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Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

Senior Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

It's a tough decision for you to make.

 

 

DH is applying jobs that would require a contential move.  If he gets an offer, we'll probably accept it.

 

For us, it means leaving behind elderly family members, adult kids, friends, a recently bought place, and sucking it up on less pay.  But this is a great opportunity for DH.  And we've talked about it.  We have always done shared finances.  Over the years, we both have carried the load.  I am not able to work full time now (health reasons) and would unlikely to be able to work after moving.  BUT we talked about this and we are both ok with the proposed budget and my not working.

 

For us, I think it would be different if one or more relatives were dying or in bad health.

 

I hope the two of you can reach an amicable decision.  

 

YOUR decision should be based on your values, not that you hate moving...  Maybe a starting point would be if she gets the job, she goes, you stay and you try the long distance thing for a bit?

Message 11 of 41
Community Leader
Super Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I got to the sick father part with Stage 4 cancer and stopped.  Absolutely not.  These job offers will always come and I understand this is important for her but there are reasons why you just can't go.

 

You only have one father and spend as much time as you can with him. This is not the best time to move.

Message 12 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


iheartwings wrote:

 

As a professional woman (not lady of the night, or someone who gets paid for being a woman, but I digress), my work is important to me, but I get it. I took a job in a place that I hated and left after a year, moving across the country. I hate moving, but I needed to leave the environment.  I also hated that I lost money too. I had a signficant other at the time, and I broke it off. We had already been doing the long-distance thing (just a 30 minute flight) when I moved, but we saw each other about as much as we did when we lived in the same city. Our breakup happened for a variety of reasons, but it was partly because he was also a professional, and finding a job in his area of expertise was nearly impossible. In the end, I couldn't ask him to move for me. 

 

Sounds like you two actually talk, which is good. When you think of your options, is there one that acceptable to both of you to maintain the relationship? Would maintaining a long-distance relationship for a period of time (i.e., to see if she likes this new job, etc.) be possible? 

 

I get that you two are engaged, but you aren't married. There is no obligation for you to go, and you have many compelling (really, non-negotiable) reasons to stay. Ultimately, it comes down to your individual values (e.g. job, family, location, financial security, etc.). If those values differ greatly and no middle ground can be found, the option may be that you don't get married and have to part ways. 

 

 


Thanks for your response. We aren't to the point of putting the relationship in jeaporady because of this and I hope we don't go down that path. I had thought about suggesting she moves over there for a trial period so she can see if she even likes it before we both uproot for good. My best friend grew up in TX and told me that I would hate it out there and it can't hold a candle to the Tampa area. 

 

I know we aren't married, but we will be. We are too perfect for each other. I can't even remember the last argument we had. We still haven't even argued about this situation. We read each others minds, we never get tired of each other, etc. I feel we are the way a relationship should be. 

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Message 13 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


overit2 wrote:

Absolutely not. 

 

First of all, I'm in GA, my DREAM is to get down to TPA area (Dunedin my fav!) - one day, but for now, because my dad is stage IV also it's a no go.

 

My dad went quickly from stage IV, unable to receive more treatment (he's been in the battle 1.5yrs now) and is now at home (hospice care) and we are on borrowed time.  This is not the time to leave your family.  My heart goes out to you during this time. In addition your mom is ill.

 

This may be one of those 'things' the universe is telling you this isn't meant for you but I don't know.  As for your fiance, I understand where's she at but my support would be staying where you are for a while.  Or perhaps long distance for a while even.

 

My brother lives in SAT, so I'm very familiar with it-there is NO comparison-if you have a hard time with summers there with tons of water access, I promise you SAT is 10 x worse-it IS hotter, period.  It's not a bad city but you can't compare TPA.  That area in TPA is also booming with hotels and hospitality positions, can she not look for a different hotel there?   Perhaps making less but ENJOYING life more is invaluable IMO.

