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Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

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Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

Yes-Its-Me wrote:

I got to the sick father part with Stage 4 cancer and stopped.  Absolutely not.  These job offers will always come and I understand this is important for her but there are reasons why you just can't go.

 

You only have one father and spend as much time as you can with him. This is not the best time to move.


I know YIM! That's where I'm at. I have been opening up to close friends and they say the same thing. You can't leave your dad. He really depends on me. He doesn't even have a vehicle so he uses it from time to time to take care of the things he has to instead of taking the bus.

 

I feel like if I leave him I'll be kicking a man when he's down. A very tough thought to swallow.


Please, please stay put. I know you love your girlfriend also but the situation is dire.. If you move and something happens, the guilt would remain with you forever.  Have you asked her what if it was her dad and you asked her to move? Would she? What was her response?

 

If I were in your shoes and my other half brought this up knowing I am the only person to help my father in his last few years alive, I'd be livid and won't even bother with a discussion. End off...

 

Love love with all your heart but think with your head. There are just some actions that are just inhuman, thoughtless and lack compassion.  And you moving and leaving your father would be an example of it.

Message 21 of 41
Established Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

iheartwings wrote:

 

As a professional woman (not lady of the night, or someone who gets paid for being a woman, but I digress), my work is important to me, but I get it. I took a job in a place that I hated and left after a year, moving across the country. I hate moving, but I needed to leave the environment.  I also hated that I lost money too. I had a signficant other at the time, and I broke it off. We had already been doing the long-distance thing (just a 30 minute flight) when I moved, but we saw each other about as much as we did when we lived in the same city. Our breakup happened for a variety of reasons, but it was partly because he was also a professional, and finding a job in his area of expertise was nearly impossible. In the end, I couldn't ask him to move for me. 

 

Sounds like you two actually talk, which is good. When you think of your options, is there one that acceptable to both of you to maintain the relationship? Would maintaining a long-distance relationship for a period of time (i.e., to see if she likes this new job, etc.) be possible? 

 

I get that you two are engaged, but you aren't married. There is no obligation for you to go, and you have many compelling (really, non-negotiable) reasons to stay. Ultimately, it comes down to your individual values (e.g. job, family, location, financial security, etc.). If those values differ greatly and no middle ground can be found, the option may be that you don't get married and have to part ways. 

 

 


Thanks for your response. We aren't to the point of putting the relationship in jeaporady because of this and I hope we don't go down that path. I had thought about suggesting she moves over there for a trial period so she can see if she even likes it before we both uproot for good. My best friend grew up in TX and told me that I would hate it out there and it can't hold a candle to the Tampa area. 

 

I know we aren't married, but we will be. We are too perfect for each other. I can't even remember the last argument we had. We still haven't even argued about this situation. We read each others minds, we never get tired of each other, etc. I feel we are the way a relationship should be. 


There are so many eloquent and passionate arguments presented to you here. I'm sorry if I was blunt (and not as well phrased as others) with suggesting that the relationship might have to end!

 

I'm so happy that you've found your lobster (as Phoebe would say on Friends) - and I think it's been said here by others that relationships are about compromise. I'm sure if this job comes to fruition that you two will look together for a reasonable solution that will allow you to be there for your family. 

 

 

Garden Club Member since 9/7/2018
Message 22 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


iheartwings wrote:

Broke_Triathlete wrote:

iheartwings wrote:

 

As a professional woman (not lady of the night, or someone who gets paid for being a woman, but I digress), my work is important to me, but I get it. I took a job in a place that I hated and left after a year, moving across the country. I hate moving, but I needed to leave the environment.  I also hated that I lost money too. I had a signficant other at the time, and I broke it off. We had already been doing the long-distance thing (just a 30 minute flight) when I moved, but we saw each other about as much as we did when we lived in the same city. Our breakup happened for a variety of reasons, but it was partly because he was also a professional, and finding a job in his area of expertise was nearly impossible. In the end, I couldn't ask him to move for me. 

