Marriage for financial reasons

[Gunnar419]

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@Anonymous wrote:

Speaking from a mother's perspective, I imagine the reason she's pressing for marriage is to give her some sense of completeness to her family unit at least on paper.  If you've been engaged for a year and have a child already, she probably already considers you a complete family unit and full financial disclosure by both parties is not unreasonable. 

You said you think full disclosure is not in your best interest.  I can't imagine being engaged to someone and holding that opinion.  The only reason to not give her full disclosure of your finances is if you think she's going to use that full disclosure to sue you for child support.

Either way, if you have a child together, I think she can get full disclosure anyway one way or another if she does indeed sue you for child support.

So no, it's clear from the opinions expressed in your post that you should not be thinking about marriage. You should be thinking about "divorce" and speaking to someone about child support and custody issues.

I'd also let her know ASAP that your plans have changed. 

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Although the OP is resisting the full disclosure that his fiancee wants, it also appears that she wants full disclosure from him without being willing to be open herself about finances and financial goals. In his shoes, I'd be resisting, too, given that she's putting all kinds of pressure on him while avoiding openness herself.

Agreed that he'll always have to support his child and that the fiancee may be feeling insecure about his level of commitment. But that doesn't excuse the opacity about finances that the OP describes on her part.

[Anonymous]

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@Gunnar419 wrote:

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@Anonymous wrote:

Speaking from a mother's perspective, I imagine the reason she's pressing for marriage is to give her some sense of completeness to her family unit at least on paper.  If you've been engaged for a year and have a child already, she probably already considers you a complete family unit and full financial disclosure by both parties is not unreasonable. 

You said you think full disclosure is not in your best interest.  I can't imagine being engaged to someone and holding that opinion.  The only reason to not give her full disclosure of your finances is if you think she's going to use that full disclosure to sue you for child support.

Either way, if you have a child together, I think she can get full disclosure anyway one way or another if she does indeed sue you for child support.

So no, it's clear from the opinions expressed in your post that you should not be thinking about marriage. You should be thinking about "divorce" and speaking to someone about child support and custody issues.

I'd also let her know ASAP that your plans have changed. 

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Although the OP is resisting the full disclosure that his fiancee wants, it also appears that she wants full disclosure from him without being willing to be open herself about finances and financial goals. In his shoes, I'd be resisting, too, given that she's putting all kinds of pressure on him while avoiding openness herself.

Agreed that he'll always have to support his child and that the fiancee may be feeling insecure about his level of commitment. But that doesn't excuse the opacity about finances that the OP describes on her part.

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Agreed.

[Callandra]

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@Scharnhorst wrote:

This is my situation:

Engaged for 1 year

One child 1 yr

On the surface situation is civil, no major arguments but differences are being swept under the carpet.

Differences over finances, hobbies, lifestyle e.g vacations/cosmetic surgery, number of children, future professional goals and timeline for marriage

I have developed trust issues as I found out that many of the things I was told at the start of our relationship are not happening as they were planned. Consequently I have become more discrete and vague about my future plans.

My biggest concern that my present more favorable financial situation is used to cover up her previous poor financial decisions. This is NOT in the benefit of the family but this is just to pay off her previous loans and also to maintain her condo. She keeps insisting on all joint loans/property and “FULL DISCLOSURE” when it comes to finances. Clearly this is not in my best interest as I have no debt ( other than my car and a few personal loans altogather worth < 25 K).Her house loan+ student loans ( approx. 300k) Yet she avoids talks on longterm planning like our retirement accounts , kids college education funds etc. This isn't so unreasonable in my opinion but full disclosure (as stated before) is a two-way street so she has to be willing to do the same as you. If she's not, then it might be best to keep finances separate. Do you live in a community property state? 

Pressure to get married ASAP without discussing our each individual goal and coming to a mutually agreeable plan and resolving some of the above differences. You should never feel pressured to get married for any reason. You should get married because you want to and you feel you will be happier in the long run. 

Not agreeable to making short term sacrifices like going to school to improve her employment chances OR letting me get more training so I can be in a profession where I can provide better for a bigger family. So she won't let you go to school to get more education? Even though you pretty much have no debt? There's a warning bell going off in my head here... 

