even though she may only understand things at 25% of what I do, she still feels included in the day-to-day of our credit and finances, which is what matters most, as you can always still pay attention to everything you need to to help her out.

[sxa001]

Still a newlywed here (Married November '18) . We did live together for a few years before getting married, I only point that out because we started combining our finances in some ways before getting married (I added her at an AU on a few of my cards and she has been contributing financially to to the "household" since moving in.  

It isn't always easy, we are both a little spendy.  We have both made some poor financial choices in the past, and while I have gotten my credit to look much better we are still working on hers.  An example of some differences, I want us to use half of her paycheck per month towards her student loans, if we did we could pay them off completely in ~3 years. Minor differences in approach, she would rather pay less on the loans and have more in savings, and I would rather have less debt hanging over us.  Finding that balance I think is a challenge for many. We have gotten better with savings, and luckily came into the marriage with zero credit card debt.  We need to get one BADDIE off her credit and start putting a dent into the student loans.  

The "who has the upper hand?" topic is a tough one, I can be a little head strong about things.  I would encourage anyone who is facing a situation where your SO feels like they aren't being consulted to be more considerate.  I can be selfish in thinking spending money on X is the best thing and spending money on Y is a waste.  It can be a little challenging because my wife tends to support my spending habits so when I do question an expense of hers it can come off as me being a jerk.  

I suppose after 20 years of so of marriage, if we are lucky to live that long, that we will get it all figured out.  In the end, we are lucky to have a roof over our head and plenty of food on the table, so I don't sweat things too much.  We have both learned from our past mistakes, our approaches are just a little different but compromise is what it is all about. 

[Conceptual23]

This is a slippery slope, in my opinion. I've attempted doing this with my family and it has all but backfired.  Hopefully, others have better success.

[Anonymous]

Having had a bankruptcy, I can't really get good cards anymore, but my spouse can.

In addition to making me an authorized user, he made it so I can log in and manage accounts and pay the cards off and buy Treasury Bonds in his name and manage his 401(k).

He has no interest in it, nor understanding of the way things work over here in the US (Finances, credit, taxes, investments.) and he trusts me that I'm not going to do anything unsavory.

Some people have that trust in a marriage, some don't. When I had to sign a form saying I'd be liable for anything that came up until he's a citizen or has 10 years paying Social Security taxes, I was taking a huge risk too.

When he got his job, he was asking me over the phone how to fill in the tax forms, I do our income taxes, everything.

Your dynamic may not be the same as ours. I would say that if she has an active interest and wants to see what's going on in the finances, that if you don't show her and allow her to have access, that would be bordering on abusive.

I mean, I've seen relationships where the man just locks his wife out of everything, tells her to fork over the paycheck, and he gets to decide if she has a pair of shoes. One of those was my mom and dad.

Not saying that's what's going on here, but arguing about whether she can even see her finances is not cool dude, not at all.

Not only are people not going to accept that, there's going to be a day.... You know? Mom put up with it for years, and then she filed for divorce and moved out.

[SweetCreditObsession]

I couldn't agree more with @dragontears . You also mentioned you're considerably older than her. None of us plans to get sick or be incapacitated on a long term basis but it happens. With the age difference, you're more likely to fall victim to such circumstances first. Keeping her in the dark due to a lack of proactive and open conversations between the two of you could hurt you all in the end. 

Taking time to get on the same page will draw you two closer together and help you plan for the future more effectively.

Best wishes.