 

Sounds like you two actually talk, which is good. When you think of your options, is there one that acceptable to both of you to maintain the relationship? Would maintaining a long-distance relationship for a period of time (i.e., to see if she likes this new job, etc.) be possible? 

 

I get that you two are engaged, but you aren't married. There is no obligation for you to go, and you have many compelling (really, non-negotiable) reasons to stay. Ultimately, it comes down to your individual values (e.g. job, family, location, financial security, etc.). If those values differ greatly and no middle ground can be found, the option may be that you don't get married and have to part ways. 

 

 


Thanks for your response. We aren't to the point of putting the relationship in jeaporady because of this and I hope we don't go down that path. I had thought about suggesting she moves over there for a trial period so she can see if she even likes it before we both uproot for good. My best friend grew up in TX and told me that I would hate it out there and it can't hold a candle to the Tampa area. 

 

I know we aren't married, but we will be. We are too perfect for each other. I can't even remember the last argument we had. We still haven't even argued about this situation. We read each others minds, we never get tired of each other, etc. I feel we are the way a relationship should be. 


There are so many eloquent and passionate arguments presented to you here. I'm sorry if I was blunt (and not as well phrased as others) with suggesting that the relationship might have to end!

 

I'm so happy that you've found your lobster (as Phoebe would say on Friends) - and I think it's been said here by others that relationships are about compromise. I'm sure if this job comes to fruition that you two will look together for a reasonable solution that will allow you to be there for your family. 

 

 


Don't be silly. I appreciate people who don't sugar coat things. It is a reality that might have to rear it's ugly head. I love friends so I get the metaphor big time! Haha, that's just it though. Relationships are about compromise. It seems like if I drop everything to go out there I'll be doing all the sacrificing and leaving people that really need me at the moment.

 

Thank you again so much for your input.

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Message 23 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


morlandoemtp wrote:

 


Broke_Triathlete wrote:

IOBA wrote:

It's a tough decision for you to make.

 

 

DH is applying jobs that would require a contential move.  If he gets an offer, we'll probably accept it.

 

For us, it means leaving behind elderly family members, adult kids, friends, a recently bought place, and sucking it up on less pay.  But this is a great opportunity for DH.  And we've talked about it.  We have always done shared finances.  Over the years, we both have carried the load.  I am not able to work full time now (health reasons) and would unlikely to be able to work after moving.  BUT we talked about this and we are both ok with the proposed budget and my not working.

 

For us, I think it would be different if one or more relatives were dying or in bad health.

 

I hope the two of you can reach an amicable decision.  

 

YOUR decision should be based on your values, not that you hate moving...  Maybe a starting point would be if she gets the job, she goes, you stay and you try the long distance thing for a bit?


That's where I'm having my dilemma. I know it'd be a great opportunity for her because she really does work hard, but I'm established here and with everything going on to just pick up and leave would be extremely difficult. Especially knowing that I'm going somewhere that I may more than likely not like, no job, no certainty. She's going to be sitting pretty making all that money and advancement, but I won't have anything. I'd feel a little better if our prior converstations about finances were more about becoming one versus separate this, separate that in case something happens in the future, blah blah blah. It's a really unsettling to think about. I feel like I'll be left to fend for myself while she has it made.

 

This morning she said to me, "If you accept me completely you'll accept that we'll have to move from time to time." To me that said, "It doesn't matter what you have going on in your life if you want to be with me then you'll have to drop what you're doing in life from time to time and follow my job around." 


 

This basically seize to me my job comes before you, and if you want to be with me you will have to accept it.  This is all and fine, I have a friend who doesn't work(he just does non profit work for free, that he is interested in) and follows his wife from state to state, he is her trophy husband, while his wife has a phd and moves around to different colleges to teach.  I would respond to her, do you mind being the bread winner and support me if I don't want to work(or at least work part time if you are bored), you can manage the house, bills, investments and you can raise the kids.  If she is ok with that then I would put a ring on it, if not I would move on with my life, just think about if roles were reversed, if I had a good woman and made her lose everything she had to follow me around, wouldn't I be expected to support her?  