This makes me suspicious whether her motives are just a short term marriage to get kids so she can collect CP forever and divorce me later. If you feel like this, then RUN. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, RUN AWAY and DO NOT LOOK BACK. There are sadly people out there like that. And given the tone of your post, it sounds to me like you are really having second thoughts about this relationship. Go with your gut. And even if you decide to get married, make her sign a pre-nup and protect yourself. Good luck. 

Please any advice from financial aspect is welcome

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[bada_bing]

My $.02 as a crochety old, twice divorced dude who has been happily single for a decade

You need to sit down with a good family law attorney and pay him/her for an hour of their time.

Knowing what the worst case could be and how to prepare for it is priceless. The family court/legal system

is not fair to men in general, and if there are kids involved, the kid's interest will trump the adults (rightfully so).

Have a sit down one hour dispassionate discussion with an attorney. Not because you are heading to

a worst case scenario, but because it is important to know what it is, to avoid it if possible or manage it if

it is not. Being pre-emptive about protecting yourself can have a powerful disincentive effect on the worst case

ever coming about.

There is an old joke that I've always found particularly funny, maybe because I've lived it:

If you want to take a shortcut to find out what marriage is like, just find a person you despise and buy

them a house, because that's how a lot of them end up. 

[Anonymous]

Once you marry,  her debt and issues become your debt and issues.    You can not separate the two,  no matter how hard you try.    If you are feeling the way you do now about her,  then chances are,  you are going to feel 100 times worse when you put a ring on it and head off to the altar for marriage.     I would not completely eliminate the idea of marriage,  but I would let her know that some serious changes will need to be made before a marriage proposal.   

[Anonymous]

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@Anonymous wrote:

Once you marry,  her debt and issues become your debt and issues.    You can not separate the two,  no matter how hard you try.    If you are feeling the way you do now about her,  then chances are,  you are going to feel 100 times worse when you put a ring on it and head off to the altar for marriage.     I would not completely eliminate the idea of marriage,  but I would let her know that some serious changes will need to be made before a marriage proposal.   

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Agreed! However, I would not consider marriage. Successful relationships are not easy, even the best ones require work. Yours is on the low end of that, imho.

[sccredit]

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@Scharnhorst wrote:

Her house loan+ student loans ( approx. 300k)

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Big difference between a house loan that goes with an asset and student loans.  How much is the mortgage vs the student loans?

My $.02 on the whole situation is that you have no business being married if you are already hiding things.  

[Anonymous]

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@sccredit wrote:

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@Scharnhorst wrote:

Her house loan+ student loans ( approx. 300k)

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Big difference between a house loan that goes with an asset and student loans.  How much is the mortgage vs the student loans?

My $.02 on the whole situation is that you have no business being married if you are already hiding things.  

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Very much agree- see blue.

[Anonymous]

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@bada_bing wrote:

There is an old joke that I've always found particularly funny, maybe because I've lived it:

If you want to take a shortcut to find out what marriage is like, just find a person you despise and buy

them a house, because that's how a lot of them end up. 

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I love it. This my be my facebook quote of the day.

[Anonymous]

What is the incentive for you to get married? I see all red flags and no good signs in this scenario. Do you have to be married? Is there a religious belief that makes you want to marry?

I have been with my DBF for 8.5 years now, unmarried. We have one 5 year old child together. We have very different ideas about money, but we talk about them openly. We share our finances only for household bills and expenses for our son. We both know how much either of us is expected to put in the pot for bills. Beyond that, they are separate. I save mine and he spends his. Techinically he saves, also, but in cash and his bank is our safe. If for some reason he needs to borrow money, I actually track it on my phone and he makes payments until he has paid me back. We have never had difficulty or miscommunications doing this because we both know what is expected of each other. We have an honest open line of communcation about money. I know that if I needed cash in a hurry, I could open the safe and take what I needed with no questions asked. But that is HIS money and I would never use his money for my self unless it was a true urgent need.

It sounds like your girlfriend is expecting your money to be her money. That is a whole lot of resentment in the making. And let's be honest. If you came here to ask the question, you probably already know the answer.