Possible Fiance... OK to ask him for a credit report?

[drkaje]

^ Definitely don't commit long term to a situation or lifestyle that contradicts with your core values.

@ Invinciblesummer3,

I want a steak dinner at Ruth's Chris (Inner Harbor, Baltimore MD) and an Ashton VSG Corona Gorda after.

[InvincibleSummer3]

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@bedazzledlv wrote:

You all have such valid points.  I would not break up with him if he is honest and can admit to mistakes.  What is worrying me is that I have broached the subject a couple times.  When we first discussed taking our relationship to the official Dating Couple level,  I let him know that financial stability is very important to me, and a goal I have is to buy a house in the next cou[ple years... and If we were to get serious and consider marriage like he had initially told me, he has to fully disclose any and all financial info.  Well its been a year and around christmas he took me ring window shopping.  

I have broached the subject of credit, and how its important to know where he stands... and that we can happily live together, but if he wants to marry me I need to see his credit.  Good or bad, I want to know... if bad as he has eluded to...I told him we can work together to improve it.

Credit is not an end all be all... but he has to show responsability that if its bad, he is working on it.  Not just letting it be like he currently is.  Its making me a bit aggitated that I have broached the subject 4x since the beginning of the year when we discussed marriage seriously.  So far, not once has he pulled his credit though i have physically pulled up the webpage for the free reports.  If this continues, I guess I cant trust him... maybe we can be lovers but I will not legally tie myself to him.  But in reality it will be disapointing so maybe I will have to move on... I know i am much more financially responsable... I am very active in learning about wealth building and management.  If he doesn't even want to be semi responsable... that is a character flaw that I will have a hard time ever trusting with my own good record.  I have pretty much almost got to where I want credit wise to get approved for whatever house I want at a great rate.  My mom will cosign if I need... but It would be sad that the man I love could not be trusted with our financial future.  

Who wants to end up in old age, to find out their spouce saved nothing for retirement... could not bother to get health and life insurance... and then all your hard work for decades ruined by them because legally in the state of Nevada, being a common law state... I would have to pay for his lack of planning.   No thanks...  I can stay unmarried and have a happy relationship with him... I can take care of myself... but I'm not willing to risk my future stability, on someone who cant bother to take care of paying bills on time... not running up credit card bills... or even check once a year to make sure their identity was stolen.... Just my personal choice....

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As a Nevada divorcee, I think you're making a good decision. Did he say why he's not willing to make any moves? Maybe there's an underlying reason. I don't want to rain on the relationship, but I'm glad you're being cautious.

[InvincibleSummer3]

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@drkaje wrote:

^ Definitely don't commit long term to a situation or lifestyle that contradicts with your core values.

@ Invinciblesummer3,

I want a steak dinner at Ruth's Chris (Inner Harbor, Baltimore MD) and an Ashton VSG Corona Gorda after.

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Happily. I'll buy, including dessert. I hear Ruth's Chocolate Sin Cake is quite lovely.

I'll just be over here, waiting for my Gerard Butler look-alike guy with the Scottish accent to show up. Apparently Nevada's kinda thin on this type....

[drkaje]

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@InvincibleSummer3 wrote:

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@drkaje wrote:

^ Definitely don't commit long term to a situation or lifestyle that contradicts with your core values.

@ Invinciblesummer3,

I want a steak dinner at Ruth's Chris (Inner Harbor, Baltimore MD) and an Ashton VSG Corona Gorda after.

---

Happily. I'll buy, including dessert. I hear Ruth's Chocolate Sin Cake is quite lovely.

I'll just be over here, waiting for my Gerard Butler look-alike guy with the Scottish accent to show up. Apparently Nevada's kinda thin on this type....

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I'm not known for impulse control. If your fiance pulls out a Rush card, I'm gonna need dry underwear, pants and socks!!

[bedazzledlv]

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@InvincibleSummer3 wrote:

As a Nevada divorcee, I think you're making a good decision. Did he say why he's not willing to make any moves? Maybe there's an underlying reason. I don't want to rain on the relationship, but I'm glad you're being cautious.

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He has said he knows what he needs to do... I just dont think he has any clue about his credit... or he knows something really bad is there he doesn't want me to know about.  Frankly, him not even being open about working together to and me seeing the mess... which may not even be still on his report!  I don't know, sort of disapointing.  We are in all other aspects of our relationship doing very well... and I spent some time living the single life.  I really began to enjoy it, but all of my true friends are located elsewhere, and It took me a long time to feel ready to be in a relationship, and even longer to feel that he and I have a connection that I deeply needed.  There are a lot of two faced people in Vegas.  The longer I live here, the more I am let down by how true it is.  I think that is the reason I am more about going into this relationship with eyes wide open.  After my husband,  I just don't feel I could just enter into a relationship all care free if I don't see the WHOLE PICTURE!

[InvincibleSummer3]

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@bedazzledlv wrote:

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@InvincibleSummer3 wrote:

As a Nevada divorcee, I think you're making a good decision. Did he say why he's not willing to make any moves? Maybe there's an underlying reason. I don't want to rain on the relationship, but I'm glad you're being cautious.

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He has said he knows what he needs to do... I just dont think he has any clue about his credit... or he knows something really bad is there he doesn't want me to know about.  Frankly, him not even being open about working together to and me seeing the mess... which may not even be still on his report!  I don't know, sort of disapointing.  We are in all other aspects of our relationship doing very well... and I spent some time living the single life.  I really began to enjoy it, but all of my true friends are located elsewhere, and It took me a long time to feel ready to be in a relationship, and even longer to feel that he and I have a connection that I deeply needed.  There are a lot of two faced people in Vegas.  The longer I live here, the more I am let down by how true it is.  I think that is the reason I am more about going into this relationship with eyes wide open.  After my husband,  I just don't feel I could just enter into a relationship all care free if I don't see the WHOLE PICTURE!

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Oh, yeah. And Northern Nevada? Much the same.

Not that I want to make excuses, but perhaps this is fear-based. Maybe he's afraid you'll leave him if you find out something you don't like. Or, he might have developed "willful ignorance" as a coping skill. I did that, for years. I was in way over my head with medical bills, so eventually I got to a place where I just didn't want to know. I kick myself for that now - collection accounts for less than $50, a tax lien for $130. Sheesh.

All I can say is I think you're right to trust your instincts. It's a hard thing, to share a child with an ex who is financially irresponsible. I can't, in good conscience, recommend it. Even if the kids are adorable.