That's basically what it said to me. I took it as "F&$k you and what you have going on, if you want to be with me you'll have to accept that I have to move from time to time, and so you will to." I understand she may have not meant it that way, and probably didn't, but that was my first reaction after she said it. She has said in the last day that she would not expect me to tough my savings through the transition if I were to go. I did support an ex for 3 years while she was doing her "soul searching" whatever the hell that meant. So I have been in the shoes of supporting and if you love and care for them it's not a question, especially if you were asking them to pack up and move across the country. 

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Message 24 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


overit2 wrote:

Ok, but I'm very confused about this woman's priorities.  I realize it's her career, but if she is so non-chalant about your living your dying father, I don't know what kind of woman she truly is.

 

The road with your dad is going to get MUCH harder, it's going to be very emotionally taxing - the fact that you have flexibility in your company is gold right now.

 

Moving from time to time is fine and all, but the TIMING of said moves should NEVER come before a dying parent.  I just think this woman is incredibly selfish and wants only what benefits HER, that is NOT a parntership.  She's not compromising with you at all.

 

What would happen if you said NO, this is NOT the time to move, I'll consider it down the road but the timing is off, we need to stay put right now.

 

This is showing you incompatibility and that the things YOU value aren't the same for her.  It's a red flag. Proceed with caution.  You may be 'perfect' on paper but these things are glaringly big differences in life approach.

 

 


I absolutely agree and it's already getting worse. Because he has chemo 2 days a week he usually stays in the bed most of the week and really only has 1 good day a week (Wednesday). Because of my work schedule now I'm not able to see him until either Saturday or Sunday. Saturday is my only day off. He gets the chemo Thursday and Friday so when I see him he is feeling his absolute worse, weak, and really not wanting to do much. Then on top of that we usually get my mother out of her ALF, who had a TBI in 2012 due to a pain pill OD, so I'm watching both of my parents deteriorate before my eyes. On top of that, whenever I see my mom it reminds me of our last conversation we had before her overdose, which was an argument of me yelling at her because I was tired of lending her money and paying for her rent while she just enjoys life. What I wouldn't give to have that conversation over again. I already to have to live with that for the rest of my life. 

 

I agree, the timing is off. No doubt about that.

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Message 25 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Revelate wrote:

I'm not certain I should be offering advice since I'm not exactly a relationship wonder; however, it's pretty clear that she expects you to sacrifice for her.  That's not necessarily a deal breaker, I *could* do that (it's unlikely it'd happen, but admittedly I can get a job in any major city at least for the next decade or so) or if I didn't have a career, the expectation as others have stated would be that fine, she's the breadwinner, you focus on other things.  Heck I'd actually like to stay home with the kids but that's me.  Relationships are by definition compromise, and this is a compromise like everything else and might not be a bad life.

 

That said, there will be many jobs in the future, but you only get one family.  Family > job, I think that's actually an important point on this one: if she considers you family, then your dad should be family too in which case she should recognize this is a terrible time for you to be moving.  My family isn't in the picture, but statistically if I do find someone their family would be... and I know I have absolutely no right to suggest she would need to dump her family for me: it would be ethically wrong.  Out of curiosity how does your fiancee feel about her family?

 

Anyway that's not to state even if she gets the job she should not go, but I think your going makes no sense, and really this is sort of the moment of truth.  If she's OK with doing the long-distance relationship thing, stage IV doesn't last forever and it's time you don't ever get back if you leave.  On the flipside if you two are staying together for 40+ years, 1-2 years isn't really that big of a deal and if she can't do this, you likely need to rethink what "being right for each other" means.  At some point you have to enter the equation, and if you don't rate in her life, then well...

 


No doubt Revelate. You're absolutely right. This very well could be the ultimate test for us. I haven't proposed the long distance thing yet because she hasn't been offered the job officially yet. I think that might be a viable solution and also allow her to test the job and not have me uproot the position and more importantly leave my family that need me.