 

 


I'm sorry to hear about your dad. My dad has been at it for 10-11 months now getting chemo twice a week for 3 our of the 4 weeks in a month. Good news is his numbers are slowly decreasing (the bad ones) so the experiemental program he's on is working for now. 

 

Dunedin is awesome. Did you know its one of the only city's around that you can use and operate a golf cart? I think that is so awesome. I wish my city (seminole) was like that. That'd be so awesome haha. Dunedin is quaint and beautiful. 

 

That's what I keep asking her, why not another hotel... etc. She keeps talking about how it's the best to move up to where she's heading because it's the owned by the brand of her hotel, not an indenpendant franchisee using the hotels brand, etc.

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Message 14 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


IOBA wrote:

It's a tough decision for you to make.

 

 

DH is applying jobs that would require a contential move.  If he gets an offer, we'll probably accept it.

 

For us, it means leaving behind elderly family members, adult kids, friends, a recently bought place, and sucking it up on less pay.  But this is a great opportunity for DH.  And we've talked about it.  We have always done shared finances.  Over the years, we both have carried the load.  I am not able to work full time now (health reasons) and would unlikely to be able to work after moving.  BUT we talked about this and we are both ok with the proposed budget and my not working.

 

For us, I think it would be different if one or more relatives were dying or in bad health.

 

I hope the two of you can reach an amicable decision.  

 

YOUR decision should be based on your values, not that you hate moving...  Maybe a starting point would be if she gets the job, she goes, you stay and you try the long distance thing for a bit?


That's where I'm having my dilemma. I know it'd be a great opportunity for her because she really does work hard, but I'm established here and with everything going on to just pick up and leave would be extremely difficult. Especially knowing that I'm going somewhere that I may more than likely not like, no job, no certainty. She's going to be sitting pretty making all that money and advancement, but I won't have anything. I'd feel a little better if our prior converstations about finances were more about becoming one versus separate this, separate that in case something happens in the future, blah blah blah. It's a really unsettling to think about. I feel like I'll be left to fend for myself while she has it made.

 

This morning she said to me, "If you accept me completely you'll accept that we'll have to move from time to time." To me that said, "It doesn't matter what you have going on in your life if you want to be with me then you'll have to drop what you're doing in life from time to time and follow my job around." 

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Message 15 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Yes-Its-Me wrote:

I got to the sick father part with Stage 4 cancer and stopped.  Absolutely not.  These job offers will always come and I understand this is important for her but there are reasons why you just can't go.

 

You only have one father and spend as much time as you can with him. This is not the best time to move.


I know YIM! That's where I'm at. I have been opening up to close friends and they say the same thing. You can't leave your dad. He really depends on me. He doesn't even have a vehicle so he uses it from time to time to take care of the things he has to instead of taking the bus.

 

I feel like if I leave him I'll be kicking a man when he's down. A very tough thought to swallow.

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Message 16 of 41
Regular Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

 


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

IOBA wrote:

It's a tough decision for you to make.

 

 

DH is applying jobs that would require a contential move.  If he gets an offer, we'll probably accept it.

 

For us, it means leaving behind elderly family members, adult kids, friends, a recently bought place, and sucking it up on less pay.  But this is a great opportunity for DH.  And we've talked about it.  We have always done shared finances.  Over the years, we both have carried the load.  I am not able to work full time now (health reasons) and would unlikely to be able to work after moving.  BUT we talked about this and we are both ok with the proposed budget and my not working.

 

For us, I think it would be different if one or more relatives were dying or in bad health.

 

I hope the two of you can reach an amicable decision.  

 

YOUR decision should be based on your values, not that you hate moving...  Maybe a starting point would be if she gets the job, she goes, you stay and you try the long distance thing for a bit?


That's where I'm having my dilemma. I know it'd be a great opportunity for her because she really does work hard, but I'm established here and with everything going on to just pick up and leave would be extremely difficult. Especially knowing that I'm going somewhere that I may more than likely not like, no job, no certainty. She's going to be sitting pretty making all that money and advancement, but I won't have anything. I'd feel a little better if our prior converstations about finances were more about becoming one versus separate this, separate that in case something happens in the future, blah blah blah. It's a really unsettling to think about. I feel like I'll be left to fend for myself while she has it made.