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Message 26 of 41
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Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


MrsCHX wrote:

You guys have reached a point where you've decided you want to get married. This will mean some sacrifices on both parts over the years.

 

BUT

 

Your father is dying. Your mother needs lots of care. That would make it a hard no for me. 

 

Adding to that is that it  was NOT a job she was seeking out. So she hadn't decided she just loves city X and would love to live there, etc. I agree with pp that she should take the job if offered and you guys try a long distance relationship for x months (maybe 6?). She could hate the job, she could hate the city, anything. It is a bit of a distance but it is doable. 


Exactly. She had no clue about this job, wasn't looking, or even thinking about it until he contacted her. That's what is so frustrating. She was so used to moving around until she met me, but forgetting there's more to move now than just her. There's a million scenarios that could prevent her from liking the job. Then what??

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Message 27 of 41
Valued Contributor

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??


Yes-Its-Me wrote:

Broke_Triathlete wrote:

Yes-Its-Me wrote:

I got to the sick father part with Stage 4 cancer and stopped.  Absolutely not.  These job offers will always come and I understand this is important for her but there are reasons why you just can't go.

 

You only have one father and spend as much time as you can with him. This is not the best time to move.


I know YIM! That's where I'm at. I have been opening up to close friends and they say the same thing. You can't leave your dad. He really depends on me. He doesn't even have a vehicle so he uses it from time to time to take care of the things he has to instead of taking the bus.

 

I feel like if I leave him I'll be kicking a man when he's down. A very tough thought to swallow.


Please, please stay put. I know you love your girlfriend also but the situation is dire.. If you move and something happens, the guilt would remain with you forever.  Have you asked her what if it was her dad and you asked her to move? Would she? What was her response?

 

If I were in your shoes and my other half brought this up knowing I am the only person to help my father in his last few years alive, I'd be livid and won't even bother with a discussion. End off...

 

Love love with all your heart but think with your head. There are just some actions that are just inhuman, thoughtless and lack compassion.  And you moving and leaving your father would be an example of it.


I really do need to ask her that YIM. What would she do? She is worried about her dad, as she's said a few times, but he doesn't have a death sentence like my father does. The kind he has, some rare bastard, has never been cured. So all of this chemo is just buying his time. However, he is improving. He's in an experiemental program and they are nailing him each week with the largest amount of chemo allowable by law. 

 

To the highlighted part... BINGO!

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Message 28 of 41
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Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

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Message 29 of 41
Established Member

Re: Relocating to a different part of the country because S/O has a job offer??

I want to throw something else out.  Relationships are about BEING THERE for eachother during hard times. 

 

My dad did treatment for 1.5yrs, even immunotherapy trial which didn't work.  I NEED my fiance with me for moral, emotional and physicla support.  Now w/him in hospice at home I come home after visiting him sometimes just spent emotionally.  I need him to help me cook dinner, fix my parents toilet that's leaking, on and on....we are in it together.  His mom recently widowed (2yrs ago) very unexpected-I was there for him, I still help my MIL with taxes and things. 

 

Again, we would LOVE to move to TPA area- but it's not the right timing.  Our parents need us-our teens are in HS-time to stay put.

 

I need a hug, a warm place to land, a friend to talk to about my feelings, it gets tougher every day, and I can come to him.   I would be devastated if he up'd and left me to pursue a career he didn't even consider before this person contacted him.  Being there are so many hotels/tourism there (more then SAT for sure) - why can't she stay put for the next couple of years whilst you both get through the tough of this and THEN go puruse her dreams.

 

Family comes first, not career.  If she were unemployed or hurting financially or had no options I can understand, but she does.  This is a BIG red flag and caution waiver for you to take notice at.   When times are tough (and they are) is she your rock, your supporter, your friend, your help or does she run away from it out of sight/out of mind and let you deal with this alone.   

 

 

Message 30 of 41