 

This morning she said to me, "If you accept me completely you'll accept that we'll have to move from time to time." To me that said, "It doesn't matter what you have going on in your life if you want to be with me then you'll have to drop what you're doing in life from time to time and follow my job around." 


 

This basically seize to me my job comes before you, and if you want to be with me you will have to accept it.  This is all and fine, I have a friend who doesn't work(he just does non profit work for free, that he is interested in) and follows his wife from state to state, he is her trophy husband, while his wife has a phd and moves around to different colleges to teach.  I would respond to her, do you mind being the bread winner and support me if I don't want to work(or at least work part time if you are bored), you can manage the house, bills, investments and you can raise the kids.  If she is ok with that then I would put a ring on it, if not I would move on with my life, just think about if roles were reversed, if I had a good woman and made her lose everything she had to follow me around, wouldn't I be expected to support her?  

Message 17 of 41
Established Member

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

Ok, but I'm very confused about this woman's priorities.  I realize it's her career, but if she is so non-chalant about your living your dying father, I don't know what kind of woman she truly is.

 

The road with your dad is going to get MUCH harder, it's going to be very emotionally taxing - the fact that you have flexibility in your company is gold right now.

 

Moving from time to time is fine and all, but the TIMING of said moves should NEVER come before a dying parent.  I just think this woman is incredibly selfish and wants only what benefits HER, that is NOT a parntership.  She's not compromising with you at all.

 

What would happen if you said NO, this is NOT the time to move, I'll consider it down the road but the timing is off, we need to stay put right now.

 

This is showing you incompatibility and that the things YOU value aren't the same for her.  It's a red flag. Proceed with caution.  You may be 'perfect' on paper but these things are glaringly big differences in life approach.

 

 

Message 18 of 41
Moderator

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I'm not certain I should be offering advice since I'm not exactly a relationship wonder; however, it's pretty clear that she expects you to sacrifice for her.  That's not necessarily a deal breaker, I *could* do that (it's unlikely it'd happen, but admittedly I can get a job in any major city at least for the next decade or so) or if I didn't have a career, the expectation as others have stated would be that fine, she's the breadwinner, you focus on other things.  Heck I'd actually like to stay home with the kids but that's me.  Relationships are by definition compromise, and this is a compromise like everything else and might not be a bad life.

 

That said, there will be many jobs in the future, but you only get one family.  Family > job, I think that's actually an important point on this one: if she considers you family, then your dad should be family too in which case she should recognize this is a terrible time for you to be moving.  My family isn't in the picture, but statistically if I do find someone their family would be... and I know I have absolutely no right to suggest she would need to dump her family for me: it would be ethically wrong.  Out of curiosity how does your fiancee feel about her family?

 

Anyway that's not to state even if she gets the job she should not go, but I think your going makes no sense, and really this is sort of the moment of truth.  If she's OK with doing the long-distance relationship thing, stage IV doesn't last forever and it's time you don't ever get back if you leave.  On the flipside if you two are staying together for 40+ years, 1-2 years isn't really that big of a deal and if she can't do this, you likely need to rethink what "being right for each other" means.  At some point you have to enter the equation, and if you don't rate in her life, then well...

 




        
Message 19 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

You guys have reached a point where you've decided you want to get married. This will mean some sacrifices on both parts over the years.

 

BUT

 

Your father is dying. Your mother needs lots of care. That would make it a hard no for me. 

 

Adding to that is that it  was NOT a job she was seeking out. So she hadn't decided she just loves city X and would love to live there, etc. I agree with pp that she should take the job if offered and you guys try a long distance relationship for x months (maybe 6?). She could hate the job, she could hate the city, anything. It is a bit of a distance but it is doable. 

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Message 20 of 41